Eating Disorder Recovery

[gerlassie]

This Group was started because of interest in a post about Eating Disorders. It is intended to be a positive environment for those of us in recovery and or living with various forms of Eating Disorders. However, it is not to encourage or glamorize, offer tips or medical advice about weight loss or dieting.

[gerlassie]

I'm 43 and mom to three Little Ones ages 9,5 and 2. I have been battling with Overeating/Binge Eating for almost 30 years. I have finally reached a point in my life where I know that I need to end this self distructive behavior. I have been in and out of counseling for years and treated for depression but coming to terms with my food issues is much harder to admit. This is very personal, embarrassing and I carry a great deal of shame much more that anything else I've shared in private therapy. Food has so much control over me that at times I'm unable to know when I'm full let alone stop eating.

[litanyagainstfear]

Thank you for starting this thread/tribe, and thank you so much for sharing your own situation. I know how difficult it is and I hope you find all the support and help you need.

I am currently in treatment for a mood disorder, as well as for ED issues, which have been part of my life for almost ten years. Even so, it took many weeks for me to bring up my ED behavior in my therapy sessions. This is the first time, except for a brief period when I was a teenager, that I've been in treatment. I am a 25 year old married mother of one DS (2), and have been binging and purging since high school. I have been dieting since I was 8 or 9, and in high school I couldn't take it anymore and turned to bulimia/purging in order to "control" food (of course, I was really out of control) and lose weight. I am a chronic over-eater, and started purging after my binges, and then when I started to get really obsessed with weight loss, I purged after regular meals as well. I then started abusing diet pills. However, because I was getting thinner and receiving attention, I felt like ends justified the means. My body has still not recovered from the damage I did.

As an older teen/young adult, I ended up using alcohol to numb the guilt (I felt incredibly shallow and stupid all the time), and wound up in the hospital with near-fatal alcohol poisoning. Still, that wasn't enough of a low -- and though I was eventually able to stop the alcohol problem without professional help (that said, I recommend anyone out there dealing with an alcohol/drug dependence issue to seek out the help you deserve!), I haven't totally ever been able to stop the binge and purge compulsion.

While it's certainly nothing to be proud of, I know now that I eat because I have a hard time feeling/expressing emotions. I eat and eat as avoidance, and then I purge because I'm scared to gain more weight, plus purging tends to make me tired, so I can avoid dealing with myself even more that way. Anyway, that's the outline of my story. I would also like to add that I have an amazing DH, without whom I would likely not be in the treatment I now realize I so seriously need.

[gerlassie]

Thank you "Litany". I've been suffering in silence for years and sometimes the loneliness of dealing with an eating disorder causes additional pain. I learned a lot about myself and my parents during my first round of therapy which explained ( but not justified ) my self-destructive behaviors and substance abuse that controlled my early adult years. The only problem with drinking is that it's harder to hide. most people figure that one out pretty quickly.

Dragging unresolved issues into my first marriage caused me to have a nervous breakdown then during my "recovery process" I discovered that my (now) ex-husband was having an affair with a girl almost 40 years his junior. That slapped me right back to my love/hate relationship with foods...because food was the only thing I could control in my life. Besides, as far as I was concerned food didn't judge me, call me names and was always there for me in good or bad times.

I spent a lot of time alone as a child. My mother was quite busy with her own life and I think that contributed to many destructive and mentally abusive relationships that plagued me for years. One thing I can honestly admit is that I have never entertained thoughts of suicide.

Anyway, having been medicated in the past I really just want to try avoiding that route again. I don't know, maybe I'm someone who needs medication but I want to really try to deal with the roots of my issues with a clear head. This approach is probably a more painful process but I've always had a "crutch" in the past and when I stop the meds the desire to continue the secret behaviors is still there.

Sadly, I know that I'm not alone but eating disorders is such a hard subject to bring up. It's just too painful. Me, I'm a closet eater and I hide food ( overeating/binge-purge). I had times when I have consumed so much foods that I have become physically ill before I was ready. Only to continue the vicious cycle. My only hope is that those of us who are struggling can have a positive and safe place to come and gain the strength "we" need to recover.

[litanyagainstfear]

While I am so sorry the circumstances in your life led you to ED, I very much admire your resolve to get down to the core of your issues! That is definitely an important initial step to lasting recovery.

Choosing whether or not to utilize medications is a complex and highly personal decision. For me, it's less about relying on them as a fix for a problem, and more about using them to get me to a headspace where I am capable of fixing myself in therapy. I know I personally do not consistently think clearly about my behavior and my ED; now, with the right medication, I am more consistent. I hope to get to a place someday where I can wean myself off of meds -- and not increasing dosages if I can help it, etc.

