I definitely love my 11-y-o step-son (who lives with us), but in all honesty he can be a 1st-class B.S. artist and he frustrates me. His mother, who wholeheartedly enables him, frustrates me even more. And my husband and I don't always agree on how to handle the problem, which also frustrates me.
DSS is very bright, borderline gifted. In early grade school (before he lived with us), he caught the bug that sometimes infects smart kids in unchallenging classrooms: he was bored in school and discovered he could put no effort into things (or not do them at all and muddle through with, "I left it in my Mom's car!" and then "Gosh, Mom! I don't know what happened! I turned it in! I guess my teacher misplaced it.")... and yet he was still praised and recognized for being so smart and hard-working and such a good student.
Then, when he came to live with us (and started attending better schools), he was placed in a gifted class in error, as a result of some drama where his mother had falsely claimed he'd been i.d.'d as "gifted" (thinking that would make her look like the better parent in court) and she also created roadblocks to the timely transfer of his records to his new school. For about the first year, he kept up so well that even when the school figured out he hadn't quite tested high enough to be in the class, they let him stay there. But the problem with resting on your laurels in classes with kids who struggle more than you do, to learn is that when you find yourself in a class full of kids who are all as smart as you are (or in some cases smarter), you're not used to having to work for your grades.
So his performance tapered off and he was moved to a "regular" class for 5th grade, where he continued to "half-a**" things whenever he thought he could get away with it. He loves to read, he does so quite voluntarily, we even read as a family. But, by God if he could come up with a story to convince his Dad and me that his teacher had let them off the hook for Reading Logs this week, he'd do it. Evidently, he could suffer through that uncomfortable moment in class when everyone handed in their logs and he didn't have one. And it might be weeks before we'd find out and he'd have to listen to his Dad marvel over how someone who reads on an 11th-grade level could possibly get a B- or C in 5th grade Reading!
My preferred approach (after the 1st time) was to make him do Reading Log every week, unless he got a note from his teacher affirming that they had a week off. Sometimes my husband agreed with me, but it is really hard for him to ever admit to himself that his son lies. Or, at least, it's really hard for him to look his son in the eyes and say, "I don't believe you,". So after a while, if his son looked us in the eyes and swore vociferously, "My teacher is out with appendicitis and doesn't trust the sub to grade Reading Logs, so we don't have to do them all week and I couldn't get a note from my teacher about it because they had to rush him to the hospital the minute I asked for one..." my husband would let it go with, "OK. But I'm going to email your teacher, to check. Are you sure you don't want to change your story before I do that?" My step-son never changes his story. And unfortunately his teacher was pretty crummy about responding to communication from parents.
And that kind of thing just drives me crazy, because it reinforces for my step-son that he's smart enough to manipulate us... when in reality, he's just manipulative enough to take advantage of the fact that my husband wants so badly to believe him. There are huge issues with the ex-wife (DSS' mom) lying and her problems are so distasteful to my husband that of course he doesn't want to think he may have the same type of problems with DSS. Moreover, it doesn't teach DSS to just buckle down and do the little assignments he's supposed to do, which don't really require more effort than the lying takes!
Anyway, due to his lackluster grades, he did not get into the Honors classes in the public middle school next year. And my older sons (who are on the opposite spectrum, academically) are in the "regular" classes there. My husband and I both think DSS would just get distracted and lost there, socially, academically and motivationally. So, we got him into arguably the best Catholic school in the city, starting this fall. It's our parish school, so he already plays sports and has friends there. It should be more challenging than the public middle school, but not quite as demanding as the "Gifted" or International Baccalaureate programs at the public school. Plus, the classes are very small and the teachers are all expected to be very responsive to and communicative with the parents. We hope it will be just the right place for him.
But now he's right in the middle of his 2-month summer visit with his Mom (across the country). She has been saying things to him about how hard his new school will be, how onerous it will be to have to wear uniforms, and what a big "waste of money" it is, since he was first accepted.
