Withholding and Giving Love

[ShyDaisi]

My son turned 3 in April, and, over the past couple of months, I have noticed he has been progressively withholding or giving things based on his happiness about a person's choice. I don't see his interactions with many other people besides me, so it is mostly my decisions. At first it was, "I am not your friend anymore!" if I didn't allow him to do something or if I made a choice he didn't like. It has now progressed to, "I don't love you anymore!"

I don't want him to think it is okay to withhold or give these things in relation to how happy he is with the person from or to whom he is withholding or giving, respectively. This is NOT something that I do with him or to him. This is NOT something I have seen or heard anyone doing with him or to him. It *could* be happening at daycare... I can and probably will talk to the daycare director about this, but if the teacher is not right there when it is happening she may not be aware of the exact words that are being said between friends (I don't think this is something the teacher is doing...).

So, what do I do? What do I say? Is there a natural consequence to saying things like this to people that I am not seeing? I have tried to tell him that it hurts my feelings when he says things like that, but it doesn't seem to make him rethink the original line of thinking. How do I explain that people either are or are not our friends regardless of whether a choice is made by said friend we may not like? Or, that we love people for who they are, not what they say or a decision they make? I have tried to say both of those things that exact way, but either it isn't getting through or the desire for the "thing" or "action" is so strong he doesn't care. My instinct is that it is a phase he is going through, but I want him to emerge from the phase with a better understanding of the acceptable and unacceptable ways to treat your loved ones. How do I do that???

For example, tonight he wanted something for dinner other than what I had available to cook, and he said he didn't love me anymore because I wouldn't cook what he wanted. Last night, he wanted a lollipop, but he was actually in the middle of a "knock down drag out" tantrum when he asked. I felt that giving him one it would reinforce or reward the tantrum, so he told me I wasn't his friend anymore.

He definitely gets to make a lot of choices, but sometimes his "want" is not something he can have. He doesn't get told no all that much because I am pretty easy going and compromise easily, but it isn't like I never say no. We talk about alternatives to things that aren't acceptable, or if there are no alternatives, then I explain why. Most of the times he is accepting of those instances, but for some reason he is increasingly reacting in this way.

Suggestions, comments, similar experiences, and questions all welcome!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

It sounds like he is just expressing his displeasure in the moment, and has found a way to do so that bothers you quite a bit. I think you are overthinking the whole set of behaviors - he's just not cognitively ready to understand the concepts you want him to understand, and by the time he is (years...) he'll be way out of this phase.

I think you should drop anything like, "that hurts my feelings," or other more complex explanations and just acknowledge his feelings: "You really want a lollipop right now! You are so mad about not having a lollipop!"

[mamazee]

I wouldn't take his words too seriously. This is a hard age partially becasue they speak so well they sound almost like little grownups, and it's hard to remember that they don't have any social graces and dont' always understand what they're saying in an adult way. Don't respond like you would if an adult said it.

One of the things he might not completely understand yet is the concept of unconditional love, so it could be that when he's upset, angry, frustrated, or whatever with you, he could think that his love stops over that time period. He might actually think that he doesn't love you right then. He wasn't born understanding that love continues during anger. That can be a scary idea, and IMO the best thing to do when he says something like that would be to respond that you love him all the time no matter what and no matter how he feels about you, so that he learns about how unconditional love works.

[IndigoKoi]

Aww, mama! That sounds tough We haven't gotten to that stage yet with my son, but I can say that I personally went through that when I was little. I apparently told my aunt (who took care of me during the day) that I hated her whenever she tried to brush my hair (which apparently I hated very much) and I would be so ugly to her. She would usually just say "that's ok, but I'm still going to brush your hair".

Something to encourage you though, which I heard the other night during a Holistic Moms Meeting on compassionate parenting to create compassionate children- Don't worry so much about the current behavior of your child as much as how you react to the behavior. Because usually their behavior is appropriate for their developmental level. It doesn't make it right behavior, but it's also not unusual. But how YOU react is the important thing, because children learn from example. And if they see you being calm in difficult situations, or showing love even when something is not in your favor, they will also learn to be calm and loving and compassionate. The lady also said that in order for children to learn compassion they must go through the power struggles because that's when they realize that another person exists separately from them with separate feelings, wants, needs, etc.

Hang in their, hopefully this phase will pass soon. I can tell you that even though I told my aunt I hated her so many times when I was around that 3-4 yo age, I love her like a second mom.

