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"I can't" actually means "I won't" - Page 2

post #21 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post


Honey, we are all the same. Just the covering is different. We share a collective world, we share a collective mind.


I don't agree, we obviously are looking at this for completely different paradigms.
post #22 of 107
I think it's more accurate (and more motivational, actually) to say:

"Whether you think you can, or think you cannot, you are right."



Because if you think you can't do something, then you can't. Whether there's some form of "won't" in there or not, it's still "can't."
post #23 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I feel like someone is about to start trying to sell me some tapes on late night tv.

I hear a lot of buzzwords and talk, but it's just talk. Saying something doesn't make it true.
post #24 of 107
This is one of those things my mom would say to me that would drive me nuts. Like, you can choose to be happy. Like I could just flip a switch and instantly be in a good mood. I know these are not related, but just another "phrase" that bugs me!
post #25 of 107
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cody'smomma View Post
Like, you can choose to be happy. Like I could just flip a switch and instantly be in a good mood.
Not to be even more annoying, but actually you can choose to be happy, or at least peaceful (which is a little better than happy IMO) rather than in a crappy mood.
And DH used to always tell me to "change my mood" whenever he and I were fighting, or "switch your attitude" which really hit a raw nerve and would set me off. Lately though, we start arguing and three seconds later, one of us goes "Your in your story too much" and the argument dissipates.
post #26 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
I mean this with love, not disrespect:
Then you have some anger to let go of. Harboring anger never serves you, it only drags you down.
Yes. I do have anger. I've been workign on it/with it for a long time. It's better than it was, but I, like most people, still have triggers.

Quote:
Well, in this moment you and I both choose to identify ourselves as non-athletes. Choosing an identification and a persona for ourselves was a choice we made maybe in our teens, maybe in early childhood, maybe even in the womb. It's the identification that we are this kind of person or that kind of person that puts the obstacle in our way from achieving certain things that are generally accomplished by other types of people. And furthermore, not to get too metaphysical here (but this is a scientific fact) you are not the same person from second to second and neither am I. The atoms which comprise our body are constantly in flux, being exchanged with those from the air around us. Cells die, new ones are generated. There is no constant and static "me" or "you"
I am not an athlete - not at all. I'm tense, not limber (when I was doing 45-60 minutes of daily yoga, I managed to reach a level of flexibility approaching that of most people I knew who didn't do any of that kind of work), built for stamina, not for speed, and not terribly coordinated. I have feet that don't fit in most shoes. Most athletic pursuits are uncomfortable for me, if not outright painful. However, since my last post about this resulted in the above post re: choices I made in the womb and/or childhood, let's try something a little more concrete:

I don't have depth perception. I used to go nuts in phys ed, when teachers would say, "keep your eye on the ball - keep your eye on the ball". I couldn't hit it, no matter how hard I tried. I kept my eye on the ball, and it made no difference at all. I didn't even realize until years later that the reason it didn't help is because I don't have binocular vision, and keeping my eyes on the ball gave me no useful information about how fast it was moving or how close it was to my bat. I can't recall ever hitting it - not once. Now, I don't happen to care, because I have no real desire to play softball/baseball. But, to assert that "I can't" means "I won't" if I say "I can't be a major league baseball player" is ridiculous.

Quote:
Ok. But do you see that when you say "I can't" there is passivity about it, like you are the victim of circumstance, but when you say "I won't" or "I'm choosing not to" you then take ownership. You are empowered.
umm...no, I don't see that. Saying "I won't try again to have a vaginal birth because that would involve CPS in my life, and I might lose my kids" doesn't make me feel empowered at all. While I don't like self-identifying as a victim, there are times when we're all victims of circumstance. (And, quite honestly, my choices probably did kill my son - that doesn't make me feel "empowered", either.)

Quote:
If there is a goal that seemingly "can't" be accomplished then that person has not let go enough of his internal blocks. When you let go enough you will be clear as to how to accomplish that goal or be clear that it's not something you really wanted anyway.
That sounds great. However, it boils down to "if I can't do it, I'll just decide I didn't want to". Reframing. Reframing is a very useful tool - but it's not the same thing as suggesting that "I can't" isn't real.

