Hard time bonding with new baby?

[whozeyermamma]

So I've been here before - it felt like ages before I really felt bonded with DD - but here I am again and upset at it all over again.

Of course I love the little guy but I don't have that gushy, mushy doe-eyed love for him that many new moms have with their newborns. I know it's normal and I know that I'll be head over heels for him soon - but it just kind of sucks and I hate it.

The funny thing is that it was exactly like this with DD - it took a good 2 maybe even 3 months to really feel bonded but then we were super attached - like wonderful, crazy mad in love attached - still are now. But in the depths of this now with DS - I worry that I just won't feel the same way for him as I do for her.

*sigh*

I'm going to talk to my shrink about it - and DH has been AMAZING - he's always asking me how I'm doing, checks in from work frequently, takes DS as much as possible so I can sleep (at night) or spend time with DD (during the day.) But it still stinks.

Anyone else?

[soso-lynn]

The problem is not with you but with the socially accepted standard of mother-infant instant bonding (which is a fairly new concept anyway).

If suddenly the standard for romantic relationships was love at first sight, most couples who took a longer time to get to know and like each other would feel inadequate and wonder was is wrong.

For me, instant bonding seems like an oxymoron.

[cadejaxellamom]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

The problem is not with you but with the socially accepted standard of mother-infant instant bonding (which is a fairly new concept anyway).

If suddenly the standard for romantic relationships was love at first sight, most couples who took a longer time to get to know and like each other would feel inadequate and wonder was is wrong.

For me, instant bonding seems like an oxymoron.

I totally agree!

[bdoody11]

I'm right there with you. It took my a few weeks to really bond with DD. The newborn schedule is just so relentless not to mention the upheaval that a new person brings to the family. I just needed time to sort everything out. Now, I can say that truly love her and can't imagine my life without her. Oh, and bonding happened much more quickly with DD#2 than DD#1- it will come.

[Mhorai]

Thanks so much for starting this thread. I have a 3 year old and I remember that with him it also took me a while to really feel bonded. I never was unhappy to have him, but I also didn't have the overwhelming "this is the best thing ever" feeling immediately. I remember someone asking me when he was a couple of weeks old what it was like to be a mom and I didn't really have an answer for them because I didn't feel like a mom. I mean I had a child who I was glad to have, but that whole "mom" identity didn't resonate with me. Now I am completely bonded to my 3 year old.

With my now almost 1 month old, it's slow going again. I'm not a big infant person. Again, I'm glad that we have her and I look forward to getting to know her in the months and years to come. I'm not overwhelmed by the rush of love that some people talk about though. Sometimes I worry about it but I'm trying to remember that it took a while with my son too and that in time I'm confident that I'll feel closer to my daughter as well.

Again, many thanks for starting the thread. It can be hard to say these things sometimes when society seems to expect that once you have a child you'll instantly love it more than anything. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in needing a bit more time with the transition on a feeling level.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

The problem is not with you but with the socially accepted standard of mother-infant instant bonding (which is a fairly new concept anyway).

If suddenly the standard for romantic relationships was love at first sight, most couples who took a longer time to get to know and like each other would feel inadequate and wonder was is wrong.

For me, instant bonding seems like an oxymoron.

I totally agree - there are some cultures for whom the "baby" isn't even NAMED for 2 years because they're seen as kind of liminal little creatures until then. A lot of us have our baby named before it's even born. There's a lot of pressure!

I bonded pretty fast with mine, but even so i take a casual attitude to it - i imagine i'm dating the baby, rather than married to it before it takes a breath. We definitely end up "married", but it's via a nice unpressured discovering of one another, and not a veritable pressure-cooker of expectation. Hang in there mama, you are NORMAL!