Planning Memorial for my MIL

[Chicky2]

Over the holiday weekend we had a very traumatic death here at our home. My MIL choked and when we found her about 15 minutes later it was already too late. (she lived in a handicap accessible home next to ours on our land) My dh started CPR while I called 911. A friend's dh was here and he's been a respiratory therapist for almost 30 years. They worked on my MIL for 25 minutes before the ambulance was able to get here. They were at least able to keep her heart beating long enough for my SIL to get here. MIL's brain was gone and my dh, SIL, and I took her off the ventilator on Sunday at noon.

MIL was physically and mentally disabled. Bless her heart, she isn't sad anymore (bipolar), and she isn't crooked anymore. She's running free and independent, like she always wanted to be.

We were able to donate her bones, eyes, and skin to Life Gift so she is able to help up to 15 other people.

What special things should be on her memorial table? Pictures and what else? We're stumbling thru this. We've lost before, but it was a long, drawn out illness, and not this sudden, unexpected and very traumatic event. We're just so hazy right now. It hurts so much and my husband is heartbroken that he wasn't able to save his mother.

We've decided that instead of flowers, we wish for people to donate money to the volunteer fire department out here. My dh was a member for awhile, and they have been out here numerous times for both my MIL and her sis when she was on hospice in our home. My husband feels that he was suppose to be on the fire dept and receive the training he did because he has unfortunately had to use his skills twice on loved ones. Once it worked, once it didn't.

What is appropriate to donate to the church (she was a member) where we'll be holding the memorial service? How much? It's a small affair, but we want to do what is right here.

Any other pointers would be appreciated. I'm the one who's suppose to handle this, and I want to make sure I don't do something wrong.

[momct]

I am sorry that you and your family have lost your mother in law. For the memorial table, if you have items that would remind her family of her- hobby items, awards,things she shared with her children and grandchildren put them there.As far as a donation to the church, your local customs and financial circumstances would help determine how much to give.We also gave something to the minister and the organist for the time they spent. I don't know if your mother in law will leave money in her estate,if she does you can always make an additional contribution to the church in her name after you have everything settled.I know this is hard, but you will all get through this time together.

[EFmom]

I agree with the pp.

I'm also very sorry for your loss.

[Chicky2]

Thank you.

There wasn't even an insurance policy to handle the arrangements. It's ok, though.

I was thinking we'd donate $150 or so. Like I said, there are less than 10 family members, so it'll be small. The only other people will be from the church.

[SeekingSerenity]

I am very, very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to your family. She had a good heart and now she is at peace.

So much love to you all.....

Grandma

[Chicky2]

Thank you.

[texmati]

I'm so very sorry, FIL passed away suddenly, and most of the planning was left to DH and I. I don't know much about the funeral planning through a church, but wanted to give you a big hug at this very sad time .

[Chicky2]

We had the memorial and it was nice. Lots of tears, lots of hugs. Some people came who truly surprised me. We donated to the church memorial committee. I suppose it's suppose to be closure to have a memorial service. It just doesn't feel like it. My dh had been on vacation (prior to this loss), and went back on Monday. That was a very hard day. Yesterday was easier, but today is hard again.

As a family, we are going to take a trip to Kentucky to take MIL "home". We'll scatter her ashes somewhere beautiful. My dh is wanting to go visit his dad there (still living) and we'll turn it into a camping/memorial/educational vacation of sorts.

Losing someone unexpectedly like this is much harder (imo) than when it is a long drawn-out thing. We've been thru that twice before, and it's never easy, but there was just no preparing oneself for something like this.

