Fear of failure...how big a factor is it

[marquess78]

I am just baout 18w now with boy/girl twins. My EDD is 12/12 but I have this feeling about November.

Either way, I have a somewhat supportive OB(long story) and DH wants whatever I think is best as long as its not having the babies in our bed. I had this vision of a home waterbirth but cannot find a midwife to attend me. DH's big hangup is the bed. Basically if its not there then we're good to go. I have had 3 previous c/s all for failure to do this, that, and the other. First one was the most traumatic for me. The other 2 werent bad, as far as surgery goes. Doesnt make me want to sign up for another though.

I dont think I am broken, but I am afraid to try and then fail. The some med-pro will say "I told you so" and I will be crushed. I want to enjoy my babies once they are born, not be suffering because I couldn't have my VBAC. My labors are long and babies are nearly always posterior. I live about an hour from my hospital. I could deliver here in town but they are strictly no-VBAC (no active ban but the doctors won't do them at all) and the military hospital is just as bad. I went there in labor last time (I'd never gone into labor and my sister convinced me to get checked out there to be sure before we drove all the way to where I planned to deliver) and they wanted to section me at only 1cm! I signed out AMA, only to end up on the table 18 hours later.

How big a part does being afraid of failing play in the success/failure of a VBAC. If I could look into my crystal ball and see how it plays out, it would be alot easier to know what to do.

As for a birth plan, what do I put in there as far as wanting what I want without sounding unreasonable. There are factors DH and I have discussed where we agreed a c/s would be consented to. Emergencies and non-preventable stuff like placenta previa.

I'm a member of ICAN and have been reading everything I can find on VBA3C with twins. But none of it is comforting me or easing my anxiety. There are times I just want to say, "ok fine, we'll do the c/s on this day". The rest of the time I am gung ho and ready for labor.

Anyone relate or have any thoughts or ideas?

[AustinMom]

I'll give you just some of my thoughts on this.

Our society has mutilated birth so badly that nowdays, for a mom to have a truly empowering birth (be it CS or vaginal or VBAC) she has to do TONS of research, in oder to feel that she is getting the best information. Yes, it's a lot of work, but it's worth doing, knowing that you are making the best choices for your baby.

I'm going to HBAC in Sept, and I know, after reseraching, that it's the best, safest and healthiest option for all involved. I know that for me. But, I also know, there is a chance I will have a CS, so I'm doing all the research I can on that to make sure that if I do need one, it WILL be empowering, and NOT be traumatizing. I know it can be done and I've hired a great MW who turns into my Doula if we transfer and a great Doula/MW who goes with us too. I also am going to make sure that after baby is born, they go to ME, to MY CHEST, and not off to the side for all the silly things that they do. They can do all the 'medically necessary' stuff like APGAR testing with baby on me, and babies actually have higher APGAR scores when it is done that way, and not laying in baby bed box.

So yes, I know I can 'fail' to have a VBAC, but I will NOT 'fail' at birth. I will still birth my baby, and I'm going to start at the safest way for them to be born (HBAC) and go from there.

I sadly don't have much info on VBAMC, and sadly, there are not a lot of studies on it, but I'd say that HBAC would still be safer as it doesn't run the risk of labor induction, augmentation, epidurals, etc. I have a skilled MW there to monitor ME and my baby and that's the best way to do a VBAC if you ask me. Twins, I wouldn't worry much more about, as your body knows what it is doing there, and I don't see how a twin birth would raise the risk of UR or anything else, the same thing if one of them in breech. I could be wrong, like I said, I don't have much info on it.

Much Love though!

[writteninkursive]

I've had three c-sections also, and considered a homebirth for my last child, although I wasn't sold. I just figured if we didn't make it to the hospital in time, no biggie. (I ended up with a c/s anyway). While my brain was in it, my heart was not. I had doubts about it, and I now know that I sabotaged my own birth by not having faith in my own body.

So now we're making plans for baby #4. And we're having a homebirth. I am 100% onboard and involved. There is no DOUBT in my mind that I will not only be able to do it, but it will be at home, and it will be a GREAT experience! Maybe that's naive to think, but I can't imagine not being really sold on the plan and still going into it, with doubts and fears.

No doubt your fears play a role, even if not a huge one. Dig deep, Mama. Research as hard as you can, read all the books, fire yourself up about it, get mad and light the fire of truly WANTING this dream birth of yours! That, I think, is the key to avoiding the fear-dictated self-fulfilling prophecy. It works both ways.

Much power to you!

