Spin Off - do you allow your kids to talk to strangers?

[Boot]

This is a spin off from another thread. I was surprised that this is something some people don't allow. My DS (3) chats to people all. the. time. I think it's cute and funny. He starts telling them some complicated story about his friend's dog or something. I often have to step in to explain. Of course, I don't let him interrupt, or bother people or be rude in any way but most people seem to enjoy talking to him. I honestly don't see how that can be any possible harm. Am I unusual?

[MittensKittens]

I do. I think it is good. When kids talk to strangers all the time, they learn many things. They learn that some people would rather not interact with random kids, they learn that many people are kind and funny, and they learn instinctively which stranger interactions are somehow "off".

[moxygirl]

My 7mo isn't talking yet but he's a very social child and is the delight of every sales person's/cashier's/customer's/random person's eye. EVERYONE talks to him. I certainly don't expect that to stop as he gets older and it would never occur to me not to let him interact with them, or to forbid them to interact with him. As long as I or my husband are right there (before he's old enough to interact with strangers on his own - I don't know yet when that would be. It would probably depend on the child), I can't see the harm, honestly. If there were an instance where something was obviously "off", we would remove him and ourselves from the situation and explain to him in an age-appropriate way why that was necessary. We will also, of course, explain the "rules" of stranger safety when it's appropriate.

[laohaire]

Yeah, DD talks to strangers all the time. She's 4 and she's always under parental supervision.

She picks excellent strangers to talk to as well. Almost exclusively ladies, and ones who are nice and like children. There's one lady I can think of in town who likes children but I think she's a little "off" - and DD doesn't really talk to her (just barely enough to be polite and then she's off). I've also seen her outright refuse to talk to a person or two (the one I'm thinking of was kind of creepy and I ignored him as well). So she's discriminate, and I'm happy about it.

I think it's good for her safety, if she ever needed adult help (lost somewhere) I think she'd choose a very good adult.

And she's learned a lot about approaching people. I have no doubt if she needed help she would be able to choose a good person, and communicate her needs well.

[Cujobunny]

Absolutely. I think it's important for children to be comfortable talking to people. If they were ever in trouble & needed help I would hope that they would ask someone before the wrong person came to them and "offered" help! I have talked to them about what kind of people to ask for help if they do get separated from me and I have asked them while out shopping or whatever, who would they ask for help if they couldn't find me.

Both my kids are very outgoing and chatty and I don't have any problem with them talking to anyone. They are learning to trust their instincts.

[Drummer's Wife]

Of course. We all talk to strangers most days, right? (at least days that we leave the house - and even when not, we are talking online with strangers .)

I would never tell them don't talk to strangers - even before I read Protecting the Gift. They say hi to people at the post office, if they feel comfortable enough, and wave to others walking their dogs. None of my kids are shy, fwiw, and make friends when playing at the park with little ones who are essentially strangers.

[ann_of_loxley]

I would like to think my sons would follow their instincts. If someone makes them uncomfortable - then they don't have to talk to them. Ds2 is only 11 weeks... But DS1 often feels shy and usually takes ahwile to warm up to people. I never force him to talk to anyone - but if he feels he wants to, I don't see why not.

[Angela512]

My issue wasn't so much about my daughter talking to strangers and all...it was that she was so forthcoming with our home address and phone number. That used to just give me the heebie jeebies.

But, she was, is and always will be a social butterfly and I don't want to discourage that. I'm just glad she got to the point of remembering that just because people are nice to talk to at the store/train/etc., does not mean that you need to give them your home address and phone number. Once we got past that little doozy, it's all good.

[Cyllya]

"Don't talk to strangers" never made any sense to me. I couldn't even figure out what the heck my parents were expecting of me when they made this rule.

In fact, I don't think any parent who says, "don't talk to strangers," actually means, "don't talk to strangers." A stranger is anyone with whom you're not acquainted. Acquainted means brought into social contact. (I knew this as a kid and I checked the dictionary just now to make sure I haven't been mistaken all these years.) Once someone comes up and says something like, "Hi, I'm Bob; I live down the street," he's now an acquaintance, not a stranger. But your parents still don't want you talking to him. At the same time, they don't want you snubbing your new classmates.

What they mean is, "Don't talk to anyone we don't trust," or "Don't talk to anyone older than you unless we have given you permission to talk to that person." But they say something else and expect you to telepathically figure out what they actually mean.

Personally, I'd stick to telling my kid, "Don't give out your home address or our vacation plans to anyone unless we give you permission. And don't go in their house or car. And don't tell them the times of day you tend to be home alone." Or is that too complicated for a kid?

