Hubby doesn't want BF in our bed.

[monica82]

My DH is VERY PRO-Breastfeeding. I nursed and then went to just pumping w/ our DS by time he was 4 mo old. Hubby lost a brother to SIDS when he was very young & I know he/we are very paranoid/concerned about that issue. I am 13 weeks pregnant & somehow the issue came up. He is concerned something will happen. I did it last time but ended up pumping while he would feed a bottle-mostly b/c we had issues w/ nursing. How do you make yourself stay awake and sit up every time baby wants to nurse in the middle of the night??? I think my hubby isn't being understanding & he's being very mean about it. I would like to not use the pump if possible this time around-especially since I'm a SAHM now. Any suggestions/advice...?

[rhiOrion]

I don't generally stay awake while she nurses in the night. But she sleeps with her head and back on me (butt and legs on the bed sometimes), and I keep my arm curled up around her, so there is nowhere for her to go.

There is some research to suggest that the risk of SIDS is actually lower when the baby sleeps with you, because your breathing patterns help theirs.

But if your partner is really just too freaked out about it, then maybe sidecarring the crib up to your bed would work well for you? Take one side off the crib and push it up to the bed. Unless your bed is very sturdy you'd probably want to attach it with bungees or zipties or something. Google it. Then you can nurse during the night and then scootch baby over into the crib (though we have done that and she still sleeps on me because she hates the crib)

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by rhiOrion

There is some research to suggest that the risk of SIDS is actually lower when the baby sleeps with you, because your breathing patterns help theirs.

Also, breastfeeding helps to protect against SIDS, and co-sleeping helps moms to breastfeed longer than otherwise.

interesting info:
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/safe.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mc...iological.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mc...cosleeping.pdf

I totally feel for you with the sit up and nurse thing. I was so happy co-sleeping with my little one until he got really bad reflux (causing breathing issues ) and now I have to nurse him upright and keep him upright for 30 min after a feed. Night nursing sucks now.

[smpayne]

I always had to breastfeed sitting up. I had enough trouble trying to get a correct latch sitting, that trying it lying down was more uncomfortable and more trouble than it was worth.

I would not discount your dh fears. Get a really comfy rocker/chair and a medela nursing stool (I like the angle the medela stool puts your legs, it keeps baby in place better) I found that I would fall asleep in the rocker while nursing and baby was just fine and I still got some sleep. Once baby is born, and a routine is established, reality sometime calms unrealistic fears.

Try nursing in bed when both you and dh are wide awake, let him see how it works and study SIDS together and talk to some experts. Be willing to compromise, after baby passes a certain age/stage dh may be more open to breastfeeding in bed.

[Ruthla]

My parents lost a baby to SIDS before I was born. I obviously never knew him nor was I directly impacted by his death, but I grew up in the shadow of SIDS and always knew that babies could suddenly die, without warning.

When DD1 was an infant, I was paranoid about her dying in her sleep. I couldn't fall asleep if I wasn't touching her- I always slept with my hand on her back (the "official advice" was for babies to sleep on their tummies in 1994) feeling her breathing- otherwise I wouldn't have been able to relax enough to sleep.

And anyway, I was never able to nurse lying down with a baby under 3mo or so-not with my first baby (when I thought I'd "figured it out" when she was 3mo), not with my 2nd baby (when I was tandem nursing a toddler who nursed in all kinds of crazy positions) and not with my 3rd (when I had two school aged kids and was already a breastfeeding "expert"). Something about the baby getting enough head control so I only had to hold my breast (I or J cup) and not the breast AND the baby's head while lying down. I had no choice but to sit up (either in bed or in a chair) to nurse a tiny baby during the night.

