OMG, How is it possible that I am pregnant again!!! GUILT TRIP

[phoenix78]

Hi Mamas,

I just had two positive pregnancy tests tonight. Freakin' right the f out though, as this will be baby #3 and the first unplanned. I have a 15 month old who I just weaned 2 weeks ago. I also have a 5 year old with some mild special needs. I am feeling terrified that I have already hurt this baby. Since weaning, I've resumed drinking alcohol and caffiene. Coffee 2x a day, and I'll be honest, I usually have one hard lemonade or glass of wine a night with dinner. Last weekend, we went to a festival for the 4th of July and I drank rum! Worst of all, I had a pelvic x-ray 10 days ago taken by my own DH who is a chiro student. We laughed when I had to fill out the part about LMP on the chiro forms because I've only had 2 periods in the last 6 years. 3 days ago, I thought I had a yeast infection, so I took monistat suppository.

I have PCOS and endo and had been infertile with my first two children until going on the right medication. I went years without getting pregnant when I first tried. And now here I am, no period to be had since 2 years ago, suddenly pregnant without medication! OMG! I am so worried I have already hurt this baby and he/she will be born with a deformity now.

I called my midwife who tried to reassure me that these things aren't as awful as I'm makign them out to be and lots of women do things they regret before they know they are pregnant. I'm mostly worried about the x-ray and drinking. I have a history of panic disorder, which is generally under control, but I am freaking right out about this.

While I'm feeling guilty, I'm also still feeling a bit of shock and cannot believe this is real. DH and I had planned to stop at two (I know, should have used condoms) and I was just starting to think about going back to school now that baby was getting a bit bigger. DH is unemployed right now until he graduates. Our lives are totally up in the air. How can we possibly take on another child now?

My first DD was also a high risk pregnancy. Bedrest for 4 months, PROM, and 6 weeks in NICU. Second DD was a natural VBAC with midwife. What if I cant' do it again?

Sorry for the complete freak out but i am still in shock and awe mode and not sure how to cope with this news.

[EllisH]

Hi there,

It's normal to feel guilty and stressed - we all do. Esp. about anything we did the first weeks before we knew we were pregnant. The good news is that you can do very little harm those first few weeks - it wouldn't make sense for nature to organize it otherwise (my obgyn mentioned this to me before I was even pregnant!). Many of us drank some glasses of wine and did things we would not have done had we known we were pregnant. Look around you on the street: do you think the mothers of all those people you see followed every rule in the book? (This exercise always calms my shaky nerves). 'Just' take good care of yourself in these hard first few weeks (at least they were hard for me) and start planning how you are going to handle this when you feel better and have settled into the pregnancy.

All the best with this pregnancy!

[etsdtm99]

the xray would make me nervous, but i am a worrier and i really know nothing about what they can do.. but none of the rest of that stuff sounds concerning early on, the placenta doesn't pass things like caffeine and alcohol until later.. do you have any idea how far along you are?

[aloneinid]

My main concern would be the x-ray and a quick Google search pulled up this:

"Damage to fetal cells may result in miscarriage, birth defects, or mental impairment, depending on the amount of radiation and the stage of pregnancy. The risks are higher during the first three months of pregnancy (first trimester). It is important to note that most of these effects do not usually occur below 100 mGy - more radiation than three pelvic CT scans or 20 abdominal x-rays.

There is an increased risk of childhood cancer from DNA damage regardless of when in pregnancy the radiation occurred. The risk is believed to be proportional to the amount of radiation, i.e. the smaller the amount of radiation, the smaller the risk of cancer. Most studies show no increase in childhood cancer from small amounts of radiation. However, one study identifies the chance of a childhood cancer from abdominal x-rays (in the 10 mGy range) at about one in 1,000 births. In comparison, the chance of a childhood cancer in the general population is about two to three in 1,000 births."