He's required to read 3 books over the summer from a specific list and do a detailed outline of each one, to turn in on the 1st day of school. We only get a couple weeks with him in the beginning of the summer, but we made sure he got most of the way through the 1st book. We had him read a bit every day and sat down and talked with him for a few minutes afterward, to make sure he was doing it and not just giving the appearance of reading. We helped him make a template on his laptop for the outline, based on the school's requirements and had him fill in what he could, after each day's reading, so he wouldn't have to do the whole, long outline at one time when he finished the book. We got to the point that he really had a good pace going and had stopped complaining about having to do it and really liked the book. We sent his laptop and all the books with him, to his Mom's. My husband emailed her the requirements.
While he's with his Mom, he's not permitted to speak to any of us except his Dad. My husband asks him periodically about his reading and just gets, "Yeah, Dad. I'm doing it!" The other day, he added, "I'm almost finished with the first book!"
He was almost finished with the 1st book when he left! He only has a month left with his Mom, then a single measly week with us before school starts. I've put off taking my older kids to Six Flags so we can go when DSS is with us. He also has friends he'll want to get together with, whom he hasn't seen in 2 months. And, the way things are going, he'll have 2 months worth of reading to cram into that week!!!!!
My husband emailed his ex about it and just got the usual spin-doctoring. My husband is "so controlling", trying to tell them what to do! DSS is so hard-working, organized, and such a conscientious student! Instead of nagging him about his reading, DH should be praising him for "all his accomplishments" and recognizing his need for "well-deserved relaxation" and the "lazy days of summer".
Yeah - DH and I get to seem like slave-drivers when DSS gets home, because all his days with his Mom get to be so "lazy" that he can't even spend a half-hour reading (which he LIKES to do!!!!!!) and taking some notes! He must do it ALL when he's with us!
Since when does "unconditional love" mean "unconditional praise"? I love my step-son even though I recognize his deficiencies as a student - and his tendency to tell self-serving fibs. Is it more loving to pretend you don't see those things and let him keep shooting himself in the foot?
So. Frustrated. What a great start to the school year this will be.
DSS is very bright, borderline gifted. In early grade school (before he lived with us), he caught the bug that sometimes infects smart kids in unchallenging classrooms: he was bored in school and discovered he could put no effort into things (or not do them at all and muddle through with, "I left it in my Mom's car!" and then "Gosh, Mom! I don't know what happened! I turned it in! I guess my teacher misplaced it.")... and yet he was still praised and recognized for being so smart and hard-working and such a good student.
Then, when he came to live with us (and started attending better schools), he was placed in a gifted class in error, as a result of some drama where his mother had falsely claimed he'd been i.d.'d as "gifted" (thinking that would make her look like the better parent in court) and she also created roadblocks to the timely transfer of his records to his new school. For about the first year, he kept up so well that even when the school figured out he hadn't quite tested high enough to be in the class, they let him stay there. But the problem with resting on your laurels in classes with kids who struggle more than you do, to learn is that when you find yourself in a class full of kids who are all as smart as you are (or in some cases smarter), you're not used to having to work for your grades.
So his performance tapered off and he was moved to a "regular" class for 5th grade, where he continued to "half-a**" things whenever he thought he could get away with it. He loves to read, he does so quite voluntarily, we even read as a family. But, by God if he could come up with a story to convince his Dad and me that his teacher had let them off the hook for Reading Logs this week, he'd do it. Evidently, he could suffer through that uncomfortable moment in class when everyone handed in their logs and he didn't have one. And it might be weeks before we'd find out and he'd have to listen to his Dad marvel over how someone who reads on an 11th-grade level could possibly get a B- or C in 5th grade Reading!
