Homeschooling an only child

[Kelabu]

I'd like to hear some feedback from parents who have homeschooled an only child. My son is 4 and has been to daycare/preschool for 2 years and is staying home from now on. I'm in the beginning stages of finding support and resources in our area. The few homeschoolers that I know have several children so that is adding to my anxiety about pulling him out of prek.

[inky leeuhhh]

my dd isnt an only child, but her sister is considerably younger, so our situation is sort of similar. honestly, as long as you are able to figure a way to get your little one out of the house a few times a week to do SOMETHING social, i think that's great. plenty of kids have grown up just fine without being in constant contact with their peers. it sounds like you have potential playmates for your child, which seems like a great start! honestly, i think some alone time is important for children. it gives them a chance to learn to get along by themselves, and use their imaginations in ways different than when they're playing with other children. hopefully some other people will have different ideas for you as well.

[Stacey B]

I'm there with you my ds is 4 and an only. We're on the unschooling/ reggio side of things so there is a lot of exploration of the world/city around us. We are part of a co-op once a week and have one playdate with various kids another day a week. Beyond that we spend go to the playground a lot. The co-op I found was through the local AP board (actually the board is been our saving in so many ways, so many great families).

I'm not too concerned about socialization, he'll have plenty of time when he gets older for classes and such. Definitely curious to hear more of the responses from parents of older onlys.

[laohaire]

An almost-5 only homeschooler here. I don't see any reason to be concerned.

I may be off base but I suspect the idea that you have to have a lot of kids to homeschool might reflect religious homeschooling. Being fruitful and multiplying is a Christian mandate (and maybe for other religions too, I don't know) so families who are orthodox enough to want to homeschool for religious reasons probably tend to have more children to fulfill that mandate. And then people somehow assume that having a lot of kids is necessary for homeschooling, rather than just being an artifact of being religious.

I don't think there's anything necessary about having siblings to homeschool though.

[Lillian J]

We did it, but it does mean having times when you really need to beat the bushes to keep things happening socially for your child. Many people who don't think it's a problem have not yet come into the years (maybe around 9 and on) when their children, especially boys, are strongly wanting a real social life and more independence, with plenty of outside opportunities. If you think of making ongoing connections as a big part of your own role in the homeschooling journey, it can be done. Lillian

[Arduinna]

I HS'd dd all the way and she is over 18 now. I loved it and wouldn't change a thing. The biggest benefit was that she had a wide variety of local neighborhood friends of all ages. Socialization is one of the main reasons I am pro HS. And we did not join any HS group and her friends were a variety of public and private schoolers. We are not people that need a busy structured schedule.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

Many people who don't think it's a problem have not yet come into the years (maybe around 9 and on) when their children, especially boys, are strongly wanting a real social life and more independence, with plenty of outside opportunities.

It's true that I don't have any experience with 9 year olds. But my 4 year old has plenty of friends (plus cousins), so I think she already has a "real" social life?

It's probably just different for different families.

[Arduinna]

What is a "real" social life anyway?

If you asked me and you asked my mom you would get 2 very different answers. Because my mom has a driving need to be constantly going and doing. Luckily myself, my husband and my daughter are very compatible as far as social interaction and going and doing. We like it in limited amounts. None of us want to scheduled from dawn to dusk like my other family members. If course, they assume we are anti-social since our needs don't match their own.

[mom2ponygirl]

We've been hs'ing our 11 year old only girl for the past 6.5 years. It has been great. I think it is easier to have an only. :-)

Also, once we'd been hs'ing awhile we met several families hs'ing onlies. You'll find them in your area as well.

[Lillian J]

By "a real social life," I was just referring to whatever if feels like for an older child, not to anyone's definition of what's real. It's something I've seen a lot. I think it's just a natural phenomenon. There's a time when boys tend to be wanting to get some growing space away from the apron strings, more social life as they, themselves, want it - not because of having negative feelings about their moms or sibllngs (if they have some), but just as part of the natural movement through puberty and the process of growing up.

I think its important not to get too complacent about providing outside opportunities and connections - it takes work and commitment to keep it going, and it's just not an option in most cases. It's not unusual for a mom to be having such a wonderful time at home with a child that she doesn't see what's happening until it's too late. I can think of four older boys right off the top of my head who got fed up with the situation and demanded to be able to go to school because they didn't have enough opportunities to connect and spend more time with others their age. I had conversations with at least two (maybe even three) of the moms and been told how happy they were being home with their sons, and that they didn't feel the need to get out and make connections. It just wasn't realistic. I'm not saying a child who doesn't want to get out and "socialize" should be pushed - not at all - but it's important to start forming connections and opportunities for close friendships and playmates early on.

My son was lucky in having a preschool buddy he stayed friends with into their teens, visiting back and forth for overnights, plus a next door neighbor near his age who was a close buddy, as well as some from when he was in kindergarten - and the support group ones as well. It was often frustrating and hard work to keep it going - and I often hated dealing with the support group, but it was important to keep it open for him, and I considered it my job, because it did matter to him and it did make a difference in how well homeschooling worked for us. - Lillian

[laohaire]

I don't see anyone recommending being complacent about connections and social life. This thread is about homeschooling an only child, not about keeping kids from socializing.

