husband vaccinated my 20 mo old - Page 3

[peainthepod]

I could never stay married to a man who did something so sneaky and dishonest. Never.

OP, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hurt and betrayed you feel. You and your son deserve so much better.

[saruchan]

OP, that is terrible! I would be so angry. I wouldn't divorce over it unless it were a symptom of a much bigger problem.

So 8 shots in one visit is normal?? That is insane!

[2boyzmama]

I've been thinking of this off and on all day, trying to formulate a response.

First of all, the health department is not at all at fault, AT ALL. Never has it been required for both parents to agree to anything medical. In most families, it is the stay at home mother that handles all things medical. Think about it, has the ped ever asked any of you if the father agreed to anything? Nope. What about the OB? Does the OB ask the father's opinion before administering an epidural? Nope.

Also, the health department was giving the child the normal vaccines at his age. It's a lot, and if he had been vaxed on schedule up to now, there would have been less (or they could have been spaced out a bit more).

As for the husband doing it behind OP's back...I don't know. I'm very torn on this. How many times do we as mothers do things that our husbands don't approve of? Or do we just not tell them about? Heck, I know a woman who breastfed her 2 year old "in the closet" because her husband disapproved of it past age 1. I know you guys will say that there's no comparison, as vaccines are at least potentially dangerous and breastfeeding is not. But the father in that case did think it was "wrong" to breastfeed. Is his opinion somehow less than the mother's? Often the stay at home moms make decisions for the whole family, including the family diet (since she does most of the shopping), the family schedule (since she is the one home to enforce it), rules about tv, rules about friends, decisions about schooling, etc. Now, I'd hope that in most cases, those decisions are at least somewhat a family decision, and the husband has some say in it, but most often the husband just takes a 'whatever you want, honey' stance.

Now in this case, with the OP specifically saying NO, and the husband doing it anyway, THAT speaks volumes for the state of the marriage. There evidently are little to no communication lines open, little to no respect for each other's opinions, and that goes BOTH WAYS. The husband had a true concern that he felt wasn't being addressed. Whether that is true or not doesn't matter, only that he felt he was being ignored, and had his son's well being at heart. I would be IRATE if I had a concern about my children that my husband wasn't listening to, and then yes, I would take matters into my own hands if necessary. In fact, I have done just that. I was very concerned with issues my middle son was having as an infant, and kept taking him to specialist after specialist. My husband, probably in denial, said I was making it all up. For a while I stopped taking our son to drs, then I couldnt' stand it anymore and I started scheduling new appts for him. I didn't tell my husband, I didn't go out of my way to hide it, but I wasn't exactly forthcoming either. Once the drs started uncovering problems, I started talking to my husband about it more. But I guess you could say that I did go behind his back to get my son medical treatment I thought he needed. It was a division in our marriage for a time, the whole situation was very stressful, having a baby sick with something unknown. Eventually we got a diagnosis, and after that stress was removed, we were able to work on reconnecting as a married couple and we now have a strong marriage.

NOW...that said. I am the product of divorce. Several divorces, in fact. Two of them ugly, including long drawn out custody battles, counseling, court-appointed psychological testing, etc etc etc. I will be the first to tell you that it's not ideal, but I'll also point out that I am a successful college-educated adult, in a very well-paying career, in a happy marriage, and am a happy person. DESPITE coming from a horribly "broken home". Divorce is not the evil it's made out to be. It does not have to equal horrible childhood or unsuccessful adult.

Also, you do not lose all rights to decisions if you divorce. In fact, the decision making for things like medical care can be written into the divorce settlement and custody arrangement, and if a parent goes against it, then that parent risks losing visitation. Decisions may become more complicated, but let's face it...they're complicated right now! You have no idea what else, if anything, your husband has done or will do.

If you and your husband can't come to an agreement on how you're going to make parenting decisions, then I think there are serious issues. If this is a chronic issue of him not respecting you as an individual, then there are already serious issues. I have too much self-respect to allow someone to disrespect me, if that makes any sense.

