Family (or people formally known as my family) makes me crazy

[prone_to_wander]

I have a messy situation here. Any thoughts ya'll have is very much appreciated.

My grandmother lived with my parents for 5 years (my mom's mom). And then things went sour. My grandmother is a pack rat. I think she may have a hoarding mental illness. Anyway, she started avoiding my parents...like running away when she saw them. Both my parents really struggled with finding a way to fix the problems they were having...they suggested a mediator several times, but my grandmother refused to attend. My parents made mistakes but so did grandma.

Well things got so bad that they asked grandma to leave. The situation just wasn't healthy for anyone. My mother's sisters came down to help grandma move. They refused to talk to my parents. They were rude. In the end, my grandmother and my aunts disowned my mom because my parents asked grandma to move out. (even more back story...my mom was disowned by her dad after he accused my grandma of sleeping around and claimed my mom wasn't his child.)

My mom isn't a horrible person. In fact I think she is one of the most loving and amazing people in the world. Her sisters disowning her (in my opinion) is petty and ridiculous. They blamed the break down of her and my grandmother's relationship solely on my mom...neglecting that it takes two to tango. I am not impressed with their behaviour. And my mom has been so hurt by all of this.

fast forward a few years to the present. I just had my beautiful DS and one of my (used to be) aunts is trying to add me as a friend on facebook. I will be in their city at Christmas and am honestly confused about what I should do with them. I am shocked and revolted by how they have treated my family. I'd really not have much to do with them until they sort things out with my mom. However, I do have contact with my grandma. I think she is a little unbalanced and not quite right. I'd like her to see her great grandbaby. But I'm not keen to see anyone else.

So should I just slink into their town and slink out with out telling them, I'm there (they'll know I am there though)
Do I just call grandma and ask her out for coffee and hope the rest of them don't come.
Do I take a stand and tell them why I don't wish to see them (I mean, there are consequences for actions...disowning my mom really doesn't make them my aunts and therefore my DS isn't any of their concern)
Or do I hurt my mom by going and seeing them? But I don't really care to see them.

I mean, what am I teaching my DS through all of this? To stick with your immediate family? It is ok to disown people? We all need to forgive?

Also, all of my siblings have some contact with them. My sister even invited some of them to her graduation and hurt my mom.

what would you do? (if you managed to make it through this novel)

[lotusdebi]

Originally Posted by prone_to_wander

Do I take a stand and tell them why I don't wish to see them (I mean, there are consequences for actions...disowning my mom really doesn't make them my aunts and therefore my DS isn't any of their concern)

This seems like the best option. It reflects your feelings about them and the situation. And, if they're reasonable, they'll leave you alone. Or, perhaps they'll come to their senses and apologize. But, I wouldn't hold my breath for that.

What are you teaching your DS? That actions have consequences. That you stand up for what you believe in.

[KempsMama]

I know what your going through. Almost two years ago my Aunt "disowned" my grandmother and mother over POLITICS of all things. This Aunt was my Godmother, we had been close, and she was excited about her great nephew, my son. She attempted to keep in contact with me. I told her until she could work things out with the other women in my family I wasn't interested. She has really hurt my grandmother and mother in ways I don't think she's capable of understanding, and I don't want my nuclear family being hurt by her toxic actions. Not to mention she's still trying to divide the rest of the Uncles and cousins by persuading them to take "her side" in all this mess.

When we go to the city they all live in, we see the family members we want to see. If there's a gathering she's going to be at we decline. I figure that's only fair, since my grandparents spent Christmas ALONE because the Uncle who hosted didn't invite her, but invited the Aunt in question.

[lmk1]

Dunno...you could have a feud forever, or you could meet with them and discuss what happened. There could be a lot of misinformation in the way, and a lot of pride. They may not have realized how unbalanced your grandma is, and taken her side 100%. There are many sides to any issue, and this gives you a chance to hear the other side, and perhaps try to reconcile your mom with her sisters. No one is an angel...so you can teach your dd that that's what life is like...that sometimes one can be wrong and you can overcome that. On the other hand, if you meet with them, and you judge them to be anti-your mom for no good reason and unwilling to see her side at all, you can still go back to cut off contact. It just seems that you're doing the same thing they did ... cutting off people and taking sides. They picked their mom, you're picking yours....

On the other hand, I'm an outsider, so I don't know any other history here...so take my advice with a grain of salt.