Grandma and a 9 mo.

[cristeen]

I'd really like some advice on handling these 2 issues tactfully, because last time we were there I sat there dumb-founded with my mouth hanging open, and I really need to be more on-the-ball for my DS's sake and safety.

I'll start by saying (my) grandma (his great-grandma) is 80 this year and lives alone. My DS is the only progeny she has/may ever have, and we are the only family close enough to visit regularly. We try to get up there about once a month, it's been less since DS was born, but we'd like to get it back to once a month or so, because she is very lonely and she truly does love spending time with him, so full-on alienation won't work here. But our next visit is this Saturday, and I need to be prepared.

Issue #1: Grandma has a chihuahua, who is about 8, and is her baby. This dog is allowed to do just about anything it wants, including sharing g'ma's cup/bowl. She's shown mild aggression in the past, with specific triggers, and I knew it was going to be something I'd have to keep an eye on. This last visit (at 8 mos), DS was full on crawling finally (the visit before he was only trying). And the dog seemed to view this as a threat. She went into full-on defensive mode several times at him (growling, teeth-bared, hackles up, defensive posture), and each time g'ma chastised her, and threatened to lock her in the bedroom. Never did though. Within moments of these episodes, she'd have the two in close proximity, instead of separating them a bit. Or she'd have the both of them in her lap. I finally made DH step in and take the baby onto the floor (I was in the kitchen), but I really need a way to deal with this. I've been bitten, both as an adult and as a child, and while it didn't instill fear in me, I don't want to risk that with my DS (nor risk the trip to the hospital, of course). But telling g'ma she has to lock her dog up/out while we're there is only going to cause problems. As it is, we're going to have to take a gate with us because if we get him down for a nap (on the floor, since none of the 3 beds is safe), we can't hear him with the door closed, but leaving it open isn't an option either.

Issue #2: G'ma eats a SAD - lots of processed foods. We don't - we eat organic, whole foods, mostly that I make from scratch. She tries to cater to us when we're there, but if we're lucky, that consists of a meat/potatoes type dinner that may or may not be processed meat, but is definitely CAFO, usually contains MSG, and often contains hydrogenated oils. This is not food I'm comfortable feeding my 9 mo, who I'm still introducing foods to. And even if I didn't have an issue with the processed nature of the foods, he hasn't been cleared on all of them (he has reacted to 2 foods so far, so I'm not just being a nervous mommy). Last time we were up there, she kept telling me that I just needed to give him one of those potatoes to suck on (said potatoes having been cooked with the meat and other veggies, and coated in gravy). Even though I told her several times that he couldn't have them because he hadn't tried potatoes (or all the other ingredients) yet, she kept insisting (and I kept ignoring). But it really peeved me. Of course, it didn't help that she kept going on and on about how my cousin fed her LOs frozen peas and wasn't that just the best snack food, and I needed to feed him frozen peas, regardless of any choking hazard or the fact that he hasn't been cleared on peas.

So, anyone have any wonderful canned phrases I can have available for these situations? I really don't feel like fighting with her when we see her so rarely, but at the same time I need to stand up for my little guy.

[AliciaP8]

I think with the dog issue I'd deal with it head on. "Hey Grandma, I'm worried about DS getting bitten or scared by the dog so I'm keeping them apart." End of story. It's not insulting or rude, just facts.

With the food issue I'd simply bring his own food. If you're not up for explaining why, tell her the Dr has concerns and wants you to stick to those foods for now. Grandparents seem to like that little fib And I'm sure there's a Dr somewhere that doesn't want him eating potatoes and gravy I don't think it's unusual for parents of 8 month olds to bring baby friendly food.

You're not likely to change her so you have to avoid going or make it work within your comfort zone.

[akind1]

as for the dog; the baby and the dog are going to have to come to an understanding eventually, so I don't think keeping them separated for visits (for the whole visit) is the answer; the dog will probably only become more resentful and jealous. My MIL was locking up her pomeranians when we came to visit, but I have started having her let them out with DS for a short visit, as they do need to learn to behave around him. If they get too rough or lick-y they go up. So maybe the chihuahua and your DS need to visit in small doses for a visit or two, and slowly lengthen the amount of time together they have.

Do you have a pack-n-play you can bring for naptime? this might be better than the floor, and you shouldn't need to bring the gate - if you don't the floor w/ a gate should be fine.

As far as food for the LO; can you just bring your own for him? DS hasn't had any reaction to anything other than artificial food coloring, so I generally let him have anything we have (granted, we don't eat like your grandma does, either), and I think the food allergy thing is a good reason not to feed him what she does have prepared.