I have been attempting to find the right mix of medications for almost a year, with some disastrous results. I was way over-medicated by my first treatment center, and they kept increasing doses and choosing more and more hard to handle combinations until I had to leave altogether and seek treatment elsewhere. I landed in the ER many, many times because of reactions to the drugs. I became pretty hesitant to try new meds at all, but my new treatment center discovered that I am incredibly sensitive to drugs, and I now use "child size" doses of my medication (and they only have me on one daily med, with a script for anxiety attacks that I use only in the most necessary circumstances). Honestly, things have been up and down -- the medication helps stabilize the extremity, but I do the real work. If I stop working at recovery, the meds keep me from hitting the low-lows of self harm, but not from succumbing to depression.

[gerlassie]

Yea, it's so hard sometimes and I too understand how the adjustment to meds can be. Once I had such a horrible time stopping Paxil that I was in bed with flu like symptoms for almost a week. I'm just trying to avoid that disconnected feeling again. But we'll see how that goes.

I did well today working through some tough "triggers" and fielding a painful conversation with my mom. I always end our calls feeling very sad and lonely and my first response it to reach for the cookie jar so to speak. I'm doing my best to stay strong and hope that everyone else is too.

Thanks "Litany"!

[litanyagainstfear]

I'm so glad to hear you had a good day!

[Pariah]

I would also like to add that I have an amazing DH, without whom I would likely not be in the treatment I now realize I so seriously need.

Same here, with my boyfriend. He's the one who put the gentle but necessary pressure on me which I am grateful for.

[Turquesa]

OK, my turn to be confused. I thought that our tribe was located in the Mental Health section. I didn't get why there wasn't a lot of activity over there, then it finally occurred to me to look here! The mods will probably end up moving this back to Mental Health, but honestly, I don't care where it is so long as we have it. I'm so happy to find some support.

[almadianna]

hello mamas. I have moved this to personal growth.

[litanyagainstfear]

Originally Posted by Turquesa

I'm so happy to find some support.

When I was looking around the boards I saw the post in Mental Health, then soon after the new thread on the Tribes section, so I just started in there.

[gerlassie]

I was wondering what happened. Anyway, I guess this is our new home. LOL!!!

I'm doing my best to resist my junk food urges but the weekend is approaching and as always my strengths will be tested. I'm feeling pretty good and really trying to work on my weak points and focus on being healthy for my kids.

I've been following OA through their daily outreach but I'm not subscribing to their online meetings and still don't have the courage to do a face-face group. I did get an OA book from the library and have just about finished it. I see a common thread between the readings and my life and I'm trying to use their basic principals of abstinance. It's a test of wills but I'm feeling stronger each day as the urges to binge seem to be fading. It's been 5 days without a can of soda!!! That's great for me since I can easily down a 6 pack between lunch and dinner.

[BRmama]

Hi, can I join? I too have an ED that I feel sooo ashamed about. I'm also extremely shy , even for threads like this. I was lurking in the health forum where the tribe was and found that it got moved here. So I hope I'm posting in the right place This ed is a burden I've carried most of my life. I thought about doing a guest account and getting support that way but I figured I'm not alone which makes me somewhat happy but nevertheless I'd never wish this on anyone. I have a couple of ED's, I'm annorexic and I have a condition known as pica which comes with my ocd. I'm just now getting help for my eds and have been diagnosed with major depression and ocd. I'm five months pregnant and trying really hard not to go back to it. People look at me and say "you look great for being five months", but they don't realize the damage that I've done to my body. I'm keeping my ed's under control but some days are really hard. I hope you can all accept me.

I just recently found out that my ocd is treatable. Growing up I was more reprimanded by my parents to not do or repeat all of my behaviors as far as the ocd and annorexia goes. However because of all the traumatic events in my life it's really hard not to. Now my mom blames herself for my problems but I know it's not her fault. She did the best she could being a single parent.

I also do have an awesome dh who just now is starting to understand what I'm going through. However he didn't in the beginning and because of that we have gone through some really bad times. I'm just thankful that he's never been judgemental. Like I mentioned I have severe depression so everything for me is a hurdle I have to jump through and I can see how it can be perceived as laziness but with that comes the ed's.

I just want to get better. I'm not taking any meds because of my baby and I refuse to. As a result I've had to look for another therapist. As soon as I have him, then yeah I'm opened to find the right mix out there for me. I think that with therapy it could be a road to recovery. I'm far away from that road but I just wish I could grasp it. I do like my new therapist though.

[gerlassie]

Hi BRmama! I hope you'll find comfort in knowing you're not alone. I appreciate that there are other moms out there ( on here ) who have listened and not judged me or anyone else, Welcome!

[Pariah]

I hope you can all accept me.

BRmama, of course!!