Quote:
The truth requires us to take what we think we know and shake it out of our heads and turn everything upside down. Wouldn't you agree that there's a lot of screwed up stuff happening in the world? Could it be that we are just not looking at all the problems in the right way? And I say this not as a dig but just as a question: If you knew that your are every bit as good as you needed to be and that you had the power within you to face any challenge without an external force, such as God, what would you do differently in your life?

Miracles happen everyday. We may not hear about them most of the time. The miracle would not be that all of a sudden you were able to conceive. The miracle would be a shift in your perspective.
With respect to all the effed-up stuff that happens in the world, this particular post just reeks of "first world/new world" privilege. Suggesting that "I can't" isn't real is a pretty major slap in the face to people who live in places where they can't feed their children, or get water, or learn to read. Miracles happen every day, yes. So do tragedies.
post #27 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I feel like someone is about to start trying to sell me some tapes on late night tv.

I hear a lot of buzzwords and talk, but it's just talk. Saying something doesn't make it true.

thank you!

I was going to write something mean like "well, someone's all fired up from hearing a motivational speaker" but yours is much better.
post #28 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverTam View Post
It's very judgmental to assign it to other people's statements.

When I was in AA, I learned that it didn't matter if someone said "I can't" or "I won't" to a suggestion or a solution. If they say "I can't," they can't do it. It's not happening. I may not understand why they can't, because I can't see the whole of their experience. If their answer comes out of fear, I need to respect that their fear is a real thing for them, and is as much of a barrier as a broken leg. If "I can't" is someone's answer to a solution that I offered, I need to respect that the solution I offered might be "a" solution, but it's not "the" solution, and more importantly, it's not <i><b>their</i></b> solution.
This.
I don't choose the things I'm afraid of. I choose - to some degree - how I react to them, but I didn't choose to be afraid of them. There are things that frighten me far too much for them to be viable options for me. They are, technically, "won't"s...but they're also "can't"s. At some point, the obstacles are just too high.

And, one limitation that exists for a lot of people is lack of knowledge. In order to do something, one has to know how to do it. If one doesn't even know where to look to find that out (or has no access to a source of information at all), they're stuck at the starting line.
post #29 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Suggesting that "I can't" isn't real is a pretty major slap in the face to people who live in places where they can't feed their children, or get water, or learn to read. Miracles happen every day, yes. So do tragedies.
Word.
post #30 of 107
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catubodua View Post
thank you!

I was going to write something mean like "well, someone's all fired up from hearing a motivational speaker" but yours is much better.
Wow, what are u guys so afraid of?
post #31 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
I'm going to these "coaching" sessions b/c I want to start working again. The coach/therapist/whatever you wanna call her said this to me.
It's incredibly liberating, at least to me, to know this.
In a spiritual sense, we are all unlimited beings. The limitations were created by the mind, and we remember the moment we created them, either consciously, or subconsciously.

yeah, thats why i chose the quote i did for my sig. its a reminder! best luck on your journey!
post #32 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
With respect to all the effed-up stuff that happens in the world, this particular post just reeks of "first world/new world" privilege. Suggesting that "I can't" isn't real is a pretty major slap in the face to people who live in places where they can't feed their children, or get water, or learn to read. Miracles happen every day, yes. So do tragedies.
Exactly. This is the major problem I have with 'The Secret' and stuff like it.
post #33 of 107
Also, with this one, its personal & people can read it wrong if they're facing a seemingly unsurmountable obstacle. Its great to use on yourself tho & I wish you the absolute best! I agree, it can be very empowering to realize that you don't have as many limitations as you've told yourself.
post #34 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
You guys can use me as a whipping boy for anything motivational you have ever heard in your life. No harm done. I'm not trying to sell anything. But how is that viewpoint benefiting you?
How is trying to belittle all of us with your new viewpoint benefiting you?

