Ohhh the teeth

[juju1]

So DS (3.5) has three holes in one of his front teeth. He's not into brushing his teeth and he never has been. It has ALWAYS been a battle. This is what I've tried over the past few years:

- I started by giving him the toothbrush to chew on (didn't want it)
- when he was a bit older I tried brushing them a bit myself (shut his mouth and cried)
- tried various you-do-mine-first/you play in the water while I brush yours/we use fingers instead of brushes etc etc etc (nope nope nope)
- eventually tried holding him down (oh the shame - I felt like maybe if we did it a few times then the battle would be over, but of course it was hideous and of course it just ramped the battle up)
- did nothing for a while hoping to start afresh
- then began what has since become endless explanations day after day night after night about looking after our bodies, what teeth do, why we need to look after them etc etc (which he listens to with interest but does not actually get any teeth brushed)
- various hideous "you can't do this/have that until we finish getting ready for bed - which includes brushing teeth" (which ends up as an awful stand off)
- a star chart (never that into it and totally uninterested after a week)
- deciding it wasn't worth it and having many blissful months of not worrying about teeth at all....

And then I noticed there were holes in his tooth. So we went back to a combination of endless explanations (including showing pictures of how teeth rot, which totally fascinated him and actually worked for 3 wonderful days) and stand offs. Neither of which work.

What to do???? How do I step back from the battle and teach him how to look after his teeth?

[poppan]

I don't really know mama just want to give a hug. I'm a little bit in the same boat with my DD but at least she will chew/suck on a toothbrush with a tiny bit of toothpaste on it. I am terrified that they have cavities or will get some because we don't brush much or well. We use DH's electric toothbrush once a week or so and chase them around to sit in the "dentist chair" (DH's lap) and then he brushes their teeth fast with the electric brush. We try to make it fun and I've heard other people say that they play games like pretending the child is a lion and he has to open his big lion mouth. The rest of the time they suck on their toothbrushes with the bit of toothpaste on it (no real brushing going on) -- I do try to demonstrate how you are supposed to brush your teeth but they don't really seem to get it.

The other thing I try to do is get them to drink some water after a meal or before bed--I heard it helps to rinse the sugars off the teeth. And I make sure there's no food stuck in between the teeth (i.e. I use floss if there's something stuck).

[mizzoh]

teeth battles are tough because it's not something you can ignore. what worked for us at that age was some playful parenting. i'd brush his teeth and "find" all sorts of things in there - usually stuff from our day. they foods he ate, the people we saw. another option is to buy him a cool looking battery operated one of his choosing (i know you can buy them in the shape of a fire truck, etc)

[luckymamaoftwo]

We also do the finding game and it works about 50% of the time.

[Oubliette8]

Have you tried different flavored toothpaste? To this day I can't stand the traditional "minty fresh" flavors. As a child I insisted on bubblegum flavoring for quite awhile. These days it is a little bit easier to find alternate flavors, particularly in kids paste I think. But still tough. You might try out a few different pastes and see if it makes any difference for him.

[juju1]

Thanks all. Yeah...we do all the games. They occasionally work. Today we went to the store and he picked out a new electric toothbrush and some new toothpaste. We got home and he did his own teeth in front of the mirror. It was great. It won't 'work' tomorrow but I've decided I am just not going to make him brush his teeth anymore. I will suggest it, I will brush mine in front of him, but if he is not into it, fine. I can't bear the battle anymore. He's got the 'tools', he knows how to do it, I'll remind him to do it, but it's his choice. Thanks again.

[SquidMommy]

Please don't think me rude for this, but I'd really put my foot down and make brushing a non-negotiable requirement. If you had your kiddo in the car and he refused a seatbelt, would you drive anyway? It's an extreme example, I know...but...

My parents had a lax attitude towards dental care, and I had miserable teeth my entire childhood: multiple fillings, stained teeth, extractions, a fear of needles from the numbing I would get for the fillings, nitrous now makes me incredibly nauseous regardless of setting or strength, and EVERY trip to the dentist was all-out warfare because I associated it with pain and terror.

