Baby blues? Anxiety? Not loving baby?

[atpeace]

Hello, I need some input/advice/experience sharing regarding having a second child (currently almost two weeks old), dealing with baby blues, high irritability (me, not baby), and some anxiety (about scary/sad things that go on in the world, or dying, or cancer, or my kids being in pain), and not feeling bonded/loving towards baby. I feel like I'm going crazy and I HATE feeling so out-of-control since my daughter notices, and I'm sure the baby can sense it too. And I don't want to be a burden to DH, who has to try to cheer me up.

I don't think I'm depressed since it's only been a week and a half since DS's birth. Some days I'm totally fine, other times I'm just a mess for no good reason. Baby is generally easy-going, sleeps fine, I don't have a problem with being sleep deprived. The littlest things annoy me. I try to keep very busy with chores and getting out of the house since sitting around makes my mind wander to sad places.

I'm angry, saddened, very irritable, empty, and feeling very guilty. I don't want to hug or kiss the baby, or even look at him right now. He's a typical newborn, who cries when he needs something, but I have a lot of trouble figuring out what he needs. I nurse him whenever he cries, but often he fumbles, turns away, doesn't want to latch. I'm worried that he'll suffocate when he's in a carrier (like all those sling recalls lately). I feel horrible that I don't want to make eye contact with him because he'll see my resentment. I don't know how to entertain him and I think he's getting bored.

What is this, and why do I feel like this? And more importantly, how do I make it stop? What can I do to feel more attached and loving to the baby? I'm just crushed...

[wondermama]

Go easy on yourself, mama .

You are only a few weeks postpartum; even if you are sleeping well your hormones are still all over the place. What you are describing seems within the range of normal for such a new mama of two -- adding number two can be really overwhelming -- for some moms the bonding process just takes time. If it were me, I'd take it easy for the next several weeks and re-evaluate then. You may want to consider taking an Omega-3 fatty acid supplement -- there is some evidence that this can help with postpartum mood issues. If your mood takes a big dip, or the bonding doesn't start to develop, then get some help. Postpartum mood swings and slow bonding are not unusual -- it may help to read some other posts by mamas for whom the bonding process with a new babe took some time, and now they are very close and attached.

In the meantime, make sure you're eating well, resting enough, staying hydrated, and getting help with your older dc so you can have some quiet, one-on-one time with your new babe. Let yourself heal from the pregnancy and birth and let your hormones have a chance to even out; then see how it goes. And remind yourself that having a newborn and a 3-year-old is hard! Please be gentle with yourself.

[mlec]

You are not crazy or a bad person. Pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding place a high nutritional demand on our bodies that few people are adequately prepared to meet. Please consider buying or borrowing the book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. You really can use supplements and dietary changes to feel more stable, positive, and in control.

Also, about your lack of feelings for your baby consider that love is always a choice! Even if you don't *feel* loving toward your babe, you can still *be* loving! And I'm sure you already are! Don't worry...go ahead and make eye contact...a tiny baby can't read your mind. The little one primarily associates comfort with love so just care for him as carefully and as warmly as you possibly can muster, speak positively to yourself about your freedom to choose loving behavior, and then with some good supplements (like inositol) be confident your feelings will come around.

[maria22000]

There are some herbs that can help with this.
http://www.moondragon.org/obgyn/preg...epression.html

Keep talking about it, don't be ashamed of your feekings, many of them are prompted by a physiological change, a huge one. If things get worse, seek help. PSI and Baby Blues Connection offer counseling.

Hang in there and good luck!

[nmelanson]

atpeace, I feel for you. I have not experienced this post-partum, but I am expecting my second any time now and this feeling is a huge fear of mine. I am already feeling extremely irritable and moody... altogether overwhelmed and I am afraid that this will continue on after birth. I have felt very depressed the last few days. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my connection to DS and don't feel love for him anymore. Then I feel guilty and cry. Other times, I realize how much I love him and it's nearly as overwhelming a feeling as after he was born.

Our bodies are going through so much (mine hates me right now). I guess we just have to give it time and treat them well so that we can find balance again. So, even though I don't feel like it right now, I'm trying to stay eating healthily and on a strict vitamin regime - fish oil included!

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon!

PS - I have also heard that bonding can take time, especially with subsequent children.

[atpeace]

Thanks for all your replies, ladies. Your comments are such a comfort to me and I also appreciate your suggestions.

I've had a couple of bad moments in the past week (weepiness, irritability, etc), but overall, I think the baby blues are passing. I'm still struggling with not feeling as attached to this baby as my first, and the subsequent HUGE guilt, but I think that will pass as well. I have hope.

I'm going to look into the nutritional and vitamin info some of you suggested, since I do feel depleted and physically worn out, which I guess can impact emotional/mental health. Thanks again!

[Bebegim]

I too am going from 1 to 2 soon and Im already feeling less attached to this baby. I love my DD so much I could still just stare at her all day (shes 3 yrs old). Part of me is worried that DS will change our bond. I hope I will be able to easily attach to him. Im just not sure thus far. I feel like I really KNEW my daughter almost from conception and now with this little guy, I just feel like Im loaning my uterus to a stranger. Its terrible! The weird part, with DD, she was totally unplanned and my partner left me over my refusal to get an abortion. Her timing couldnt have been worse. But with this baby. Im married now and we really wanted to add more! Its bizarre to feel this apathetic about something I was so looking forward to pre-conception. I feel terribly even saying it. But its the truth.

Anyways, I hope you feel better asap and your bonding goes well! I guess kids are like any relationship, they take work! I may be stopping back by here in December to get some words of wisdom from you!

[atpeace]

Lauren, congrats!

Sorry to hear you are also struggling with this bonding thing. I hope things improve for you. I wonder if it's because you had relationship problems with DD's dad, that is why you were so attached to her...almost like her existence provided some hope for things in your life to get better. Either way, it's great that you're so attached to her.

I think you are right that relationships with kids, like with anyone else, may take time to develop, and love may take time to grow. For me, the last week has been much better, and I'm feeling much closer to DS. The transition is still not entirely easy overall, because I still struggle with guilt and not giving DD as much attention and I still get very frustrated when DS is fussy, but things are getting better! There's hope for you too! Once I got over my two week baby blues and I'm not so emotional or irritable anymore, and once DS has started to make eye contact and respond to my voice more, it's easier to connect with him. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow and develop each day. I'm sure you'll feel the same way once your little one is born.