[momtoafireteam]

IMO and IME, it means nothing. I was naive enough in 2007/2008 to think that if I just 'researched enough' and "wanted it badly' and 'KNEW it would happen!!!11!' that it would. It didnt. Looking back, it would have been very easy to pat myself on the back for my hard work if it HAD gone the way I planned it. But ultimately, all it did was make me feel like a POS because I MUST have done something else wrong!! The 100+ pages of studies and research just wasnt enough!! The lectures and the conferences I attended weren't enough!!!

I....wasnt enough.

More than having another c/s, more than losing a VBAC, that absolute shock of failing when I was SO convinced I had done everything right? That was the hardest part. Especially when I see so many people say that they had a VBAC because they did XYZ. You had a VBAC because it worked. Thats all. NO amount of research will get you a VBAC if its not meant to happen. This pregnancy I decided from early on that I might again not get a VBAC, but I will never again feel that sense of failure. Dont do it to yourself.

[First Time Mama]

Don't know how the quote function works, but momtoafireteam, that is exactly how I feel. I was naive enough the first time I was pregnant to think that if I just made all the right choices I would have an empowering birth. I thought that that is all that it took. And if it had played out that way I would probably still believe that. Instead, it was that total shock that you describe of not having a vaginal birth after believing so much that I would. I am about 18 weeks pregnant now, and I definitely have fear of failing to have a vaginal birth again after trying so hard again.

[marquess78]

i have an inspiration. i also have the mind set that if its supposed to happen it will.

my inspiration has a name. phoebe. my best friend in the whole world became a dad yesterday to a 7lb12oz chunky girl (she has the sweetest little fat, rolly, arms!). his wife's water broke on Thursday night. She labored at home until Saturday morning. She was amazing. She went to the birth center at and labored another 10 hours until they transfered to the hospital at 8cm (stalled labor). i was afraid for her, but she had an epidural (they were using the bradley method so she didnt really want one but needed rest) and got some sleep. It wasnt until last night about 8pm that this little stubborn girl arrived. vaginally. after 72+ hours of mom's water being broken, epidural, and a lazy labor.

i am in awe and inspired by my friends wife. i know that the odds are against me. ive done the research. these babies were nearly 8 yrs in the making so i have had plenty of time to research. i know the risks and odds and all of that, in and out. my OB has stacks of research i provided for my arguement.

i have decided that i will not schedule a c/s. if i end up choosing to have it, it wont be until i go into labor and it will be on my terms. but i intend to learn some relaxation techniques and maybe take up yoga or something like that in order to help me during labor. my hubby is great but he is high strung when it comes to me being in pain. i wish HE would take up yoga, LOL. ive thought about getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi when labor starts and just chilling out there until i feel like i need to go to the hospital. ive also considered hypnobirthing. but i just dont think DH can let himself relax enough to be helpful and i dont want to exclude him.

so many decisions. but i feel better today. thank you all

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by marquess78

i have an inspiration. i also have the mind set that if its supposed to happen it will.

my inspiration has a name. phoebe. my best friend in the whole world became a dad yesterday to a 7lb12oz chunky girl (she has the sweetest little fat, rolly, arms!). his wife's water broke on Thursday night. She labored at home until Saturday morning. She was amazing. She went to the birth center at and labored another 10 hours until they transfered to the hospital at 8cm (stalled labor). i was afraid for her, but she had an epidural (they were using the bradley method so she didnt really want one but needed rest) and got some sleep. It wasnt until last night about 8pm that this little stubborn girl arrived. vaginally. after 72+ hours of mom's water being broken, epidural, and a lazy labor.

i am in awe and inspired by my friends wife. i know that the odds are against me. ive done the research. these babies were nearly 8 yrs in the making so i have had plenty of time to research. i know the risks and odds and all of that, in and out. my OB has stacks of research i provided for my arguement.

i have decided that i will not schedule a c/s. if i end up choosing to have it, it wont be until i go into labor and it will be on my terms. but i intend to learn some relaxation techniques and maybe take up yoga or something like that in order to help me during labor. my hubby is great but he is high strung when it comes to me being in pain. i wish HE would take up yoga, LOL. ive thought about getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi when labor starts and just chilling out there until i feel like i need to go to the hospital. ive also considered hypnobirthing. but i just dont think DH can let himself relax enough to be helpful and i dont want to exclude him.

so many decisions. but i feel better today. thank you all

Minor/major correction, the odds ARE IN YOUR FAVOR!!! That's what is so great. I'm so glad that have a positive birth in your inventory!

I'd totally do the hotel thing if I wasn't having a homebirth! Also, of course, hire a Doula to help with prenatal stuff and birth and postpartum and breastfeeding, etc.