My preferred approach (after the 1st time) was to make him do Reading Log every week, unless he got a note from his teacher affirming that they had a week off. Sometimes my husband agreed with me, but it is really hard for him to ever admit to himself that his son lies. Or, at least, it's really hard for him to look his son in the eyes and say, "I don't believe you,". So after a while, if his son looked us in the eyes and swore vociferously, "My teacher is out with appendicitis and doesn't trust the sub to grade Reading Logs, so we don't have to do them all week and I couldn't get a note from my teacher about it because they had to rush him to the hospital the minute I asked for one..." my husband would let it go with, "OK. But I'm going to email your teacher, to check. Are you sure you don't want to change your story before I do that?" My step-son never changes his story. And unfortunately his teacher was pretty crummy about responding to communication from parents.
And that kind of thing just drives me crazy, because it reinforces for my step-son that he's smart enough to manipulate us... when in reality, he's just manipulative enough to take advantage of the fact that my husband wants so badly to believe him. There are huge issues with the ex-wife (DSS' mom) lying and her problems are so distasteful to my husband that of course he doesn't want to think he may have the same type of problems with DSS. Moreover, it doesn't teach DSS to just buckle down and do the little assignments he's supposed to do, which don't really require more effort than the lying takes!
Anyway, due to his lackluster grades, he did not get into the Honors classes in the public middle school next year. And my older sons (who are on the opposite spectrum, academically) are in the "regular" classes there. My husband and I both think DSS would just get distracted and lost there, socially, academically and motivationally. So, we got him into arguably the best Catholic school in the city, starting this fall. It's our parish school, so he already plays sports and has friends there. It should be more challenging than the public middle school, but not quite as demanding as the "Gifted" or International Baccalaureate programs at the public school. Plus, the classes are very small and the teachers are all expected to be very responsive to and communicative with the parents. We hope it will be just the right place for him.
But now he's right in the middle of his 2-month summer visit with his Mom (across the country). She has been saying things to him about how hard his new school will be, how onerous it will be to have to wear uniforms, and what a big "waste of money" it is, since he was first accepted.
He's required to read 3 books over the summer from a specific list and do a detailed outline of each one, to turn in on the 1st day of school. We only get a couple weeks with him in the beginning of the summer, but we made sure he got most of the way through the 1st book. We had him read a bit every day and sat down and talked with him for a few minutes afterward, to make sure he was doing it and not just giving the appearance of reading. We helped him make a template on his laptop for the outline, based on the school's requirements and had him fill in what he could, after each day's reading, so he wouldn't have to do the whole, long outline at one time when he finished the book. We got to the point that he really had a good pace going and had stopped complaining about having to do it and really liked the book. We sent his laptop and all the books with him, to his Mom's. My husband emailed her the requirements.
While he's with his Mom, he's not permitted to speak to any of us except his Dad. My husband asks him periodically about his reading and just gets, "Yeah, Dad. I'm doing it!" The other day, he added, "I'm almost finished with the first book!"
He was almost finished with the 1st book when he left! He only has a month left with his Mom, then a single measly week with us before school starts. I've put off taking my older kids to Six Flags so we can go when DSS is with us. He also has friends he'll want to get together with, whom he hasn't seen in 2 months. And, the way things are going, he'll have 2 months worth of reading to cram into that week!!!!!
My husband emailed his ex about it and just got the usual spin-doctoring. My husband is "so controlling", trying to tell them what to do! DSS is so hard-working, organized, and such a conscientious student! Instead of nagging him about his reading, DH should be praising him for "all his accomplishments" and recognizing his need for "well-deserved relaxation" and the "lazy days of summer".
Yeah - DH and I get to seem like slave-drivers when DSS gets home, because all his days with his Mom get to be so "lazy" that he can't even spend a half-hour reading (which he LIKES to do!!!!!!) and taking some notes! He must do it ALL when he's with us!
Since when does "unconditional love" mean "unconditional praise"? I love my step-son even though I recognize his deficiencies as a student - and his tendency to tell self-serving fibs. Is it more loving to pretend you don't see those things and let him keep shooting himself in the foot?
So. Frustrated. What a great start to the school year this will be.
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