When Nanny becomes your friend , the boundaries get blurry, and you feel stuck -

[Michelle Renee]

This post is going to be kind of vague.

What do you do when Nanny becomes your friend but then you need to put your foot down? Im in a capricious situation - Im a WOHM with 2 girls with (mild) special needs and I am also in a rocky marriage. Nanny works for us from 7-5, 4 days a week and is paid what we can afford and more than she would make working anywhere else in the area. Nanny has paid time off (2 weeks a year, sick time, etc) and we keep her on in the summer in more of a mothers helper figure despite me being a teacher and not needing her and let her work reduced hours with the same rate of pay. We also provide her with a unlimited cell phone, gas money, buy her lunches, help when her car breaks, and opportunities for bonus money which she usually wont take us up on.

Nanny has been with us for 18 months and through the worst parts of my marriage and been my confident and my childrens emotional lifeline when I have been a wreck. My children absolutely adore Nanny. I _never_ worry about them at work or have concerns for their safety. Nanny when I bug her - does help out around the house with loading dishwasher, washing girls clothes, and keeping track of appointments. Being a Mom with ADD and a little bit aspie -this is a God send.

Then something dumb happens like she makes a fuss about something that is well within her job description - like working until 5 pm (rarely does during summer ) or she wants to bring her teenage cousin with her (usually this is fine but I can not put all 5 of us in a car safely and Nanny is broke and cant afford gas money to go to activities separately to drive her cousin) and I just feel stepped on. (Nanny's cousin is in town right now and it is driving me nuts, prior to cousin being in town, I was packing us all up in my car and we were going thrift shopping, water parks, adventures galore, and I was enjoying myself) Or I do not say "No" to Nanny and we are out shopping and I buy her trinkets and then want her to help out around the house with extra chores. (Trinkets - clothes from thrift stores, stuff from dollar store, etc)
Or we needed Nanny to take girls to swim class and Nanny has a unique shape so we had to get her a bathing suit from lands end. Nannys feet hurt at sprinkler park so we bought Nanny water shoes.

I am horrible with interpersonal skills and have like one friend outside of Nanny. My relationship with my husband is a roller coaster and I just am not good at navigating social situations at all. I am not good at "I am the boss and you listen to me".

It seems complicated because we are all so dependent on Nanny and I get in that insecure place of "Nanny will quit if I have a talk with her" which most likely is not true due to her financial situation (no jobs out there, we pay her more than retail, and she doesnt have career skills).

What do you guys do when you get to close to Nanny? I give her too much but also recognize I am needy too. ugh? help.

[MommatoAandA]

Her job sounds pretty GREAT to me. I would not use her if she was not needed in the summer and def would only pay her for the hours she worked. I would not buy her trinkets and gifts except on some special occasions or holidays maybe.

If your marriage is rocky, you are most likely lonely. I hope you don't take the following to offense at all, but it sort of sounds like you are putting your emotional needs sort of on your nanny and that is probably making it awkward on both sides.

If her cousin does not fit and cramps the vehicle, then give nanny the day off to spend with her cousin. If you are paying her above the local average, you should not be fixing her car either. It sounds like a child/parent relationship in some aspects.

Her job is to be there for your kids when you need her. If she gives you crap over her cousin that is BEYOND unprofessional, which it sounds as though it has gone way past the professional boundaries on a lot of accounts. I would have a sit down with her, write down what is expected of her. Write down what you need from her and then put the ball in her court, apologize for blurring any lines, my bet is she wont want to lose her job.

[momtoS]

You pay her well and buy her gas, it sounds as though she may be using you....telling you that she is broke and out of gas.

Prehaps you could write out what her job includes and go over it with her?