And, before you try to claim you aren't trying to belittle anyone, yes, yes you are. Telling Arduinna that she just needs to "change her perspective" on her inability to conceive is just about one of the worst things I've read on here today.
post #35 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
You can control only that which you let go of wanting to control. Another doozy for the mind.
oh, so i can't control that which i want to control?

look, i get where you're coming from and i agree that in many cases this is an empowering concept. i often would say i couldn't do something, when in reality i was choosing to give control to someone else. i actually was/am capable of reclaiming control and doing what i want. but one tough and very important lesson for me to learn was that i really, truly, can't make someone treat me with respect. i can only remove their access to me in order to stop them from treating me with disrespect. is that worded better than saying i can't control anyone else's behavior? i can't heal the wounds of someone else's childhood and replace their damaged attitudes and coping mechanisms with a healthy way of relating to others and themselves. i've accepted this. it's true whether you want to believe it or not.

now, when i say something like, "i can't ride a bike," your sentiment applies. otoh, "i can't speak spanish" is a true statement for me. doesn't mean i can't learn, but right now, i can't speak spanish.
post #36 of 107
Quote:
You guys can use me as a whipping boy for anything motivational you have ever heard in your life. No harm done. I'm not trying to sell anything. But how is that viewpoint benefiting you?
I realize you're not selling anything, but I assume someone sold it to you?
post #37 of 107
I think everyone here is nitpicking. I get the point Mommyshoppinghabit is trying to get across. I've had that epiphany myself, it's wonderful, but I know it doesn't apply to everything.

I totally agree, RiverTam and Storm Bride, that some wont's are the same as cant's, practically speaking. It just does not matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
Not to be even more annoying, but actually you can choose to be happy, or at least peaceful (which is a little better than happy IMO) rather than in a crappy mood.
And DH used to always tell me to "change my mood" whenever he and I were fighting, or "switch your attitude" which really hit a raw nerve and would set me off. Lately though, we start arguing and three seconds later, one of us goes "Your in your story too much" and the argument dissipates.
Here I'm going to pick nits. I have a bipolar disorder with debilitating depression. Was not diagnosed until after my last child was born. You can perhaps imagine what my post partum experience was like. There are not words to explain how much I would have liked to just 'switch my attitude'.

Well, I knew I needed to do SOMETHING, so I weaned my son and started medication.

I couldn't talk myself out of my bad attitude, but I did choose to do something to help myself.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I suppose.
post #38 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
I think everyone here is nitpicking. I get the point Mommyshoppinghabit is trying to get across. I've had that epiphany myself, it's wonderful, but I know it doesn't apply to everything.

I totally agree, RiverTam and Storm Bride, that some wont's are the same as cant's, practically speaking. It just does not matter.
I agree with the general point she's making, too. I think I even said that somewhere. I just think she's painting with way too broad a brush.

Quote:
I couldn't talk myself out of my bad attitude, but I did choose to do something to help myself.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I suppose.
I don't think it is, because what happens when the medication doesn't work, yk? I don't know how often that happens with bipolar, but I know it happens a lot with straight up "ordinary" clinical depression. These things can't just be "switched".
post #39 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I don't think it is, because what happens when the medication doesn't work, yk? I don't know how often that happens with bipolar, but I know it happens a lot with straight up "ordinary" clinical depression. These things can't just be "switched".
Totally. Define success. Define 'it worked'.

I tried 6 to 8 different meds before I found the combo I'm taking presently. The medication I take keeps me from wanting to die, helps me wake up, keeps me functioning. But I seem to be incapable of being happy, at least not like I used to. I hate it. It's unfair. I can only spend so much emotional energy on this issue, though. Most of the time I figure this is just going to be me till my dying day.

Some people try to find a medication and none of it works. Tragedies happen. I hate it.
post #40 of 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
Wow, what are u guys so afraid of?
I am afraid of people with privilege trivializing real-world obstacles. Because I see it happen all the time and it really fires me up.

My mom sees the world in much of the same way as you mommyshoppinghabit. I was raised with that type of new age morality. And you know what I learned? That everything is my fault. Everything. It's not empowering in the least and it gets really, really, REALLY old. My mom is especially like this in matters of health. Fever and sore throat? "What are you not letting go of? What are you so afraid of? Why are you allowing yourself to be sick?" Arughhhh! Honestly, I do not believe I choose to be sick, any more than I believe I simply "won't" get well this very moment.

Just like I don't believe I simply "didn't want a child badly enough" those four years I tried to get pregnant. My attitude had undergone no big change when I finally got pregnant.

Anyways, I think this type of belief really marginalizes true obstacles in people's lives. This doesn't do anyone any favors, and I think it causes others to be rather cavalier and nonchalant...and even blaming...about the pains and trials of others. It kills empathy. Because everyone could just have everything they wanted if they just tried harder...right? .
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