It took me until I was 24 to get my wisdom teeth extracted - they erupted at age SIXTEEN, and I very nearly lost two molars in addition to the wisdom teeth, due to the massive cavities I had from trapped gunk. All because my parents never emphasized the importance of brushing after eating, and since the wisdom teeth were painful, I brushed gingerly, instead of knowing to recognize the pain as a "Go to the dentist NOW, stupid!" sign.

Eventually, eating and drinking got so painful from the wisdom tooth/molar combo that I had to go in and have the extraction done. I needed sedatives, nitrous, a vomit bucket, and enough lidocaine to stun a yak. I couldn't feel my jaw, lips, tongue, or cheeks for 2.5 weeks. I looked like my boyfriend beat me - black eyes, swollen face, constant spitting blood. I now have MUCH better oral health, make regular appointments, and regret that I had to learn the hard way that yes, the plaque fairies are real.

Short term, it's probably much easier to say "forget it, it's too scary and traumatizing for my child and I have more important battles to fight," but in the long run, you're going to see a six, seven, eight year old who may very well end up sick or in massive pain from dental work that could have been 100% avoided, or who acts out in ways you never imagined when confronted with a dentist/hygieneist visit he refuses to participate in. There's more trauma waiting for him in the future if he DOESN'T brush, than if you're firm with him now and set a standard. I'm not saying beat him with a box of Crest, but there are things to try, to change, to experiment with.

Sorry if I sound harsh - it's one of those things that I feel incredibly strongly about because of what I went through. I suffered, completely, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Just my two cents, and probably not worth that much.

[CalaRei]

When we were in girl scout camp, we'd sing through our tooth brushing. Which was goofy and hilarious, and seemed to get some of the more reluctant kids to do it, too?

[juju1]

I don't think you're rude SquidMommy. Sounds like you had a horrific time with your teeth, YIKES! I understand your analogy about putting on a seatbelt - but the thing is, if the kiddo doesn't put on a seatbelt then I don't drive. It's actually a pretty straightforward situation. I have tried the "if you don't brush your teeth we won't leave the house". And in practice this means we actually don't leave the house. DS has a ferocious will and incredible focus and patience. He will wait me out. For many hours. I guess that's why I posted in the GD section. How does 'non-negotiable' work when you practice GD? I don't want to use threats, scare tactics, bargaining, or rewards. Can anyone offer other alternatives?

When I noticed the holes I took him to the dentist and he wouldn't open his mouth. The dentist said "see you in a year" - apparently they don't force kids to open their mouths and it is better to work on positive tooth brushing experiences. Argh. I don't know...Anymore comments anyone?

[SquidMommy]

It's tricky - he may 'learn' from ending up at the dentist and having it not be happy-fun-times due to the procedures they have to perform...or he may just learn aversion. It's a situation where your kiddo can't really "learn consequences" until he's actually experiencing them, and by then, it's too late to make it less painful or traumatic.

Have you tried any relaxation techniques? Massage before/after brushing, maybe something with a pleasant smell, or trying to find a time in your kiddo's day when he's more open to suggestion? If he's overtired, overstimulated, or more focused on other things (Why brush, when I can go outside and play with my friends!"), it may have something to do with being resistant. Does he tend to seek out negative attention in general? He might be responding to "anything is better than nothing" as far as getting mom and dad to interact with him.

Beyond that, I'd say just absolutely completely wait him out. It's summer vacation; there can't be anything that pressing. You don't want to brush, you can't see your friends - it's part of our routines and we don't breathe stinky breath on people we like. You don't want to brush, you have to wait to have dessert UNTIL you brush - the sugar will ruin your teeth and mommy doesn't want you to have cavities. You're the adult, the gatekeeper, the safety-patrol...if your kid learns he can "wait you out" on something as tiny as tooth brushing, he's going to learn that the behavior works on almost ANYTHING he doesn't want to do. Try that with a teen. Ugh.

