Why can't I get it out of my head?

[tammylsmith]

I'm so proud of the hard work I did in convincing dh not to circ our son. Now we are three months in, and I constantly am still thinking of it... as in, imagining how conversations would go with various family members, fuming over medical misinformation, etc. Dh is circ'd, and I would think this would bother him more, knowing he was altered for no reason. He's still quite casual about it, and calls it the "non-issue" now. It was dropped entirely after ds's birth. I guess after how hard the fight was, I was expecting him to have more of a realization. He completley agrees that it is a pointless surgery, but seems unbothered by it. Why does it still bug me so much and not him? Why do others shrug their shoulders about circ in general? Even my midwife, even my doc, who is uncirc'd with uncirc'd sons. It seems like such a violation.

[brant31]

TLS, I followed your situation with great interest as it was happening. Thank you for sharing this follow-up note about how you're feeling post-event.

Your reaction is entirely normal, and actually a very healthy step in analyzing and compartmentalizing (in a healthy way) this bizarre American ritual. As the bumper sticker says, if you're not outraged you're not paying attention!

It sounds like for your husband the struggle over whether to circumcise was really a sense of impending validation of his own status. Once he saw that no one was making a big deal over how your son was "better" than him, he felt comfortable enough to drop the matter. Indeed, if he marveled over how much healthier it was after all not to cut your son, he'd only be re-opening those feelings. For the moment, he's in an unexpected, non-threatened space and probably reveling in it. Keep an eye open, though... your husband may yet surprise you and become an intactivist in his own time.

As for the rest of the world, one can only assume ignorance. It is drummed into us that the foreskin is useless skin and its removal is easy, painless and nonrecurring. None of this is quite true, of course. We males really do benefit from having a foreskin (so do wives and girlfriends) and the body doesn't give it up nearly so easily.

You will have many years to ponder the senselessness of circumcision and to team up with other moms and dads to help tackle America's strange obsession. And I know you will! For now, your overriding senses should be relief and joy that you followed your instincts and successfully protected your child. I know, it's hard not to look around and wonder whether you inhabit some parallel universe to those you love! Circumcision is surreal.

In time, use your skills to write write write -- for local papers, local parenting magazines, for alumni newsletters, everywhere. Then speak speak speak -- at baby fairs, health fairs, local nursing programs, wherever you can think of. Believe me, it feels really good and gets real results.

Best wishes!

[nmelanson]

I suppose people shrug their shoulders at it because of not wanting to be culturally insensitive. It's not just an American thing - it is practiced in many parts of the world, often tied to religious belief, or sometimes just cultural practice. In either case, most people derive their identity from their culture or religion and its practices. It's not so simple as teaching people the "facts". Lines of identity and cultural belonging often go far deeper than "facts".
One of the fathers in our prenatal class almost had a temper tantrum over our class discussion because he was so offended by the idea that circumcising boys might even be seen as a controversy - and he self identifies as a cultural Jew, not a practicing Jew.
Dh and I didn't even have the circ decision - it wasn't even an option for us. We are against the practice for many reasons. Having said that, we don't judge others who choose to have sons circ'd. I made my decision based on my ideals and it's not my place to deny others that right.

[tammylsmith]

Interestingly, it is not the act of circumcision itself that has me perplexed, though I personally am against it, and glad we opted out. I understand the point of cultural sensitivity. I know that circ'd baby boys can still become happy, loved babies and healthy men (like dh). I see what nmelanson is saying about not judging, because that won't help anybody.


I think the reason I am bothered so much is the level of misinformation out there about it. It bothers me that major media outlets, doctors and politicians and decision makers out there in our country... I think especially the doctors... don't have their facts straight, so they don't paint a true picture to parents who are looking to them for guidance. It is true that there is a cultural component that runs deep and fights against the facts tooth and nail... but we put our trust in doctors to be there to advise us... to be professional. I don't understand why there is such an uphill battle with the medical establishment in the U.S. Don't doctors ever talk to doctors in other countries?

I guess dh isn't bothered by it to protect himself, as trant said, which is definitely true. Thanks also, brant, for reassuring me. You are absolutely right that I just have so many emotions to digest now that the issue of circumcision isn't abstract... he's an adorable and chubby 3 month old!
I guess as we become familiar with raising an intact boy, dh will become an intactivist just because he will see the proof that foreskins are normal, and that will become the point he's coming from in future conversations about it. Hopefully we can do a good job of educating others by our example. I will probably also become more comfortable in my skin as a new advocate for intact baby boys. I think the strongest kind of intactivism is when intact is projected as the obvious norm. No explanations needed.

[PuppyFluffer]

I fully understand the place you are.

Brant, What a wonderfully concise post. You are very perceptive and articulate!

I think many people cannot disconnect themselves from the deep insecurity of dealing with all things sexual and all things concerning genitals in a factual manner. It makes people uncomfortable. I think, in a large percentage of American families, proper anatomical words for genitals are nearly never used. Giving body parts pet names is a clear sign of our discomfort in thinking of them factually and honestly. Large scale circumcision came about in America to reduce masturbation. That's a huge shadow to get away from.

