I think my friend lied to me about having gastric bypass surgery.

[millefleur]

Original post deleted by user to avoid more comments. Thanks.

[Learning_Mum]

Does it really matter? If she did and is keeping it a secret then that is her business, I'm guessing she has a reason.

I feel like you're jealous of her weightloss and want to have a reason rather than it just being through hard work. If she is picking at food and not drinking alcohol it might just be because she's trying to control portion size and doesn't want to have excess calories through drinking. Maybe you should try and find new things to do together like going for a walk or something.

[ChristyMarie]

It could also be that the emergency surgery was a wake up call and she decided to change her behavior and get healthy. Perhaps instead of viewing her with suspicion you could support her.

[VillageMom6]

Originally Posted by millefleur

Anyway, I asked her straight out if the surgery she had was gastric bypass...

Holy moly, that was really out of line.

Even if she did have gastric bypass surgery and denied it, I would not count that as having "lied" to you. You put her on the spot and she is under absolutely no obligation to reveal intensely personal information like that.

This friendship can be saved only if you accept that your friend's decisions and successes are hers alone and if you can respect her privacy. And come up with new, fun things to do together.

[NiteNicole]

As you are experiencing right now, people pass a lot of judgment about that kind of thing. I have a friend who had some form of weight loss surgery (I think recently (and announced it to the world) and you would not BELIEVE the nasty comments and way too personal questions she gets, never mind how mean some of her old eating buddies are being.

IF she lied to you, it's because you asked about something that was truly not your business and you put her on the spot. I would wonder if she is somewhere thinking either, how can my friend accuse me of lying or why does my friend think she's entitled to all my medical details? It's not fun on either side.

Let this go and then do some thinking about why this is really so important to you.

[Arduinna]

With all due respect, it's none of your business.

[savannah smiles]

I can understand why you feel confused and uncomfortable right now about your friend. I had lap-band surgery back in February and I haven't told many people mainly because I don't want them in my business. It seems like the minute people hear you've had surgery they want to know how much you've lost, what did you used to weigh, what can you eat and they also tend to monitor your food intake. A lot of judgement seems to come along with having the surgery and I'm simply not always interested in educating people or helping them work through their fat phobia.

Having said that, clearly her surgery (for whatever reason) has spurred this weight loss on. Many people who are overweight have hernias so maybe it was a wake-up call for her. Or maybe she did have weight-loss surgery and just doesn't want to talk about it. If that is the case, it's odd that she's posting skinny pictures online since that's sure to make people wonder about the weight loss.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

Holy moly, that was really out of line.

Even if she did have gastric bypass surgery and denied it, I would not count that as having "lied" to you. You put her on the spot and she is under absolutely no obligation to reveal intensely personal information like that.

This friendship can be saved only if you accept that your friend's decisions and successes are hers alone and if you can respect her privacy. And come up with new, fun things to do together.

It's like asking someone with suddenly bigger boobs if they had a boob job.

1) the question is unnecessary because the results are obvious

2) if they wanted you to know, they would have told you in the first place.


"You look great" is really the only acceptable thing to say.

[treeoflife3]

My mom had gastric bypass surgery and she shared that information with everyone. She once expressed to me saddness over losing a friend because her friend no longer felt comfortable around her. Her friend is still quite large and struggling with weight (they work together so they have to be in each other's lives a bit although they spend no time out of work anymore)

I remember seeing this friend all the time. I babysat her kids a couple times even. This friend helped my mom through an abusive relationship. It is very sad and frustrating that the change in food behavior and body size is enough to end a friendship.

My recommendation is that you apologize to your friend for asking a callous question and putting her on the spot. Let her know that even if she HAD had the gastric surgery, you still love her and her weight loss would still be HER success. Let her know that you are glad she is healthy and that the surgery she DID have (just go ahead and believe she told you the truth) didn't harm her and instead has left her healthier on the other side. and then find some other really fun things to do. Perhaps you guys could take some type of art class or something? Either way, let her know that you are just glad she is healthy and happy because in the end, thats really what matters.