[Storm Bride]

I don't see this as being about withholding love. Your son is trying to find the vocabulary for a complicated (and probably somewhat scary) emotional state. "I don't love you" or "you're not my friend" are very basic ways to express a lot of anger and frustration. Most kids that age that I've known are on about that level, in terms of verbal emotional expression.

I also don't think there's any reason to assume he's hearing this anywhere. It's just a way of expressing himself. I'm about 90% sure that ds2 had never heard "I hate you" the first time he said it to me.

As for ways to handle it? I generally just say something like, "well, I still love you. I'm sorry you're so angry/upset/frustrated right now" or something like that. I keep it very simple...just acknowledge that he's not happy, and reassure him that I still love him (even though I'm saying "no", getting angry, or whatever).

[mamadebug]

I have a 5, almost 6 year old, son who has done some of this. He went through a phase of saying "I am not your friend anymore" to his friends when he would get mad. He hasn't said it in quite a while, now. He will say, when he is really mad or tired and unable to deal with his emotions, to me, "I am not going to love you anymore if......" But that happens less and less often, too.

It's not a fun thing to hear, but it is developmentally appropriate. They are mad and saying the worst thing they can think of in the moment. If it was directed at his friend, I would talk with DS about how I understand he is mad, but that he can't use words to hurt other people, even if he is mad at them. When DS was calmer, we checked in with his friends and asked how they felt - he had 2 friends who it really bothered when he said that and they let him know. If it was directed at me, I didn't even address his comment about loving me (or not loving me!!) and just dealt with his anger, tiredness or whatever.

I think all you can do is model the behavior you want and calmly talk about it. I don't really think there is a natural consequence if he does it to you - you have to deal with the emotion behind it. If it happens with a friend, the natural consequence could be that the friend wants to go home (that happened to us once). It took many, many of these kinds of conversations, but a while back, DS "got" it. He talked about how he had gotten mad at his friend and said a mean thing, but now that it was later and he had calmed down, he felt like he did still love his friend, that he had just said it when he was feeling angry, but that he shouldn't say something mean when he felt angry because it can really hurt someone's feelings.... I don't think he has doen it since. But he was almost 6 when he put that all together. Three would be awfully young to understand how his behavior is affecting someone else's feelings, take that into consideration when he is mad or tantruming and come out with a nicer response.

[EmTheWife]

I was a very, mmm, shall we say, "passionate" child and was always very vocal about my feelings. Even when I'd say, "I hate you," etc. and storm off or throw a tantrum, my parents would hold me and say, "I love you, always and forever," etc. in return.
It seems like your son is doing what I did - knowing it will hurt the hearer to hear the statement, so he says it. You may be reinforcing that behavior by acknowledging the hurt it gives you, rather than countering the hurtful words with love and grace and acceptance of him just as he is.

[bebebradford]

Totally normal momma.. it's a stage. My three year old is going through it right now. He likes to get the upset reaction out of me when he's mad at me by saying things like that. Be patient.

[ChristyMarie]

My son did the same thing at that age. He grew out of it.

We kept telling him that we always love each other, give hugs goodbye, whatever - even if we're upset with the person at the moment, we still love them. Even if you do something wrong, we still love you, right? That's the way family is. You can be mad at someone but still love them.

Repeat about 400,000 times.

[Joyster]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

My son did the same thing at that age. He grew out of it.

We kept telling him that we always love each other, give hugs goodbye, whatever - even if we're upset with the person at the moment, we still love them. Even if you do something wrong, we still love you, right? That's the way family is. You can be mad at someone but still love them.

Repeat about 400,000 times.

Pretty much this. Pretty much every kid I've known at around this age has said "I'm not your friend" "You're not coming to my party!" "I don't love you anymore" to their parents. I'd usually say "Well I love you more than anything, but my decision is still this." Then I'd have a discussion with my little guy about how we can be angry and still love people. He grew out of it, or rather, my brilliant discussions and child rearing skills brought him around. I like the latter. lol

[karemore]

I agree that his behavior is perfectly normal for the age.

When DD went through a similar phase I simply said, "well I have enough love for both of us".

I said that every time until she finally realized there was no pay off for her saying she didn't love me.

It's going to take you awhile since he already knows it upsets you.

