So overwhelmed!

[MommaLura]

I feel like I'm having a meltdown. It's somewhere between my 2.5 talking non-stop, me desperately needing a break, being pregnant and feeling like dh doesn't give a crap.

Dh works about 55 hours a week, and I appreciate that and realize he needs time to relax. But he seems to forget that my job never ends. He's got this attitude that he has a right to be on his computer playing games from the minute he comes home till whenever he gets too tired. He may play with ds for 15 minutes then just wants to read him sleep. He proceeds to get mad when ds isn't tired and just wants to play. It creates a very stressful environment. He also has been going to the movies, this Saturday he's going to a blacksmith workshop and on the weekends he sleeps in and takes naps. Somehow I get left to deal on my own. I know I'm a stay at home parent and that I should be pulling most of the weight around the house, but he doesn't do crap except make a mess for me to clean up. I feel like I'm not important and I *need* a break! Is this wrong to need time for me? I was staying up at night after ds went to bed to try a get a little break, but I was getting too tired and getting stomach aches, so its off to bed for me as soon as I clean up the house.

How do you all make it?? Am I unreasonable? Thanks for letting me vent. And sorry if this reads weird, seriously ds won't stop talking, usually repeating himself a thousand times and I can't think!

[nola79]

Originally Posted by MommaLura

I feel like I'm having a meltdown. It's somewhere between my 2.5 talking non-stop, me desperately needing a break, being pregnant and feeling like dh doesn't give a crap.

Dh works about 55 hours a week, and I appreciate that and realize he needs time to relax. But he seems to forget that my job never ends. He's got this attitude that he has a right to be on his computer playing games from the minute he comes home till whenever he gets too tired. He may play with ds for 15 minutes then just wants to read him sleep. He proceeds to get mad when ds isn't tired and just wants to play. It creates a very stressful environment. He also has been going to the movies, this Saturday he's going to a blacksmith workshop and on the weekends he sleeps in and takes naps. Somehow I get left to deal on my own. I know I'm a stay at home parent and that I should be pulling most of the weight around the house, but he doesn't do crap except make a mess for me to clean up. I feel like I'm not important and I *need* a break! Is this wrong to need time for me? I was staying up at night after ds went to bed to try a get a little break, but I was getting too tired and getting stomach aches, so its off to bed for me as soon as I clean up the house.

How do you all make it?? Am I unreasonable? Thanks for letting me vent. And sorry if this reads weird, seriously ds won't stop talking, usually repeating himself a thousand times and I can't think!

What?? No way are you being unreasonable. I think you need a break. Maybe a spa day? (if that's what you're into) I can't imagine being pregnant, taking care of a 2.5 year old, and doing all the housework! I, personally, would to nuts.
Is there any way you could get some help, just for a little while, like a mother's helper to give you a break, or someone to help clean, even if it's just once?

[Violet2]

We deal a bit with this dynamic too (but DH does a lot of work around the house and is more involved parent-wise,still, even then, I don't get much of a break).

This motherhood gig is neverending. I'm still sorting out how to get true 'me' time myself.

We are so busy ,it's easy for me to come last.

I am so grateful for my mother's helpers. They come 2x a week for 3 hours at a time. They also let DD play across the street when they watch those kids (which are around the same age as DD).

I am looking forward to preschool.

So I guess, I'm saying, I get my 'breaks' from sources other than DH. If you have any older kids around, even if they are on the young side--just having an older playmate around can be sooooo helpful as long as the personalities mesh.

Other than that, I'm trying to make plans and leave DH with DD more often, but I am kind of a homebody.

V

[MommaLura]

Thanks, mamas! it makes me feel a little better I'll see if I can find some kind of mother's helper, but I'm not sure that's going to be possible. I know we can't afford a babysitter or anything. Good ideas though and I could see how all of that could be SO helpful.

[pearl2]

You need to grab him by the you know wheres and have a Little Chat. After you do that, grab your keys and take off when he comes home, and don't come home until way after bedtime. No, it's not harsh--he needs a wake up call, and sometimes words just aren't good enough!

[MovnMama]

Originally Posted by pearl2

You need to grab him by the you know wheres and have a Little Chat. After you do that, grab your keys and take off when he comes home, and don't come home until way after bedtime. No, it's not harsh--he needs a wake up call, and sometimes words just aren't good enough!

Yeah, that. If you can't afford a sitter, how can he afford to go to the movies? By himself? And attend workshops? It sounds like decisions are not a team effort here. You both are working on opposite sides of the fence. He needs to get back in your court. (Too many sports metaphors, I know...)

He doesn't have to watch the kids when you need a break, but BOTH parties need to make sacrifices when it comes to the sanity of the other. This is called compromise. He can cut his extra expenses so you can have a mothers helper.

I support you... I had difficult discussions like this one when my LO was two. We were honest and open and it worked. Use phrases like, "When [insert situation] is happening, I feel [insert emotion]." This keeps it objective and not personally attacking. Like "When I have to do the dishes and keep DS occupied with coloring at the same time, I feel overwhelmed." (I would say that I feel like a single parent, but that's just me.)

Hope this helps.

[MissLotus]

So how has his life changed since becoming a parent? Presumably he was working full-time before, anyway. He should expect his home duties to change, as well. A LOT.

You work 24/7 and you need time to relax, too. Aren't you as important as your husband?

[momasana]

I agree that you should talk with DH and let him know what kind of help you need from him. My DH responds best if I tell him specifically what I want him to do to help me (ie after dinner play with DS for 30 mins, keep the computer desk clean, etc.)

I've also found it helpful to make sure I am being taken care of during the day when DH is away. I cannot afford a mother's helper, but I try to make sure that we are meeting with other SAHM and kids a couple of times a week so I can get some adult conversation and DS can play with other children. Also, planning activities that will wear DS out (swimming, running outside, being active) helps ensure that he will take a nice long nap during the day so I can get a little time for myself.

I also think it is important to schedule some time for yourself outside of the home. If your DH goes to the movies, then you should get to go too. 2 hours of alone time (or time with your girlfriends) is not unreasonable and will make the rest of the week seem so much easier. You don't need to ask DH for this time, just let him know your schedule "Before your movie on Saturday, I am going to meet Sue for coffee. I'll make sure I'm home an hour before you need to leave so you will have time to get ready"

[rightkindofme]

I have a two year old, I'm 8 months pregnant, and my husband doesn't work much less than your husband.

You are getting a raw deal.

My husband makes breakfast and dinner most days because making food is a horrible experience while I'm pregnant. He comes home from work and makes dinner while playing with our daughter. He does bed time 6/7 nights. On the weekend he does at least 3-5 hours of chores to help me catch up with stuff I don't get done during the week.

I don't get a lot of time completely off, but neither does he. We are both very intensely involved with our family.

I'd be having a serious chat with my partner in your shoes. Being a martyr isn't good for anyone.