[myrakaplan]

of course your sad and confused over losing the friend you thought you knew. it must feel like a betrayal of trust for her not to let you know where she was and what kind of surgery she really had. i bet you used to feel really close to her and now there is this wall between you. it's not easy to find someone you can relax around and eat food with. You should not feel guilty about wanting a friend who likes to eat . eating is not a character flaw.

[mumkimum]

Originally Posted by treeoflife3

My recommendation is that you apologize to your friend for asking a callous question and putting her on the spot. Let her know that even if she HAD had the gastric surgery, you still love her and her weight loss would still be HER success. Let her know that you are glad she is healthy and that the surgery she DID have (just go ahead and believe she told you the truth) didn't harm her and instead has left her healthier on the other side. and then find some other really fun things to do. Perhaps you guys could take some type of art class or something? Either way, let her know that you are just glad she is healthy and happy because in the end, thats really what matters.

I think the above is pretty good advice. If she did, it is primarily her business and if she isn't sharing it it's probably out of the discomfort and fear of judgement (or even out of not wanting to make you feel bad about yourself, yk?). I've known someone who had gastric bypass and was very private about it - I only knew out of having helped her keep some stuff private in the office we worked in.

I'd try to nurture/continue the friendship by continuing to do stuff together - maybe newer places to eat that are healthier, just going out for tea or coffee, maybe trips to a museum - just something different and new that you can share together. She may not be interested in telling you yet - she might tell you in the future when she's more comfortable.

[millefleur]

Wow! I guess I am used to posting in more gentle places! I am hurting and I was looking for some help and support as I explore my feelings about this.

In the context of our friendship, it was not something that would be considered out of line to ask her what kind of surgery she had when she told me she had surgery. We are usually very open about *everything*. This is unusual for us. Typically that was something we'd be able to discuss comfortably.

I was worried that we suddenly couldn't talk honestly anymore, and worried for her health when she disappeared like that and then started to lose weight so rapidly. It was all very sudden. It's an adjustment, you know?

I have been nothing but nice and supportive in person. I never accused her of lying in person, I just accepted her answer. I miss being able to talk about this stuff with her but I respect her privacy. I will continue to be treated for my own eating disorder and continue to exercise on my own. If she wants to talk about it someday with me the door is open. For now she seems to want a different dynamic. I just have to get used to not being able to talk to her about *everything* anymore.

Anyway, thanks to all for reading and taking the time to respond.

Originally Posted by savannah smiles

I can understand why you feel confused and uncomfortable right now about your friend. I had lap-band surgery back in February and I haven't told many people mainly because I don't want them in my business. It seems like the minute people hear you've had surgery they want to know how much you've lost, what did you used to weigh, what can you eat and they also tend to monitor your food intake. A lot of judgement seems to come along with having the surgery and I'm simply not always interested in educating people or helping them work through their fat phobia.

Having said that, clearly her surgery (for whatever reason) has spurred this weight loss on. Many people who are overweight have hernias so maybe it was a wake-up call for her. Or maybe she did have weight-loss surgery and just doesn't want to talk about it. If that is the case, it's odd that she's posting skinny pictures online since that's sure to make people wonder about the weight loss.

Thank you for your diplomatic response. I appreciate it!

[Lovebuggy]

I had gastric bypass at the end of February. I've lost about 70 pounds since then. I'm going to try to be gentle but also frank here.

It is none of your business if she had the surgery or not and I think you were out of line to ask her. I have told only a VERY few select people about my surgery. I'm not ashamed at all but I do NOT want to answer a million questions/go into detail about it.

That being said, I do not post pictures of myself getting smaller on FB because I'm very private about the weight loss. I DO think it is odd that she does that...in a way it seems like she is setting herself up for a lot of questions about her weight loss in general. Still, that is her prerogative.

If you want to keep the friendship, I'd apologize for asking about the surgery and let her know that you are so happy and thrilled for her success.

[EFmom]

I agree that it was none of your business. If she wants to discuss it with you, she will.

I've got many friends. I don't need to tell all of them every single personal detail of my life.

[journeymom]

Holy cow, people. The OP's friend told her she had surgery. Do you all get that part? She said she thought they had the kind of friendship where one could follow up that revelation with a logical question -was it lap band surgery?