[litanyagainstfear]

Welcome BRmama! I am so excited to hear you are taking the steps toward recovery. It took me almost a year of intense trial and error to find a system (a mixture of meds and weekly therapy with the right person) that works for me. After almost ten years struggling with binging, purging, and bulimia, I can happily say I haven't done any of those behaviors in a couple of weeks.

As far as meds/therapy go, I'm of the opinion that therapy alone can be a huge help to most folks. Sometimes, as in my case, meds are necessary, but I look forward to the day that I can wean off of them.

[BRmama]

Thank you everyone for the welcomes. I really appreciate them. I feel like this is one step closer to recovery though irl it's only between my therapist and my dh and I.

I'm so embarrassed to even talk about it. My 17 mo ds and my unborn son are the reason I'm doing this, also I guess for myself as well. I just want to set an example for them.

Speaking of meds, are there any safe ones that I could take while bf? I mean in general? Litanyagainstfear I hope that day comes for you. I'm sooo excited for this support thread! Thanks Gerlassie for making it.

[AFWife]

I was bulimic from roughly 2000-2005...from ages 13-18 (with a brief slip-up when I was about 19)

To this day food is hard to handle when I get stressed out. I either lose my appetite totally or want to eat everything in sight until I'm stuffed sick.

I also started cutting in 2000...that's something I have yet to totally kick. The longest I've been able to go was one month shy of 2 years...and last Dec I lost control and ended my run. So, right now, I'm 7 months no self injury.


I haven't read the responses so forgive me if I repeat stuff.


It's hard to really talk about. I don't mind talking to DH because he always wanted to listen and learn more about what went on in my head...it actually helped me recover because then *I* was able to work through things.

I don't have a problem saying, "Oh, I used to have an ED." I don't do details, though. THAT is hard. It's even harder to discuss the SI because I haven't really licked it yet. (And I don't know that I ever will...when I get upset my first thought is to hurt myself)

I love that we can come talk here. It's refreshing.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hello mamas. I've been searching for a tribe such as this one on MDC for a while now. Can I join in?

I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I know I've struggled with my body image for the better part of my life. When I was a teen, I started dancing ballet more seriously and a year into my training, the lady who ran the studio started praising the girls who were thinner (i.e. had lost their baby fat); the girls all started starving themselves or purging in the bathroom before class. I was pretty skinny but having done competitive downhill skiing, I had a rather muscular lower body. I thought "big legs and butt = need to lose weight". For years, I tried to cut portions, exercising a lot, and skipping meals...because I wanted so much to look like those stick thin dancers.

To be honest, I wasn't a very successful anorexic because I was never able to get my weight down to below 103 lbs.

In my late 20s, I was involved with some seriously unhealthy people and I started cutting myself. It made me so ashamed but felt so good at the same time. It took some serious therapy and lots of struggling to throw away my "implements" and stop cutting. Sadly, I was involved with my then-abusive-bf, and my cutting turned into more starving. I was actually quite proud to be 105 lbs. Ick.

Eventually, with some counselling and a more "normal" life away from messed up people, I started to figure out that a healthy diet and exercise were a better alternative than starvation. I still workout out a lot on top of dancing, but I did things like the Zone diet, and those protein only diets.

When I got preggo with DD, I had MASSIVE morning sickness to the point of not being able to function at all. The medication I was given knocked me right out at night, but also increased my appetite threefold. I gained weight FAST, and I was very ashamed of myself. Part of it I think we due to the fact that we were poor, and I received free milk coupons, so I was constantly drinking 3% milk. The other part was going a bit nuts and telling myself to enjoy the opportunity to be "fat". It was quite liberating in a sense to let myself eat without worrying. One day, a woman in a pregnancy clothing store asked me if I was having twins. I'll never forget that comment. It hurt so much. I was 170 lbs when I gave birth. I still can't stand to look at the post-birth pics of me holding DD because my face is so swollen and unattractive. Definitely not a Vogue cover of some hollywood mom already looking-prebaby.

Where I am now is watching my eating vigilantly and trying to NOT step on a scale because I know I'll see that number (122 lbs right now) and freak out.

[BRmama]

Halfasianmomma welcome

I thought I'd come here and write my feelings to see if my ed settles down since I'm going through a horrible withdrawal. This is so embarrassing and hard for me.

I went to my gp and she said she thinks my ocd and pica are biological versus psychological, then when I was with my therapist and she disagreed. I basically said that I don't care but am willing to do whatever it takes to get over it. Though I am kind of leaning toward it being psychological. Maybe I never will get over it, I just need the tools to adjust. Don't know. Meanwhile my baby is kicking and I can't help but feel bad for everything I've put my body through and as a result I have no idea if he's suffering in there or not. I hope I can get through this hard part. Would anyone be willing to share their recovery and how they're happy now? Sorry about the rant, today is just one of those days....