HUGS! I know it is tough, one of the last BBQ's we went to, everyone kept wanting to give DS a chicken leg to gnaw on. thankfully there were mashed sweet potatoes and bananas there I could give him instead! Hang in there!

[greenmamapagan]

Baby can nap in a sling (or on your lap - a good excuse to sit down and chat to grandma). As for the food, the doctor fib always goes down well with the older generation.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know, some dogs are very threatened by crawling babies, I would lean toward telling grandma that the dog needs to be locked up while the baby is visiting, at least 'til your DS is walking. I guess I don't really see why asking her to lock up the dog for a couple hours would be a problem...

As far as the food, either bring your own baby-friendly food, as the pp's mentioned... or bring a few sacks of groceries & offer to cook dinner yourself or help grandma cook. You could just say your DS has some allergies so you brought some food you knew would be safe & that he'd enjoy? DS & I are vegan and the rest of my family and DH's too eat a SAD so it's just normal for me to bring along food for myself & DS. I also think it's normal for parents to bring special food for babies & young toddlers... but I can see how it might be tricky since you haven't done that from the start. I guess you could say something like, "Now that he's eating more solids we want him to follow a certain diet" or something like that??

Oh and when we go anywhere my 17mo DS naps in my lap... although that's also how he naps at home... but I'd consider a sling or pack & play for naps rather than the floor & gate...

[rlmueller]

For Grandma

1st--I understand. I love and miss my grandmother terribly.

Bring own food for baby and you can survive. She is trying. Offer to buy ingrediants for what she is cooking or just go ahead and do it. And Dr said yada yada about allergies yada...

Use the gate for the dog and baby separation times. Slow and gentle introductions in 5 min increments. This dog is set in its ways and has it's territory infringed upon by something its own size (in its mind). 5 min on 20 min sep and so on. Don't focus on best for baby when speaking to Gma but best for the dog--dog's stress level--dog's adjustment--dog's needs. You know your baby's is more important but she won't see it that way. The dog needs a baby break.

[cristeen]

Just to clarify a few points...

We do bring food for him. Last time we were there, he was still only eating single foods, so we had yogurt, avocado, peaches and apples for him. That didn't stop the comments. I would love to bring the groceries to make dinner for all of us, but the most I can manage (get her to agree to) is to bring a single dish - usually the veg/salad. She plans weeks in advance for our coming, and dinner is usually already prepped/in the oven/crockpot when we get there. I do offer to cook, but I think in part it's that she doesn't cook for herself because it sucks to cook for 1, and she likes to cook... that she likes the excuse.

DS will not sleep in arms when we're out. He needs quiet and dark and secluded. He is in the stage where everything is far more interesting than sleep could possibly be. In his life, he's slept in the MT maybe half a dozen times, and usually I put him in it when he's already asleep. None of this is helped by the fact that she never trained her dog not to bark at everything, so if she hears the kids playing in the street, a motorcycle drive by or someone's lawn mower, she starts barking up a storm (and shushing her does no good). She starts barking, the baby wakes up, naptime's over. Oh, and the P&P is also not an option. He screams the second you put him in it (even asleep). Total waste of money.

As for the dog - I don't know what's up with her. She's been around a lot of babies. G'ma used to be a nanny, had a babe from NB until he was school age, IIRC, while she had this dog. My cousin also visits with her 3 kids, the youngest of whom is now 4, so she's been around crawlers before and never showed this aggression. I'll try the slow intro, but I'm not sure how that's going to go over with g'ma. None of this is helped by the fact that he is fascinated by living critters... he's constantly going after our cat, who tolerates a small amount of mauling (always supervised) before walking away or meowing.

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm well... I don't know what to say about the food except "just say no"?? OR... could you offer gma a list of specific ingredients that are OK for him? And tell her he absolutely can't have anything not on that list? That would give her the chance to cook something for him (which I guess a lot of people get great joy out of) but keep it within your parameters...

The dog -- our dog was always great with little kids EXCEPT for DS... for some reason he just hit all the right buttons and my dog often tried to nip at him, though he stopped doing that once DS stopped crawling and we started having DS 'train' him, feed him, etc. But I'm always still nervous about having them in the same room unless I am right beside both of them. My mom's dog, on the other hand, is still a little agressive, so we are vigilant about keeping them separate & avoiding triggering situations...

[smpayne]

DS is probably safest when the dog is in grandma's lap, because the dog will feel less threatened.

Give grandma a writen list of foods ds can eat (be specific and just because you told her 10 mins ago, doesn't mean she actually remembers), it may make her feel better to be able to purchase and have food for him that you will allow. She will always have her opinion based on her experiences (at that age, they tend to get even more vocal of thier views). Find an excuse to take her to her grocery store and point out the foods that you will allow ds to eat, that way the next time she is not searching for the unknown on her own.