Your DH is being very unfair to let HIS fears interfere with you and your baby's breastfeeding relationship. I would bluntly tell him that he has a choice: he can research BF and cosleeping safety, or he can shut up and let you make all the breastfeeding decisions, since you're the one who's going to be doing the breastfeeding. It's understandable that he's scared of SIDS, but he has to grow up and realize that you're also doing all you can to keep the baby safe and healthy,and that you'e looking beyond the propaganda to see what's REALLY safe.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Your DH is being very unfair to let HIS fears interfere with you and your baby's breastfeeding relationship. I would bluntly tell him that he has a choice: he can research BF and cosleeping safety, or he can shut up and let you make all the breastfeeding decisions, since you're the one who's going to be doing the breastfeeding. It's understandable that he's scared of SIDS, but he has to grow up and realize that you're also doing all you can to keep the baby safe and healthy,and that you'e looking beyond the propaganda to see what's REALLY safe.

[Bellabaz]

I agree with the pp about the safety and research stuff. I also would like to say that I believe compromise in family is important and it is great that you hear your hubby out about his fears. But with breastfeeding, my bottom line is that when he grows the boobs and starts nursing at 2 am, he can decide when where and how. Until then, I will do as I please because frankly a cranky me is not making anyone happy either.

[isabchi]

Oh Mama.. I feel you pain..actually your DH pain... He need to growing to his fear. I second he must read James Mackenna.
http://www.amazon.com/Sleeping-Your-.../dp/1930775342
Best for you!

[womenswisdom]

Look at it this way - if you are so tired that you are falling asleep sitting up with the baby on a couch or in a recliner, that is actually MUCH more dangerous than intentionally bedsharing. Suffocations deaths (not SIDS) are most common when an overtired parent falls asleep holding the baby on a non-sleep surface and the baby slips down and becomes wedged and unable to breathe. It doesn't sound like he's actually worried about SIDS, because SIDS is not something you can cause. It sounds like he's afraid of overlying, which is an entirely different thing. SIDS risk can be reduced by bedsharing safely and breastfeeding. Share some research with him and he might start to feel differently once he's operating from a place of facts rather than fear.

[monica82]

I think i've been sensitive to his fears...in lots of ways they have became my fears as well. I already have anxiety & am naturally a big worrier-so I'm not an extra relaxed person/mom to begin with. I am aware that SIDS is different than if something were to actually happen. I did nurse him in the glider & on the couch. I agree...falling asleep upright seems more dangerous than laying down. We slept w/ a pack n play w/ DS. I do have a problem though b/c I'm not sure if we r moving before baby is born or not. There are 2 bedrooms on 3rd floor where DS & we are now. Baby won't have own room unless we make the basement ours. DS is still using his/our glider now & not sure how to take it away from him. I did and will attempt to nurse sitting up-I even did that in our bed. But I am just trying to be realistic & realize that more than likely, I will fall asleep sometimes. He says that we have more important things to worry/talk about then that right now. He hates confrontation, so he's just avoiding discussing it again. I'm upset and hurt. I feel like he's questioning my instincts and abilities.

[mistymama]

Do you think he would feel better if you used something like a snugglenest? That way the baby can be in your bed, but you have somewhere "safe" to put the baby to sleep.

I bought one to use because dh is afraid of rolling over on the baby. I figure if it helps him get comfortable with the baby in our bed, it's worth it to me. Seems like it could be a good compromise for you.

[rhiOrion]

Originally Posted by mistymama

Do you think he would feel better if you used something like a snugglenest? That way the baby can be in your bed, but you have somewhere "safe" to put the baby to sleep.

I bought one to use because dh is afraid of rolling over on the baby. I figure if it helps him get comfortable with the baby in our bed, it's worth it to me. Seems like it could be a good compromise for you.

Oh yeah, the snuggle nest is a great idea!

[happysmileylady]

I cannot "co-sleep" with baby actually in bed with us, we have too many risk factors, not to mention that my fears of suffocation, and DH's are just too high. We have a cradle that is at the end of the bed. When Raeanna was little, she slept in the cradle, and when she woke up wanting to nurse, DH actually got her. The routine was, I sat up, grabbed a bunch of pillows and set them up behind my back for support. I also grabbed the boppy to help hold her. While I was doing that, DH changed her diaper. Then when I was situated, he handed her to me and I nursed her sitting up. Most of the time, he would stay up and we would talk a little bit too. When she was done nursing, I would gently lay her back down and we would both go back to sleep.

