feeling guilty about conceiving

[notAClue]

My first baby is due in a month and a half. I'm really excited about having a baby, and I love him so much already. DH is a wonderful partner and will be a very good father. We are not in the best place financially but hopefully things will be getting better soon. I just keep looking around and thinking "why did I do it now?" We have room mates that despise children, DH has a stable but very low paying job (just applied for a promotion, we'll find out soon!), and I was 3 classes away from finishing my certificate program (not exactly a college degree, but maybe enough to get me a job).

some people right now are most likely thinking "if you are in such a bad place, why did you let yourself get pregnant?"

I tried to conceive for 3 years with my ex. He would not let me see a doctor, he would not let me do research on my own, he would not let me talk to anyone about it. I assumed I would never be able to conceive. When I left him and started seeing my DH we used birth control for about six months and then just quit. I didn't see the point and he wasn't good about remembering anyway. Another 3 years with no pregnancy. six years of TTC and just not caring and nothing.

Now my little one is almost here, and I am so confused by everything. Am I happy about it? should I be ashamed for bringing a baby into the world now while I am so unfit to be a good mother? I have been sleeping all day, and I've stopped eating. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I wanted a baby so bad and now I feel like I should be punished for accomplishing it.

if anyone was capable of following my messed up train of thought, please just say something. Say I am a bad person or that I am not I don't care, just let me know I'm not alone.

[rhiOrion]

you're not a bad person! babies do cost money, and it might be difficult, but really all they NEEEED is your boobs and love, and probably some diapers and a carseat.

Taking care of yourself is the best way you can take care of this baby right now.

Things will fall into place, they almost always do. Maybe you shop at consignment sales or goodwill, instead of at gymboree. Maybe you learn how to do without bouncy chairs and swings, but babies were raised for many many years without those things.

your baby needs you. that's all.

[lillymonster]

I think calling yourself unfit is well...it's making me sad! You don't need anything but a roof over your head. I shop at consignment, I didn't buy all the "Stuff" like jumpers, and exersaucers and fancy slings.

I know people without kids that stopped college 3 credits shy of graduation. I know people who didn't go to college or get any training after school have 5 kids.

Have you talked to anyone else about this? I made a post before about being depressed during pregnancy, and I think that just like there is PPD, there is pregnancy induced depression, it might be worth mentioning to whoever you are seeing for your birth.

[Baby~Braatens~Mama]

I have to agree with the pp's as far as you don't need much to keep your baby healthy and happy. I also completely understand where you are coming from. I don't feel guilty so much as overwhelmed, when I think of all of the ways I am not going to be the very best mother. But only when I think of things materialistically. In my heart I know that this child is mine, and he will be loved and well nourished, physically mentally and spiritually. So he may not have the nicest shoes when he goes to school, or the latest technology, but he will be LOVED. You love your child, and are devoted enough to care about his well-being. I bet you will be a wonderfull mother! And everything else will work out. Congratulations! Breathe! Everything will work out.

[LSUtwinMama]

DH and I were in a similar place in our lives as you when we had our twins- low paying jobs, lousy roommates, college loan debt... it was rough. There were a lot of nights of crying/freaking out about the future but honestly, once they were here, things *really* did just fall in to place.

It wasn't easy at all but it brought DH and I so much closer together.

Grats on your baby! *fingers crossed that your DH gets the promotion*

[notAClue]

Thanks everyone. I know things will be okay. I'm making diapers, my boobs seem to be working just fine, I have supportive family and two wonderful midwives. I just need to let myself be happy about this and stop freaking out about little things. I am overwhelmingly glad that it is my current DH, and not my ex that is the father of my child, so I know things could be much worse. Thanks again to everyone.

[Drummer's Wife]

Don't feel guilty. Things have a way of working out.

10 years ago we got pregnant with our first baby at age 20 and 21 and we were living in a small 1-bedroom apartment. DH made $7 an hour (I made $11 - so not much more). No college degrees or high-track careers. But you know what? I was still able to be a SAHM, and now almost a decade later we have a total of 4 children and are doing really well. Plenty of people thought it was bad timing, and were worried we wouldn't make it (financially, emotionally, relationship-wise -- we weren't even married). But they were all wrong. We definitely had a lot to learn about being on our own, finding ourselves, being young adults and new parents - but we did it, and don't regret having our first baby at all.

