DH and I in disagreement about Private Schools

[Kivgaen]

To protect the privacy of ourselves and the private school in question, I won't mention specifically what school I'm talking about. (Some intelligent readers may be able to guess based on my comments, but I will neither confirm nor deny any such guesses, so don't even bother trying!)

I'm not as "starstruck" with this school as my husband is. We chose this school for DS last year because he was struggling with the public school system. It wasn't uncommon for us to get comments from the teachers about speaking to a doctor... or subtle hints towards an "ADHD" label.

Don't get me wrong... This school is GREAT for DS. But now DD is at that age for JK for next year (But only Nursery school again next year, if we choose the private school, because of the different age cut off), and I just DO NOT want to put her in this school.

I don't know what it is about it. Whether it's the money that we can't really afford (without making significant lifestyle changes), the idiosyncrasies with this particular style of education, the lack of "academic" feel towards the education as a whole, the fact that DS and DD would then be 3 years apart in "class" age, instead of 2 years difference in Publisc School. (she's 2.5 years younger than DS).

DH and I are in agreement that, without doing things that we don't really want to do (eliminate karate/music lessons, gym memberships, vacations, home improvements, eating in more and at restaurants less, etc.), we can't afford the private school for two children. We've applied for assistance from the school to see if they can "help" us get there. But I don't really want them to say "yes". Even though they said to us today in the review meeting "we want you to live", I would still feel guilty taking the money and thinking that there are more deserving families out there who needed it more.

I believe that this would be a fine school for DD as well and I am sure that she would thrive and grow and develop into a wonderful, confident, creative, well-rounded and secure PERSON being at this school. But I'm certainly not choosing this education for its academics. I don't know enough about the grades at the higher levels, but what little I HAVE read and heard about it, it appears to be below standards when compared to a lot of other academic schools.

That being said, the atmosphere at this school is completely different from any other school in this area that I have set foot in. The staff are friendly, the students are helpful, co-operative, kind, caring, the lack of media influence on the kids is VERY obvious, etc. It really is wonderful on the surface... but something within me just doesn't feel right... I can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill, but DH and I are on two completely different sides of the fence when it comes to DD and the private school. I was in extreme resistance to put DS there in the first place, and now my resistance about DD is 10x worse than that. I was wrong about DS, this private school is the right place for him to be right now. I may be wrong about DD, but I believe that she will thrive at the Public school. The advantage of that is we're already paying for that one with our taxes, so there's no more out-of-pocket expenses to budget for.

I really have no idea what to do, or how to talk to DH about my concerns without feeling like I was just being a brick wall and he's the one trying to break it down until it crumbles, so he can get through to his goal on the other side...

[zinemama]

It sounds like you really can't afford the private school for your dd. Your dh agrees that you can't afford it without making cutbacks neither of you is willing to make. So to me it sounds like this is less an ideological decision than a financial one.

You clearly have doubts about the school, but it suits your son. So keep him there as long as it's working. You clearly can't afford to send your dd there, so send her to public school.

You didn't say that you have any serious concerns about your dd and public school, so I'm not clear what the problem is.

[Kivgaen]

Sorry, I guess I didn't explain clearly.

We had a meeting with the school today to ask for financial assistance, which I *think* that they will agree to. So next week, DH will say "look -- we can afford it now, they're paying for what we asked for", and I really don't want them to say "yes, we'll give you what you asked for".

I guess I'm anticipating next week's problem, when DH will say "let's do it -- they said 'yes' to financially assisting us".

[journeymom]

I'm making a huge assumption here, probably making an a$$ of myself and I will not ask you to 'comfirm or deny', but have you read the Life After Waldorf thread here on the Personal Growth forum??

[SoulCakes]

I was thinking Waldorf, too.

Would your husband agree to try the public school with the condition that you'll enroll your daughter at the other school if it isn't working? That way it seems like you're open to changing your mind, but you want to take the least-impact option first (I doubt they'd give you a full scholarship, right?). It just makes sense. You can have a school that's good for one child but not the other.

I guess I'm more curious about why your husband is so adamant about this school. I had to bend over backwards to persuade my husband to let us enroll DD at a private school, but his concerns were good ones, if frustrating. If he would have been completely and utterly against it I would have been put off. Is there something about the public school that he just really doesn't like?

