logistics of co-parenting

[simplemama32]

If you have any kind of semi-amicable, good co-parenting relationship with your child's father, could you give me tips and examples of how that works in real-life? I'm about to read Mom's House, Dad's House...just haven't had a chance yet, and also wanted to see how other MDC mamas handled it.

I guess I have this vision in my head of weekly co-parenting meetings, or lots of tense conversations about the big things like discipline. Among other things, I'm nervous 1.) about how to interact with stbx. I know it's best to keep the relationship on a friendly, businesslike level, but what happens when we disagree about parenting choices? Also, he doesn't have an email account (my preferred way of communicating), and he has almost no experience with computers, so I'm not sure he would be willing to get one so we could communicate that way.

And 2.) how best to handle mention of stbx with DS (he's only 2 now, so this will be more applicable as he gets older). I will of course not be saying negative things about DS's father around him, and will encourage their relationship, but with things like visitations...I'm naturally curious and interested about DS's day, wherever he is, and want to hear about it, but I don't want to come across like I'm digging for information about stbx. Especially, because I kind of am. Well, not specifically about him, but about what DS is being fed, and looking for clues as to whether stbx is handling discipline, general care, etc. appropriately.

So, if you don't mind sharing, what does your co-parenting relationship look like? Do you try to be on the same page with parenting issues, or do you think that's even possible? Do you have regular communication about your child(ren), or only if something comes up that the other needs to know about?

[carriemama]

We've only been doing this for 6 months, but it's been working really well so far. Whoever has DD (2yo) texts every evening with a summary of her day, what she had for dinner, how everything is generally. If there are bigger things (problem at daycare, need to change schedule, etc) we communicate by email. We catch up in person during drop-off/pick-up one or twice a week. We rarely talk on the phone. We are lucky, though, that we are very amicable. I always ask DD about what she's done with her dad - I don't think it's digging, and I know he would tell me anyway - we're very open about what we do on weekends with her, etc.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I moved out this winter. Things are really good between STBX and me. He calls DS every night at bedtime. And since 3 yr olds aren't much for phone conversations, that's where we tend to do our information swaps and scheduling discussions. Plus emails. I need to be flexible about alternating weekends because STBX is military. Things come up, so we shuffle.

If he's been out of town for a while, usually we'll arrange an impromptu visit. One thing that's been good is that DS was really having trouble with overnights. So for the past several months, we've been doing just one night. (He'd come home for bedtime on the other visitation days). And thanks to a suggestion here, I quit calling or Skyping to say good night on those weekends. That really seemed to help. We're just now going to try 2 nights in a row again as an experiment.


There are ups and downs, but we both work hard at keeping things civil. It can be done! I suspect we'll be one of those couples who people wonder why we got divorced if we can stand each other. (There's more to life than tolerating each other's presence!)

[meemee]

we have been doing this for over 4 years now.

i am not sure how to put this. i feel we have a great situation for dd.

ex and i still dont get along. he and i agree on certain things and NOT on others. for instance we are kinda on the same page with food and discipline. KINDA though. my dd is a super independent person. he doesnt respect that. to him she is a child and needs to be told what to do. that is the worst thing you could do to her.

however the reason why i say we have a great situation is because - our dd gets to decide. even at 18 months if its mom's time but dd wants daddy then she goes with daddy. of course it depends on what our schedule is.

i think that is ONE thing that has made the biggest difference.

now your points.
1. ex and i still have an explosive relationship. he is still super super mad with me. there is no communication or very little. when dd was having a hard time in K i researched schools and told ex what was going on and which school i wanted dd to go to. he wasnt happy about the change because it meant he had to drive her to school rather than walk but there really wasnt anything he could do. he kinda wanted her at her old school because of his convenience.

there are many things i have had to overlook because even tho i didnt like them, it wasnt a HUGE thing.

i rarely talk face to face. its mostly short conversatins over the phone. and i never speak from my point of view, but my dd's. i notice that makes a HUGE difference.

2. i never dig. i did in the beginning and discovered i really wanted to know what ex was upto. so i stopped. here is why. no matter what i trust ex completely. he is a safe, safe father. i have never doubted him. i dont wanna know what ex does with dd. in a sense i get to know becasue dd does tell me. she is either excited to tell me or tells me something else later.

we have no communication except if the other parent needs to know.

and yet in a strange sort of way - without it being in the open ex and i operate from trusting each other. dd is almost 8. her class teacher stepped in when ex needed reminding not to bad mouth mom in front of child. that was really strange because ex has never ever done that. he stopped too when dd's class teacher spoke to him. i imagine he was under a lot of stress. however i will say i gave up child support to have this peace. which i absolutely do not regret. however in a sense i do get CS because ex buys everything that dd needs like her clothes and shoes. i get her her school things.