You'll be fine. Congrats on the upcoming birth of your precious baby.

[dakotablue]

I know what you mean. I am defiantly feeling some guilt right now about conceiving.

I have PCOS, it took 2 years and then medication to become pregnant in the first place. DS is nursing and a HUGE boobie gremlin, I didn't think we needed to use anything. I knew there was a chance but it seemed like a shot in the dark.(hehe)

I want this baby (or babies), but I feel bad because

DS is only 9 months and needs to nurse
Dh is struggling with his job and adjusting to being Dad (stress wise, not love wise)
We wanted to try to get further out of debt and out of the city before then next.

I know that when this baby is born it will all be worth it. They were meant to be NOW. So just wanted to offer your not alone.

[aikigypsy]

DH and I had just met when I got pregnant. I was 36, and had been wanting a baby for something like 15 years, but there were a lot of practical hurdles to get over, like whose country we were going to live in and how. DD is 2.5 now, and we've lived with family or roommates almost the whole time since she was born. Our roommates claimed to like children, but they did not like it when our baby started crawling, bookshelf-emptying, paper-tearing, and generally being more chaotic than she was as a tiny baby.

Living with other people as a first time mother kind of sucks. I found it hard to relax and listen to my instincts and be really in tune with my baby when there were people looking on all the time, even though they didn't tell me how to do things most of the time. There were plusses, though -- shared meals, other adults to talk to when many new mothers are struggling with isolation, shared cleaning duties (not always a plus, and styles clashed, but still it could be nice). Maybe you need to find new roommates, if you can't find a place on your own.

Finally, tiredness and sleep deprivation are, for me, a fast track to despair, depression, discouragement. Take care of yourself, both now and after the baby is born, by getting as much sleep as you can manage, eating healthy, balanced foods, and getting outdoors regularly. Those are the basics, and I think it's very hard to overcome depression without a reasonably healthy lifestyle.

Do the best you can, and focus on the positive things. You're finally going to have a baby. That's HUGE!

[MaerynPearl]

I was homeless when I got pregnant with DS and his (and DDs) father and I had only just started dating a couple months before... granted we got a cheap (but not nice at all!) apartment shortly after we found out I was pregnant and we ended up eventually getting married...

I do not feel like I am a bad person for conceiving my DS and despite often having no money as of payday and having to live 2 weeks on nothing... (food provided by wic and very very smart shopping) my son has never NEEDED anything he has not gotten.

Same for my DD... despite me ending up a single parent when she was not even 2 years old and having to move back in with my mother... they never lacked anything... always had food, a roof over their heads and love...


Of course, now with baby #3 on the way and a new DH who is not only loving but also financially secure (not at all why I am with him but it makes life a little easier to boot) we have a very nice home, the kids have their own rooms and a toy room and toys to spare... but to be honest I think having lived through the times where I wondered how I would feed them for the next week and they NEVER got new toys when we went to the store actually helped them out more to understand that what we have now is a blessing and may not always be there!

[notAClue]

you are all so nice. Not that people have been saying mean things to me, but most people just don't say anything. It's hard getting "the looks" walking around school with the huge belly and all. And hot weather makes me lazy and depressed anyway...

I do feel better though. Thanks.

[MaerynPearl]

Who knows what those looks are?

I know women who are really well off who still go to school (or are even teachers!) and are pregnant!

Most people probably arent thinking what you are thinking they are... its a hard lesson Ive learned over the years but most people are not able to read your mind to know your exact situation...

So while I spent all of last year looking to the people in my town like a single mother living in public housing with no male around at all to help and no job...
And to the people I met outside of my town I just looked like a mother who was out alone with her kids, but was pretty well off...
I was a single mother living in public housing whose fiance was deployed to Iraq and worked at home on the computer.

I can only imagine what people started thinking earlier this year when I was in the same situation (but DH was stationed 1100 miles away) and I was pregnant!

