Just when you think you know someone (long)...

[GreenGranolaMama]

...You find out that in the event that their girls had been boys (or there are any future boys), they would have been/will be circumcised, hands down, no question.

DS and I go to play group at the local library every Friday. There is a nice mix of mainstream, crunchy, and everything in between. It's a super fun time for Mamas and babies and I look forward to socializing every week. So this last week, one of the Mamas announced that she is pregnant and will be due in January. She does not know the sex and wants to find out so she can 'plan' accordingly. She currently has a little girl and confessed that she is nervous about potentially having a boy as she 'knows nothing about them' and wants to research.

I asked her if she was planning on circumcising and she said she didn't know, how did I feel.

Without ANY question, I said I would NEVER EVER circumcise my son. EVER. It is his body. Period.

And then the crickets started to chirp... and all eyes in the room were on me and my DS (14mo).

Then the others started to chime in with "Well I did it so my boys could look like their dad..." and "I did it because caring for an intact penis would be too complicated" and "I would do it because I know grown men who have had it done later in life..." GAH! Everyone was either pro circ or on the fence. I was the only one against it in the entire room

And this would have been a perfect opportunity to tell them everything I know about the reasons not to circ and why DH and I feel so strongly about it... (loss of sensation, body integrity, major surgery, potential loss of blood/ death, NO MEDICAL REASON... etc...)

And I froze. Completely. I was too scared

One of the pro circ Moms even went on to say that her DD had an issue with her labia and they proscribed an antibiotic to treat it BUT at the same time she was suggesting that at the first sign of trouble/ infection of the foreskin that it be removed completely?????!!! This makes no sense!

I am so ashamed of myself. I just listened and didn't say anything. Things are SO much easier on line because I can organize my thoughts w/o fear but I get nervous in public sometimes.

Has this ever happened to anyone else???? Any pointers for (if there happens to ever be) a next time???

[MommytoB]

We just have too look at the mom's who are more pro-circ as in misinformed and it is kind of hard to feel like you want to educate them when there are alot of mom's that were more thinking alike it can make you wonder how can I be able to share my point of view without coming out like I'm criticizing those mom's who did it ?

Next time it comes up or if it ever does again just say I heard doctors didn't know much about foreskin functions so when they thought there was a problem they circ'ed the kids later but now some doctors realize the once foreskin problems were not actually problems so many boys who got circ later it was not needed he didn't have to be circumcised .

If you change his diaper in front of them show them here how it is easy to clean a intact penis wipe and go .

You may get responses like aren't you supposed to retract the foreskin and clean under .

I remember my aunt saying don't forget to retract and clean under the foreskin I said that used to be recommended but now doctors realize its still attached so you just wipe and go .

Also share that forcible retraction can be a cause of alot of actual foreskin and state that most of this world has a foreskin with no issues but it's only USA lack of foreskin knowledge in the medical field because all they know is to cut off foreskin so you have to look around for a doctor who knows alot about foreskin

[ElliesMomma]

i agree that it's always easier to discuss online, and that it's so much easier to say do this say that, than it actually is, especially in a group like that.

one thing i would suggest is that you keep your eyes on the prize -- in this case, the prize is educating that one mom who is expecting. as for the others, they have already made their choices, and the damage is already done. you don't have to convince them... only the one whose baby might be right now growing his little foreskin.

if i were you, i would consider approaching the pregnant mom one on one sometime when it seems like a good, natural time, like, when you two have a private moment somehow. or else ask for her email address and send her some written information and/or links.

she is going to need this kind of help to counter all of the misinformed messages she got as a result of the initial conversation during playgroup!

follow through on what you started, momma! don't give up. good luck!! let us know how the next conversation goes.

[Night_Nurse]

Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama

...I am so ashamed of myself. I just listened and didn't say anything.