A long speech about the evils of eating SAD and CAFOs everytime she brings up what you should be feeding ds, might make her think twice about saying anything next time.

[texmati]

My parents have a dog, and even now that DS is slighty mobile he is simply not allowed on the same plane as the dog. If the dog is on the floor, DS is not. If the dog is on the couch, ds is not.

It's just too risk for the dog and baby.

As for food, just bring your own. People are generally ok with babies eating 'baby' food-- even if it is home cooked.

[texmati]

sorry! reading your update I see my last post was not helpful. I would say --
"DS's doctor says that he cant have XXX"
"You can hold DS if we go outside/put doggy in the other room/on the floor"
"I'm putting DS to sleep in the bedroom-- the door has to stay shut or the dog might get in"

I'd also realize that you might get some grumblings, and some disagreement. "I'm sorry that you don't agree granny, but this is the way that it has to be". being the mom is unpopular sometimes.

[mkksmom]

Originally Posted by texmati

I'd also realize that you might get some grumblings, and some disagreement. "I'm sorry that you don't agree granny, but this is the way that it has to be". being the mom is unpopular sometimes.

These situations are tough. I was probably the least confrontational person in the world before my ODD was born. I tried every diplomatic way of dealing with these situations in the book. We had to tell FIL that if they wanted us to visit, he could not smoke in his own house while we were there. That was tough, but passed quickly because we dealt with it head-on. Then there was the food issue. Everyone wanted to feel her... whether she was hungry or not. They'd even sneak her food. I brought my own food, and eventually let her eat some of the white pasta they served. Then we allowed sauce and then more issues started. DD is possibly allergic to pork. We don't eat pork very much, so we haven't had a true trial. But MIL cooked sausage in the sauce and said she didn't until my SIL called her out on it. Then there is my FIL who would sneak her food. We started having nut issues (hives after almonds) and he snuck her some nut roll at a party. I finally said, "Do not feed my child." Then he'd ask, "Can she have...?" and I would tell him that she could have it if I gave it to her, but not if it came from him. I said it with a smile on my face. Finally he got the message. Now this is after explaining that I have to keep track of everything she eats because we are having mysterious rashes and trying every kind and diplomatic way to say it.

Just recently we had to call my MIL out on the fact that she had been visiting with us when she was sick, even though she knows that I can't take anti-biotics and would prefer to reschedule. That was a tough one too. I had to tell her that I know she doesn't agree, and that's OK, but we need her to work with us on this. She agreed. She was just astonished that we called her out. All I had said was that if she was really congested again, we'd rather reschedule. She had been blaming obvious colds on allergies. Right after swine flu and with a newborn, I wasn't taking chances at that point.

But since we stood up to them, we've had fewer issues. It's uncomfortable, but it does pass quickly.

I think in your case, when she says that stuff, just say that there weren't as many chemicals in foods when you were growing up. Kids are reacting to all of the stuff they put in there, so the doctors want you to introduce one thing at a time, wait a few days and stick with whole foods. If she continues, you can say that you'd prefer to spend time with her rather than argue over what you feed your son or that you'd love to visit more, but it's just tough with the dog and the comments over your parenting decisions.

Also- can you bring a cheap baby monitor with you so you can shut the door and still hear him? That would block out some of the noise from the dog. Oh, and maybe some white noise. I guess your guy won't nap in the car? We like to keep our visits short. Nap on the way there and nap on the way back.

[tzs]

i think the dog thing is something you have to be firm on and don't have them around each other...at all. it doesn't matter if they never ever come in contact, there are just some dogs that shouldn't even be around other people let alone children. surprisingly or not surprisingly alot of them are small dogs.
i used to run a doggy daycare and still remember having to get full arm length leather gloves to take a chihuahua out of a crate that failed the behavior assessment so miserably that i'm just happy to have gotten out with my face intact.

you can re-evaluate later when he's walking and his face isn't right at chihuahua level (and even then i might consult with an animal behaviorist. for example the suggestion to let the dog sit on gma's lap is probably not the best as it gives him dominance and if he shows signs of aggression while on gma, a dog will take that human contact as being tacit approval) but there's no reason they ever have to be friends.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by mkksmom

Also- can you bring a cheap baby monitor with you so you can shut the door and still hear him? That would block out some of the noise from the dog. Oh, and maybe some white noise. I guess your guy won't nap in the car? We like to keep our visits short. Nap on the way there and nap on the way back.

