helppp!!! sooo embarrassed!!!

[ilovermybabies]

so the fam went to the grocery store today and as we are walking my dd (5) saw something she wanted/needed oh so badly! i told her that today wasnt the day to purchase the toy, we were shopping for food. she then started this grunting noise to which i just ignored and kept walking with my other dd (3) until i noticed she was making the same noise but this time louder..to which everyone walking by was staring back at her. i then turned to see she was pulling her hair out of her pigtails and making the grunting noise so angrily. i got down to her level and she flinched and started yelling at the top of her lungs "dont spank me please dont spank me!!" i was appalled! dh and i do not spank, on occasion i yell which then i make myself cry for doing but we do not spank our kids..so i let it go and continued asking her why she was so upset and she told me how she needed the doll so bad and it would help her sleep at night and yada yada...and again i told her how we were at the store to purchase food and that i was sorry but today wasnt the time to buy a toy and she started her fit again! i started walking and noticed that her fit was causing others to come and look and stare and so i got red in the face and got down to her level again! and she did the flinch and screamed "dont spank me dont spank me!!!" by now i am furious and i ask "who hits you???" and she screams for her crowd to hear "YOU!!!" i was sooo mortified i had to leave. i didnt want her to think she won or actually i dont care about that...what i do care about is the fact that i have been a mom for almost 10 years and i just dont know what to do about her and all her fits. i feel like she is getting worse. im sorry this post is so long but i would really appreciate any advice you all may have...i am truly at a loss.
tia,
tara

[Arduinna]

Could she possibly be getting spanked by another caregiver, like at day care or a grandparents? Is she witnessing other children getting spanked?

[ElliesMomma]

have a heart to heart talk with her when you are both calm and alone. tell her you were truly baffled as to why she said that. ask her if there was a reason why she said that, and what was the reason?

[ssh]

When my 4.5 year old DD acts inappropriate in a store I ask her if she wants to go home and I can come back later while she stays home with DH. She usually wants to stay. A tantrum or other misbehavior when we're shopping means we leave immediately. Your DD may have seen other kids get their way by making a scene even if she never has. You should talk to her about it and also talk to her about why she mentioned spanking.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

don't be too embarrassed I think most kids have their moments of public fit throwing and most parents understand that. I would ask about why she said "don't spank me" but I know a lot of kids who yell, "you are not my mommy/daddy" when they are getting in trouble, as they have learned that is the thing to say if someone is trying to kipnap them etc and they use it to make a scene and hope their parent(s) will give in to stop the scene.

[ilovermybabies]

thanks for all the feedback/comments...i talked to dd and her teacher at our daycare (i work there and trust her teachers, i have known them for years, i can honestly say i would never even in my worse nightmares think they would hurt my child) and the only thing we could all agree on is she is one child who needs to nap during the day and now at school and at home she has not done so for a few weeks...she also spent the week prior at my sisters house and i think she witnessed my nephew having a fit..he is now one and learning how to get mommys attention in may ways. i did speak to her about spankings and where she would get the idea i would ever hurt her and she just couldnt answer me...i did kind of explain that comments like that really hurt my feelings and she was sad...we have since gone back to that store and i hustled right by the dolls she wanted before and we had a great time and no craziness

[heartmama]

I've heard of more than one non-spanked child about her age developing a fondness for yelling "Don't hit me!".

They probably do it because they never have been hit, and somewhere, somehow, they came across the concept and it fascinated them. Spanking references are everywhere--tv, cartoons, you name it. Then when they say it, they see their parents are struck dumb by it, so it is all the more fascinating.

You already asked the other caregivers, and asked your child, if she had been spanked. Since nothing turned up an answer, I'd guess she just heard the idea and decided to try it out.

[Neuromancer]

I have to tell you -- I did that to my mom when I was little. We were in church (my dad was preaching!). I started to act up, my Mom picked me up to walk out of the sanctuary so I'd calm down, and I started yelling, "Don't hit me!" My parents say they never spanked (I 100% believe them for several reasons), and I have no memory of ever being spanked by anyone. No idea where it came from. We can laugh about it today, but my mom was mortified.

I'm so sorry this happened to you!

[*Jade*]

When my god-daughter was 3, she used to do this awful thing where she would throw a tantrum, then run under the nearest table, quiver and whimper like I'd slapped her!! I was HORRIFIED that someone would walk into the room and think the worst, but thankfully they'd all seen the behaviour as well. So I think it's not completely out of line for a 3 year old to pull something so dramatic without cause!

[Latte Mama]

My youngest sister did this to my mother when she was about 3 or so. They too were shopping and she yelled "don't hit me daddy". My mom and her DP were mortified, they had never hit her, ever. It happens.

[Amanda L]

When I was around four or five my twin brother used to do that to my mother all of the time. He would ask for something or not get his way and then run through the store and THROW himself on the floor and scream "Please don't beat me anymore" and "I'll be good, just don't hurt me!". My mom would just give in, but one time he tried it with my cousin there (she is five years older so she was around ten). My cousin saw him start running with a toy and yelling "Don't hurt me!" and she put her foot out and tripped him. He went sprawling and DID get hurt, but not bad. He had never been hurt before, so the look on his face was priceless! He didn't throw fits in the store like that again.

So the poster above, who says maybe they have been exposed to something on TV but have no real concept of what it really is may be right. Because my brother wasn't spanked or "hurt" but as soon as he was and knew what it meant, he quit using it as a tool to get what he wanted.

I wouldn't recommend teaching your daughter the same way my cousin taught my brother, and I am glad that you two talked it out later and she learned in a more non-violent way.

[SilverFish]

i agree with the pps that this is normal boundary testing behavior by young children. however, i think that 5 is old enough to have a pretty serious talk about the two main issues here... first, acceptable responses to disappointment, and second, lying about behavior by others. to me, that tantrum would not be an acceptable way to express sadness/anger/disappointment (although i am fully aware that a 5 year old wouldn't be able to control that in the heat of the moment), so i'd be discussing that with her. what kind of outlets ARE acceptable to you? how can you work on reminding her of them in stressful situations?

secondly, the issue of lying, which was wrapped up in the tantrum. a five year old is old enough to have some idea of the natural consequences of lying to others, and some of them are quite serious. if she lies about abuse, one consequence might be that people might not believe her when she is telling the truth, and another is that people might try to protect her by punishing her caregivers. you don't need to overstate or be dramatic about these consequences, but gently reminding her that accusing someone of doing something bad when they haven't is wrong and potentially quite dangerous.

it must have been a tough situation for you... i'm sure you'll laugh about it one day!