Something's not working....

[at-home]

My twins are 3 1/2. I have other children, but I wasn't enlightened regarding gentle discipline until our twins came along, so I need some experienced advice.
They have gotten into a mode lately where they constantly do all sorts of things they know they are not supposed to do (tear books, grab spices from the kitchen counter and pour them outside, draw on the walls with pens, etc.). I try to keep things out of reach, but it is impossible to keep up on everything every moment of the day. I speak with them each time, letting them know it is not ok and ask them things like, "Is it ok to draw on the walls?" Usually they will say "no" and I reiterate not to do it, they say, "ok" in a sincere way, and then go do it again. One of the girls also, sometimes, just laughs at me when I am reminding her (sternly) that she just did something that she wasn't supposed to - then runs off. It's really getting to me. Suggestions?
Thanks!

[mom2grrls]

Do you have childproof locks on all cabinets or shelves up high that would take them a minute to reach? They may figure out the locks or climb but it at least gives you a couple minutes to get there before that kind of stuff happens. Generally if my child drew on the wall I would say "if you want to draw here's some paper" then show her how to clean up. then I wouls make sure any writing utensils are out of their reach. If you have other children would they be willing to keep an eye out along with you to perhaps lessen these incidents? try to remember they're not out to get you, they're just having fun

[at-home]

Yes, I have gates and locks, etc. At 3 1/2, they are very good at climbing over gates and fences and undoing locks (unless its a combination padlock!). I offer them paper when they draw on walls, and then they go outside and draw on the house when I'm not looking. We do our best to keep everything out of reach. Yes, they are "just having fun." And possibly they would like more of my attention. However, there have to be times when they understand that I am not available and that some things are not ok. They "know" that it is not ok to draw on the wall, take the butter dish outside, etc., but they do it anyway. It is not reasonable to keep every single thing in the house 6-8 feet high! If they do something inappropriate/unacceptable once in a while, of course I understand - they are 3 year olds! However, they have gotten into a mode of doing these things constantly. Any other suggestions, anyone?

[mom2grrls]

It seems like you want them to have more impulse control than 3.5 y/os normally do, there is no one "trick" that will stop them from doing those sorts of things right now KWIM? There is a series of books by Louise Bates Ames that explains normal behavior for each age in childhood. This is a small look at them https://web59.mysecureserver.com/ges...pmentalPOV.pdf

[mom2grrls]

Also meant to say that if you think they want more attention from you, perhaps they do. It is hard to divide time between multiple children but perhaps you can set aside 20-30 mins a day for just them when someone else is there to help

[poppan]

I take away the offending implements when my twins draw on the walls etc. I guess I'm not practicing Unconditional Parenting but I don't think Gentle Discipline necessarily has to follow that particular theory. I explain that we don't draw on walls, we draw on paper and I provide a warning that mommy will take away the crayons if they keep drawing on the wall. Then I follow through. They're 3 y.o. I don't really expect them to have that much impulse control as a PP said, or that much logic either--I guess I'm practicing a form of behavior therapy, if you do X then Y happens as a consequence. You draw on the wall, your crayons get taken away. I only had to take away crayons once or twice before they never drew on the wall again, I didn't yell at anyone and I didn't do time out, I just took away the thing they were playing "incorrectly" with.

[Kristin0105]

You say that they know they should not do xyz but at 3.5 I;'d challenge that assumption. As the PP's said at 3.5 it is unlikely that they have that control. Yes they can tell you they shouldn't do it but actually stopping themselves from doing it is another thing. This too shall pass. Just keep redirecting and try to give them the attention they may be seeking.

[nina_yyc]

OP, I get the idea that they are doing this stuff all the time, not just intermittently as most 3.5yos do, and that something about the way it goes down feels fishy to you.

Maybe there is a different way you can handle these incidents? My DD is 3.5 andshe is not always ready to convert a lecture about 'why X is not OK' into a behavioral change. I find the logical consequences get the point across better. For example, writing on the walls - once she realized that she was not going to get a performance from me, just a cleaning cloth and a spray bottle, she stopped doing it. Same with taking the sheets off the bed....making the bed with mommy after isn't really that much fun.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by poppan

I take away the offending implements when my twins draw on the walls etc. I guess I'm not practicing Unconditional Parenting but I don't think Gentle Discipline necessarily has to follow that particular theory. I explain that we don't draw on walls, we draw on paper and I provide a warning that mommy will take away the crayons if they keep drawing on the wall. Then I follow through. They're 3 y.o. I don't really expect them to have that much impulse control as a PP said, or that much logic either--I guess I'm practicing a form of behavior therapy, if you do X then Y happens as a consequence. You draw on the wall, your crayons get taken away. I only had to take away crayons once or twice before they never drew on the wall again, I didn't yell at anyone and I didn't do time out, I just took away the thing they were playing "incorrectly" with.

This is what we do. A 3.5 year old is well able to grasp this concept and I think the alternatives that I've read seem to sell the kids short.

[mlec]

I recommend the book "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling. I know it doesn't sound AP friendly, but it is (IMO, anyhow). I agree that this sounds like attention seeking behavior. She recommends connecting w/ your child in his/her primary love language during NEUTRAL moments to give them the attention they need and help avoid these situations. I agree it is WELL within a 3.5 y/o's ability to refrain from doing these troublesome things. I don't think locks and gates are the answer, though. I would say the less of that you have, the more empowered in their environment the children feel.
You might want to look into some Montessori activities to demo for each one of your twins to give them that opportunity for absorbed concentration that they are capable of and that they find so rewarding. The book "How to Raise an Amazing Child" has some nice ideas. Good luck!

[at-home]

Originally Posted by mlec

I recommend the book "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling. I know it doesn't sound AP friendly, but it is (IMO, anyhow). I agree that this sounds like attention seeking behavior. She recommends connecting w/ your child in his/her primary love language during NEUTRAL moments to give them the attention they need and help avoid these situations. I agree it is WELL within a 3.5 y/o's ability to refrain from doing these troublesome things. I don't think locks and gates are the answer, though. I would say the less of that you have, the more empowered in their environment the children feel.
You might want to look into some Montessori activities to demo for each one of your twins to give them that opportunity for absorbed concentration that they are capable of and that they find so rewarding. The book "How to Raise an Amazing Child" has some nice ideas. Good luck!

Thank you for these suggestions and observations. Interestingly, I was just today looking into Montessori home activites. I will take a look at the two books you mentioned - you seem to have a grasp of what I am dealing with.