Food Battle with a 12 year old - Page 3

[Ruthla]

IMO, your DH is completely out of line. Throw out the "soup", feed your brother, and tell your DH not to do this again. You cannot win a battle of wills over food, ever. The only times I've ever pulled the "eat this or eat nothing else" is with toddlers or preschoolers who have been repeatedly pushing buttons about food and have already gotten into a pattern of wastefulness (generally if the child was warned not to take too much then takes more anyway.) And then it's only for the one meal.

This was HIGHLY innapropriate to ever do to a preteen, and it went on far too long. If your DH was in a pattern of doing this all the time it would be controlling or abusive- but if this is an isolated incident then it sounds more like he got himself into a power struggle and didn't know how to get out of it. I visualized the two of them acting like a couple of toddlers with no adult intervention.

When it first happened, I would have told DH to stop that immediately, before rushing off to get the baby to nap. Personally, I would have no problem eating food that only got a little spit on it, especially if it was from a family member. But some people are more squeamish about that than others, and then the small amount of food should have simply and quietly been discarded. My reaction would have been to put the leftovers away in a separate container from the uneaten leftovers (since saliva can make food go bad more quickly) and eaten the leftovers myself for another meal.

It sounds like both you and your DH need some guidance in "parenting preteens" in general. You need to set appropriate limits and enforce them- but avoid power struggles. Sit down with your brother and your DH and discuss what's expected at mealtimes, and what consequences should be if rules are forgotten or broken. If the 3 of you figure out the rules together, you can probably come up with fair and reasonable solutions- not just for the table but for all house rules. Explain to your brother that you're both still learning how to parent big kids, and mistakes will happen, but let's try to learn from those mistakes and move forward.

It's important to let the older child have some say in the process (he's 12, not 1) but still the adults get to make the final decisions and do the enforcement later (he's 12, not 20).

[jellop]

OP, right now, I don't think you need to worry about discipline with your brother. You said he's had no limits or anything at his parents. Right now just chill and hang with him, show him how he's expected to behave by example, and just try talking and explaining things when there's issues.

Also, and I mean this as no insult, but familiarize yourself with normal teenage behavior.

[lalaland42]

1. It is rude to make a big deal out of someone accidentally spitting. Talk about shaming.

2. Of course he is going to agree with you, he is hoping you will take him in.

3. It sounds like you are the one with issues from your mom's wastefulness.

4. Get a book on normal preteen behavior.

nak

[savithny]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I think some things are getting confused here. I understand not wanting to waste food. I understand wanting kids (and the adults who model......) to be respectful. I agree with that; I really do. However....

The spitting was an ACCIDENT. Accident. As in not on purpose. If you dropped something and it broke should that action be given the same response as if you threw it against the wall as hard as you could?

If he spit in the food because he didn't like it, I'd send him away from the table; meal over for him - but the next meal would be starting fresh with new food and a clear expectation of the choices we have if something we don't like is served.

If he spit in the food accidentally while laughing, and it is just me, my dh and him eating, I'd do what another poster said and throw away the top portion and continue.

And good to learn now, before your dc is any older - food issues are a losing battle. NEVER get into a battle over food. It isn't worth it and you will lose.

Let everyone (adults and kids) serve up their own portions, or serve them just a tiny portion if you aren't sure they 1) like it or 2) are that hungry.

A certain amount of food gets wasted. It just does. Try to keep it to a minimum but don't freak out if it happens.

I absolutely think you should deal with rude behavior swiftly. But unfairly punishing a kid for an ACCIDENT is not ok. And I am really sad for that kid that this situation is the better of his options. I am sure you love him, but your husband is not being kind. I am not even GD, and even I think he is being way over the top.

YOU need to have a calm sit down talk with your dh about how you guys will handle stuff like this in the future.

this has much wisdom in it.

My oldest is 10 now. Some days he'll eat a ton and go looking for more. Other days he won't. things he said he liked yesterday are his new enemytoday.

My answer?

1) Small portions until he finishes them. I never load up his plate. He may say he's hungry, but he gets half a chicken breast and a small scoop of side dishes. When he finishes one of his servings he can ask for seconds of it.

2) We ask that he tries a bite of each food (we don't serve him foods he truly hates; I think everyone has the right to have a few things that make them go :gack:. We don't force him, and we never, ever, require him to clean his plate.

3) We accept that sometimes he may not feel like eating what we've prepared at all.

4) We accept that trying to control someone's appetite or taste buds is a losing battle, one in which we will lose face, lose a connection with our son, and in the end NOT produce a child who has a sensible attitude towards food.

5) We figure at least our uneaten foods return to the earth via compost!