OP...I have no idea what I'd do in your shoes. I think I would first make sure that your son is okay, then I'd have MIL keep him while you and your husband take a LONG time to talk about a LOT of things. Not just this one issue, but EVERYTHING in your marriage that has ever been contentious. You can't go into this discussion thinking that you are right, though, you both have to go into this willing to openly listen to the other person and truly consider their thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Good luck. This is going to be a long process if you want to trust him again.

[ammiga]

How is this not a symptom of a larger problem? A huge problem?

Her dh knew that she was opposed to vaccinating, and rather than talk things through with her, he went behind her back, had their child vaccinated, lied about it, actively covered it up, and confided in other people about what he was doing. Regardless of where you stand on the vaccine issue, that behavior is despicable in a marriage. Especially on an issue that is completely irreversible.

OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I couldn't stay married to someone who treated me like that. And married or not, you are gong to have an impossible time protecting your children from him and his disregard for your parenting beliefs, he's already proven that. I would probably be seriously considering taking my kids to Brazil at this point. I could never trust my husband again, and my kids' health is too important to me to just let this slide or cross my fingers on.

[MamatoPeach]

I believe that homeopathic Thuja is suppose to help protect the body with vaccinations.

I would also do all I could do to keep the gut healthy. That is were the immune system lives. Healthy gut flora will help his body since the vaccines will probably screw with his bacterial flora.

I would be very angry. If this was the final thread in a rough relationship...divorce maybe. But if he was trying to do what he thought was best, I would forgive. And work on communication.

And thank god baby is doing OK after 8 shots. HOLY moly!

[APToddlerMama]

OP...I am so sorry this happened to you and your poor baby . That is truly awful. We are also not vaccinating and if my husband did that I would be furious, hurt, crushed, feel betrayed, and be so worried for my son. BUT...I just have to go against the majority response of "divorce him." As parents, we are always trying to make the very best decisions we can for our children. I am certain your husband made his choice based on what he felt was best for your child. It doesn't even come close to making it "right" but it also doesn't make him a total villian to have a difference of opinion on vaccines and try to protect his child in the way he feels necessary. Sometimes we make the right decisions as parents, and sometimes we make the wrong ones. I really think though that as long as a parent is really really genuinely trying to do what is best for a child, that is all that matters. It doesn't change that he went behind your back to do this, and certainly that is a huge problem, but you can also put yourself in his shoes and think about what you would do if you felt your child *really* needed something for their health and your spouse wasn't on board. I know if it were me and I felt strongly that some sort of intervention was going to keep my son healthy and safe, I would do it without my husband's permission. To me, my responsibilities are to my child's health and safety before any thing else. As a side note too...divorce isn't going to help solve any vaccine or other parenting issues. The last thing you want is the courts deciding if your child is vaccinated (which they will decide "yes, must vaccinate"), where the child spends their time (and in such a case as this, not being "mainstream" and taking your kiddo to the doctor/vaccines/etc could make the court consider him to be the more "fit" parent), what religion your child is raised, how he is schooled, etc. If you want to have the most say in those choices and deviate at all from mainstream American parenting, your best bet is to have open and honest communication with your husband (and he with you).

I really hope I don't sound like I'm saying what he didn't wasn't HORRIBLE, because it was, but I also see you having more choices in your parenting if you are partnering with each other, not divorcing. I hope your son continues to be well.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Now in this case, with the OP specifically saying NO, and the husband doing it anyway, THAT speaks volumes for the state of the marriage. There evidently are little to no communication lines open, little to no respect for each other's opinions, and that goes BOTH WAYS. The husband had a true concern that he felt wasn't being addressed. Whether that is true or not doesn't matter, only that he felt he was being ignored, and had his son's well being at heart. I would be IRATE if I had a concern about my children that my husband wasn't listening to, and then yes, I would take matters into my own hands if necessary.

This whole argument completely misses the point that the OP did discuss vaxing with her dh and gave him material to educate himself and he didn't even bother to read it. And yes, breast feeding is none of the mans business and doesn't even compare to this.

[mamadelbosque]

I would be absolutely livid. And seriously considering divorce - not only did he do it behind your back, but he didn't even tell you after the fact - you heard it from MIL!!! So you didn't even know to be LOOKING for vax reactions when your dc was having them. Because you knew nothing. Thats awful. Absolutely awful.