There was a time or two that I fell asleep holding her, but it wasn't long and it was only if DH was so tired he just couldn't stay up to keep me awake. And I usually needed a huge glass of water while nursing anyway, so DH was also in charge of going all the way downstairs into the kitchen and getting me fresh water. So that helped keep us both up as well.

For us though, she was sttn at 4 wks, 6 hrs at a time, and by 8 wks, she was sleeping 12 hrs solid. I am not sure how it would have evolved had she not started sttn for a while longer.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Have you had a discussion with your DH about what SIDS really is? It seems like he's blurring the line between suffocation and SIDS, which are entirely different. If his brother died of SIDS, he didn't suffocate. He died "suddenly" of unexplained causes.

I, personally, feel like the risk of a baby suffocating alone in a crib is far higher than the risk of a baby suffocating while nursing/sleeping next to his mother, assuming mother is healthy, not obese, not intoxicated or under the influence of drugs(prescription or otherwise) that affect reactions, etc.

[AislinCarys]

Do you realize that your baby is more at risk if you just decide not co-sleep, as opposed to researching it and doing it safely?

The reason is your bed will not be set-up to co-sleep safely, and you may not be aware of what the actual risks are.

I've read that a study in Britain asked parents if they ever brought their babies into bed with them - and 80 or 90% said they had done that at some point in the baby's first 2 months. Although quite few actually co-slept, and most of them considered co-sleeping un-safe.

Of the mums I know, even the ones most opposed to co-sleeping have at some point been exhausted and brought baby into bed with them.

At which time, of course, they had not read up on the safety, bed was full of duvets and fluffy pillows (and the mother would think it was so dangerous anyway, so why would it matter? Apart from being to tired to think about it at the time), and, often, the father DID NOT KNOW the baby was in the bed!

Last year a British study on co-sleeping and sids was published. It was pointed out that it was perfectly safe to co-sleep - safely. However, there were several babies in the study that died on the sofa. And in those cases, the parents specifically believed that co-sleeping was dangerous, and was therefore getting up and feeding the babies on the sofa.

One of the main researchers went out publicly when some papers tried angle the findings ("co-sleeping babies die"), and declared co-sleeping perfectly safe, and that he recommended it over sleeping alone!

This is the study:

http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/abstr.../oct13_1/b3666

[isign]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

I cannot "co-sleep" with baby actually in bed with us, we have too many risk factors, not to mention that my fears of suffocation, and DH's are just too high. We have a cradle that is at the end of the bed. When Raeanna was little, she slept in the cradle, and when she woke up wanting to nurse, DH actually got her. The routine was, I sat up, grabbed a bunch of pillows and set them up behind my back for support. I also grabbed the boppy to help hold her. While I was doing that, DH changed her diaper. Then when I was situated, he handed her to me and I nursed her sitting up. Most of the time, he would stay up and we would talk a little bit too. When she was done nursing, I would gently lay her back down and we would both go back to sleep.

There was a time or two that I fell asleep holding her, but it wasn't long and it was only if DH was so tired he just couldn't stay up to keep me awake. And I usually needed a huge glass of water while nursing anyway, so DH was also in charge of going all the way downstairs into the kitchen and getting me fresh water. So that helped keep us both up as well.

For us though, she was sttn at 4 wks, 6 hrs at a time, and by 8 wks, she was sleeping 12 hrs solid. I am not sure how it would have evolved had she not started sttn for a while longer.

This was us. We did/do co-sleep, but I never could lying down. In the beginning, he would wake up and change them for me. #1 STTN early, #2 is 20 months and the idea of STTN hasn't entered her head yet. Still, I grab pillows, and on she goes. Always nursed that way.

[lerlerler]

Explain the studies mentioned above and tell him that while you respect his opinions that are contrary to your beliefs (and fact)? you won't PAY for his opinions that are contrary to your beliefs.
OK, no BF in bed? He can get up at night, change diapers, bring you the baby, you nurse sitting up, he stays awake through the whole process then takes the baby, burps the baby and gets it back to sleep.

How long do you think THAT will last?