[SleeplessMommy]

My 2 cents - have him help with food preparation, even gardening if he is with you longer term. kids are more enthusiastic eating what they have helped to make.

50 years ago, it was common to force kids to "clean the plate". not really a good idea since we have an epidemic of obesity in this country, etc.

Small servings is the way to go.

[Ravensong13]

I've dealt with having a preteen brother as a house guest before. It can be hard dealing with rude behavior, but I just went the way of telling him how I'd like him to act and then left it up to our mother to talk to him when he kept being disrespectful of my home.
I know now I won't be having my little brother over to stay without my mom because he can't really handle being a good guest and I don't want to put that kind of strain on our relationship. It all boiled down to the fact that I am his sister, NOT his mom. I do not think it's really your dh's place to get controlling about food, especially for something that seems like an accident. What's more important at this point, your dh winning the battle or your brother ever wanting to stay at your house again??

[poppan]

Originally Posted by 47jennifer

I guess I'll clarify. I'm feeling stressed as my brother wants to live with us full time. There has been a series of other rude/angry/obnoxious behaviours that I'm trying to manage. I don't like my son being exposed to rude teenager behaviours. I'm confused about my role...I don't want to be parent, but he's here for 5 weeks and possibly forever. I don't know how to deal with a teenager...it was an "accident"...so not entirely. I don't care if he eats food or not, but I'd prefer a "no thank you".

It sounds like you have undercurrents of other things going on. I know I would feel pretty conflicted if taking physical custody of my 12-year-old brother were on the table. You have your own life with your pretty new baby and maybe you are envisioning having more children as well. It would be a big change to add your little brother to your household and be responsible for him and parent him too. But on the other hand it sounds like you know your mother's house is not a good situation for him and you love your brother and want to do what's best for him. I can imagine that this big white elephant in the room is adding stress to everything for all of you.

Anyway I don't have advice but I just wanted to acknowledge this undercurrent because I think it's playing into the whole thing and escalating what you and/or your DH might have otherwise let go of.

[ssh]

You and your DH should read Kids Parents Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber. The first one is more GD parenting but the second is really useful too. You should probably have a family meeting and talk about how you and your DH don't know much about dealing with older kids. Then your DH should apologize about the food incident and the three of you should have a discussion about possible house rules for everyone and what 'rude behavior' means to everyone. Your brother could have a different idea about what is rude and isn't rude than your DH. Discussing the incidents you feel were rude, angry or obnoxious behaviors could help avoid more incidents. All ages have their own group of normal annoying behaviors. You've noticed your DS likes throwing his food. Preteen and early teen years can be a difficult age to be and live with. Having open and mutually respectful dialog can really help make it easier for everyone. Having a weekly family meeting could help you deal with stuff as it comes up. During the preteen and teen years, a child who feels the rules are fair is more likely to follow them. Also having input on what the rules need to be will help your brother follow them. Teaching manners is best done by modeling, so if you and your DH use thank you, please, your welcome, etc. and you tell your brother that you try to use verbal manners as a family he will slowly get in the habit of using polite words too. If he's not used to being treated respectfully it will take awhile for him to learn how to treat people appropriately.

I agree food isn't a discipline issue. Also to control waste, each person getting their own very small portion of food and then getting seconds or thirds should help. You could also have a designated place for snack foods or label stuff that is for meals so there's no conflict about someone eating stuff you need to make dinner. For example in our house a can of beans or raw carrots are usually fair game, but sometimes they are part of homemade chili dinner that night or maybe stew.

[maria22000]

he is 12 right? Cook with him, teach him about food, preparation, preservation. Make it fun, let him experiment. They don't want food pushed down their throats at that age, they want some responsibility. He may actually get a kick out of making a whole meal on night a week. If he doesn't go for it, make some of part of the living agreement, step by step. But stay out of power struggles. Even when you win, you didn't win.

Good luck!

[SilverFish]

sorry if the replies sounded harsh, but this is the internet, and we only have your words to go on. the scenario you provided us with seemed pretty terrible, so we responded to that.

obviously the situation is much more complex than you let on before, and I'm going to agree with the PPs... you need to think about and deal with the undercurrents before overreacting to the surface issues.

i know how pre-teen boys can be and i can understand how an "accident" can not really be an accident at all, but something that's made to look that way to push your buttons. i'm a middle school teacher and i've seen it happen... a kid "bumping" into someone, "accidentally" farting/burping, etc. it's almost always best to pretend that you think these are really accidents (unless they're actively harmful) because otherwise you get into a power struggle over whether something was on purpose or not.

if you do decide to keep your brother with you, you'll have much bigger problems than whether he eats his food or not. simplify your expectations of him, and focus on the important stuff. you and your DH really need to discuss what things to let go, and what to keep.