There's just so much to do, and I don't want to do any of it, but it falls on me. She lived here on our land in her own little handicap accessible home. Now we have this home and all it's contents to deal with. We'll donate what we can (she had lots of handicap aids that will go to a nursing home and to hospice), and get rid of the rest I suppose. But then there's the issue of this whole other house here. We don't want to rent it out (what if we had to evict someone and had to look at them every day while waiting on the eviction process?), but we have to do something with it because houses get sad if they aren't lived in. We now have to pay the bills in the house, so there's the financial aspect of it to worry about, too. Our adult dd doesn't want to live there (we didn't bring it up to her yet, it's just something she said). I dunno. It's just alot to deal with. Then there's the ringing phone....***sigh***

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Chicky2

There's just so much to do, and I don't want to do any of it, but it falls on me. She lived here on our land in her own little handicap accessible home. Now we have this home and all it's contents to deal with. We'll donate what we can (she had lots of handicap aids that will go to a nursing home and to hospice), and get rid of the rest I suppose. But then there's the issue of this whole other house here. We don't want to rent it out (what if we had to evict someone and had to look at them every day while waiting on the eviction process?), but we have to do something with it because houses get sad if they aren't lived in. We now have to pay the bills in the house, so there's the financial aspect of it to worry about, too. Our adult dd doesn't want to live there (we didn't bring it up to her yet, it's just something she said). I dunno. It's just alot to deal with. Then there's the ringing phone....***sigh***

Chicky, I"m glad the memorial was nice. As for all of the work-- it's exhausting. Just remember that it doesn't have to be done all at once, or even soon. Perhaps make a list of the things that need to be done, and figure out what can wait. You don't need to make decisions about what do with the house while everything is so raw. s.

[laohaire]

I'm sorry.

Like the PP, take this one step at a time. It's not urgent.

Yes, houses become sad if not lived in, but you have a good window of time before that happens.

Couldn't help but notice you have a 21 year old. Does he or she have a residence? Might that house be appropriate? Even just for summers if he or she is in college?

You're a homesteader, but I don't know how much land you have. Could you use a hand from someone who lives in the house? You could be very picky about who you choose, someone you trust.

Could it qualify for section 8 housing, for someone who needs a handicap accessible home? If it's section 8 the money is guaranteed from the government. It could be a godsend for someone as well.

Anyway I don't know much (or anything) but those are just what-ifs. Take the pressure off yourself and let it rest. The solution will come in due time.

[Chicky2]

Raw, yeah, that's a good word for what I'm feeling.

My oldest dd said out of the blue the other day that she didn't want to live there. She lives w/us now (has Asperger's) and her goal is to be on her own in about 5 years. I think I'll talk to her AS teacher about working her into it, because it would be a great transition place for her. It's about 9 ft from our house. Otherwise (or in addition to since it's 900 sq ft) a pool table would be a nice addition. We always joked about burying her in the woods and making her house into a game room. We are kind of a sick bunch, so you'd just have to know us. And her. She was so frustrating (bipolar) sometimes, but spunky as could be-always. Heck, the very night she choked she had been joking w/our neighbor when he went to say hi and call her "sexy mama". My dh had to stop her from showing our neighbor her boobies.

I know it doesn't all need to be done at once, but we do feel a sense of urgency about getting the items that can be used (and are in great demand) by someone to them asap. We have a really nice walker, a regular walker, a wheelchair (really nice), a lift chair, toilet raisers, canes, bed and chair alarms, you name it. I've already contacted the nursing home she went to each week to see her friends (she had done rehab there after breaking her knee).

The other stuff can wait. It just feels so empty.

I distinctly remember it getting easier by now after losing 2 loved ones to dementia/long drawn-out illnesses. It's only been 11 days, but I remember it being easier before. I had MIL in my home or several feet away in her house for 14 years. I saw her, checked on her, helped her to her bus to go to her therapy group or to the nursing home, gave her her medications, griped at her for not using her cane or putting in her teeth, bought her groceries, cut her hair, etc. for so long and now she's just gone. It feels so wrong this time.

We received a nice medallion from Lifegift today. It was so hard to open that piece of mail. I want to have it framed, but no hurry.

We have only 5 acres, and it cannot be deeded out differently. Dh just doesn't want anyone living here, and I really don't either. I'm sure we'll figure it out.

[SeekingSerenity]

You've made her passing into a life-saving gift, in many ways, with all the donations. Both of possessions and of her organs. You will find a way to work through your grief and turn it into a celebration of her life, well-lived, in time. But give yourself some room to heal. She lived her life, until the end I am sure, being thankful for all you'd ever done for her.

It will be a long time before her house gets sad, what with all the joy of your family in and around it.



Take care.