Eating Disorder Recovery - Page 2

[litanyagainstfear]

to you new posters! Welcome!

I don't know if I would call myself "recovered," but I'm definitely in the process. It's getting easier after months of work. It has well been worth the time and effort.

[gerlassie]

I've been hiding from pretty much everything. It been a rough and emotional week and I've been bingeing daily. I'm not too sure what my exact trigger was but to pin point the day(s) would be last Sunday. Meaning that I made it through some issues with my husband on Friday night and had a relatively peaceful Saturday and then I caved in.

I had a friend over while our husbands went to a game and she was in a mood to eat. I shamefully followed her lead and ate so much that I became ill. I felt pretty nasty for the rest of the day. By Monday morning I had kind of given up using my old excuse..."I should eat something before I get a headache".

The weird thing is that I'm NOT proud of my behavior but I'm also not carrying that disgusted feeling either. I'm so unhappy with what I see in the mirror and can't imaging spending another day this way but yet I continue on. I've been spending a great deal of time crying so I must be in pain but I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me.

I also worry about what you ( the Tribe ) thinks of me. Believe it or not I don't care what the average person thinks of me but here it's a concern. I feel the need to say that I'm not a whale but I am over weight. I also try my best to hide it by wearing larger clothes.

Everything I'm doing to justify my addiction with food is really becoming too much for me to manage on my own. The daily readings from OA help me to reflect on my myself for the moment but not the whole picture of my world. But I guess that's the idea is to take one day at a time. But I feel like it's making things worse.

[Halfasianmomma]

You don't need to worry about what *I* think! You're brave for posting all this here.

[BRmama]

Originally Posted by gerlassie

I've been hiding from pretty much everything. It been a rough and emotional week and I've been bingeing daily. I'm not too sure what my exact trigger was but to pin point the day(s) would be last Sunday. Meaning that I made it through some issues with my husband on Friday night and had a relatively peaceful Saturday and then I caved in.

I had a friend over while our husbands went to a game and she was in a mood to eat. I shamefully followed her lead and ate so much that I became ill. I felt pretty nasty for the rest of the day. By Monday morning I had kind of given up using my old excuse..."I should eat something before I get a headache".

The weird thing is that I'm NOT proud of my behavior but I'm also not carrying that disgusted feeling either. I'm so unhappy with what I see in the mirror and can't imaging spending another day this way but yet I continue on. I've been spending a great deal of time crying so I must be in pain but I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me.

I also worry about what you ( the Tribe ) thinks of me. Believe it or not I don't care what the average person thinks of me but here it's a concern. I feel the need to say that I'm not a whale but I am over weight. I also try my best to hide it by wearing larger clothes.

Everything I'm doing to justify my addiction with food is really becoming too much for me to manage on my own. The daily readings from OA help me to reflect on my myself for the moment but not the whole picture of my world. But I guess that's the idea is to take one day at a time. But I feel like it's making things worse.

I seriously could've written your whole post. Except for me I care so much what people think of me irl as in here too. Also for me it's the opposite with food. I was doing good, and then Sunday came and I just didn't want to do anything, or eat anything, which made me more susceptible to cave in to my ocd (which I'm soooo embarrassed to talk about), which led to this week being rough. Then I get these thoughts like my baby is not okay, and the guilt kicks in and then I get scared that my baby will be born with a problem and because of that will be taken away from me. (I know that's not true, but I can't help these feelings). So I've also spent a great deal of this week crying. I'm just grateful that despite my issues with my dh is there for me to make sure I take my prenatals. Anyway I guess my point is that you're not alone. I'm really grateful you started this thread. It's helped me a lot, just by reading your stories and writing what I'm feeling gives me hope that I can get better.

[Halfasianmomma]

I did something stupid today. I got on a scale. Don't ask me why. I just HAD to know. It was depressing as heck.

[gerlassie]

Thank you BRmama.

When I was younger I would check things over and over although I was never diag with any disorder. My mother didn't believe in professional help. She felt that she could manage me and by that I mean that I was constantly punished. I can remember doing things like checking to make sure the doors were locked and making sure the stove was off over and over. I had a routine where I would count to 20 checking each knob along the way...20 counts/20 touches to the knob. Even then I thought I was being a little odd.

When I learned how to starve myself I didn't go through my counting rituals, when I began my overeating I did.

I did something stupid but bordering on being quite funny ( at least to me )...The other night I was polishing off a 3 pound bag of chocolate. I know GROSS! I even wonder how it's possible without going into some sort of shock. Anyway, I heard little foot steps coming down the hall and since I was unwilling to share "my" goodies let alone get caught I shoved a large handful into my mouth and bit off the tip of my tongue. Not a hugh chunk but enough to say to myself that I had definitely hit a serious low. As I tried to pull myself together I thought that this was probably what I needed.