As far as relaxation, I'm SO in the same boat, my hubby is not into much of this birth stuff, and last time he proved to be pretty useless for support in labor. I'm doing Hypnobabies this time. It's sort of like Hypnobirthing, only it's 'medical self-hypnosis' and totally goes into relaxation much more than yoga, although, yoga is great for just about every other thing in pregnancy and birth, it doesn't measure up to the relaxation you get with hypnobabies. Watch some youtube videos on hypnobabies to get more info.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Originally Posted by momtoafireteam

IMO and IME, it means nothing. I was naive enough in 2007/2008 to think that if I just 'researched enough' and "wanted it badly' and 'KNEW it would happen!!!11!' that it would. It didnt. Looking back, it would have been very easy to pat myself on the back for my hard work if it HAD gone the way I planned it. But ultimately, all it did was make me feel like a POS because I MUST have done something else wrong!! The 100+ pages of studies and research just wasnt enough!! The lectures and the conferences I attended weren't enough!!!

I....wasnt enough.

More than having another c/s, more than losing a VBAC, that absolute shock of failing when I was SO convinced I had done everything right? That was the hardest part. Especially when I see so many people say that they had a VBAC because they did XYZ. You had a VBAC because it worked. Thats all. NO amount of research will get you a VBAC if its not meant to happen. This pregnancy I decided from early on that I might again not get a VBAC, but I will never again feel that sense of failure. Dont do it to yourself.

Wow, momtoafireteam, that is EXACTLY how I feel about my second "failed" VBAC & c/s. Thank you for your post! I am saving it for reading again as I work toward my next VBAC attempt.

[c'est moi]

Originally Posted by momtoafireteam

More than having another c/s, more than losing a VBAC, that absolute shock of failing when I was SO convinced I had done everything right? That was the hardest part. Especially when I see so many people say that they had a VBAC because they did XYZ. You had a VBAC because it worked. Thats all. NO amount of research will get you a VBAC if its not meant to happen. This pregnancy I decided from early on that I might again not get a VBAC, but I will never again feel that sense of failure. Dont do it to yourself.

this is how i felt with my first. i was lucky enough to be part of an extremely knowledgeable and supportive birthing community. i did the "right" things, but still needed a c-section. this time around, i'm finding it hard to want my VBAC and really throw all my hopes into it. i just kind of have this feeling that you can't control birth. you can try and put the odds in your favor, but ultimately it's unpredictable.

[courtenay_e]

I think you're getting a lot of great emotional support here. *thanks, Mamas!* I would like to give some technical suggestions, if you don't mind. If all of your babies have been posterior, I would strongly recommend that you get some theraputic massage, chiropractic care, and/or accupuncture to help your body be as capable as it can of carrying anterior babies! That might make all of the difference in the world, if you haven't done it alreay!

Also, I agree with a previous poster, please do get a birth doula, as well as a post partum doula...and consider doing most of your labor at home/in a hotel. Also, remember that many docs do the bait and switch with VBAC or twin births...you have both, here, so the potential is greater. Be prepared to stick to your guns if you want to VBAC. I have attended twin VBACs, and they are awesome. I have faith that you can do it. I know that most of the Mamas here do, too! Our bodies are made to birth babies, and yours isn't any different. <3

[marquess78]

well i have an update.

i had an ob appt today. and i told my OB i wasnt ok with having a repeat c.s for no reason. he asked me what i wanted to do, wait until labor starts and then c.s or try to vbac. i told him that if i have a c.s it will be for a medical emergency, or on my terms should i choose to schedule.

we talked a bit about the new ACOG guidelines and then he made a note in my chart and gave me a copy of it, stating that i am refusing a repeat c.s and that i plan to vbac, OR if I choose to, I can ask for a c.s once labor starts. he said i wasnt the first to refuse a repeat, and i wouldnt be the last and he wasnt upset or suprised about my choice.

i have been looking into birth doula's. so far everyone that has contacted me back is booked for other births around the same time i am due so i am still looking.

i am also looking for a gently used hypnobabies set. if anyone hears of one, please let me know. or if anyone has one that they dont mind loaning me (i will pay for shipping here and back to you once i deliver) that would be awesome.

as far as the chiropractor thing goes, how do you find one that is experienced with helping moms with persistant posterior babies. thanks again

[courtenay_e]

I would ask for recommendations from the doulas in your area (whether they can take you on or not most of them are happy to refer to chiros they trust), as well as the Mamas in your tribal area. If you just ask them in your tribal area for referrals to chiros with Webster experience, they should be able to hook you up! Keep looking for a doula...you might even call the homebirth midwives in your area, if there are any, and ask if they do monitrice services, or if they have apprentices who would be willing to do doula work (or frankly if they do doula work). That might broaden your horizons a little bit as far as available support goes... good luck. Every woman deserves to have labor support from an experienced woman!