[maizy]

Thanks for your words. I have spent the whole day reading through this and trying to process. I did go talk with the director at the health dept. It is "normal" to "catch up a child" on vaccinations and to do so without mothers consent.

No, I don't plan to divorce over this but we are headed for counseling. I would never divorce over one issue or without trying to work on hings. Yes, there are huge communication issues. Yes, I feel marginalized. Yes, you are only hearing my side of the story. I'm not perfect and perhaps I have fault in my marriage but NOT in this. I told him to read up, he did not. I told him NOT to vaccinate my child and he did. Then he tried to keep it a secret. I wish he'd have cheated on me because at least that is between us. This involves our baby and is terrible.

I've spent the day sobbing and going through every possible scenario. I've been to the health food store and picked up liquid c and a vitamins. Baby is still clingy, with slight fever and nursing.

[DocJenn]

I am appalled at the pediatrician! 8 shots??? I don't care if a kid is that behind on imms comes into my office and the parents want him caught up.....ya don't do it all at once and you do put the child on a detox before the imms. 8 shots? That is cruel and unusual punishment!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I'd be more upset to hear that the father drank a six pack and then tossed his son unbuckled into the front seat of the car while they drove to the market to get some vodka.
.

This is a logical fallacy.

It's a straw-man argument--trying to divert attention from the original point.

[chaoticzenmom]

I think I'd call MIL and husband and tell them that since they caused this vax reaction, they can come over and care for your child. Seriously, I can't believe your MIL and husband thought this was ok. They both knew your stance and showed such disrespect for you, as your child's mother.

Maybe your husband will realize how weak he is when faced with these decisions and won't do this again. I agree with some of the others, I'd just tell him that the baby was vaccinated in the future. Consider it a lie to save your marriage

What's your relationship with your MIL? Did your husband feel bad about this at all? Does he plan to continue these vaccines? Did MIL go to the dr. with your husband?

I don't think I'd leave the baby alone with either of them again. Baby and me would be attached at the hip.

[JessicaS]

I would have been upset.

Vaccine issue aside I wouldn't be ok with the sneaking and lying.

I am so sorry. Of course we are only getting one side but I wouldn't be ok with being lied to. I was annoyed when my dh went and bought a computer behind my back ("it was on sale" ) I cannot imagine how mad I would be if my dh consented to a medical treatment without my knowledge and then lied to me.

What if you decided to get them vaccinated and they got a double dose? You NEED to know this sort of thing, lying about medical care is very irresponsible.

[ThisCat]

Originally Posted by 13Sandals

your list isn't 8 diseases in single shot form...its eight shots containing 12 diseases.

By single shot form I meant single vaccine not single disease. I don't even know if you can get things like MMR broken down into single disease shots anymore.

Anyway, since there are combo vaxes out there now like pediarix (polio, DTaP, Hep B) which further combine vaccines. I was surprised to see anyone still giving all individual shots especially all at once. I could see doing them separately if they were being spread out.

Originally Posted by 13Sandals

and ANY health care provider following the schedule would do this. Your list up there is the EXACT list of shots recommended for the 15month visit even if they are not catching up!
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/recs/sch...chedule-pr.pdf

I don't believe that's accurate. If you look closer at the CDC page you linked, all those shots have a range at which they can be given including the 15 month visit. That doesn't mean it's standard practice to give them all at that visit. They were given to the OPs son all at once in order to catch up.

I vaccinated my first child pretty much on schedule and she got MMR, varicella, and Hib at her 12 month, DTaP and Polio at her 15 month, and pneumococcal and Heb B at her 18 month. While the ped left it up to us, he didn't recommend the Hep A vax, so we skipped it.

[SuburbanHippie]

OP, did your H come clean on whether or not the ped pushed him to have your child "caught up"? I skimmed, but didn't see the answer to this.

I hope you two can resolve your differences and you can begin to heal from his deep betrayal. I don't know if I could. Best of luck to you!

[VillageMom6]

Originally Posted by A&A

This is a logical fallacy.