[Arduinna]

It's probably partly the difference in philosophy between HSing and unschooling. Along with a difference in experiences.

[Kelabu]

Thanks for the great responses so far everyone! I feel much better already.
Since I live in GA, I probably am running into more people who are religous and tend to have more kids.
I still need to let go of lots of ideas of what's 'right' for us. The first thing my stepdad said when he found out my son would not be continuing in prek this year was 'make sure he gets around other kids so he can learn how to share....blah blah blah" I am an only child too and when I think about it I never did like the forced social situations in school and I think my ds is like me in that way. Even in preschool he has always found 1 best friend who is just like him and doesn't like to play with others as much. He is friendly, but would prefer to play by himself if the special friend is not around. Playgrounds, old school friends, neighborhood kids and activities will probably be just the amount of inteaction he needs right now. He's so excited about coming home with me after this week, I don't think he'll miss socializing at school.

[Arduinna]

I'm not sure what your neighborhood is like, but ours was great when dd was growing up ( she is 20 now ). I never had to structure stuff to keep her busy because there was always a million things happening with all her friends. And she had the choice to participate or not depending on what she felt like at the moment. So if she wanted to stay home and read for a week she could. If she wanted to spend the night at a friends 2 nights in a row she could.

I personally can't stand arbitrary time schedules where things have to be planned out in set increments. It's one of the reasons I unschool.

[nov05mama]

I have an only who is homeschooled and we do several activities outside the home on a regular basis. I have a park here locally where we signed up to do Nature Class once a month. We attend Preschool Pals story time at the local library each week.
This year is the first year we are having an actual co-op that we are attending regularly. Each Monday, we are meeting with a few of our other homeschool friends and having a short class.

I think it REALLY depends on the child as far as how much you want and/or NEED to get out. Some kids are SUPER social and thrive on being go-go-go with their friends and activities all the time. Some kids are more natural 'homebodies', not necessarily meaning they don't want/need to socialize, but that they don't need it as much in a single week as the super social child does. So there is no 'blanket' answer for every child, IMO!

[Amanda L]

I am thinking about homeschooling since I didn't like the "forced socialization" either. Thank you for starting this thread. I'm curious too!

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I don't see anyone recommending being complacent about connections and social life. This thread is about homeschooling an only child, not about keeping kids from socializing.

I don't see anyone recommending being complacent either - I didn't say I did. I was just writing the same kind of thing I always write when someone asks what it's like to homeschool an only child - because the only problem I've ever seen with doing so has been with those who are complacent about it. I think it's well worth pointing out when someone posts a question like the OP did. One mom I'd known for years called me at one point to apologetically tell me she finally understood why I'd always made such a big deal about getting together social opportunities for my son - her older son had decided to go to high school, and the one left at home was having a very hard time being alone. I think he ended up going to school too. It's just part of the territory.

Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Kelabu

I am an only child too and when I think about it I never did like the forced social situations in school and I think my ds is like me in that way. Even in preschool he has always found 1 best friend who is just like him and doesn't like to play with others as much. He is friendly, but would prefer to play by himself if the special friend is not around.

He sounds very much like mine was. I even had moms accusing me of keeping him away from their children - because they didn't believe me when I told them, when they phoned, that he didn't want to play right then because he was wanting to play alone for a while. That changed as he grew older - he got over wanting so much alone time, so then we had to keep active in more things than probably either of us cared to. But having a special friend was always crucially important to him too - he would have been miserable without having a special friend he knew he could count on seeing often. - Lillian

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

I don't see anyone recommending being complacent either - I didn't say I did. I was just writing the same kind of thing I always write when someone asks what it's like to homeschool an only child - because the only problem I've ever seen with doing so has been with those who are complacent about it. I think it's well worth pointing out when someone posts a question like the OP did. One mom I'd known for years called me at one point to apologetically tell me she finally understood why I'd always made such a big deal about getting together social opportunities for my son - her older son had decided to go to high school, and the one left at home was having a very hard time being alone. I think he ended up going to school too. It's just part of the territory.

Lillian

Definitely well worth pointing out! Reading about your experience and observations has been very helpful to me.

[Copper]

We have an only she is now 9 and we have homeschooled since K...now going into fourth grade. She likes to be out and about....and sometimes IT IS WORK and time and effort to meet her needs.

She has a dance class, has done competitive gymnastics, theater...horse summer camps, theater summer camps (not over night camps), and has a really good friend that she has a lot in commone with that is homeschooled. We see her quite a bit though she lives a town over. We have much younger and a few older kids in the neighborhood....so not much opportunity there.

We do not homeschool for religious reasons and she has public school and home school friends.

I have to admit we were "reluctant homeschoolers"...this is not something I planned or really wanted to do...it just worked out that way. I had reservations because of her being on only ...most people in our area our very religious and have more than 1. I am glad we do have some very close and good friends that homeschool though and we do attend some group activites as well.