every day is a battle starting with waking up - help!!!

[sashanellie]

Hi, I'm new here and trying my best. My boys are 3 and 1. My 3 yo wakes up every morning in a bad mood and gets worse from there. I have done my best to practice AP with both of my babies, but no matter what, I feel like DS1 never seems to have his needs met. He is always needing and wanting more. He now talks back and has hit his younger brother. He wants to throw him in the garbage. He won't eat without a fight. He won't do anything without a fight.

Bottom line, I have become what I hate - a screamer, a yeller, and a put-you-in-your-roomer.

Please help guide me to some resources that are not flaky, if you know what I mean. I need real rules for ME to follow, not vague philosophy. I feel like I have read every book and need a mom's real advice at this point. I want to badly to go back to being the kind and patient and connected parent I was before having 2. I feel devastated.
Thanks to this community in advance.

[SallyN]

Oh **hug**
Has this been a relative recent change or gradual progression?
To some extent, it's developmentally normal. But that certainly doesn't make it any easier.

I've found this information VERY helpful... not so much in terms of getting through each day, but in knowing that it was normal and wouldn't last forever.
https://web59.mysecureserver.com/ges...pmentalPOV.pdf

As for the getting through each day... do you have any routine? When DD1 (the high needs 3yr old) is being REALLY challenging, it's often when she a) hasn't gotten enough sleep or b) we've been 'off' our routine. Granted, staying on a routine is challenging when there's a younger sibling with unpredictable needs in the mix but we do the best we can. Also, I have to be really strict with the tv time. Not only do I need to stick with the limit of 4 shows a day (what works for us) but also need to be predictable and constant with regards to what part of the day/routine she watches them.

So the tv goes on at the same time. We aim for snack at the same time. We aim for DD2 to nap at the same time (not always successful). We eat lunch at the same time. Quiet time comes after lunch. We eat afternoon snack at the same time and we eat dinner at the same time. And stick to the bedtime routine.

[mom2grrls]

Is he getting enough sleep?

[SheSpeeds]

I'm interested in this thread too. Namely the talking back part. And I notice my 3 year old argues and talks back more at me than anyone else...like not at all to dad or day care woman.

One practical thought that I'm about to discipline myself with is the "date your family" approach...giving DS 100% undivided attention from me at least once a day. With needy, cuddly, dependent 1 year DD, that happens infrequently.

I've also thought, along the same lines, that I need to make an effort to "teach" my 3 year old something everyday. Show him something new. I get so dependent on his "school" (I work full-time/over-time) to teach him about various things, that I lost my teacher-hat. I don't know why, but I get the sense that if I make the effort to wear that hat more often, it will nurture our relationship. I think I'm passive with him more than I realize.

[Surfacing]

[meemee]

are you getting a break?

are you getting YOUR own needs met?

taking care of myself is what makes me a better parent. when i get time 'to myself' (i have discovered many ways to do it even with dd there) - however that might look to you - i find i have more compassion than frustration.

everytime i start yelling at my dd i know its time for me to seek help for myself. dd is continuing to be the child she is. its me who needs help. not her.

3 is a really really hard age. and more so with a one year old.

[nina_yyc]

I knew this was a 3yo thread before I clicked on it ;-) My DD was like that at 3 too. Could be that your DS is just ready for more independence. Doesn't want to eat without a fight? Fine. Let him skip a meal. He's not going to starve. Around this age DD started taking on responsibility for getting herself ready to go and transitioned from nap to quiet time. We also added more structure to her day so we could make the routine the boss, rather than issuing requests and dealing with the ensuing power struggles.

I wouldn't read too much into talking back, hitting the brother, etc. That's what they do when they're 3 Of course you should address these behaviors, but they definitely don`t reflect on you as a mom.

[sunshadow]

My daughter is 3 and she wakes up grumpy most days too. I do think she isn't getting enough sleep, but that doesn't mean anything really since there is no getting her to sleep more. I've found if I, and this may sound silly, act like a 3 year old and talk to her really exaggerated and try and make everything fun, she does better. I refuse to insist that she do anything my way. I ask before everything if she wants to do it or if I can. That doesn't mean I avoid every unforeseen pit fall, but it helps. Of course it take a lot of energy and some days I just don't have it. I am just hoping that someday soon it will get easier. Hang in there.

*eta* one thing I want to add is it helps to remind myself that even if she doesn't do the "right" thing when I ask her to or when I try to explain things to her and she doesn't listen, that really she is listening. She is learning along the way even if her actions in the moment don't reflect that.

[LynnS6]

Does he get a snack with protein and fat before he goes to bed? My ds was like that at 2, and a snack at bedtime helped a lot. A quick glass of juice on waking also helps. My whole family suffers from grumpiness caused by low blood sugar, so this is pretty common at our house.

It also sounds to me like he's overtired. Look at his sleep schedule -- when does he go to sleep? Wake up? Does he still nap? At 3, our ds needed to go to bed before the baby.

I also agree that a lot of this is typical 3. They're feeling out their independence and their power, and they're not very subtle about it! They want what they want when they want it and they don't like to take no for an answer.

Sibling rivalry often goes up when the younger child gets mobile. They get into the older kid's things more, and they're becoming more of their own person and so that the older child feels more competition.

Like a pp suggested, I found that it helps to have 30 minutes a day where your child leads the play and you follow. Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen has a lot of good ideas about this and how it helps build connection. Even if you don't see immediate results with this 30 minutes a day, I recommend it. It will pay off over the long run. In addition, it has the added advantage that you don't have to feel guilty about the amount of attention you give your older child. If he gets 30 minutes a day of focused attention, plus whatever normal attention he gets from you, that's a lot.

Finally, it sounds like you need a break! Honestly, when I've had it, I do the 'put you in your room' thing too. It's not ideal, but it's better than the alternatives (yelling, hitting), and so for my own sanity and my kids' safety, they each got plopped into their rooms occasionally. They're 6 and 9 now, and our connection is strong. (And dd (6) still gets sent to her room when she's whining interminably. Ds (9) stomps up to his room on his own when he's mad.)

So what can you do to recharge? Who's there to help? You can't be a good parent if your reserves are worn down.

[phathui5]

I like the books Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and Positive Discipline A to Z.

[Pookietooth]

I may be that they need earlier bedtimes. Lack of sleep could cause a bad mood on waking.