So, since you only had one x-ray the risks should be minimal. As far as the drinking, it should be fine. Doesn't sound like you were binging or anything and like PP said, the baby is not connected to your blood supply in the beginning so the alcohol doesn't directly transfer. It would be helpful to find out how far along you are.

[Ellen Griswold]

Well, congratulations ! I'm 21 weeks along with a surprise 3rd. Got preggo on the pill, nearly hyperventilated and wacked my head on the counter when I saw those positive pregnancy tests. We were done too. To be honest, it took me quite a while to actually be excited...like maybe till week 14 or so when I stopped (mostly) puking. It's so easy to think of all those things that we should have or should not have done. You trust your midwife, right? Would she really lie to you about any of the "risky" things that you have done? I can't see how that would benefit either of you. You know about the baby now. The very best you can do from now on is really all that you can do. You can't change the past. Please be easy on yourself.

[donutmolly]

I had the hardest time accepting my last pregnancy (also my 3rd, and a huge surprise, DD2 was only 9mo and it was a really stressful time in our lives!) I was worried that my stress would affect the baby. I was so stressed that I barely managed to eat anything besides Fruit Loops for the first trimester -- and then I worried about harming my baby through my lousy diet.

The end result -- a perfectly healthy, easy going, delightful baby. She is such a blessing and I now cannot imagine life without her.

It will be all right -- be easy on yourself, and do your best to enjoy your pregnancy!

[phoenix78]

Thanks for the reassurance mamas. I also found the same info on google about the xrays. DH has reassured me with his research as well that one xray, while obviously not the best, probably isn't going to cause a birth defect. I have no idea how far along I am...I haven't had a period in 3 years! I'm assuming pretty recently, given I just weaned my daughter and had some cramping about 2-3 weeks ago, which I'm guessing was ovulation or implantation. My midwife scheduled me for an us on Tuesday to determine g/a.

I'm still freaked out a bit today. It's good to know other 3rd-time, unplanned mamas get to a point when htey are okay with it. I also puked for months with both of my girls, so I am dreading that possibility.

It's just such a major upheaval in what was about to be a turning point in our lives. DH is graduating, we were looking to move out of state and start over somewhere new. Not that it is completely out of the question, but I can't see doing that immediately now. And my ph.d. dreams are going to have to wait several more years now, which is also disappointing.

I'm sure I will settle happily into this pregnancy once I have a better sense that baby is okay and I wrap my head around changing our plans again.

[Tiffanoodle]

Congratulations! I know the feeling of a surprise pregnancy after infertility. We had secondary infertility and tried for 2 and 1.5 years, respectively, for #'s 2 and 3. Then 1 month off of birth control (that I was on more to regulate the cycles that had finally decided to return after lots of weight loss) and along came #4.

I had been going through some really horrible things around the time I conceived. My dh had to take a huge paycut, we moved back "home" from 300 miles away, where we had just moved the year prior, we were living in a camper for a month and then moved back into our home that the renters had trashed. The kids were starting school, I had a 16 month old, dh was commuting over an hour to work, and some more stuff I won't get into...it was just a crazy time. I drank quite a good deal those first couple weeks (I normally don't drink at all, but it was a hugely stressful time for me). I also took up smoking right before I conceived (um, yeah, don't ask on that one. I handle stress in odd ways. lol). I took a lot of migraine pills and the kicker was I went in to the ER sometime between conception and a blood test actually being positive. I had a killer migraine. I had some lovely IV painkillers, a CT scan, and Valium to get me through an MRI. When I got the BFP a week later, I freaked OUT. I was horrified that something would be wrong with my baby because of the drinking, smoking, drugs, and radiation.

