How to interact with constant attention-seeking child (not your own)?

[Cascadian]

There are a 2 kids we know who are over for playdates once in a while, who are little black holes of attention. It's not that they don't get attention at home - quite the opposite: they both are onlies who are hyper-parented and lavished with constant praise and focus. And I mean *constant*...lots of praise for doing normal, ordinary things, thumbs-up's, etc. etc. You know...mommy/daddy's little superstars for drinking all their milk or putting their shoes on (these kids are 7...yeah, I know).

When these kids are over, they actively seek such praise from me. I half-heartedly dished it out in the beginning, but subsequent visits were met by diversionary tactics from me (including a bit of the old 'ignore' button).

Also, when Dh or I interact with our own kids, said kids can't handle the divided attention - Dh got a ball to the head today from one of these kids when he was trying to help DD cut up her food and teaching her to use a knife. The other child was 'only playing' but it was pretty obvious that they weren't used to other children having the adult's focus. (Imagine that Bart Simpson episode of him running around saying "Look at me! Look at me! Why isn't anyone looking at me?")

I had to constantly reroute the attention-getting behaviour today (including even asking for attention ie. "Look at me kick this ball! Look - I'm going across the monkey bars (as I'm manhandling some bbq chicken into the house trying to get dinner ready))

It does get tiring. And it annoys me. Yes, that's my bias - I find it annoying. But...I wonder if I'm being crusty or rude by not playing into that and giving said attention for the time that they're there? God, I don't want my kids picking up on that behaviour...couple that with the kids' lack of social boundaries (probably given totally free reign at home; eg. we don't allow other kids into our master bed/bath, but the child today was egging DDs on to let her explore, then just went ahead and did it).

I am not going to go out of my way to have playdates (although one's a neighbour, so that's kind of a void tactic). Today's gtg was a favour to the other parents who had something to do.

How would you interact with a child over for a playdate who tries to elicit constant attention?

[Mummoth]

I do after school care for an only child, and she can behave a bit like this (there are 3 adults in her home, so I think there's pretty much always someone available to play with her or do something for her) Sometimes it helps to describe the situation... "I'm getting dinner ready... if I stop and watch you, what might happen to the food?" You've probably done similar things with your own kids as new siblings arrived (albeit when they were younger)

It's like it doesn't register that someone else's needs might be being met at that moment... that awareness takes practice. I do this a LOT... sometimes she gets a choice: "I'm making you a snack, if I stop it'll be longer before you can eat. Are you sure you want me to come watch you now?" Sometimes it's directed at everyone: "Do you ALL think I'm hearing what you're saying over everyone else?" Sometimes she doesn't get a choice: "The other kids look like they're still having fun at the park, we can stay another 10 (or 20 or whatever) minutes" ...then I'd ask her if she brought a book that day, or point out that there's room on the tire swing, etc.

It feels like I'm being Captain Obvious at times, but it's not obvious to kids who haven't had to consider other people's point of view. Siblings have to put their own needs on hold for each other many, many times a day... an only child might have to do that a few times a day, but they get a fraction of the practice.

[Arduinna]

What I see here is the assumption that such behavior is only child specific and a bias against only children. Such behavior is not the result of being an only child. These kids sound high needs and there isn't enough information here for me to know why. But I would put in basic rules in force and let them know what areas or rooms are off limits and what behavior isn't acceptable IE no throwing balls in the house for example. And only let them over if you can send them home when they hit the limits of your patience.

Kids with siblings are not immune to this kind of behavior, my dds BF was always whining to get her way and had a younger brother that was a rabid attention seeker. The littlest brother wasn't quite as bad.

[Cascadian]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

What I see here is the assumption that such behavior is only child specific and a bias against only children. Such behavior is not the result of being an only child. These kids sound high needs and there isn't enough information here for me to know why. But I would put in basic rules in force and let them know what areas or rooms are off limits and what behavior isn't acceptable IE no throwing balls in the house for example. And only let them over if you can send them home when they hit the limits of your patience.

Kids with siblings are not immune to this kind of behavior, my dds BF was always whining to get her way and had a younger brother that was a rabid attention seeker. The littlest brother wasn't quite as bad.

Sorry - didn't mean to imply that at all - my DDs have onlies as friends who are some of the most balanced kids we know, as well. I put that in to create a context for maybe constant attention from two parents, rather than to imply anything insidious about onlines.

Mummoth - you had a great summary observation about what is going on - it's about growing an awareness of needs other than your own and yes, it takes practice - something that many parents instill around the 2 yr old age (you know, the ME ME ME age... )

[rightkindofme]

I'm pretty frank, especially by the age of 7. That's old enough to be told 'no' and deal with it. I tell my 2 year old, "You know what, I'm not really interested in dropping what I'm doing to watch you ____ right now. I will play with you in a bit." And then I keep doing what I'm doing. If kiddos are more persistent I tell them that I am getting irritated and they need to back off. Children aren't made of glass and I think treating them as if they are is a bad idea.

That said, there are of course times when I say, "Sure! I'd love to watch you _____." It's about balance. I need to have interactions with children be something where my needs/wants are balanced with theirs. I'm not a martyr. I am not going to be at the beck and call of any child. I don't care if the kid is mine or someone else's. I will absolutely model how to set boundaries because I think they are good things.

(And saying that you aren't interested doesn't mean you are hostile or nasty. Just matter of fact. )