ds and dh fight constantly

[wings62]

My 13.5 yr old ds and dh are constantly at odds with each other. Ds is challenging and does do things to purposely irritate dh (does with me also, but not as much). Dh yells at him, tells him to respect him, has grabbed him and forcibly put him into his room, etc. I almost always get caught in the middle as I cannot accept dh's behavior and since he is the adult and parent he has to immediately modify his behavior (does this make sense?). I have asked dh to allow me to function primarily as the disciplinarian, thus encouraging him to develop a better relationship with ds. As it is now, all they do is fight and argue. Their relationship basically sucks. Dh, however, is very persistent in trying to force his opinion on ds and is resistent to me as well. Any advice is appreciated. I'm at my wits end here.

[Nawny]

That sounds awful!

I think you are absolutely right when you say "I cannot accept dh's behavior and since he is the adult and parent he has to immediately modify his behavior," but it sounds like it isn't working the way you want.

Does your husband understand that someday soon your son will be too big to forcibly move around?

Does your son have any ideas about improving the relationship?

I think it is VERY important for you to stand up for your son. I would start by looking for ways to minimize interaction between the two of them. I would also physically intervene when shouting and grabbing are imminent.

I think it is just wrong, wrong, wrong for people to treat other people the way that your husband is treating your son.

You also said that "Ds is challenging and does do things to purposely irritate dh (does with me also, but not as much)" and I wonder if your son sees it the same way that you do. I'm betting that he is more interested in establishing his own personal boundaries and autonomy than purposely irritating you... Have you tried talking to him (when you're both in a good mood) about what is difficult, to see if he can help you find a solution?

You might all benefit from some breathing room. Maybe focus on spending time alone, or two on two, instead of altogether.

I hope something here helps! It sounds like you're stuck in the middle of a nasty power struggle. Good luck.

[kamalani]

I wish I could give advice, but all I can say is that life in our house is also filled with anger and struggles left and right. Probably the best advice for a little relief is to disappear alone, or with just one family member for a while. Just get out of the house, away from the struggles. Do something light and simple, like just taking a walk.

My ds, (age 11) was absent from school for several days because of a BAD cold/flu type thing. He got behind on homework. On top of that, it's the end of the year, lots of projects and reports are due, and his baseball team has been requiring more time of him than I feel is appropriate. He left for school exhausted and crying this morning, after yelling at me. (Yes, me, the one who's trying to help.)

Dh simply left for work before it all happened.

I will go and talk to his teacher this afternoon, but the teacher is just going to say that ds shouldn't play baseball, should have done the work sooner, etc.

Why are people so hard on each other?

kamalani

[wings62]

Thanks for your reply. Its been awhile since I posted and things are quite a bit better. I think partly due to the improved weather (we live in Ohio), persistence, and patience with eachother. We still have our moments though. I think it is sad that our lives (and our kids) are so full of "have to's" that a lot of the spontaneous stuff is rolled over. Hopefully school will end soon and your son will have some time and space.

[kamalani]

Thanks, and I'm glad to hear that things are better now for your family. Time usually has a way of healing.

It's just hard in the mean time.

kamalani