[poppan]

I think in this situation I would do two things to re-establish the boundaries:

1) Sit down and have a talk about responsibilities, hours, etc. It's not reasonable that she is resentful about working until 5pm if she is supposed to work until 5pm and is paid for it. It's not reasonable for her to bring a friend (her cousin) with her to work. I would sit her down and ask her honestly if she would prefer to work fewer hours since her cousin is in town and it's summertime. If she says yes, work out a summer schedule and pay her accordingly. If she says no, she wants to keep all her hours/pay, that's your opportunity to lay down the law--stuff like, you can't bring your cousin with you to work, and you can't grumble if you have to stay until 5pm.

2) More importantly (to me), I think to re-establish the boundaries you have got to stop spending time with her. I think we all want to treat our nannies like our friends because it feels bad and weird to treat someone like an employee. It's easy to keep it business-like if contact is limited to beginning and end of the day, and you can keep the conversation strictly about the children. If you start spending time together on outings and shopping trips, for a lot of people the lines can get really blurred.

My suggestion would be to use the time to do something for yourself, or do something one-on-one with just one child while the other stays with nanny (alternate to be fair, of course), or take both kids out with you while nanny does work that you make up for her to do (run errands, light housework, laundry, cooking, etc--of course this would have to be negotiated when you have the sit down with her). I would also give nanny the option of receiving half pay for days not worked during the summer and just give her the time off if she prefers that over having to do chores. The reality is you don't need her over the summer and IMHO it's fair to let her choose between temporary new responsibilities to maintain her pay, or reduced hours with half pay for hours not worked.

[BunnySlippers]

ooh, tough one.... I seem to think of one solution, then come up with a bunch of reason for it not working out, or backfiring in some way.

I think... without clear expectations (on both sides) it is very easy to take advantage of another person. This almost seems like you are in a second marriage here .

If you could find the right ways to re-establish the friend-nanny boundries I think you'd be in the clear. I do think it is possible to be both employer and friend. I am friends with my employer, though I am very careful about accepting 'gifts', for reasons similar to this. I don't mind hand-me down clothes, but the passing off of everything else is turned down. I really like my boss and her family and while I truely appreciate the spirit in which they are given, it just makes things awkward. Plus I am afraid I may become 'expectant?' of being spoiled so that is another reason I turn them down.

I think... you need to stop with gifting your nanny stuff. She has it pretty easy by the sounds of it. Also take a good look at yourself to make sure you are being honest about your personality/expectations and how you are coming across- not that you probably are not great as you sound, just some people are a little less great than they realise oh boy, I hope that came across right.
I do think 7-5 makes for one loooong day(10hrs?)....so cut back on that when possible.
Does nanny get a break?

If you start off with, 'nanny..you know you have become a cherished friend of mine, so it is hard for me to....' that may start the conversation on a good note.. Maybe give her some options and reach for a compromise on what both of you need..

and if she leaves you over this...she was never your friend

[PennyRoo]

"Nanny, I want to check in with you about how things on the job are going. It seems like there are a few times you've been frustrated with certain aspects of the job- your cousin not being able to come along, for example, or the hours. I know it can be hard to have an employer-employee type conversation when we've also become friends, but I want to make sure that we're still able to address any issues that come up despite the friendship. So, what do you think? How are things going for you?"

Listen to her perspective, then let her know:

"We have a friendship, which I've totally appreciated, but we also have a working relationship, and both are important to me. There are a couple of things I've wanted to bring up over the past few weeks.

It's been hard to hear that you are not OK with my setting limits on your cousin coming along. I'd like to know that first and foremost, the focus is on the kids. When your cousin is there, it limits the outings we can do in my car which, from my perspective, takes the focus off being able to do the same kinds of fun things for the kids. I'm wondering if you'd like to reduce your hours in the summer to be able to spend more time with your cousin, so it's just you and the kids when you are on the job?

I've also been confused about your difficulty with working past 5 PM. I'd like us to have a conversation about our expectations around schedules, to see if we can figure something out that works with both our schedules."

Finally, I would not mention the trinkets or water shoes - that was your choice, as I understood the post. If you have an issue with buying her things, then perhaps it is time to stop!

Just my .02! I'm sorry you've been going through such a stressful time in your life.