I think that I have been waiting for this moment. Weird but I needed to hurt myself to really see what I'm doing. BTW my tongue is healing nicely LOL!!!

[gerlassie]

I forgot to thank you too, halfasianmama. That was very kind of you!

I ditched my relationship with the scale last year. Those digital scales are brutally honest.

[BRmama]

Halfasianmomma that's why we don't own a scale at home. Ditching my scale was really hard but I felt really liberated once I did.

Gerlassie I have to say that was kind of funny and understandable (we're talking about chocolate yumm) , but I'm glad your tongue is healing. What I really crave all the time that I hate sharing is the sour patch kids . I love it! Anyway I just found out with my therapist one of my behaviors that I had no idea I was doing. Everytime I drive my car for anything I don't necessarily have to listen to music, but if I am checking the radio (and I am everytime) I have to absolutely check the stations here in chronological order from the smallest numbers to the big ones. I started driving at sixteen, and I'm 28. I know, weird. My whole family says I do this. So I'll go the whole trip without listening to music but just checking the stations or it throws me off completely. I'm also constantly making sure the books at home are in alphabetical order and making sure the total number of books is the same everyday. I did this and other things growing up too and my mom didn't really think much of it. I just got reprimanded more for my pica and ed.

I can't wait till my next therapy appt. I take everyday one day at a time, I just wish I could get better soon but I know I still have a long way to go

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi mamas...seems the thread has been quiet so I thought I'd revive it.

I can't ditch the scale, unfortunately, because it isn't mine. Or should I say...THEY aren't mine. I live with my parents, both of whom have cholesterol and high bp issues, so they work out and check their weight regularly. The scales are there...soooo inviting and damning all at once.

I haven't been able to restrict myself much lately. I tried skipping a meal last week and BINGO, huge migraine for my troubles. It took me several days of no activity and medication to get over it, so I know I can't skip meals. I've been really restricting what I eat instead, trying to make sure I don't have sweets, don't eat deserts or don't eat at night. It's very hard at home when there's tons of food lying around and it seems that I'm ALWAYS hungry. I try to drink lots of water, eat fruits, try to have some clean protein every meal, and ditch the treats. If I'm going to be sitting on my butt for 8 hours a day, and NOT exercising, because my DD won't let me out of her sight when I'm at home (and yes, because I'm lazy and depressed about my job), then I have to eat less.

I SO wish my life was different and I could do martial arts again. That REALLY got me in shape, burned all the fat and I suddenly didn't care about my weight...

[litanyagainstfear]

Maybe you can ask your parents if they wouldn't be willing to watch your DD while you work out/do martial arts -- exercise/physical activity can be an important element of battling depression.

[gerlassie]

Hi Everyone!

It's been a busy couple of weeks and then I forgot where "we" ended up so it took me a while to get back here. Anyway, we had a visit with some extended family which didn't go too well but it was a nice 4.5 hr drive each way. Besides the trip was about going as a family not necessarily about going to see family.I now know why I have kept several states between us. Way too much drama to go into but lets just say that it will probably be another 30 years before I step foot on their dirt again. LOL!!!

So, back at home we've all been dealing with some sort of sinus/bronc infection. Not enough to get everyone to the doc but annoying enough to slow down our daily routines...not to mention this insane heat. 102 is considered on the cool side.

Emotionally, I have been up and down. Going from extremely tired to raging evil. My poor husband has dubed me "Eve"...I guess it's better than being called "Sybil" ( movie references just in case I'm showing my age ) LOL!!!
Food really hasn't been a main focus and for the record, I ditched OA. They were begining to freak me out a bit and I couldn't give them the committment that was required of me. So, I discovered the joys of homemade smoothies! Almost as good as icecream but the funny thing is that I'm too lazy to keep cleaning the blender so I really make them count with fresh fruits, wheat germ and yogurt. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can stick with this.

Oh yea, 2 weeks ago I bought a silly piece of exercise equip which is still in the box collecting dust!

Hope everyone is well!

[CliffRose]

Hi,
I saw this thread and decided to hop on board. I've never been diagnosed with an ED, but definitively have something going on in that area.
When I get stressed, I basically go back and forth between starving myself and eating ridiculous amounts of whatever comfort food I fancy at the time. One of the problems is that there is almost always something I feel stressed about (finances, my ex-husband, etc) so it's hard to get back on track with healthy eating habits.
I use to smoke lots of pot, and then would get the munchies at night, overindulge, then wake up with no appetite. I'd get hungry by mid-morning, eat, and then not be hungry till mid-afternoon, then at night.
I pretty much quit smoking, which helps a lot, but it's still hard for me to eat, and eat healthy.
I am committed to eating three times a day, healthy foods, reasonable amounts, and intend on posting my progress here. I feel the need to be held accountable for what I say I'm going to do.