i am a laid back parent. ex is a v. structured parent. i differ with him completely the way he parents. he does not respect dd's need for independence. he cannot. dd gets frustrated and cries sometimes. and i help her to see things thru his point of view. and in a way having two parenting style has really been beneficial to dd. kinda made her stronger. and learnt how to deal with opposing styles. her teacher a single dad himself has pointed this out. i am attibuting it to dealing with two different households. she is better able to deal with ups and downs of life. like if things dont go her way she doesnt completely lose it.

but the key has been allowing dd to have the main say in who she wants to stay with. for instance summer holidays. we have one day on one day off with weekends with me. but we change that all the time depending if something comes up. or now in summer if dd wants to hang out with one of us longer. like last week dd stayed with dad from tues to friday. its so rare that she wants to stay with him longer that i celebrate that. finally he is getting what he needs to do with dd to make her time with him much more fun.

its only in the last year or so that he does what dd wants to do. he is an introvert and dd is an extrovert. its only this year he would take dd to a party that he had to go to.

but things have definitely gotten better over the years. ex has more confidence parenting dd as she grew up rather than when she was young.

[simplemama32]

[QUOTE=RollerCoasterMama;15613773]I moved out this winter. Things are really good between STBX and me. He calls DS every night at bedtime. And since 3 yr olds aren't much for phone conversations, that's where we tend to do our information swaps and scheduling discussions. QUOTE]

That's more or less what we're doing right now, or trying to do. Stbx is still angry with me about the whole situation, we're both uncertain of how to treat each other, and I'm trying not to be too controlling about "we need to discuss X, Y, and Z." Things are still very new and raw, though, and I'm hoping for a friendly working relationship in the long run.

I do think it would be a good start for me to give a brief summary of DS's day, though. I've been prompting DS with telling daddy about his day, but well, like you said, he's really young and gets sidetracked very easily. "Hi, daddy!" and "Night-night!" are pretty much the extent of the conversation.

meemee -- Very good points. At the risk of sounding completely dense, would you mind going into more detail about how you talk to your X from your dd's point of view? STBX and I are already at odds about where DS will attend daycare, and really need to have a conversation about that soon. We're currently living in different towns (only about 20-30 minutes apart), and STBX wants DS to attend a daycare in his town. I would rather the daycare be in my town because DS's primary residence will be here, and I'll be the one doing drop-off/pick-up 95% of the time.

So, when I approach STBX about this, if I did it from DS's POV, then I would need to discuss the benefits to DS (like less travel time in the car seat, which he hates) as opposed to saying it was more convenient for me...? Things like that?

I think you make a good point about trusting your ex. STBX has his faults as a parent, but he loves DS and is trying hard to be a good dad. On my part, I know I like to be in control, so I need to work on letting go.

dd gets frustrated and cries sometimes. and i help her to see things thru his point of view.

I hope I can be wise enough to do this as DS gets older.

[meemee]

simplemama it took a long time. it didnt happen overnight. i also had to play a diplomatic role.

yup yup. just like that. focusing on how much ds hates car as opposed to convenient for you.

initially anything that makes life easier for you - is bad.

does he have a car? on the 5% that he has to pick up or drop off if he has to use public transportation would it make it tough? like an hour on the bus one way?

any of what i describe mama didnt happen overnight. i had to do a LOT of inner work. what truly helped was when i was able to make a shift and see ex also as a parent who is trying to do the best he can. THAT was key. it really calmed me and did not upset me even when he chose mothers day to be the day he chose to pick the biggest fight ever. or be the meanest to me.

due to the inner work i was able to continue to see him for who he was. for the good man inside whom i had married. and i knew that was the side he had taken away from me, but that was the side dd saw. and so it was easy to share with dd the love he had for her. she has overheard other family members talk about his childhood so she has an idea of why he is who he is. but this only happened after she turned 5.

for me i really connect with the parent within him. it was tough when dd was under 5. i wanted to run and fix all the mistakes. but i also knew he had to learn from experience. but i also had kept my expectations low. all i wanted from him was to love our dd and keep her safe. anything else was icing on the cake. and that is what has happened. though as time passes and dd grows up i see more icing on the cake than i did before.

however we are not divorced. nor do we have anything in writing. i am ok with it. but i think that has really helped forcing us to work together instead of strictly defining what role we should play.

[simplemama32]

Thanks so much! I really appreciate your insight.

I've already dived into that inner work business you mention...and egads, I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was! ;-P But seriously...I've a long way to go still, but at least I've started the journey, I guess.

[Oh the Irony]

Yeah, it takes some time. I had to let go of lots of anger and resentment and at first needed very strong boundaries.

4 years later and we have a great co-parenting thing going on--and has been really good for the last year.

I am quite fortunate in that our lifestyle choices and parenting philosophies are very similar. That makes a BIG difference in co-parenting. I think when you have opposing views on things you have to let a lot more go. And deal with transitions with the kids more.

