Working and Lonely...

[Mama_of_1]

Anyone in this predicament?

I work, that's a given right now. By the time I get home, there's no time for "me" let alone time to get together with my friends. The weekends are filled with errands, cleaning, big-kid projects, and having "family" time. My best friend does not have kids and lives 40+ miles away with a husband on a very weird schedule so she cannot do anything except when he is working on Sunday and she's not precommitted to something else months in advance. The rest of my friends that are close are either "detachment" parents, or don't have kids full time so it's more difficult to connect and bond over our experiences. There's a local "mom's" group but they all stay at home full time and it's just too much of a different life. (I'd like to have a clean house, too, but have resolved to living in a constant state of disorganization and ire. )

What do you do to stay connected and keep your individuality?

How do you make time for hobbies and/or pampering?

How do you keep your sanity?

[Peepsqueak]

With real young children (under 3 years or nonschool age) it is a challenge to balance it all. With my kids getting older I have taken on a couple of hobbies of my own even though my family begrudges it. I like horses and do horseback riding and am taking care of a young horse. That is my time for me and my interest outside of home right now. Since I work a lot I use this as my time.

[_ktg_]

I'm where you are- lots of errands, or family time and very little or none of "me time".
What do you do to stay connected and keep your individuality?
We used to invite a family over for breakfast on the weekend and the mom & I would chat it up. Now they are expecting their 3rd and that's a no-go anymore

How do you make time for hobbies and/or pampering?
Hobbies - ummmmm pretty much non-existant anymore
Pampering - again non-existant given the craziness of the boys, but often times I sneak in watching old seasons of "Lost" during their naptime

How do you keep your sanity?

- its gone my friend, gone

[poppan]

In short, I don't think I really do any of these things right now (at least, not well)!

What do you do to stay connected and keep your individuality?
I stay up late to knit or veg out on MDC. I call my friends on my cell phone when I'm driving to home or work. We have a few "couple" friends that we invite over as a family for weekend BBQs, but not very often. We're a bit too antisocial to enjoy entertaining.

How do you make time for hobbies and/or pampering?
I stay up late to read books I can't put down or watch TV shows on demand. I have given up entirely on pampering. I get my hair cut once a year and pluck my own eyebrows. Three months ago I cut out on work early and got a pedicure.

How do you keep your sanity?
I remind myself that my kids are this young once and that it will all be over too soon.

[1jooj]

I started posting a reply this morning but quit because I thought I sounded too whiny to be helpful.

I WAH/WOH (mktg writer) with 2 kids, dd6yo and ds9yo. I also have a small farm. Dh travels extensively for work, with most trips lasting at least 2 weeks. Most of the time, I am too wiped to do any of the things you asked about, but once in a while work and the farm both slow down while the kids are in school and dh is on the road.

I keep my individuality mostly through my work on the farm. I have friends at work, but I love spending quiet time busting my @$$ in the barn, cleaning and caring for animals. I also try to write for pleasure when I'm not totally tapped out by work. I have a couple of friends through my religious community with kids of similar age, but they are SAHMs...so I often feel like I don't contribute as much as I'd like to our relationship.

I stay connected with dh also through farm work. We have the best time together working on farm stuff. We weed, mend fence, treat animals, clean barn, move hay together. We do the lighter chores together with the kids, like collecting eggs, weeding, harvesting vegetables, feeding chickens and such.

I don't pamper myself enough, but once in a while I find time to whirlpool for an hour after a workout at the Y. Not during summer, but during the school year. I'd like to go for a massage or something, but don't have dependable childcare that I'd use for that--I feel like my childcare hours need to be used for work.

I do once in a while sneak out to lunch with a work friend or meet a friend for coffee.

But mostly, I do like poppan. I don't get haircuts, pluck my own eyebrows, don't do makeup (no time!). And I try to look forward to the downtime we do have. When dh is home and I get a chance to sneak out on my own, I usually go out for a long run or workout to get my mind right.

I'm working a lot harder on being in the moment--whether it's the kids, work, dh or the farm. I need to appreciate where I am rather than rely on looking forward to the next phase.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Lonely, yes, very.
I got to work before my family is awake, pick ds up at 3pm and then I'm home alone until 8:30. I work a longer day on Fridays, and then on Saturday dh is at work, while I'm home.

To help, I get up early and go to yoga (6am class). I get together at the pool with other Moms as much as I can. As soon as dh gets home from work it is officially "me" time.

Sometimes on the weekend, i get up really early so I can have coffee in peace and call some friends on the east coast.

I surf MDC a lot and check in on facebook.

[cakemama579]

It's kind of funny (weird, not haha), but this seems to be a problem for SAHMs too-- must be a kind of universal state of motherhood...how to find time for oneself.

It has been a struggle for me too since my DS was born (he's 2.5). I was the first of my girlfriends to have a baby, and now, 2 years later some are beginning to catch up, but many are still at the bars on the weekends!

I have managed to make friends with some women that have babies/children. Someone suggested above to have couples with children over for things like brunch-- and I have to agree. Centering a gathering around food and inviting the whole family along might be just the amount of companionship that you need-- reminds me of the old phrase, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".. right? If you can't get a moment alone to enjoy your friends, bring everyone in on it.

And as far as finding those friends that share in your belief system, I don't know, I think you might be selling yourself short if you write off the SAHMs in the mom's club so soon... at least many of them are likely to have the same feelings you do with regard to lonliness.. and hey, they probably have a pretty open schedule to be able to meet with you when it is convenient for you!

Good luck.

[Prairiemother]

Originally Posted by Mama_of_1

(I'd like to have a clean house, too, but have resolved to living in a constant state of disorganization and ire. )

I love that! That about describes me, too!

I work part-time and I don't have enough time to socialize, either. I guess that's why, when I have a few spare moments, I spend some time here.

I do sometimes hang out with friends who are SAHM. We have kids in common, even if we aren't living quite the same life style. Still is nice to chat about something with another adult!

[1jooj]

You know, I really do find that it's less about finding someone with a similar lifestyle and more about finding someone who is a good friend. I agree about SAHM friends' having more flexible schedules. I have a really tight schedule. My days are bookended by milking goats, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room morning/evening. During the day I work at my job, take care of housework and my kids, and run errands (like groceries, bank, feed store). My friends help work around this to get together, and also don't mind coming here (in barn clothes!) and lending a hand while I get chores done. Sometimes they bring dinner ingredients and we'll throw together a meal. Other times, I am in town running errands and have an hour to spare, and I can call and pop in for a quick visit. Like I said, I feel sometimes like I'm always receiving the "goods" in the friendship, but I try to reciprocate.

Our kids aren't exact age matches and have over time become more like siblings or close cousins.

And the house? Ugh, forget it. Kids are getting older and more able to help, but my house will never be 100%.

[Mama_of_1]

When DS is here, he does help out quite a bit. He's almost 11 now so we ask him to take on his share of household chores as a part of his household "membership." When he's gone for the summer, I definitely notice it. My stress level skyrockets because there's more on me to do. DH definitely helps out but some stuff still defaults to the "wife" role. You know???

I guess in a mixed-bag sort of way, I am looking forward to when DD will be a little bit more self-sufficient, mobile, whatever. Then I can have both hands free when I am home. Then again, I will definitely miss just being able to scoop her up in my arms and carry her around just for the reconnection time.

Ah, the choices we make, huh?!

[babycarrier]

Balancing it all is hard I do believe no matter how you cut it. I try to take it in waves and recognize why I'm feeling overwhelmed when I do and take some measure to help it out.

Lonely is an interesting word. I guess I'm surrounded by people all the time but feeling pretty lonely.