[etsdtm99]

i just can't not say anything, even though i have nothing really new to say - you are not unfit! you are going to be a great mom and your baby only needs you! i've heard that depression in late pregnancy is pretty common, i've had a few friends who have had it pretty bad.. you might want to talk about that with your midwives and see if they have any recommendations, i'm sure your situation isn't making you feel any better, but it could be hormones too ..

[~Demeter~]

My husband is currently unemployed. In November I found out I was pregnant... and was shocked, devastated.. it was so the wrong time, I thought. Then in December, I miscarried and I was even more devastated. We didn't set out to purposely conceive so quickly after miscarrying but I knew in my heart that I wanted another.. hubby is still unemployed but we're making it somehow. It's probably not the right time and I know my family is not overly happy about it, no one is talking about the new baby really.. which is sad but oh well! Right? It'll be ok.. don't feel guilty. This is an amazing journey you are on and I can promise you the struggles you are facing right now won't last forever... and you'll be all the richer for having experienced the love of your child.

[COgirl19]

We got pregnant, unplanned when DH had no job, I had just started a new one, and now DH is going on being unemployed for a year with no prospects on the horizon. I am the only one working but it is a low-paying position. We have enough but not a lot. We are still thrilled to be expecting. My mom has made some comments but other than that no one has said anything and if they did they would get an earfull from me! You can make it work when it's your little one and it is nobody else's buisness what your situation OR fertility is. If you love and truly care about your children, having a less than ideal situation is not a big deal. In fact I think that is better than not caring about them at all and being "well off".

[pacifica]

Originally Posted by LSUtwinMama

DH and I were in a similar place in our lives as you when we had our twins- low paying jobs, lousy roommates, college loan debt... it was rough. There were a lot of nights of crying/freaking out about the future but honestly, once they were here, things *really* did just fall in to place.

It wasn't easy at all but it brought DH and I so much closer together.

Grats on your baby! *fingers crossed that your DH gets the promotion*

We had a very similar situation! Pregnant with twins, low paying jobs, party roommates, debt...and we worked everything out as well. Lots of times you cannot envision the future from your current position in life....it can change so drastically.

[maciascl]

May be it is just ment to be for you now even though it doesn't feel like the rihgt time. When we found out we were preg Dh had been out of work for 3 months (he is still out of work now ), we knew we were going to lose our house & have to file bankruptcy. Sometimes life just happens and we have to roll with it. There is not much else we can do.

I had horrible guilty feelings at first, as if it was my fault that I ovulated a week earlier than I always did. It took a VERY long time for me to get excited about this baby & I cried for almost the entire 1st half of my pregnancy. Now that we are in the last few weeks this are still scary but we are happy, we love this baby, and know that one way or another things will work out. This baby was just ment to be a part of our lives at this point, even though it feels like a very inappropriate time

[mtchen79]

I think your baby is lucky to be conceived by 2 loving parents who are committed to each other. Some situations may seem unideal i.e. financially, school and the roommates BUT you have this wonderful blessing ahead of you and if you and your DH are genuinely excited, then there should be no guilt. At least your DH has a stable job, which is hard to come by these days. As for school, well, school will always be around in the future if you decide to go back. And regarding the roommates, well, they may turn around to like kids or move out and you can get new roommates or have some time with no roommates which also wouldn't be so bad (unless you have to cover their rent).

I remember feeling depressed while preggo with my first, thinking I had pre-partum depression and why I hadn't heard more about this. Definitely talk to someone but know that it can be overwhelming to think about the responsibility of bringing a life into the world, however, you and your DH will love parenthood if you have both been wanting this all along. Sometimes the timing isn't the best, but really, when it comes to kids, there may never be a real perfect time to have them so enjoy them.

[GreenMomPhD]

Before I had any kids, I asked a friend with a newborn how he and his wife decided when to start a family. He said 'if you wait for the right time, you'll never have kids." That is so true! Usually, there isn't going to be the perfect time. Things may not be easy, but being a parent never is *easy*. As long as your child is loved and has their basic needs met, it will be ok. They will probably turn out to be better human beings if they have to deal with adversity and aren't spoiled anyways!

[CherryBomb]

I was 18 when I had my first. She's almost 9 now and we've always struggled with money and that kind of thing, but she's happy and I think she'd say we're good parents You'll be okay and so will your baby