[rightkindofme]

My kid talks to strangers constantly. She is incredibly outgoing and friendly and I don't have a problem with that at all. After all, she totally got that from me.

Like a poster upthread, I have watched her check a person out and then decide not to talk to them. They are invariably people who feel kind of 'off' to me as well. I really appreciate that she is cultivating this intuition.

[JessieBird]

I think everyone should speak to strangers more often than we generally do. I am fairly shy and my close family members are not necessarily all shy but they do tend to be kind of formal. So we don't strike up conversations with strangers EVER unless it's within some expected context. DH's family, on the other hand - well they talk to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. It's hilarious. I think it's because they come from Newfoundland . Seriously, my FIL can't leave a coffee shop in less than three hours. He will know everyone in there by name and have seen all the photos in their wallets before he leaves. It's sometimes awkward for me the shy one to be tagging along and hardly practical if we are on a schedule but it's genuine and sincere and it brings sunshine into everyone's day. Truly. Where we live, people are generally fairly reserved and don't just strike up conversations at random and I'm learning that this is really too bad. From watching DH and his family, I see now that there's a whole dimension to our society that is missing.

Our DS is only 19 mos old and his personality so far is tending towards being reserved and shy. I'm not going to force him out of his comfort zone but nor will I ever discourage him, or any of his future siblings who may be chattier, from talking to strangers. I hope that I can find the right balance between ecnouraging interaction with the other people in our world and being safe by keeping certain information to ourselves.

[StrawberryFields]

In general, my kids are allowed to talk to strangers. Dd never will, in fact, she won't even talk to family (aunts, uncles) or familiar strangers (doctor, mail carrier, etc) when I am standing right there. She is very, very shy. Ds, OTOH, will talk someone's ear off.

We live on a big open electrical field and our backyard is not fenced. They are not allowed to talk to strangers in the field. That is one thing that I am not comfortable with. I don't think that any stranger walking through the field has any business with my kids and should not be talking to them. Passing by on the street, or in the store, at the doctor's office, etc., that is all totally fine. But a stranger in the field would have to be actively seeking my kids out and calling out to them, which raises a red flag for me.

[SubliminalDarkness]

When I or DH are with them, sure. But if they're ever in a situation where they're alone, no, they shouldn't talk to strangers.

[ThisCat]

Of course. I can't imagine why I wouldn't. They're 4 1/2 years old and 21 months old and are both quite chatty with strangers.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

I would like to think my sons would follow their instincts. If someone makes them uncomfortable - then they don't have to talk to them. Ds2 is only 11 weeks... But DS1 often feels shy and usually takes ahwile to warm up to people. I never force him to talk to anyone - but if he feels he wants to, I don't see why not.

Same here. DS#1 is usually shy right away, even with family members, but give him 5 mins or so to warm up and he's chatty kathy - center of attention - our little entertainer!

[FishBounce]

Absolutely not. My boys are 7 & 9 years old and I've always been that way with them. IME, most people find it outrageously annoying to have some random stranger's kids chattin them up. I don't want my boys bugging anyone.

[lucky_mia]

Oh good Lord, my children talk to everyone. They know safety rules but I think it is important, for many reasons, for them to be comfortable interacting with people.

[lilyka]

I have always let my kids talk to strangers. My children have so much better social skills than I ever did. They know how to introduce themselves and strike up a conversation and are good at it. They are interesting and pleasent. Sure some people get annoyed with random kids walking up and striking up a conversation (my youngest is not nearly as good at this as her sisters were at her age) but my kids learn how to read those cues and say good bye.

[Jenne]

Well, I've not btdt yet but I'd be a HORRIBLE HYPOCRITE if I said anything remotely like "don't talk to strangers." I talk to people I don't know *all* the time--local events, weather, compliments--I engage people. Heck, I once offered a woman in the grocery store a hug because she had been on the phone in the store crying and was still crying (although not on the phone) in the parking lot.

I will teach my kids safety skills--don't get in the car, accept toys/candy, if you feel unsafe go find another adult. Kids need real skills not blanket statements, I think. Also, if kids are told not to talk to strangers then if they are in community and need help that will be difficult for them. Police officers, firefighters, and such are all strangers. I certainly want my kids to feel comfortable with those types of strangers too.

I'm not sure I ever reveal our address or phone number but when approached in the grocery store at age 2-3 I once told a woman who told me I was cute that my Dad had a handsome p@nis and my Mom has a lovely v@gin@. I'm sure my mother wanted to disappear.

Jenne

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness

When I or DH are with them, sure. But if they're ever in a situation where they're alone, no, they shouldn't talk to strangers.

Why not?