Grandparenting (and the 4yo)

[JordanKX]

This could be a blended family question, or if there's a Grandparent thread I'm missing. But I have some questions about what you do with grandparents, their opinions, their time with your kids.

Do you allow the Grandparents to do whatever they want? Do you expect them to adhere to your beliefs, schedule, discipline?

She feels like her purpose is to give him an escape from his parents. Quote. We've had this discussion numerous times. She doesn't feel it's her responsibility to discipline him or do anything but let him just be natural with her. (which sounds AWESOME in theory. But WE get a terrifying back end)

So she lets him run mad. She lives in the country, so he can run wild and chase and throw and bang and so much fun stuff. For endless hours.
She lets him graze for food, instead of meals.
She has no bedtime, just whenever he crashes. And then they crash together. And sleep together (which is awesome... I'd never deny that)
She lets him destroy her house.

Basically, it's Heaven for a 4yr old.

On our end, we will get him back at 9pm (past his normal bedtime), crazy tired and just CRAZY period, and not fed.

I used to agree with awesome-Grandma time. But now the transition back to Real Life is taking such a toll... it's not fun for us on the flip side.

[Alyantavid]

I expect that when my children are with their grandparents, they're fed, happy and safe. Beyond that, it's up to them.

However, we do have food allergies that they must follow. And both mil and my mom know how we raise our kids so they do tend to follow our lead. Neither boy spends much time with fil or my dad, so I do have to remind them of some safety and food rules.

Are there some things you can compromise on? Like food? I wouldn't mind the late bedtime and I've found that my kids are a little crazy whenever they've been with someone besides me or dh so I just take that as a given and let them transition back. So maybe insist that he be fed and let the rest go? Because honestly, it sounds like he's having a wonderful time at Grandma's and I believe every kid should have that place where he or she can just go wild.

[Areia]

In your situation, I would sit down for a nice chat with Mom and let her know that you need her to follow a bit more a schedule or whatever is most important to you while your son is visiting. If she continued to ignore your requests, I would honestly considering limiting overnight visits.

I know that my kid gets away with a lot more at my parents' house and as long as they stick to a few basics, that is generally fine with us. However, when things start impacting the routines at home, things have to change.

Bedtime was an issue at one point and it seemed harmless to them, but they don't have to deal with a cranky, uncooperative child while getting ready for work and during a 40 minute commute! I found it was helpful to remind my mom of her working days when she was trying to get the 3 of us up and out of the door. It's been a long time since she's had to deal with that and she tends to gloss over the hard parts of being a working parent.

[limabean]

I let my kids' grandparents do whatever they wish, but I'm fortunate in that their views mostly align with mine, so our styles are similar enough that there's no friction.

If their style was causing as much disruption as is happening in your house, we'd need to have a talk about how DS was being affected -- maybe if she understands that her way is actually causing DS some underlying distress, she'd be more inclined to agree to some limit-setting.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by JordanKX

On our end, we will get him back at 9pm (past his normal bedtime), crazy tired and just CRAZY period, and not fed.

I used to agree with awesome-Grandma time. But now the transition back to Real Life is taking such a toll... it's not fun for us on the flip side.

Have you told her this?

FWIW, I would try to change two things about what you mention. First I would talk to her about offering meals, maybe even pack a lunch-- I would hope that if you say that he seems hungry when he comes home, that might get her attention, and she would be willing to address it. Second, I would pick him up mid-afternoon, and not let the visit go so late.

[JordanKX]

We haven't said anything to her yet, just because I don't know whether I want to make an issue or not. Because it is her philosophy, and she definitely talks about the way she likes things to be at HER house, I know she'll take it personally. She is definitely the matriarch of the family ("having raised 5 children herself...." blah blah blah, that we hear ALL the time). So the smaller the battle, the better.

I want to first get things right in my brain... like some of you said, find more proactive things to do on OUR end: schedule shorter visits, pack foods, etc. This way we're asserting ourselves more, but not making it personal to her.

I think I'll try this route for a bit. And if it continues to be an issue, we'll have a discussion.

Thanks for your input!

[Red Pajama]

My boys are wired like crazy when they come back from grandma's house, too. But she parents much like me. I've come to realize that that's just what happens after they've been out to grandma's house. I think much of it in our situation is that they have so much more outdoor space there, that it takes awhile to "reset" their activity level to our suburban house and yard.

[Vojerleda]

No advice- just sympathy I am glad I'm not the only mother who has this same feeling.