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by SoulCakes

Is there something about the public school that he just really doesn't like?

Yes... He hated school. And I brought this up with him tonight, actually. I said exactly that: You hated school, because you are like DS. I'm NOT like DS, and I LOVED public school. DD is more like me than she is like you and DS. So why don't you believe she would thrive there? His response was "we can talk about it later"... (That's usually what he says when I've made a good argument that he can't rebutt

The private school wont even put her in JK this year, but the public school would. I suggested to him that we try JK this year, like we did with DS, and see how she does. Maybe she will thrive there (as I suspect she will). We're going to talk more about it tonight or tomorrow night.

[mamallama]

I would not pay money I couldn't afford for a school that feels like a poor fit.

Have you considered homeschooling?

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by mamallama

I would not pay money I couldn't afford for a school that feels like a poor fit.

Have you considered homeschooling?

this CAN'T/WON'T thread has made me realize that I need to be straight with myself. We CAN afford it. I just won't. I need to find out why I "won't".

[Kivgaen]

About the home schooling question... I prefer to work

[lach]

It's not what you're asking, but I wanted to say: It's not up to you to decide whether you're the most deserving of financial aid... if the school decides that you are, then you are. End of story. I wouldn't feel guilty about getting financial aid if it is offered. If the school thought that there was a better family to give the money to, then they would give it to that family. If the school decides that you're the most deserving family, then that's their decision to make. Even if another family has less money than you, the school used whatever criteria they use to decide that you get the money.

As to your question, I wouldn't stretch myself very thin over a school that isn't a great fit. Different schools work for different kids, and it has nothing to do with money. As parents we try to treat our kids equally, and I think the fact that we also tend to think a lot about money and budgeting can interfere with what our definition of equal is. Mind you, I think that it's definitely done on a subconscious level in many cases. But I think that this might be quietly gnawing on your DH's mind: that it will be some sort of proof that he loves DS best that he goes to a fancy expensive school while DD gets dumped at the free public school. But from their perspective, the money isn't important: what's important is that both of your children are in a school where they thrive.

From your perspective, of course, the money is very important. You say you can afford it, but the things you list are kinda the things that make life fun. I mean, karate and vacations aren't necessary to life or to adequate parenting, but they also add a lot to your lives. I personally am not sure that I would find it worth it to give up those things for a school situation which you're so ambivalent about.

I think that you should keep pressing for the experimental junior kindergarten year, and say how it goes.

[mamallama]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

About the home schooling question... I prefer to work

As a long time homeschooling mom in the throes of burnout with my pre-pubescent child, I applaud your self-awareness!

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by lach

It's not what you're asking, but I wanted to say: It's not up to you to decide whether you're the most deserving of financial aid... if the school decides that you are, then you are. End of story. I wouldn't feel guilty about getting financial aid if it is offered. If the school thought that there was a better family to give the money to, then they would give it to that family. If the school decides that you're the most deserving family, then that's their decision to make. Even if another family has less money than you, the school used whatever criteria they use to decide that you get the money.

Thanks... that helped a lot. I think a big part of me still feels guilty about getting the financial aid.

As to your question, I wouldn't stretch myself very thin over a school that isn't a great fit. Different schools work for different kids, and it has nothing to do with money. As parents we try to treat our kids equally, and I think the fact that we also tend to think a lot about money and budgeting can interfere with what our definition of equal is. Mind you, I think that it's definitely done on a subconscious level in many cases. But I think that this might be quietly gnawing on your DH's mind: that it will be some sort of proof that he loves DS best that he goes to a fancy expensive school while DD gets dumped at the free public school.

You hit the nail on the head both times... I'm sure that's exactly how he feels!

Thanks for your words... I must ponder this situation more over my mini "vacation" (taking the kids to the cottage for a week, without DH... it will give me lots of time to process).

I won't be around for a week, but I appreciate everyone's comments. I'll be back to read more next friday. (Assuming there's more to read!).

[jeteaa]

Would you say the financial cost is the same for both of you. Are you and your dh giving up the same things to pay for school? or would you sahm but now have to work? If its the same cost for both of you, and your dh is VERY sure about this school and you are so-so sure, I would stay with the school. But if you are having to give up more than your dh, and PS or hs would be a better life style fit for you ( and your dc) then I think you need to put your foot down and make him see your way.