[Michelle Renee]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

ooh, tough one.... I seem to think of one solution, then come up with a bunch of reason for it not working out, or backfiring in some way.

I think... without clear expectations (on both sides) it is very easy to take advantage of another person. This almost seems like you are in a second marriage here .

I feel like it


If you could find the right ways to re-establish the friend-nanny boundries I think you'd be in the clear. I do think it is possible to be both employer and friend. I am friends with my employer, though I am very careful about accepting 'gifts', for reasons similar to this. I don't mind hand-me down clothes, but the passing off of everything else is turned down. I really like my boss and her family and while I truely appreciate the spirit in which they are given, it just makes things awkward. Plus I am afraid I may become 'expectant?' of being spoiled so that is another reason I turn them down.

I think... you need to stop with gifting your nanny stuff. She has it pretty easy by the sounds of it. Also take a good look at yourself to make sure you are being honest about your personality/expectations and how you are coming across- not taht you probably are not great as you sound, just some people are a little great than they realise oh boy, I hope that came across right.
I do think 7-5 makes for one loooong day(10hrs?)....so cut back on that when possible.
Does nanny get a break?

Im a teacher - so typically I leave for work around 7 and come home between 3:30-5:00 - her pay never changes for it. My girls both sleep close to 3 hours a day. THey also get up after 8 am. So in some ways - 4 hours of the time she is here - they are asleep.


If you start off with, 'nanny..you know you have become a cherished friend of mine, so it is hard for me to....' that may start the conversation on a good note.. Maybe give her some options and reach for a compromise on what both of you need..

and if she leaves you over this...she was never your friend


Hmm -
Ill think about this.

[Michelle Renee]

Originally Posted by momtoS

You pay her well and buy her gas, it sounds as though she may be using you....telling you that she is broke and out of gas.

Prehaps you could write out what her job includes and go over it with her?

Ehh - she just gets by.
We give her gas for most driving of the kids and exta when we can - she drives an old truck which is all she has - it sucks gas if you just turn it on.
I think if you tell her truck it is time to drive - it says it wants gas

I drive a tiny tiny car that is good on gas.

[La Sombra]

I will just comment in general, mama, on what you already know full-well and what you have already acknowledged in your post: you have to sort out your boundary issues! In this situation and in general, or these kinds of things are going to continue plaguing you.

I'm saying this sympathetically because I also have had great trouble in my life speaking my mind. Most recently, I have had some problems with dd's daycare and I convinced myself not to address them directly because it would make things worse for dd. In fact, I was just scared of confronting DCP. (Things have since come to a head and dd no longer goes to this day care) I am ashamed of that and I am trying REALLY hard to suck it up and speak up when something is bothering me--for dd's sake and for MINE! I want dd to see me as her warrior, as a strong person who isn't afraid to speak her mind. And I don't want to live with all these private frustrations that I never feel strong enough to express. It's no way to live!

I agree with what PPs have said. You don't owe her more than what is fair to do her job. YOU DON'T! Likewise, she doesn't need to hear about your personal life. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I HEAR you about the marriage problems and I know how scary it can be to be so lonely. But she's either your employee or your friend. I suppose it's theoretically possible to be both, but clearly in your situation it isn't working because of a) the boundary issues and guilt, etc. that you have and b) she is clearly taking advantage of these issues of yours.

This isn't healthy for either of you. Obviously!

So what you need to do now, it seems to me, is take a big step back and reevaluate the situation. Sit down with her and tell her you appreciate and respect the work she does so much. Tell her that you feel that you have been too open with her about your personal problems, that you are sorry about that, and that you can see that it has helped create problems in your professional relationship with her. Then tell her clearly--write it down, ideally!--what the new expectations are.

And don't apologize for them! And stick to them!

Your children love her and that is FANTASTIC. I get why you don't want to risk that. But I'm telling you that if you can't sort out the boundary issues, it doesn't matter how great she is with your kids or how much they love her: IT ISN'T WORKING.

Best of luck to you, mama. I really feel you on these issues!