One of the things that I really grieved at first was that loss of knowing what goes on in their lives. We've gotten now where we share those details. If something really special happens for one of the kids, I'll call him and let him know. He appreciates that and I can call when the kids are with him (or he'll call) and tell me what they are up to. It is all really pleasant. So we share the stories. It helps the kids to know that we both know what is up. We don't do a formal meeting--it is just casual phone talk. Which captures the essence better than email. Business stuff I'll do email for.

And we have always set the schedule according to what we want and it is very flexible. He's welcome to see them if we don't have plans and I can go get them on "his" time if I want to take them somewhere. It has worked very well for us.

So my advice: be patient and gentle with both of you as you figure this out. In early days, yes, keep discussion to the kids and finances. Don't look to share your emotional life with him and don't get caught up in his if he tries to share. Disconnect. Also, let go. Things may be different at dad's house. You have no control over it. That's not bad unless neglect or abuse are involved.

So if you disagree about parenting choices there may just be disagreement. You may have to just accept that. And grieve. There is SO much more to grieve than the loss of a relationship... But if you can demonstrate that you don't get mad and listen to his choices and discuss then you may get somewhere. My way or the highway won't work.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

So if you disagree about parenting choices there may just be disagreement. You may have to just accept that. And grieve. There is SO much more to grieve than the loss of a relationship... But if you can demonstrate that you don't get mad and listen to his choices and discuss then you may get somewhere. My way or the highway won't work.

ooooh beautiful wise words mama. this just made me bawl.

i have never thought about it ever but you are so right about the bolded part. oh gosh there IS so much to grieve!!!!! once you get out of the loss of relationship space you are in.

another HUGE factor in making our relationship work. was for ME to have a sense of fairness. i have ALWAYS operated from there. mind you things are still explosive btw ex and me - its more about his own tormented self rather than our philosophies - which is the reason i feel bad for him, but its soooo important to find your sense of fairness and not go by what society says is fair.

so things that society has pointed out and are mad at me for not following are.

1. child support. i have had it and seen how our relationship is. and gone without. and i prefer it that way. HOWEVER he does pay. in kind. he buys dd all her stuff - clothes, shoes, etc. so in a sense he IS doing his responsibility which to me is fair.

2. the other thing that i hear a lot is why are you helping him. why are you being his mother. you shouldnt do things for him. he needs to grow up and do it. yes i can see why they say that. but life is not that simple. i call ex and remind him of things. i call and ask him if he wants to take dd to a bday party or me. if there is something great happening on his day i tell him about it and ask him if he wants to take dd or me. last year when the country fair was here i told him i have no money to take her so could he take her. plus of course i get too sick on the rides.

asking him for help has really helped their relationship. i am not the only one doing things. he is too.

initially when dd was wearing diapers i sent diapers even though i knew he had them at home if i knew they were going somewhere.

dd was pt faster at my place and was still wearing diapers at his place. i did not give him shit about that.

i feel a give and take is very necessary for myself and for my dd. one of the main reasons i do it is because i have a lot of compassion for ex. for the personal hell he lives in. i have v. v. strict boundaries with him. and i have strongly insisted upon them - and when it came to important decisions where i REALLY thought he was wrong and i was right (changing schools, which he later agreed with) i found a way to make sure it happened. thankfully. i dont expect that everytime. but i feel its only fair to 'support' him as a father as he tries to figure out his dd. he tries. that is all i expect out of him.

[Devaya]

My ex and I have been co-parenting since I moved out last October. MOstly it goes well, and every now and then there is a conflict - mainly due to X's denial around finances. Meemee, it's interesting that you stopped getting child support in the form of money and say it affected your relat with your X negatively - I would say it's number one up there in sources of stress between us. But I am not in a position to give it up and I also feel that basically it is his obligation - my parents provide all of DS's clothes and want to do that, so there is little that he could provide that would come close to equalling the important financial contribution. However, every month we have fights about it and I am sick of it.

We communicate most days via text (SMS) message, and sometimes talk onthe phone. We do not do well face to face, I 've found he gets too defensive in person and we usually end up arguing. We have VERY different approaches - he sees the parent as the boss, basically, although he is also sensitive to DS's needs and knows how to talk to him in a respectful way most of the time. We disagree on schooling, vaccinations and things like co-sleeping etc. But actually our disagreements are less relevant now that we no longer live together.

I don't ask him much except basic handover info - what did he eat, did he nap, etc. We keep meaning to have regular proper 'meetings' but between our busy schedules this very rarely happens. I do ask DS briefly what he did at Daddy's but he's not quite 3 yet and so I can never be sure it's entirely accurate I do worry that he doesn't take him out enough but like Meemee said, I just consider him taking good care of DS the priority, and don't expect everything to be perfect or the way I would do it.

Perhaps I still need to do some inner work on respecting my X, though, as you m entioned, Meemee - I think I still have a lot of bitterness towards him in some ways and this leads me to not respect him that much as a parent and person. Part of me still thinks I know best with regards to DS's needs b/c I've always been WAY more connected to him and my X was hardly around when we were together. But I have to recognise their relat is developing on its own terms now, and I'm happy to see that happen.