Are there any other kids his age that he can model with, or younger kids he can teach, say, maybe during a slumber party? Practice on toys or dolls? Maybe have kiddo ONLY meet with/talk to a dentist who will take time to get to know your child first, or specializes in kids and fearful patients? A low-light setting, or one with a TV over the exam chair so your kiddo can focus on Dora or Animal Planet or something? Have an age-appropriate health fair at school, or see if the school nurse has resources or videos to loan you? Worst case, you're going to be looking at a mouth so rotten it'll take sedatives and chemical numbing agents to get the problem solved, and you don't want that in your kid. Not to mention how much it will no doubt hurt you to see your baby in pain and unhappy.

Have you asked why there's such an issue? Not "Why won't you do this?" but maybe "You seem to be unhappy when mommy and daddy try to help you brush. Would you like to do A, B, or C on your own? Does the toothbrush hurt? Does the toothpaste sting?" I hated mint as a kid...and if his cavities are severe, brushing may be making his gums and teeth hurt.

(oh and SERIOUSLY - find a dentist who is willing to WORK with your kid. "oops too bad try again later" is NOT an acceptable response, unless the guy is expecting you to personally finance his Lexus.)

[Oliver'sMom]

I agree that teeth brushing shoud absolutely be non-negotiable.

Ds is the same age as your child and we've had some tough battles over tooth brushing, but we've just held firm. "No xyz until teeth are brushed"

What works for us:
*taking turns brushing teeth...he brushes first, then I brush.
*talking about what happens if we don't brush our teeth. (ie: what the *dentist will have to do to fix cavities etc.)
*letting him pick out his own toothbrush and toothpaste
*showing him our fillings in our teeth from when we were kids and talking about how we wished we would have brushed better/more often.
*taking ds with us to the dentist and having him watch us get our teeth cleaned and having the dentist talk to him
*ds also likes to breathe in our face after he brushes and we praise him a bunch by saying "oh you smell minty fresh!! and look at how your gorgeous teeth sparkle!!"
*we also talk a lot about germs and bacteria and how we need to "brush those little bugs off so they won't eat your teeth"

I don't know...for my ds it has been all about "why"...so we just talk about the consequences of not brushing a lot.

Don't back down on this though!! There are so many health issues that can arise from poor dental hygiene.

Perhaps if all else fails, you could brush his teeth while he's sleeping?

Good luck!

[poppan]

Sometimes I think it's hard to give other parents advice because kids are so different and they respond to different things. With my own children I feel like it's a combo of gut feel and trial and error. (And of course I haven't really solved the whole toothbrushing thing either--as evidenced by my first reply to this post.)

Anyway, as I reread this thread it occurred to me that you've been more on the two extreme ends about toothbrushing--either putting a lot of emphasis on it or not trying at all--than in the middle. And my own gut is saying (without knowing your child of course) that it's been made a big deal over and he knows it bugs you and it's a trigger for both of you. So if it were me, I think I would try one month of MODELING toothbrushing but not making him do it. Like every night after dinner you and DH go and brush your teeth in front of him and in the morning make sure he's there when you're brushing your teeth, etc. Showing him that grown ups do this, it's part of your routine? And you could put his toothbrush and toothpaste out and kind of make it clear, without any pressure, that he could join you too. And maybe keep talking about it casually, asking him casually do you want to brush your teeth with us? And if he says no, just let it go. I'd be tempted to try that for a few weeks to a month and see if you make any progress. I just feel like on re-reading this that de-emphasizing it without dropping the topic altogether is the only thing you haven't tried consistently...

[juju1]

Yes Poppan, thank you. This is exactly what I mean about needing to step away from the battle and do things differently. I have tried everything you suggested Oliver'sMom. Thanks anyway for the advice. And you too SquidMommy. I really do appreciate the thought you have given this.