It's a straw-man argument--trying to divert attention from the original point.

No, it's not. It illustrates the difference between a true, dangerous disregard for a child's well being and a difference in opinion when it comes to medical care.

One is inexcusable. The other is understandable.

I'm not saying that it's understandable that the husband got his child vaccinated behind the mother's back. That is a major issue but it is separate from the medical issue.

[JessicaS]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

No, it's not. It illustrates the difference between a true, dangerous disregard for a child's well being and a difference in opinion when it comes to medical care.

One is inexcusable. The other is understandable.

I'm not saying that it's understandable that the husband got his child vaccinated behind the mother's back. That is a major issue but it is separate from the medical issue.

I think this is taking the thread off topic by debating the dangers rather than the OP's situation. The OP did not state she felt it was as dangerous as driving intoxicated while the baby was unrestrained. She used the word "compromise" What you are stating is not the OP's argument. I believe that is what Ard meant by "straw man"

I think we should stick to the OP's situation rather than trying to debate the vax issue itself.

[confustication]

I would be livid. I would be very upset about the sneakiness- the vaccinations are obviously a huge issue as well, but there is so much pressure and so much loud misinformation about the risks of choosing not to vaccinate that I can see how people are swayed to vaccinate, and I can understand that he thought he was doing what was best. If it had really been all about that, he would have been honest about it.

Instead, it was about his asserting power over the family, marginalizing his partner, and treating his child as a pawn in a powerplay- the chess analogy was fitting indeed.

The fact that MIL knew, and his wife did not, and that- in fact he deliberately HID this from her is huge, dangerous, and unforgivable. The sneakiness would be the start of at least a separation for me. The vaccinations- I would have disagreed, but had he been upfront and said, "I feel this is best and as his parent I have decided that this will happen," I would have said no, but that's just a stalemate, and I would have been upset, but not at the point of ending a marriage over it. The lies and sneaking would be enough for me to feel that the potential for the marriage to continue was minute... and he would have to agree to a LOT of work for me not to walk away.

[amnesiac]

OP - you might find it helpful to check out the threads in our archives about dealing with a partner who might not agree with your vax stance:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=935026
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=933120
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=662750

As far as who can consent in Texas, it's pretty broad. See Subchapter B:
http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.u.../htm/FA.32.htm

Originally Posted by DocJenn

I am appalled at the pediatrician! 8 shots??? I don't care if a kid is that behind on imms comes into my office and the parents want him caught up.....ya don't do it all at once and you do put the child on a detox before the imms. 8 shots? That is cruel and unusual punishment!

Firstly, 8 stamps on a card doesn't necessarily mean 8 injections. At a health department in Texas he did probably get 6 injections. You'd probably get Pentacel, hep B, PCV13, hep A, MMR & Varicella.

They use VFC vaccine which means there is not an option to give some & not others. When Texas health departments are giving VFC vaccine they are required by the state to administer all of the routine vaccines that can be given on that day - failure to do so is considered a missed opportunity & they will get in trouble at their annual site review.

[yarngoddess]

I would be just sick. How were you supposed to look for reactions if you didn't know baby had been vaccinated!!! Ugh. The Lying. The Sneaking. The cover up/hiding of this makes him look Super Guilty. He knew darn well how you felt about this issue, and he basically said "I don't care" with his actions! I think some serious intervention needs to happen in this marriage!

I don't think I would leave DS (if this was my situation) alone with DH or his mother again. Not until my trust had been repaired! How difficult, and it's very discusting that your baby was brought in the middle of the whole marital issues! I think that I would write a letter addressed to the Ped's office stating that from now on, BOTH parents need to sign consent forms. They may not aknowledge it, but at least they are aware that the parents are "at odds" concerning medical issues. That's what my friend had to do before his divorce- his wife wanted a spinal tap, there was nothing wrong with the little girl other than an ear infection The doc's office aggred to honor this request, and it later became part of their divorce agreement.

I hope you both get in to counseling soon. I also hope you have a safe baby sitter- not MIL that can keep DS while you work on your marriage, so you won't worry about him. Sending you Peace and Healing vibes. Hang in there!