I want to HAVE friends, but not MAKE friends

[Inquiringmind]

Any words of wisdom, support, etc for an introverted/shy/socially anxious person who wants to have friends?
So, here’s the deal. I want to HAVE friends, but I don’t want to MAKE friends. I’m very introverted and shy around people I don’t know. Although, the people I do know probably wouldn’t describe me as shy since I’m much more open/talkative once I get to know people. I’ve recently been thinking I also probably have some social anxiety going on as well. As a result of these other factors, I think I have a difficult time with social skills and appearing friendly & approachable in new situations. I have a difficult time with small talk and often don’t know what to say to people I don’t know. It’s just really awkward all around.
Since having a baby 4 months ago, I’m really feeling the lack of social support. I’ve tried going to a couple of events, but it’s difficult for me to go (because of the anxiety) and then since I don’t know anyone there, I don’t really say much to people, so obviously they don’t get to know me any better and I don’t get to know them any better. In addition, I don’t really feel like I fit in with people in general, so I guess I’m afraid they won’t like me (that sounds really silly typing it out, but I guess it’s how I feel).
My partner is also very introverted. We’ve pretty much been each other’s social interaction (outside of work) for 10+ years, but I’m feeling like it’s not enough now that I have a child. However, he doesn’t feel the same need for additional social support as I do. Also, I don’t want our son to grow up not knowing how to relate socially either, so on some level I feel like I need to be a good model.
I don’t know what exactly I hope to get out of posting, but I feel like I’m getting to the point where I need to do something different, but I’m not sure how to go about it.

[journeymom]

This really common for new moms, even 'extroverts'. Having a baby is isolating, it just is.

No, the fear you describe isn't silly, it's completely normal.

Frankly, I had problems making friends starting after high school. Public schooling seemed to make striking up friendships easy. Well, school is an exceptional situation.

I'm not being very helpful, am I??

I had some luck at church, when I was still going. I joined a MOMS club, Moms Offering Moms Support, when ds was little. We met at least weekly, if not more often. I didn't feel especially close to these ladies, but it was still fun and engaging.

I finally made some good friends when dd started school. Some of dd's friends' moms are wonderful ladies.

[Annie Mac]

I hear you! You do just have to force yourself to get out there.

One thing I've found helpful in my life is to join groups with a purpose. A mom's group is just too vague, and people will have already linked up in little groups that can be hard to break into. But something with a stated agenda, like a book club or a class or something like that. It gives you all something to talk about and, presumably, a shared interest.

[Vaske]

Most of my post-baby social interaction has been at church. Even there it is hard, because we always get there late and only have a few brief chats after the service. But when we were in a Bible study with some other couples, we were able to have some better conversations and some budding friendships. Are there any groups nearby that relate to your interests? Not just a big meeting, but something where there is time for little groups to spin off into conversation afterward.

I also made a good friend when I was in group counseling for my social anxiety! (One of the rules of the group was that the participants had to go out and do something fun after the session.) I learned that I actually had a lot more social skills than I thought I did.

I find it easier to appear friendly when I'm working with people toward a common goal. The focus stays mostly on the work, and that drains off some of the anxiety. Hard to work on anything though, with a baby (and even more when you have an active toddler to chase around).

[Storm Bride]

OP

DH and I are both in the "want to have friends, but not make friends" camp. Through our local homelearning community, I'm starting to make a couple of friends - I think - but it's been a long, hard slog. I totally lack any grasp of how one goes from acquaintance, to casual friend, to...friend friend. I haven't done it since school!

So...no advice, but lots of sympathy.

[Lady Mayapple]

I'm an extrovert and still have trouble making friends. I've tried moms groups, LLL, and other things in the past but just didn't feel like I had anything in common with these women. Most if not all of them were dedicated SAHM's who had strict, religious households. That's great for them, I have friends of all different faiths-but that's not our household and I am not a strictly SAHM and I never really felt accepted by them.

Another thing is finding the time for friendships. One friend of mine has a very large family and just doesn't have the time to get together. I'm actually annoyed with her at the moment because we planned on a get together for both of our families and she was a no-show with no phone call or anything I guess I just let it go because I know how busy she is.

I'm probably too picky about who my friends are. I still have friends from high school I talk to, and some friends at work, but overall I tend to be a "people suck, why bother?" kind of person

[Happiestever]

Lady Mayapple- your siggy is awesome!

I don't know what it is about friendships that make it so hard as an adult. Are friendships like wine all of a sudden where you prefer a vintage pinot noir, or are they easy accessible like a pack a candy? But still lacking in it's commercial packaging. Maybe we are all looking for something like this but some people don't want to work for it. Enter the I want friends, but don't want to make friends. I think we all need a eharmony website for friends, and not lovers.

Wouldn't that make things easier? Do you think I could create something like this and turn a profit? LOL

I know it's hard to put yourself out there. Believe me I am trying as we speak to make friends. It is almost hilarious in how hard it is. Somedays I think I am better off with just my own family. I hate going by someone else's schedule. I go where the wind takes me, and the wind waits for no one! Maybe only after looking through this viewpoint will people naturally gravitate towards you. I believe confidence inspires. So be confident and perhaps friends will be drawn to you. Sorry about rambling post, but I am neck deep in friendship issues. SO I get it, completely!