Millefleur I don't think your question was out of line, it was completely logical. However, apparently your friend doesn't want to talk about it. That's also completely acceptable. It's really too bad the messages you got from her are so mixed and confusing. Your disappointment and sadness is completely understandable.

[Ammaarah]

I have had metabolic surgery (it's called a duodenal switch, it's an intestinal bypass and stomach reduction but different than RNY gastric bypass), and I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me about it, because after surgery I did drop weight really quickly. But some people are very private about their surgery choice because so many people are judgmental about surgery.

OP, I think the thing that kinda stings you in your story is that your friend possibly didn't trust you enough to confide in you if indeed she had surgery. But bear in mind there are people who don't even tell their own mothers or sisters or children! Some only tell a spouse or the friend who takes them to the hospital. So if she did have surgery and wouldn't share it with you, I wouldn't assume it's a trust issue or anything. She just may have chosen to be exceptionally private.

Often, when a person shares she had WLS, people come out of the woodwork to talk about Uncle Fred who had it and lost 300 pounds and weighed only 90 when he dropped dead a year later, or their cousin's college roommate who had WLS and got osteoporosis at age 22, or their old neighbor who had WLS and now is twice as heavy as when she had it. It could be she is just really concerned about how people view her and it's not a personal thing about you.

It sounds to me like she may have had WLS, but I wouldn't be 100% sure. I lost 70 pounds between September and December one year without surgery. Of course, I gained it all back plus a ton more (and that's why I eventually had surgery for real!)

[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by millefleur

Thank you for your diplomatic response. I appreciate it!

You're very welcome! Sorry if you're feeling a bit stung by the responses since some seem rather matter of fact which isn't very soothing to a sore heart.

I can totally see where your feelings would be hurt in this situation and I hope the friendship is on the mend soon.

Most importantly, good luck to you on your journey to better health! I've been there and I'm still doing it.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Ammaarah

Often, when a person shares she had WLS, people come out of the woodwork to talk about

: my first thought was "I'm glad it worked for your friend if she did have that surgery. My blah blah blah..."

I say, take her response at face value. Ignore the part where she's offended and ask if there's anything you need to know about the hernia surgery to support her recovery. Not eating much and not drinking seem reasonable for abdominal surgery of any kind.

Okay, Googled "hiatal hernia surgery recovery" and it looks like a hiatal hernia bad enough for surgery would make eating pretty painful. Especially large bites which would stretch out the esophagus and the incisions. Theoretically, you can go back to your regular activities after 2-4 weeks, but that doesn't mean that everything is going to feel okay.

[MusicianDad]

My opinion... She may have lied, she may not have lied. It honestly doesn't matter. The friendship can probably be saved but you would have to first apologize for the question, it really is one that can be offensive even if you didn't intend it to be, and you would have to work on finding ways for the two of you to connect in other ways. You also need to understand that rapid weight loss after surgery doesn't mean the surgery was intended to cause the weight loss. My dad recently (earlier this year) had a coronary by-pass surgery and it really did change his entire lifestyle. One result of that is he lost about 50 lbs in a very short span of time because he started eating healthier and exercising more. He became healthier and for him that meant he lost weight.

My guess would be she did have surgery for a hiatal hernia and found her self loosing weight while in the hospital/home recovering and decided to take this as a chance to loose the weight she may have been wanting to shed for a long time before that.

Originally Posted by journeymom

Holy cow, people. The OP's friend told her she had surgery. Do you all get that part? She said she thought they had the kind of friendship where one could follow up that revelation with a logical question -was it lap band surgery?


Millefleur I don't think your question was out of line, it was completely logical. However, apparently your friend doesn't want to talk about it. That's also completely acceptable. It's really too bad the messages you got from her are so mixed and confusing. Your disappointment and sadness is completely understandable.

Um, I think the logical question would be "what sort of surgery was it? Have you recovered all right?".

[texmati]

I dunnoo... it could be just from hard work-- I gained and lost roughly 70 pounds in a span of 2 years. Just emotional issues that were resolved and allowed me to quit emotionally eating.