[litanyagainstfear]

CliffRose, you sound like you have a really good idea of what you need to do in order to make progress. I wish you the best! (And everyone else too.)

[gerlassie]

Welcome CliffRose!

[CliffRose]

Thanks!

[BRmama]

Hey everyone, sorry about the late reply, this month has been a rollercoaster for us.

Welcome CliffRose

I go through ups and downs with my dh . Sucks because aside from the fact that we're from different cultures we're very opposites of each other. Then when we decided to do selective vax recently (would be my son's first shot at 18 mo) he got a serious reaction. On top of that I've been dealing with a cold for weeks now. Since I'm pregnant I can't and wont take anything for it. Anyway I hope everyone is doing good.

[DesertFlower]

(I previously posted as CliffRose, an account I opened because I had lost all the info related to this account)
Last Friday, I had a formal meeting with a friend of mine who is a certified Holistic Health Counselor. She is having me keep a food journal for two weeks, although it might be an ongoing thing. She is a very nice and non-judgmental person, so I feel safe working with her. We'll meet every 2-3 weeks, and every time she's going to give me 2 or 3 things to focus on or change in my diet and lifestyle.
I think that having someone hold me accountable will help me get in line and really work at healing myself. I just can't go on with the issues that I have.

[Harmony08]

Hello everyone,

I don't have a diagnosed disorder but as I work out my past I find some frightening truths. I just recently had a convo with a college roomate and somehow the subject of me throwing up food came up. She said she didn't know how to talk to me about it then. I truly never thought that I had a problem. I didn't do it a lot and I thought I was only doing it because it was unhealthy so it was a good idea. Now I realize that I didn't throw up "unhealthy" food when I felt okay...only when I felt depressed or in pain etc. So I am just sorting this out now I guess after being in a kind of denial. I did stop that eventually but moved into just being weird about food....like super super low fat, vegetarian etc, lots of exercise. Even now I am still plagued with "orthorexia". I just learned that term. I have really made a lot of progress since my son was born.

Peace to everyone here. Let us heal.

[mrscookie]

Hi, 

Anybody still here? Not sure how this works... there's just one thread in the group? 

Anyways, I'm pregnant, 11 weeks, have a 2.5 year old, vegan (except when I'm bingeing), raw (ditto) mommy, struggling with bingeing. 

Last time I was pregnant, my eating disorder really got a lot better, and I was able to eat a reasonable amount of food without bingeing and able to let go of the all or nothing attitude. I still did binge probably one, sometimes two days a week, but overall, I remember it as a better time in my life, where I felt good about my body and the clothes I could wear. 

This pregnancy has been so different. Unlike last time, I've had non-stop queasiness / nausea (no vomiting), and paradoxically, it's been causing me to eat more and more triggering foods. I just want to eat mashed potatoes or pasta or bread, and I tried giving myself permission to do that and not feeling bad about it, but it ends up derailing me and taking me into a binge. I had lost some excess weight this year with a lot of hard work, bingeing less and working out, and now it's almost all back on and I feel so uncomfortable in my body and in my clothes. I'm wearing maternity clothes just so that I can fit something comfortably. I don't want to post how much weight I lost / gained back, because I don't know if that's triggering, but it's more than you should gain first trimester. 

Right before I found out I was pregnant, I started seeing someone for energy healing to help with all of this. I should back up to say that eating has been an issue for me from when I was 11 or 12 (dieting / restricting), through mid-teens (starting more bingeing), pretty much all the time until now (just turned 32), so it's been about twenty years. I tried behavioral, analysis, meds, different therapists, and I learned things, but the problem always stayed the same. I sometimes did get some relief from meds, but I feel like I was kind of just checked out. One thing that helped me was getting on a raw vegan diet, at least as my baseline to always come back to after a binge, which I did when my son was about one. It helped me find a way to eat that I was okay with and could eat sufficient calories so I wasn't setting myself up for a binge. Since then I've stopped the hardcore restriction that I used to try to live up to on "good" days. But I still fall off and I still struggle. The first two sessions with the energy healing work were amazing and I felt so free, but then I got derailed from the nausea / cravings for heavy, dense foods, and since then, it hasn't helped. I don't know whether it's because I can't relax feeling so uncomfortable in my body, or whether it's because my body has been, at each session, full of food and coming off a binge. Hard to be open to healing. I'm trying hard to eat a very clean diet that will help my body feel good for a couple days before my next session in the hopes that I can get that feeling of freedom back. Otherwise, I'll have to re-evaluate. I'd hate to write that initial response i had as just that first time placebo that I sometimes get when I try a new approach, it seemed different. Anybody else tried energy healing type work? I never thought I would do anything like this, but I have done everything else and I refuse to just give up.