[Arduinna]

I'd find another private school for her if you won't homeschool. There is no way I'd ever put my kid in public school and the inequity of putting one child in private school and one in public wouldn't allow me to do that either.

[imagine21]

The real question is, "would you send DD to the private school if money was not an issue?" And, if the answer is yes, then I think you have to find a way to make it happen, even if it means some sacrifice on your part and swallowing your pride about taking financial aid.

[mumkimum]

DH & I really differ on willingness/reasons for sending a kid to public/private school.

I had some great opportunities at public school, and because my parents weren't sending extra money on schooling I had a lot of outside of school music/art/educational opportunities they could afford. They wouldn't have been able to do that stuff for us otherwise. Dh had siblings who went to private schools and kinda idealizes that opportunity (he went to public schools and his family didn't really do a lot of out of school educational stuff - more extra-curricular recreation or sports if anyone was involved in something outside of school).


Getting down each of your pros/cons on paper might really help see what's going on for each of you, rather than just talking and trying to convince each other about the issue.
IMO it sounds like you are most worried about the things that you'll have to give up and that the difference of schooling for having made that sacrifice won't really be worth what those things are for you and your family (and imo, being able to do the out of school lessons and other things that benefit the whole family is a big and hard sacrifice).

[SoulCakes]

I understand how hating school could turn him on to a private, especially a non-traditional, education. I loved my private school, then hated the public school I was sent to for high school. So I've always been biased.

In my DD's case, she's a bit wild. I worry she'd fall through the cracks in a large classroom (my primary beef with public schools) and turn into the class clown, not "utilize her potential" or some such nonsense that haunts me in the wee hours of the morning. That and, like I said, I loved my small private school.

But. I wouldn't flat out discredit all public schools. My husband, a man of far more motivation than myself, went only to public schools (about ten different ones--he was a military kid). He not only thrived, but got massive scholarships to an Ivy League university, went on a Fulbright, got his PhD, etc. Me, I wilted in public school (probably the contrast between my tiny private school where I was top of my class and the massive public school with kids showing up drunk, etc.). Hated it. Needless to say, my husband doesn't get my preference for private, or feel like it offers any advantages.

But none of that really matters. If you aren't sure why you're so against the private school, you should continue emphasizing the experimental commitment to the public school: if the shoe doesn't fit, you'll move her to the private school. I get that your husband might not want one child and private and one at public, but really, it's about what makes your kids happy. If she loves her school she isn't going to care that her brother goes to a different one. If she wants to go to her brother's school in the future, you can always move her.

Enjoy your vacation, and good luck working this one out.

[kathymuggle]

I understand your dilemma.

This is how I would present it, to both DH, and DD if she ever wonders why DS is in a private school and she is not:

"we tried the free, public option for DS. It did not work and we found a place for him that fits better. We should do the same for DD. If she likes it and thrives there (and some kids do) great! If she does not - we will move her to somewhere she will thrive".

[raksmama]

Just want to mention Ds was in a Waldorf school from preschool to 1st grade, a Montessori school for part of grade 1 and a different Montessori school for grade 2(This was because we moved across the country). He has been in a public Catholic school since grade 3. He just graduated from grade 6 and will also go to a public Catholic middle school next year. We much prefer the public Catholic school to any of the private schools.

When I think of all the money we wasted on those private schools I feel sick! For the most part I think Public schools are much better.

1.The teachers are paid better and have more benefits in Public schools. Happy teachers make good teachers. Most teachers would prefer to work in a public school. All the teachers who can’t get work in a public school end up going to the privates schools which do not pay as well and often don’t even pay during the summer months

2.Many private schools are business. Do I need to explain more?

3.There is more accountability in public schools. If there is a problem you can always bring it up at the school board. My experience with private’s schools confirms that problems are often hushed up.

This is my personal observation from our own experiences and from talking to others who switched from Private to public schools. I am not saying everything is perfect. (My rant in the thread "Racist Remarks at School" show that.) But I still find my sons public school by far the best of all he has attended thus far.

I also think homeschooling can be great!

[Arduinna]

I don't think the public schools in the US compare to the public schools in Canada though. Not sure where the OP lives.