Please don't feel ashamed. I'm proud of you. You spoke up and planted seeds! You don't have to list every single reason for keeping a boy intact to plant a seed. You have given both those who are on the fence and those who are pro-circ something to think about. Plus, I think some parents choose to circ because they think all other boys are. Now your circle of friends know an intact boy and they might feel more comfortable leaving their future boys intact. The pregnant mama also knows she can come to you if she has any questions. When she gets further along in her pregnancy, if you feel comfortable doing so, you can ask her if she has questions as you have parented an intact boy and know how easy it is. Heck, I think it's fine to tell any pregnant mama to come visit the entire Mothering Forum. There is so much good info to learn here.
Sometimes it's easy to dwell on the negative and blame ourselves on what we "should-have". But think of the great, positive thing you did - you spoke out! When the pregnant mama is researching it, she will definitely think of you and remember that you spoke out. Be happy about that!

[billikengirl]

Originally Posted by Night_Nurse

Please don't feel ashamed. I'm proud of you. You spoke up and planted seeds! You don't have to list every single reason for keeping a boy intact to plant a seed. You have given both those who are on the fence and those who are pro-circ something to think about. Plus, I think some parents choose to circ because they think all other boys are. Now your circle of friends know an intact boy and they might feel more comfortable leaving their future boys intact. The pregnant mama also knows she can come to you if she has any questions. When she gets further along in her pregnancy, if you feel comfortable doing so, you can ask her if she has questions as you have parented an intact boy and know how easy it is. Heck, I think it's fine to tell any pregnant mama to come visit the entire Mothering Forum. There is so much good info to learn here.
Sometimes it's easy to dwell on the negative and blame ourselves on what we "should-have". But think of the great, positive thing you did - you spoke out! When the pregnant mama is researching it, she will definitely think of you and remember that you spoke out. Be happy about that!

I agree with this. Even if you weren't prepared to take on a whole room of people, you can be a resource for this mama (and your DH for her partner which can be a critical thing).

I like to loan out my copy of What Your Doctor May NOT Tell You About Circumcision, then they can read what I may fumble trying to say.

[Pirogi]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

one thing i would suggest is that you keep your eyes on the prize -- in this case, the prize is educating that one mom who is expecting. as for the others, they have already made their choices, and the damage is already done. you don't have to convince them... only the one whose baby might be right now growing his little foreskin.

if i were you, i would consider approaching the pregnant mom one on one sometime when it seems like a good, natural time, like, when you two have a private moment somehow. or else ask for her email address and send her some written information and/or links.

I agree. I was in a similar situation once, where I hadn't been asked about circumcision, but it came up in the course of conversation. I was the only person there who hadn't/wouldn't circ, and I sat and said nothing to the mother expecting a son. I later caught up with her and talked with her about the issue. She circ'd anyway, but I got the information to her, and she was the only one potentially open to it at the time anyway.

Don't beat yourself up. If not for you, there would have been no dialogue at all!

[jessjgh1]

I think your convincing calm statement and then the shock and surprise might have made an impact, too. Don't be so hard on yourself....
You will always be the one voice that will confirm everything this mother hears on the intact side. Perhaps she will seek you out or you will have a chance to talk to her more.
It would be fair and truthful to say you were completely shocked to hear the statements by the others in the group, especially since you know several things to be mistruths/myths (ie so hard to clean).

Good luck momma!

Jessica

[jenP]

Maybe have some good pamphlets ready for next week. Some mothers may now be curious and might have questions. Having pamphlets can be easier than trying to speak on the spot, plus it is non-confrontational. And the mom-to-be may be open to taking one, too.
Good luck.
I know it is shocking to find out people you thought were friends actually have no concern for human rights. Well, most times they are just not informed, but then there are those who are WELL informed and do it anyway because "I like the way it looks;" those are the ones I refer to as not being concerned with human rights.

Jen

[annablue]

Originally Posted by jenP

Well, most times they are just not informed, but then there are those who are WELL informed and do it anyway because "I like the way it looks;" those are the ones I refer to as not being concerned with human rights.

Yeah; a lot of people are just uninformed and do believe there are health benefits, but it's the ones who know better but do it for personal cosmetic preference that anger me.

[ElliesMomma]

Originally Posted by annablue

Yeah; a lot of people are just uninformed and do believe there are health benefits, but it's the ones who know better but do it for personal cosmetic preference that anger me.

and, really, ewww to the "way it looks" circumcised, especially on a baby. why is that considered attractive? same reason i guess a circumcised vulva is considered attractive in "primitive" cultures.

male circumcision is really quite primitive, too, isn't it?