My dd is now 2 weeks old and perfect in every way. There were absolutely no ill effects from anything I did before I knew. On another note, I also had to really come to terms with her being a good thing. Those first few months, I cried a lot and felt so much guilt. I felt like it was the worst time possible and how could I be so dumb as to get pregnant when I did. Things worked out, though. dh ended up getting a job closer to home which ends up bringing home more when considering lack of traveling. We qualified for medical assistance because of my pregnancy, which gave dh the kick in the pants he needed to get his diabetes under control. I was given the pregnancy and now a newborn to focus on. I made the comment several times during pregnancy that "if I wasn't pregnant right now, I'd be a raging alcoholic." I was joking, but I look back and wonder honestly if I would have been able to cope with life if I hadn't had her as a distraction. She has been the biggest blessing for us all. I still look and think that a few months later would have been better timing, but I wouldn't trade her for the world.

[3sweetsurprises]

Congratulations on number 3!

I've been told by various midwives and ob/gyns not to worry about those first few weeks. I agree with a pp who said nature designs things well.

I am also expecting a big surprise number 3. I am currently 23 weeks. Honestly, I've just now begun to except that I am pregnant and having a third. I did lots of crying for the first 20 weeks or so. I had plans to go back to work soon and was thrilled to be adding to our family's finances instead of fighting feelings of being a drain on them. I'm still making some adjustments like dealing with feelings of guilt because the baby will take away time and money from my older girls. Long story short, give yourself time to adjust. I remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I just don't always know that reason in the time span I want. My first two have truly been a blessing and this one is too.

[phoenix78]

Well, I have now had 4 positive home tests, 3 days of exhaustion and nausea, so I am begrudingly getting to acceptance. I spent the first two days pretty hysterical and yesterday I had a depressive pity party for myself but I figure at some point, I'm going to have to accept this pregnancy and I don't want to bring a lot of negativity to it already. I really appreciate those of you sharing how hard it was to come to terms with a surprise #3. I'm assuming this will be tougher emotionally than the last 2 pregnancies just because it wasn't planned and highly anticipated. It's so weird because I was so overjoyed I was first pregnant with my first dd. I would have done anything to have a positive pregnancy test then. Even though DD#2 was planned, I freaked out because it happened so fast after I went on the medication that I hadn't wrapped my head around it. But I absolutely can't imagine life without them now and I'm sure #3 will be the same.

I'm anxious to know how far along I am. Will find out on Tuesday hopefully when I have the u/s.

I haven't been able to tell anyone yet and have forbid husband too. I'm not sure how to get excited yet when people say congratulations. I afraid I'll want to launch right into how unplanned and unexpected this was and how awful I feel about it. My youngest brother was an oopsie baby and I swear it has screwed him up psychologically somehow because he never felt "wanted" the way my older brother and I were after my mother's own infertility.

DH can't keep secrets and told immediately with both our girls so he is having a hard time sitting on it. He told DD#1 today, so I'm sure by tomorrow, everyone she encounters will know.

I've decided that the best thing to do now is to put my other plans (like starting my Ph.D.) out of my mind for the moment and just focus on the present moment. Seems like enough to worry about. Need a bigger car, bigger house. Hubby needs a job. Gotta figure those out first.

Thanks for the support mamas.

[Mrs.Music]

Try not to worry. I have a 16 month old and I'm 8 weeks along. I weaned to have kidney surgery. Was on vicodin. Drank alcohol. Had caffiene. Had an abdominal xray. Had a stent placed and removed. THEN found out I was pregnant. And I'm still pregnant. With actually the least issue I've ever had early pregnancy-wise. So it'll be ok. Oh, I also had 2 early babies... PROM, Bedrest, long nicu stays etc... and will be getting a cerclage this pregnancy. So if you want someone who understands to talk to... Feel free to pm me.

[scrappin-mama]

Try not to stress mama! Lots of women do things they 'shouldn't' before they know they're pregnant. On the x-ray thing, it takes LOTS of x-rays to actually cause any damage. I had to have abdominal x-rays during pregnancy because of kidney stones, and they showed me all the research. There was virtually no risk in 1 or 2 x-rays. HUGS!

[CherryBomb]

Stress, fear, anxiety, etc are normal for many women, even if you've planned and ttc! One xray is unlikely to cause trouble, same for one drink a day.