[LynnS6]

He's trying out the words and seeing their impact, a lot like a 1 year old who keeps dropping spaghetti on the floor to see what happens. Only, it hurts a lot more with the words. But a 3 year old can't really understand the full impact of their words. so please don't read too much into it.

This is the age where I began to find the techniques in "how to Talk So Your Children Will Listen" really helpful. "You're not my friend anymore" can be responded to with "you sound like you're mad at me." You acknowledge his feelings and give him appropriate language to express them.

[NellieKatz]

In response to this: "I don't want him to think it is okay to withhold or give these things in relation to how happy he is with the person from or to whom he is withholding or giving, respectively. "

Conditional love is pretty rotten, if indeed that's what's going on here (but I don't think so...I agree with the other posters that he's so young, he's just expressing his displeasure). But what caught my eye is that you want to teach him that it's not OK. I would think it wiser to (a) never model conditional love OR what he might FEEL is conditional love [<--key point, here] which it sounds like you're already on top of and (b) just let him know the effect, if any, that his words have. Frankly, I'd think that for a parent, they'd have no effect at all, because we know they're just little and that of course they don't hate us in the BIG sense of it. But like if he was saying it to another little kid, I'd try to get him to think of how the other kid might feel.

But remembering my core principle that my child is mentally free to hold any position he wants, even one opposite mine (yikes!), when my child would say "I don't love you any more!" I just say, I understand that honey. You are very mad at me right now. And you don't HAVE to love me....I've got enough love for both of us!" Sometimes now that he is 7 he will say "no mom, it's not just because I feel mad...sometimes i really DON'T love you...and our 'bond of love' is broken." I reply, "I know, honey....and during those times, I will be the rock. I have enough love for both of us, and I'll be here solid as a rock, ready to reconnect when you are."

This always seems to comfort him. Because being mad and "feeling separate" really is scary to him, even as he does it.

[Angela512]

I think what he is doing is very normal. I believe that the best thing you can do is help him identify and properly express his emotions.

One of the things I do is when the kids do something that I get angry about (throwing food up to the ceiling, for instance)...I say, "I still love you with all of my heart, but I am feeling very angry with your choice to throw food on the ceiling." I think it helps them to understand that you can still love/like someone even when you feel angry/upset/hurt/etc. with them.

It will come up more as they get into the friends stage. My oldest (turning 8) used to come home and say, "He's not my friend anymore because..." and I would listen to her and just say, "It sounds like you are really hurt/angry/upset that he _________________." We'd talk it out that way...I'd reassure her that she can still have him as a friend even when she's feeling angry, but that she did the right thing by removing herself from the situation and giving herself time to cool off. I do remind her, however, that while friends can disagree and it's normal...she does not have to keep friends who constantly are mean to her, etc. It doesn't make her a bad person to choose not to be friends with someone who only does things to make her feel bad.

It's hard to hear the kids talk like this, sometimes, but it's all about them learning how to express their feelings. And it's a great time to teach them how to positively express those feelings/emotions.

[lilyka]

With my kids I would have expressed two things to them in this situation.

1) No matter how upset you are at not getting your way you may not speak unkindly and those are unkind words. You must stop saying those things.

2) say cheerfully "well that is your choice. I still love you, so you are stuck with me."

[blessedwithboys]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

Sometimes now that he is 7 he will say "no mom, it's not just because I feel mad...sometimes i really DON'T love you...and our 'bond of love' is broken." I reply, "I know, honey....and during those times, I will be the rock. I have enough love for both of us, and I'll be here solid as a rock, ready to reconnect when you are."

.

Wow, how awesome! Thisi totally made me cry, how amazing. If my own mother had ever spoken to me like that, I would be a completely different person now in my 30's.

OP, as others have said, it's just a normal, though distressing, developmental phase. Try not to overthink it.

My 8yo is still in this phase. LOL I just tell him that he's allowed to feel any which way he wants about whomever, but he is never allowed to show me disrespect. He usually figures out on his own that (in our family) it's disrespectful to tell one's mother you hate her. He would never say we're not friends but if he did I would just remind him that I'm his mother, not his friend, anyway. He's a very explosive child, so I take a firmer approach with him than another parent might have to take with a child of a different temperment.

And I make a point to regularly hug him and tell him that there is nothing he could ever do to make me not love him anymore. I don't try that in the midst of a rage, but instead I make a conscious effort to do it during quiet times. I think it's more likely to sink in then.