Talk me down. 2 yo is getting the best of me!

[swd12422]

I have never yelled so much in my life. I hate it. And on Monday, he made me cry, he was so mean to me!

So yeah, he's 2. This, too, shall pass....

But I need some tips on staying calm in the heat of the moment. It drives me crazy that I can't! Certain things, like the hitting, kicking, etc. I'm okay with until it reaches a certain point, and then I lash out like I have battered woman syndrome. I hit a threshold and LOSE it without even realizing it.

Then there are the things that annoy me and I just can't stand from the get-go (which I need to get over). Like when he looks at something delicate/dangerous/off-limits and I say, "That's not for touching." or "Please be careful." Or touching (esp roughly) people in private places. He already KNOWS he shouldn't. Then he hears me saying it, and rushes like mad to touch/hit/kick/mess up whatever it is before I can finish my sentence. The motion is so fast, and so deliberate and so ... RUDE it makes me cringe. I literally hate it. This awful feeling wells up inside me and it stresses me out. Like having a stranger waving their arms and hands very close to your face, or very close to your infant, and you can't move. You want to scream, protect yourself/your baby, shove the offender away, right?

That kind of feeling. (It's even worse when he's going for a private body part -- I feel so violated, even though normally we use the bathroom together, shower together, get dressed together, and sometimes he'll just point and say the word for the part, no problem. Then other times I get mauled.) So, obviously, the angrier I get, the worse the behavior will get, either b/c he knows what the reaction will be or b/c he really wants to push my buttons. How do you diffuse situations like this? I really feel shell-shocked sometimes and the anxiety is not helping our relationship.

[foodymama]

I really don't know mama, I just wanted to offer you a and tell you that I'm right there with you.

During an exasperating moment while brushing teeth the other day I wondered how many times I have to tell DD that toothbrushes are only for teeth and not the mirror, counter or the sink. Yuck! And then the fact that I hate messes and it seems she delibrately smears toothpaste and her toothbrush accross every surface drives me insane!

[springmum]

Me too

Frustrated sentences like "come on, really do you have to (insert irritating behaviour) again??"

Or a desperate "please listen to mama!"

I'm perfectly aware that he lacks impulse control, an understanding of cause/effect, empathy for others feelings about something etc.....
Like you, when I'm tired, already stressed etc. ...my impatience comes out.

I try desperately to have things toddler-proof, do playful parenting, take time-outs myself, redirect to meet the same need, but he is 2. They are tricky little things at this age, and he's always finding something new to add to the list!

It's just nice to know I'm not the only one feeling really frustrated sometimes. What brings me back down is telling myself how much I will miss all the wonderful things about age 2 in a few years, and I'll be frustrated about something else.

[swd12422]

Springmum, I have done the same in the past, trying to remind myself that these are the "good" years and I'll miss his tininess when he's older and not interested in hangin' with Mommy anymore. It was working for awhile last week, when things started to go south, but this week it hit me like a ton of bricks and it all went out the window. So thank you for setting me straight again!

If I had more of a sense of humor this week, I'd laugh at the irony of him mimicking me before I even say anything. (It's HOT here right now and a few weeks ago I got irritated with how slowly he was moving to get out of the car. Today he wanted to dawdle, and I held my tongue b/c I *really* didn't want to escalate the tension and end up yelling AGAIN. So I stood there quietly waiting, and he looked up at me and said, "Don't want to stand here all day. Too hot." Um, yeah. I said that 2 WEEKS AGO. Once. Not nicely.)

So yeah, funny that he said it, that he's smart enough to pick up on it, and sad that I was so impatient and kinda mean and he remembers it.....

[ellemenope]

DD turned 2 last week and someone gave her the memo. (I am thinking it was MIL) She used to be a perfect angel. She aimed to please and would do anything we told her. Now, she is still pretty well-behaved, but she has been defying us more and more.

It has required us to change our entire gameplan. We had gotten so accustomed to her listening to us that when she started to defy us, it was extra frustrating. But, we reminded ourselves she is just being a 2YO. We can't expect her to skip this developmental step.

So, there is time for teaching moments. DD swipes my contact case off the vanity. I ask her nicely to put it back, and we talk about not touching what is on the vanity. I tell her how proud I am of her for listening.

Then, there are the times to just end it. DD swipes my contact case off the vanity. I immediatly grab it out of her hand and remove everything from the vanity she can reach and state clearly and matter-of-factly once, "we don't touch things up here."

How do you know what way to go. It depends on your state of mind as well as your kid's. It is best to just go with the second way if you are not sure your 2YO will be receptive and you are not up for the battle when it goes south.

Repeatedly trying the first method on an unreceptive 2YO really starts to fry the brain. right? deep breaths mama.

We don't have any issues with physical abuse...yet.

[swd12422]

LMNOP, you hit it right on the head. We normally count to 3 when he's not listening. "DS, please don't touch that. Put it back." No response other than a defiant look. "That's one. Please put it back." No response, same look, getting more victorious. "That's two. Please put it back." No response. "That's three." Mommy snatches it away, DS gets upset, and swipes his arm back and forth across the countertop, knocking everything over. Mommy loses it, sends him to the corner, where he cries and says he's sorry. When asked why he's sorry, he says it's b/c he wants to get out of the corner. No indication that he thinks it was wrong not to listen, or wrong to react that way to having something taken away. Maddening. And the frenzied motions just cut right to my core.

