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Friendship issues....I don't want any friends if it's like this

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I'm up at 3:30 am worrying about nonsense social stuff happening in my life.

I'm a stay at home mom, have been for the last 7 years. I'm not a super social person. I spent 5 years being sober due to pregnancy and extended breastfeeding and a couple of years ago I started drinking again with some mom friends that I have. We would hang out a lot. Then, I unexpectedly got pregnant in December and I'm sober again. Sooo, when I'm sober, I'm antisocial....when I'm pregnant and have a new baby, I'm antisocial. I don't want to hang out outside our normal social obligations. That being said, I've ended one of the friendships because she wanted to hang out too much, was calling all the time, and it just stressed me out having to find excuses as to why I didn't wanna hang out. Now, I have another friend calling and texting wanting to get the kids together to play. For 4 days now, I've texted excuses for not getting together and she's like, well how about tomorrow?!

I honestly just want to be left alone! I don't want to hang out....people stay too long when they come over. I keep thinking what I'm gonna text this friend back and say to stop asking so much. How do you politely do that?

I feel like I just shouldn't have friends. Ending the other friendship was a stressful thing for me and now I have another friend that causing me stress and I just want to yell, "leave me alone!". I guess I just totally suck at being a friend. Drinking alcohol does make me more social. If I'm not drinking though, I just don't want to be around other people besides family. Is that weird? If you've read this far, thank you. I would really love advice on this mdc! Does this sound super petty? For me, it causes me stress....I can't even sleep right now, because I'm thinking of what to text her back. This gal lives in my neighborhood....I can't just ignore really.
post #2 of 11
I really don't have much of a response other than I do tend to the antisocial, as well. There are many times that the idea of interaction with someone for hours at a playdate or in my kitchen is just too much. I'm honest about it-I tell people if I can't handle company, and honestly there are only one or two people I'm fine with visiting with or talking to regardless of my level of 'wanting to be left alone'. Other than that I get pretty anxious.
Alcohol helps me to be more social, too, but I'm sober now as well.
Well, are you going to miss this person if you cut them out? Do you think that this is just a period you are going through?
s
post #3 of 11
I have many "casual friends"/playdate friends, and honestly, if one of them told me she was pregnant and just needed to stay home and hunker down for awhile (like a year) it wouldn't end the friendship. Just be honest with your friends. You might be surprised at how understanding they are. If you are just telling them "not right now/not today" then you aren't being honest with them. What you need to say is "not this year"...but tell them why, that it's because of your soberness/pregnancy, and then let them make of it what they will.

post #4 of 11
I have a friend that was always wanting to come over and then WOULD NOT LEAVE. I would drop hints, I would tell her I needed to get dinner ready, that I needed to help the kids with their homeschool lessons, that DH was on his way home.. I didn't want to be rude and kick her out but she would stay for hours and hours.
Now I am very explicit about when, where and how long we can see each other. For example, is she wants to stop by I will say " I am free from 3 until 5. You can come over but you have to leave by 5 at the latest." Then beause I have told her my expectations, I don't feel bad for telling her it is time to leave. I do politely give her a 15 mintue warning

Otherwise, you can always tell people which days you are free and at what times, in order to stop the random texts and calls to make plans. It's ok to tell people that you don't like to be spontaneous most of the time, or that you prefer to have social days - such as playdates only on Monday afternoons or whatever - because the other days you do X, Y or Z or just like to be alone. Then if people don't respect that you can consider cutting them off.
post #5 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by PajamaMama View Post
I have many "casual friends"/playdate friends, and honestly, if one of them told me she was pregnant and just needed to stay home and hunker down for awhile (like a year) it wouldn't end the friendship. Just be honest with your friends. You might be surprised at how understanding they are. If you are just telling them "not right now/not today" then you aren't being honest with them. What you need to say is "not this year"...but tell them why, that it's because of your soberness/pregnancy, and then let them make of it what they will.



Unless you want it to end
post #6 of 11
Thread Starter 
Thank you both. Your words make me feel better and the advice is great. I will tell her. I have been saying not today type of things, but she knows I'm pregnant and she knows I ended another friendship because the gal wouldn't stop calling/texting/ wanting to get together. Well, I didn't end the friendship, it's just kinda on hold until I feel like hanging out again or whatever. I guess I need to be more direct with my feelings with this friend as well. Thanks Mama's! Being an introvert, the internet world has really helped me and it's a great way for me to be social without all the anxiety.....i love it! And FB keeps me in touch with friends in a way that's comfortable for me, so I love that as well. Thanks Mamas!
post #7 of 11
Thread Starter 
Plaid Leopard, I should put time limits when we have a playdate....because she stays so so long. My kids have even asked her when she's gonna go home, lol. The other day she road bikes over with her kid and I said I wasn't up for company and she said "I'll only stay 10 minutes".....well, bullsh*t, she was here for an hour, so that may or may not work for her.

I'm just amazed by the amount of pressure I get from friends....ugh.
post #8 of 11
Some people just need to hear the same thing ad nauseam before they finally understand that you are in a position where you just don't feel like having hours long get togethers with friends. Others just need it spelled out clearly the first time and don't catch on to subtle hints.

"I'm pregnant right now and don't really feel up to getting together" should be enough of an excuse.

P.S. You do have the right to not let someone in your home if they just dropped by unannounced.
post #9 of 11
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post

"I'm pregnant right now and don't really feel up to getting together" should be enough of an excuse.
Exactly!!!

And I have a hard enough time sticking out for myself and it's hard and frustrating for me to say it multiple times....it doesn't seem worth it to have friends, because of the stress it brings me.

I did tell her today that I didn't feel like being social right now and probably won't for at least a year after baby is born. I was the same way with my boys. I retreat and give myself fully to my baby and family life. She said she understands....but I'll see how much she calls/texts to get together. I'll believe it when I see a change.
post #10 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by PajamaMama View Post
You might be surprised at how understanding they are. If you are just telling them "not right now/not today" then you aren't being honest with them. What you need to say is "not this year"...but tell them why, that it's because of your soberness/pregnancy, and then let them make of it what they will.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Plaid Leopard View Post

Otherwise, you can always tell people which days you are free and at what times, in order to stop the random texts and calls to make plans.
and
post #11 of 11
If I were you I would be honest and I say I'm not feeling very social right now. I don't think that is too awful IMO.
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