my mom is in a huff b/c of my 4.5yo dd. granted, most of the time, when we see my mom and dad, we're on a trip or totally off our schedule b/c they're visiting. when dd gets tired, and particularly tired and overwhelmed, she has tantrums. i don't mean kicking, hitting, on the floor stuff. i mean loud, LOUD crying. this rarely, if ever, happens at home. she's a pretty spunky kid as it is, and it seems to me that these outbursts are pretty normal, and seem to be her way of communicating that she's had enough. i usually already know that she's had enough, but on vacation or with guests, it is sometimes challenging to abruptly put an end to activity, and i just do my best to get her the rest and quiet she needs asap. otherwise, she's a very communicative, engaged, content 4yo.
so, a couple of weeks ago, i went to the beach for a family reunion with my parents, and without dh. i knew it was risky, b/c as much as parents like being grandparents, it has become obvious over the years that more than a couple of days with kids is too much for them, particularly b/c when there are tough moments, my mom, in particular, does not agree with how i handle them. her approach was to strongly communicate, sometimes physically (like pinching me, or at times spanking) that emotional outbursts are socially unacceptable. We had three of these incidents during this week. One where dd stood up to an older relative who was setting different rules for her granddaughter vs. my daughter, and not allowing my 14mo ds to participate in an activity that including, only, playing with balloons. She stuck up for her brother. The second was at 10:30 at night on a crowded boardwalk, in a store, where a cousin had a fit and was bought a toy to quiet her down. dd of course wanted one too. my mom wanted to physically remove dd from the store, and i respectfully declined and just walked dd out and walked her home. the third was after 9 hours in a car, about 2 hours past dd's normal dinnertime. my dad would not allow her to eat before praying, and took her food away b/c she wouldn't wait. i called him out on it in front of her, that the expectation of sitting to pray was unreasonable for a hungry, tired 4 yo and returned her food.
i received a letter from my mom two days ago stating grave concern that i allow my daughter to walk all over me, and that public opinion of dd is damaged by these outbursts. she told me that i need to accept her help and allow her to handle it, as these outbursts are out of control and completely inappropriate coming from a 4 yo.
my strong feeling is that yes, i am responsible, but only for allowing dd to be in situations that are that overwhelming for her. dd has every right to express herself to let me know that she is overwhelmed. of course, i continue to help her learn to do this differently as she gets older, and of course this is nothing like the tantrums of a small toddler. they're rare, happen in situations that are out of the ordinary for dd, and, i feel, are pretty developmentally appropriate. and i never "give in", unless offering food to a hungry child or leaving an overwhelming situation is "giving in".
any thoughts? of course, i'm second guessing myself. is this still ok for a 4yo? of course, if this behavior was frequent or if it inspired me to offer silly purchases or other things to keep her quiet, i would understand.
so, a couple of weeks ago, i went to the beach for a family reunion with my parents, and without dh. i knew it was risky, b/c as much as parents like being grandparents, it has become obvious over the years that more than a couple of days with kids is too much for them, particularly b/c when there are tough moments, my mom, in particular, does not agree with how i handle them. her approach was to strongly communicate, sometimes physically (like pinching me, or at times spanking) that emotional outbursts are socially unacceptable. We had three of these incidents during this week. One where dd stood up to an older relative who was setting different rules for her granddaughter vs. my daughter, and not allowing my 14mo ds to participate in an activity that including, only, playing with balloons. She stuck up for her brother. The second was at 10:30 at night on a crowded boardwalk, in a store, where a cousin had a fit and was bought a toy to quiet her down. dd of course wanted one too. my mom wanted to physically remove dd from the store, and i respectfully declined and just walked dd out and walked her home. the third was after 9 hours in a car, about 2 hours past dd's normal dinnertime. my dad would not allow her to eat before praying, and took her food away b/c she wouldn't wait. i called him out on it in front of her, that the expectation of sitting to pray was unreasonable for a hungry, tired 4 yo and returned her food.
i received a letter from my mom two days ago stating grave concern that i allow my daughter to walk all over me, and that public opinion of dd is damaged by these outbursts. she told me that i need to accept her help and allow her to handle it, as these outbursts are out of control and completely inappropriate coming from a 4 yo.
my strong feeling is that yes, i am responsible, but only for allowing dd to be in situations that are that overwhelming for her. dd has every right to express herself to let me know that she is overwhelmed. of course, i continue to help her learn to do this differently as she gets older, and of course this is nothing like the tantrums of a small toddler. they're rare, happen in situations that are out of the ordinary for dd, and, i feel, are pretty developmentally appropriate. and i never "give in", unless offering food to a hungry child or leaving an overwhelming situation is "giving in".
any thoughts? of course, i'm second guessing myself. is this still ok for a 4yo? of course, if this behavior was frequent or if it inspired me to offer silly purchases or other things to keep her quiet, i would understand.
