How to discuss decision to vax with friend

[CliffsideMama]

I realize everyone tries to do what they think is best for their child(ren).

I'm not sure how to react to this situation and was wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on it.

One of my good girlfriends gave birth to her firstborn may 1, 2010. DS is great in every way. I have been so happy and supportive to my friend and she seemed interested in the mothering magazines, the sling, etc. that we've loaned her.

So when she told me she has decided to vax ds in a week, I was shocked. We have talked about vaxxing pre-ds' birth and she and her husband seemd to be on the same page as we are about the whole situation ( our 2.5 yo dd is unvaxed).

She specifically wrote me, "please don't try to talk me out of this, I'm already feeling guilty enough!!!!!".

Now I want to respect her decision. But it sounds like she didn't read the books I loaned her, and she doesn't sound to me like she's making the decision she wants to make, but rather is deciding out of pressure, fear, or ignorance.

I want to discuss with her, gently, what I know about vaxing and the industry behind it. I want to make sure she is doing what she knows to be the best thing to do for her son. I don't want this to be something we can never talk about.

What do you think?

Should I just drop it?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[mija y mijo]

Definitely drop it if you want to keep this friendship. Just because she has decided to vaccinate her son doesn't mean that she didn't read the books you've loaned her... she very well could have come to a different conclusion than you or I would have. You've obviously talked about vaccine safety with her, now respect her choice as a mother to do what's best for HER child.

It sounds like you're well-meaning and you obviously care for this friend and her child... and I know how difficult it can be to try and share information with someone you love and have them disregard it. But if you don't want this to ruin your friendship you need to drop it.

[Angela512]

Honestly? She's made her decision and you should leave it alone. It's not your choice/decision and if you value this friendship at all...you would respect her choice to vaccinate and support her as a friend, whether or not you agree with her.

Definitely just drop it.

[CliffsideMama]

I understand that just dropping the issue is what seems to make sense.

I just don't want the decision to vax to be something she regrets later.... if she's already feeling guilty before even doing it, maybe doing it isn't really what she thinks is the best thing to do.... maybe she' s feeling pressured to vax and this dr.'s appointment is being seen as an all-or-nothing ultimatum for her.

As her good friend, i want to be there to help herand be helped by her as we journey as parents. Vaccination is a medical procedure that I think we should be able to disucss as reasonable, gentle adults. Why should such a major topic be taboo in our friendship? Because she already feels guilty about it?

something about this doesn't feel good to me.

I would not be discussing with my good friend in a tone that suggests i think she's "wrong" to vax her son. I would just want to talk about a sensitive topic that we both are trying to learn about.

thanks for you input!
Leanne

[ammiga]

I would write back something like this:

I won't try to talk you out of it. You are ds's mom, and of course you are doing everything you think is right for your child. Just remember, there is nothing forcing you to vaccinate right now. It is ok to take some time to research everything so you are making a decision you are confident in and not one you feel guilty about. For me, nothing makes me feel more guilty than making a parenting decision that I can't take back. Remember that you can always give vaccines when they are a something you can feel good about, but you can never take one back. I found the MDC vaccine board to be very informative, and a nice balance of moms who vaccinate fully, selectively, and not at all. You might want to spend the next few days looking over those posts to help you feel better about your decision! And now, you can consider this subject dropped, unless you bring it up with me. You are a wonderful mom, and I am proud of all that you are doing for ds!

[ma2two]

I don't understand. Why is she planning ahead of time to do something to her baby that she knows she will feel guilty about? It makes no sense. You could at least ask her about that.

A decision to vaccinate should never be taken lightly or rushed into. Vaccines should not be given until the parent is totally at peace with it. Obviously, she is not at peace with it if she is feeling guilty.

[itzj]

I would say something simple but that reminds her to be informed.Like, Of course I won't. I respect you making an informed decision for you family.

[caned & able]

I strongly suggest that you drop it and do not discuss it again.

If not vaccinating is that important to you, find other friends.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by ma2two

I don't understand. Why is she planning ahead of time to do something to her baby that she knows she will feel guilty about? It makes no sense. You could at least ask her about that.

A decision to vaccinate should never be taken lightly or rushed into. Vaccines should not be given until the parent is totally at peace with it. Obviously, she is not at peace with it if she is feeling guilty.

Ha! Are you kidding? There is ALWAYS room for guilt and unease when you're a mom, no matter what decisions you make.

To the OP: Your friend was very clear in what she expected from you. Respect her wishes and her parenting decisions. It is not your job to convince her one way or another. You did a good thing lending her reading material to help her decide. Now she has.

[serenbat]

If not vaccinating is that important to you, find other friends.

I am friends with people that share my morals, values and beliefs, I find it hard to be a true friend to someone who does not.

Holding your tongue may be hard for the long term and not be a plus to the relationship.

[ma2two]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

Ha! Are you kidding? There is ALWAYS room for guilt and unease when you're a mom, no matter what decisions you make.

Because I have researched this topic so thoroughly, I have zero uncertainty and zero guilt about not vaccinating. I certainly don't expect other people to research as much as me, but for someone to say that they don't want to learn any more, and that they feel guilty, just makes no sense. I might drop the subject, but then I would consider this person to be just an acquaintance, not a friend.

[xmasbaby7]

I only have discussed vaxes at length with my BFF and have found that it is not a good idea to talk about such personally powerful topics with friends that are not friends you can truly get gritty and honest with if you have a disagreement.

With your friend I would say, "I absolutely respect any informed decision that you will make, even if it is different from mine; but for your sake, I don't think any parenting decision that makes you feel guilty in advance is the best one. Maybe you just need some more time to sort this out for yourself so you are more sure?"

[Angela512]

I think you may want ask her why she is making this decision...she could be getting a lot of pressure from her hubby or her extended family...her pediatrician, etc. If that is the case, definitely support her in what she believes is best for her child.

This is hard because you want to encourage her to make the choice that she feels is right...but you could very well be getting drowned out by others.

And that first note...about her taking her time to make the choice until she's comfortable with it is a good one and maybe go with that?

[CliffsideMama]

Thanks everyone for helping me to make sense of this.

[ema-adama]

I just don't want the decision to vax to be something she regrets later.

Depending on who she is, not vaccinating could be a decision she will regret later.

There really is no one right answer, and not every choice is the right choice for every family.

You might not agree with her values, but she is the parent who has to live with the consequences of her choice.

I have BTDT when it comes to watching friends vaccinate slectively and on schedule and I have had to learn to take a step back. It used to be very difficult for me to know when babies of friends were going in for their shots, expecially when my friends did not even know which shots the babies were getting. But, as with all parenting choices, that is the choice they are happy with and it is not my place to question their parenting choices. Just like I would be quite upset if people in my life questioned my choices when it comes down to a difference in values.

Good luck OP. I know how hard it is to watch people make choices that you are passionately questioning.

[chaoticzenmom]

I usually tell new mothers "You should look into vaccinations, a lot of people are choosing not to vaccinate and you do have a choice." Then, I drop it and never mention it again unless asked specific questions. As long as she knows she has a choice, she's good to go.

I wouldn't mention it again. She was quite assertive when asking you to stop. She may not even feel guilty, but is just saying that to soften your response.