[InMediasRes]

I'm with you, OP. We moved to a new area 6mo after I had my second baby, and now I have to make new friends all over again. I feel like the sad little girl sitting out on the playground waiting for someone to come talk to me. I'm kinda introverted as well, and also have some anxiety about social situations.

I agree with PP, it's easier to join a group that has some sort of purpose than just to make friends at random. I've had pretty good luck with La Leche League. Most of the women there are like-minded, some have kids my kids' ages, and I don't have to talk if I don't want to because the meeting will function just fine without me. The fact that the meetings have some sort of topic means that there really is no small talk to make. My DS is older, but we also had a lot of fun doing a music class. I felt like he and I (and my 1yo) all got something out of it even if I didn't make any friends, and I did get to talk to other adults too. What about a local BW group or something? Sometimes you can find flyers for book clubs and such at local coffee shops.

And all those things are scary at first, but I really had to just talk myself through it and say "If I want to have friends, I have to go do something about it!"

DH and I have often lamented about how finding friends is like dating. There's so much trying to arrange schedules, feeling out personalities, desperately trying to click with someone, and then giving up and moving on to the next person. I hate "friend dating" just as much as regular dating. I wish I could just walk up to someone on the playground and say "Hey, wanna be my friend?"

[Three~Little~Birds]

Oh, I have a similar personality as you and can completely relate.
Some things that have helped me make friends are:
-joining a few groups of thing that I wanted to do anyway. For example, I really wanted to get back into shape after dd1, so I joined a baby and mom yoga group and went to some baby and mom walking groups. It took a while, but in each cast someone else started suggesting that we go for a coffee after. We turned those groups into playgroups that met at eachother's homes or the park once the sessions ended.
-recognize that it takes a lot of time to form friendships; even moreso when conversations are fragmented and interrupted with babies in tow; and even moreso when there are multiple people trying to get to know each other.
- fake it until you make it! Just 'pretend' to be more outgoing than you are - it worked for me, a bit.
I am not comfortable in group scenarios, but I forced myself to do it. Now, 8 years later, I can truly say that I have formed some wonderful friendships, and some wonderful playmates for my children.
Finally - NOW is the time to do do it. Once you have two or more children in tow, it is next to impossible to join such groups as they are not condusive to toddlers and preschoolers.
Good Luck

[Inquiringmind]

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I've read all of your message and it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone.
I did try to go to another social event this weekend. I introduced myself to someone, and someone I didn't know introduced herself me to, so I consider that moderately successful. I do worry that if I go to something like LLL or something else that only meets once a month, that it'll take FOREVER to get to know people. But, I guess that's better than nothing!

Originally Posted by journeymom

I'm not being very helpful, am I??

Journeymom, that was actually very helpful. It sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from.

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

One thing I've found helpful in my life is to join groups with a purpose.

This is what I'm trying to do, but I still feel like everyone already knows everyone else, so I feel out of place. I'm sure it's more my social anxieties coming out though. So far, no one's been unfriendly to me.

Originally Posted by Vaske

Most of my post-baby social interaction has been at church. Even there it is hard, because we always get there late and only have a few brief chats after the service.

Church is how I see my parents and entire family of origin have social relationships. Unfortunately, I'm agnostic, so it doesn't really work for me. I've tried attending our local UU church a few times. It's fine, but I get kind of bored during the sermon, and I mostly just duck out at the end of the service as quickly as I can so I don't have to talk to people. It's pretty easy to go unnoticed since it's a large congregation......not a great way to try to make friends is it?
I also joined a musical group in an effort to get to know people. I've been doing that for over a year, but still don't know anyone very well since pretty much the whole time is spent focused on the task at hand.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I totally lack any grasp of how one goes from acquaintance, to casual friend, to...friend friend. I haven't done it since school!

So...no advice, but lots of sympathy.

I know! I don't expect friendships to happen overnight, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how I can have enough contact with like-minded people to open up to them so they can get to know me and I can get to know them.

Originally Posted by Lady Mayapple

I tend to be a "people suck, why bother?" kind of person

I can understand the sentiment. I think I sometimes expect to much of people. But, we're only human after all!

Originally Posted by Happiestever

I think we all need a eharmony website for friends, and not lovers.

Wouldn't that make things easier? Do you think I could create something like this and turn a profit? LOL

I love this idea! First, it would take out the guesswork of finding at least potentially compatible people. Secondly, it's a lot easier to be rejected by a computer screen than in person.

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

And all those things are scary at first, but I really had to just talk myself through it and say "If I want to have friends, I have to go do something about it!"

This inspired me to put myself in the social situation this past weekend. Thanks!

Originally Posted by Three~Little~Birds

- fake it until you make it! Just 'pretend' to be more outgoing than you are - it worked for me, a bit.

You're probably right. People are attracted to people who appear confident.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement!