Food Battle with a 12 year old

[47jennifer]

I can't even believe I'm posting this situation, but here goes. My 12 year old brother is visiting from California. I have a 1 year old DS, so I'm not really in parenting a pre-teen mode at all! Anyways, we made this dish yesterday for lunch that he decided he didn't like. Which would be fine, but he spit on it (by accident as he was laughing). I was dealing with ds, but my dh told him at that point that he had to finish this food since he spit on it.

So, I went to nap with the baby...and two hours later they are at the table, the food has been cut up and watered down and is now a soup. Uneaten.

We went out to a sports event with extended family at night, so he ate there. But, so far today dh has insisted he eat it. My brother is not giving in. I was out for the day, and a small amount of "soup" got eaten, but we're about to eat dinner now and it looks like my brother will not be eating...

It seems ridiculous! But dh doesn't want to give in at the point. We think it's important for him to respect what we (and others) give him to eat and not to waste resources. We are fine if he doesn't like it, but once he spit on it, no one else can eat it. But is this crazy? Can we give it up yet? How?

Tomorrow he goes to a camp and I have to send him with food. What do I give him to eat??

[eclipse]

I think it's ridiculous, and not a very nice way for your husband to treat a guest in your house.

[Annie Mac]

He's a guest in your home. Would you do this if he were an adult? It's just not your place to teach him to eat everything on his plate. I would simply drop it. Throw out the soup. Feed him dinner, pack his lunch tomorrow and don't mention it again. Yes, it's a waste. Yes, it's annoying. But I don't think it's the hill you want to die on, is it? Of course, if he *habitually* takes food and doesn't eat it, I would talk to him about it, but I would be very hesitant to get into what is essentially a power play with a twelve year old.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by eclipse

I think it's ridiculous, and not a very nice way for your husband to treat a guest in your house.

Yeah this. Also it's very controlling behavior for your DH. I'd be concerned over his ability to treat your own child with respect.

[SilverFish]

are you serious? it was an accident. this is not your kid, (not that this would be a good idea if it were your kid!) he is a guest in your house. put your foot down and tell your husband to stop being an a**hole and give the poor kid some real food.

[chfriend]

Overrule your husband. Now.

Or call your mom and let her know how you are treating her son.

Go feed your brother.

And don't allow him to visit again until your husband has recovered his senses.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Overrule your husband. Now.

Or call your mom and let her know how you are treating her son.

Go feed your brother.

And don't allow him to visit again until your husband has recovered his senses.

to the whole thing. I can't believe you actually allowed this to happen in the first place.

I'd start working now with your husband on his issue with control, before he starts treating your children similarly.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by chfriend

Overrule your husband. Now.

Or call your mom and let her know how you are treating her son.

Go feed your brother.

And don't allow him to visit again until your husband has recovered his senses.

Absolutely. Actually, I'm appalled that you let it happen in the first place. Had my husband tried to pull that kind of stunt there would have been a very clear discussion about the fact that that abusive, degrading, controlling behavior would not be a part of my household.

[MusicianDad]

Another vote for ridiculous. It really does sound more like a power trip than about not wasting food. You need to let your husband know that you won't tolerate him treating anyones child that way.

[happysmileylady]

Seriously?

I get that he "spit" on it and now you have to throw it away. Sort of.

But it's not like he did it on purpose, he's 12 yrs old, and he's not even your kid.

And cut up, watered down and now a "soup" GROSS!

I can't believe that ANYONE in that house let something like that continue.

[Funny Face]

to what everyone else already said.

[liliaceae]

Completely, utterly ridiculous. And mean.

[heartmama]

I'd have picked off the spit as best I could and eaten the rest. He's your brother. Does he have a contagious disease?

That nagging feeling you have that something is wrong about your husband's response, means something is wrong. If you listen to that feeling, and stop yourself from going down a path that makes you feel that way, it is one of the simplest ways to make sure you are always working within a gentle discipline framework.

Now go over-rule your husband and feed your brother.

[To-Fu]

My parents did things like this to me when I was young and didn't want to eat for whatever reason. I am still dealing with the repercussions from that today.

Please don't pull a power trip on your brother over food! It's a control issue, not a food issue. It's okay to say you're sorry and give him something to eat (it'd be nice if the apology came from your husband). It's not like he spat on purpose, and what's left of the food now to eat sounds beyond disgusting. I second the notion that if you wouldn't treat another adult that way, then this is no way to treat your brother--especially since he's not your kid!

Hope we hear from you again and things resolve peacefully.

[TCMoulton]

He's 12 - feed him immediately and pack him a lunch that you know he will eat. If you are unable to do this then please let him go home so that he doesn't have to starve.

[moondiapers]

Not only is it abusive, but he's not even your kid. It's not you or your husband's place to discipline him. By the time he's 12 all he needs to know is that if he isn't decently behaved when he visits, the visit is over. Consequences further than that are up to your mom.

[terrordactyl]

:

[Drummer's Wife]

I can't imagine making anyone eat anything - and now that it is soup and a day later? Really crazy. I feel bad for the kid.

It's okay to not eat something you don't want to. It's okay if food goes to waste sometimes. I know some people are big on not wasting any food, and that's fine, but in this situation if it's such a big deal than your DH should eat it instead of tossing it.

Since he's your brother, you need to stand up for him. What if your DH was insisting this with your own kids?

Tomorrow you send him some fresh, good food (whatever he likes) to camp. Sheesh.

[~savah~]

Your post makes me so sad, I really don't even know what to say. It is really wrong that your husband is power tripping on your 12 yo brother like this and imo even worse that you are allowing him to do so. This incident may very well set the tone for how your children will be raised. Would you really want your child to be treated like this?

[mamadebug]

It sounds like a situation that got way out of hand. I think it is not ridiculous, but abusive and controlling. What the kid did was accidental (even if it wasn't, this would not be an appropriate response). Does your husband not ever make mistakes? Does he have to pay in such a gross and humiliating way when he does?

I say dump the soup and feed the kid. I don't even know what to think about your husband....