So I really don't know which way is better. He seems to have learned that he has 3 chances to not listen. I think we're on the verge of 1 strike and you're out, but I know his impulse control isn't quite there yet....

[marispel]

This is definitely a fun stage. My mom said to remember "little people, little problems...big people, big problems".

When our DS tries to touch something that he shouldn't we've labeled it as "that's daddy's, don't touch" or "that's mommy's". We've said it so much that he will walk up to the stereo system and say "that's daddy's". We only had to say it 100 times, but he finally got it.

We do the same thing when we are playing outside. He wants to run into the street and I've said "Sidewalk only" at least 100 times. He is still learning, but there are a lot times that he will stop and go back to the sidewalk.

So...I think at this age, it is all about consistency. If you don't want him to touch something it may take 100 times telling him not to touch or hands off or whatever phrase you want to use, but they will eventually get it.

[Halfasianmomma]

I've recently started doing the "Oh is DD angry/frustrated because X,Y,Z?" whenever she throws a tantrum about not being allowed to get something. It seems to abort about 50% of the freakouts. She'll tearfully say "YES" and then I'll give her something else that's fun to touch.

I also like ellemenope's second strategy, and it's usually what I use when I'm a little short on patience.

If my strategy to abort the tantrum doesn't work, and if DD refuses to be redirected and just throws herself ever so dramatically on the ground, I calmly tell her "when you're done being angry, I'll have a hug for you".

That's as far as I've gotten with my "toddler strategies". Still learning...

[rightkindofme]

I think my kid is easier than average, but she still has her moments. I'm pretty rigorous about time out. (I sit with her and talk about what happened and she's allowed lots of hugs and kisses while we sit there.) I am probably super strict by MDC standards. We also differentiate between "We don't want you doing that because it is annoying" and "That isn't safe." She likes to snag things off the kitchen counter. Our counters are narrow and small and it's basically impossible to keep everything dangerous completely out of reach when we are working. Getting something off the counter, no matter how benign that specific thing is, is a no second chances offense. Straight to time out.

Annoying things I express that I'm annoyed but I try not to yell. I think it is ok for me to tell her, "I really don't like it when you do that. I feel angry because I then have to clean up the mess and that isn't what I want to be doing right now." She generally tells me that she understands that it's no fun. Well, thanks for the commiseration...

Kids!!! Somehow we survive this age. Dinno how.

[swd12422]

...Getting something off the counter, no matter how benign that specific thing is, is a no second chances offense. Straight to time out....

This is yet another issue for us, too. I thought *I* was being a hard@$$! So maybe I'm not being tough enough, it's not getting through to him, and maybe he's feeling like he has leeway where he shouldn't.... Normally I send him off "to the rug" that is his play area next to the kitchen, but he doesn't like to stay there for long. Then things escalate b/c he wants to be w/ me but he's already broken the cardinal rule of not taking things off the potentially hot stove, and the fights ensue.

It's not at all that he doesn't understand. I think that's what makes it so much more infuriating than when he was 18 months and "learning." He KNOWS. He does exactly what marispel describes, "Don't touch the broken gate." "Yep. Thank you for not touc--- DON'T TOUCH THE GATE!!!!!! Did you NOT just say that? Then WHY are you messing with it????"

Ugh. Poor little guy. At least today was better!

[ssh]

Your life will become easier if you childproof. Your DS has no impulse control and probably won't until after he's 3 something. I just expected our DD to probably examine anything she could reach so I kept dangerous and fragile things up or packed away. Using the word "Don't" is less effective than telling him what he can do. When you say "don't Jump/touch/grab/etc." they hear the second part of what you're saying and then do exactly what you want them not to do. Instead of "Don't touch the broken gate." say "The gates is dangerous, lets play over here". Instead of "Don't grab" "Play gentle" or instead of "Don't run" "Walking feet please". Also LOs do forbidden things because they need/want attention. So the more attention they get the less forbidden stuff they do.

I never let DD hurt me. I told her to touch gentle and then I took her hand and stroked my arm with it. If she tried to hit or something I'd catch her hand and calmly say 'I don't let people hurt me, be gentle' and then I'd move out of reach for a moment if she tried again.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by swd12422

This is yet another issue for us, too. I thought *I* was being a hard@$$! So maybe I'm not being tough enough, it's not getting through to him, and maybe he's feeling like he has leeway where he shouldn't....

Well she's in time out for this at least every other day and short of hitting her or screaming all.the.time I think I am about as hard@$$ as they come so.. uhm...

I think this is just a 'needs repetition' sort of thing. I don't think that you or I (or anyone else) are failing as mothers because we have to say this a few thousand times. From what I can read it's completely and totally standard. It's frustrating but eventually they will move past this stage and we will have New and Exciting frustrations! (If I don't laugh I cry... so I try to laugh a lot.)