Originally Posted by VisionaryMom
I think a lot of people want to believe it's okay for their children because believing otherwise would be painful.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I believe it was okay (not great, in many ways) for my son, because it was
. I had ds1 seeing the school counsellor as soon as my ex and I split up, and the counsellor eventually told me that he'd love to keep working with him, because he was a lot of fun, but that he really didn't need any help and was doing great.
And, I know his dad is important to him. About a year ago, he saw him again for the first time in a few years. DS1 took his sketchbook, his juggling equipment, his guitar, etc. It was like he was audtioning for a part and desperate to impress the casting director. (In my personal opinion, his father should have been on his freaking knees, begging for the right to be part of this remarkable young man's life, but that's not how it works.) Whether my ex deserves it or not, he is
ds1's dad, and he is important to ds1. That doesn't mean that he and I staying together would have even remotely been in my son's best interests.
The thing about divorced parents vs. married parents is that, in the case of a divorce, the marriage was such that at least one parent was unhappy enough to want a divorce. Yes - there are married couples who have also worked through stages like that, but there are no divorced couples where both parties were thriving. When we're comparing the two groups, all
the ones with functional, or even happy
, marriages are in the "still married" group, and none of them are in the divorced group. It's apples and oranges.
And, yeah - there are cases where people divorce for what seem like frivolous reasons. I know at least one woman who basically dumped her husband, because he turned out to be a fallible human being, instead of a white knight out of a romance novel. But...her approach to life is such that she won't ever
have a successful long-term relationship, whether she marries or not, and whether she has children or not, unless something major
changes within her. So, we can look at her kids and say, "they're screwed up, because they come from divorced parents"...but it's more like "they're screwed up, becuase their mother is in denial - about everything - to her eyebrows". The same things that caused her marriage to fold are the things that make her a less-than-wonderful parent. It's not cause and effect.