Good idea! We have extra monitors - I hadn't thought of taking one with us. And unfortunately no visit with her is short. It's 2+ hrs drive in each direction, so we leave here at 8 am and leave there at 8 pm. He sleeps on the way up, and the way back if we're lucky, but still needs at least 1 more nap in there (on the way back - that's his bedtime, not a nap).

Originally Posted by tzs

you can re-evaluate later when he's walking and his face isn't right at chihuahua level (and even then i might consult with an animal behaviorist. for example the suggestion to let the dog sit on gma's lap is probably not the best as it gives him dominance and if he shows signs of aggression while on gma, a dog will take that human contact as being tacit approval) but there's no reason they ever have to be friends.

Thank you for this. I will discuss with my DH how to make this clear to her without pissing her off.

[carmel23]

I've noticed that dog owners who really love their dog don't think that the dog can really do harm. Its like they just can't see the behavior objectively.

I would not rely on grandma to separate the dog and your son; she is used to the dog and won't do it. I would ask that the dog and son have separate spaces, but where they can see each other so the dog can get used to your son.

As for the food, just humor your grandma. I try to teach my kids to be polite about other people's food... just take it and push it around in your plate. Take some for your son, but slip it in the napkin. Or feed him with your food first, and then hide the other food.

Processed foods are *horrible* for babies, they can't handle all that salt and crap. So I wouldn't feed my baby that stuff either. I'd try to just be polite and pretend like he is eating it. Maybe get your husband to help with the act.

I think it is really good that you are visiting your grandma, even with the difficulties.

So be upfront about the dog, but not about the food.

[mountainfeather]

And the dog seemed to view this as a threat. She went into full-on defensive mode several times at him (growling, teeth-bared, hackles up, defensive posture), and each time g'ma chastised her, and threatened to lock her in the bedroom. Never did though. Within moments of these episodes, she'd have the two in close proximity, instead of separating them a bit.

This makes me feel beyond nervous so I had to write something. This dog is giving you fair warning. Growling, teeth-bared, hackles up - the dog is doing everything but writing you a certified letter saying, "This baby is freaking me out. Keep him away or I will be forced to defend myself."

Some dogs do not do well with children and never will. Forcing the issue will only endanger the child. And this particular dog is 8 years old, and has had no good leadership or training it's whole life, and the owner is not willing to step in or help protect your son. I would keep my son well away at all times, even if it offends Grandma, no questions, no compromise, whatever it takes. When bites happen people often say, "It came out of the blue", or "No one expected it", but the signs are often there if you look.

The junk food is way down on the importance scale of things, in comparison to the dog issue, IMHO.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by mountainfeather

This makes me feel beyond nervous so I had to write something. This dog is giving you fair warning. Growling, teeth-bared, hackles up - the dog is doing everything but writing you a certified letter saying, "This baby is freaking me out. Keep him away or I will be forced to defend myself."

The junk food is way down on the importance scale of things, in comparison to the dog issue, IMHO.

thank you ladies for reassuring me that i'm not over-reacting about the dog. I've never really cared for this dog so felt somehow that my judgment may be clouded. I will be more alert and prepared this visit.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by cristeen

thank you ladies for reassuring me that i'm not over-reacting about the dog. I've never really cared for this dog so felt somehow that my judgment may be clouded. I will be more alert and prepared this visit.

No no no, you're not overreacting, I love my dog but I will not allow him around DS & I have actually contemplated getting rid of him Some dogs just don't do well with babies.

[tzs]

no, it's not overreacting.
it's just that for some reason small dogs are allowed to get away with behavior like that and some people consider it ok or normal or no big deal.
if a large dog acted aggressively around humans like that they would probably be evaluated to be put down. and it's not like small breeds can't do plenty of damage.
as much as i love my 9 year old best bud who's been through thick and thin with me, if g-d forbid he ever bared teeth at a human i would have to make some tough choices.

[mkksmom]

Originally Posted by cristeen

thank you ladies for reassuring me that i'm not over-reacting about the dog. I've never really cared for this dog so felt somehow that my judgment may be clouded. I will be more alert and prepared this visit.

You are definitely not over-reacting. I wonder if you could put it to Grandma that it's risky, but also not fair to her little doggie to put the 2 of them together. Clearly the baby freaks the dog out.

Oh, and I think you are an absolute saint to spend 2 hours in a car twice in one day to see your Grandma. It's hard, I know, but you will never regret spending time with her-- even if you have to rock the boat a little to make the situation safe and healthy for your son. What I wouldn't give to have these problems with my Grandma. And I would too. She'd be the biggest offender of slipping the LO's food.