I also think you cannot discount the fact that it's a medical procedure and doctors like doing procedures. There is a financial incentive and a financial market for infant foreskins in the biotech and cosmetic industry. We are in a for profit culture.

For most people to acknowledge what circumcison really is means that they have to come to terms with the fact that they have most likely been personally (detrimentally) effected by it in some way - either as a circumcised man or a partner to one. Hard to admit.

I also think the strong feminist movement and the angst towards patriarchy minimizes the pain of male circumcison. Have you ever read any writings by feminists totally decrying female circumcision yet having no problem with male circumcision?

People avoid that which makes them uncomfortable.

[nmelanson]

After I wrote my post last night I was thinking a lot about cultural sensitivity circumcision.

While I stand by my discomfort in judging others who choose circumcision for their sons, I felt uncomfortable when I realized that YES! I would stand up against female circumcision. Why do I draw this line? It is a very complex issue wrapped in culture, ethics and power.
I agree with Puppyfluffer when she said that "the strong feminist movement... minimizes the pain of male circumcision"; it can also minimizes any discussion that challenges the practice and culture behind it.
Feminism isn't just about making things better for women, but about shifting the (im)balance of power so that that among many things, women can participate in decision making (that ultimately would improve their lives and of all those around them, right). So then, male circumcision could be part of a feminist agenda as well; by empowering women with knowledge and the capacity to make decisions regarding the health and safety for both female and male children, perhaps this culture would change.

I do think it is changing already. The more of us that openly choose not to circ our sons and engage in discussions about it, the easier it will be for others to do so as well. And while I still won't judge others for making the choice to circ their sons, I DO think it's important to make a decision from an informed point of view. Making info available that questions and invites debate is in no way culturally insensitive - it is only arming people with knowledge so that they can make informed decisions.

[jessjgh1]

Why do others shrug their shoulders about circ in general? Even my midwife, even my doc, who is uncirc'd with uncirc'd sons. It seems like such a violation.

I totally agree, I sometimes just don't get how it isn't a BIG deal and how some people don't really seem to care. Those are the right words... it does feel like such a violation and something that shouldn't be so HARD to END, like NOW.
I also, otoh, tend to be careful to not hurt mothers that truly thought they were doing the right thing.
Sometimes my thoughts explode out but most often I am calm, rational, and as tolerant as I can be- because I think that is the better way for me to educate others, but at the same time I just want to scream out- 'STOP this is crazy, can't you SEE'.
I'm just glad that I can come here (and many other places) and know people that reassure me that I'M not alone or that I'm not just being silly or over-sensitive.

Jessica

[PuppyFluffer]

nmelanson, thank you for understanding what I was saying with regards to circ and feminism.
I almost never touch this topic in writing because it's just too hard to measure the reception of my intent.

[tammylsmith]

It is such a complicated issue, tied to identity and culture in ways that are difficult to untangle. I was so startled by the difference before and after ds was born. Before, it seemed huge. Like an epic battle or dark cloud looming before me, I felt like everyone was against me. Then I stepped through the door to become a mom of an intact boy, and the tempest in the teapot was revealed. THIS was all the fuss? Why does our culture put up such a big defensive fight... being intact is such an easy no brainer. Even dh noticed that (now maybe I'm just lucky here, and not all husbands are willing to see this) So much fuss over how wierd/ not normal it is... when it is just that. Completely, undeniably normal. Now I see why Europeans look at this issue and scratch their heads, wondering why we have to spend so much energy on it

[PuppyFluffer]

tammy,I hear the foreign thought on it when I go to Washington DC for the Genital Integrity Awareness Week demonstration. So many foreigners go to DC to visit and many will stop to ask what this is all about. They don't understand whey we're there until we explain that this is done to a little over 50% of infant males in the USA. They are shocked. Many think we are just being outrageous because we have freedom of speech and freedom of assmebly so we're just stretching the limits and holding signs about something totally nuts just because we CAN. When they learn that it's actually a true fact, they are stunned. While there might be a lot of disagreement about foreign policies between nations, on an individual person to person level, I think people generally find common ground and recognize the similarities. Europeans are truly stunned to learn the truth about circumcision in America. It's good to see that perspective and talk to someone to whom an intact body is completely the norm.

[whozeyermamma]

SO interesting to see this thread now!

I lurked in this forum while I was pregnant and researching info to convince DH not to circ our son. (Fortunately, he came on board 100 percent.) Today I was coming here to post almost the exact same thing as the OP!

It's not that I want DH to continue to be as outraged as I am, but like the OP I just feel like - how in the world does this continue to happen? How did this become commonplace? How can anyone do that to their son?? All of the so-called "medical" reasons are total BS and yet so many smart people still did it to their boys. WHY??

When I was examining every little inch of his body I was just weeping with how beautiful he was - his fingers, his toes, his eyes - and yes, his perfect, intact penis. I just had this violent, mama bear reaction - like the idea of circ-ing him was akin to cutting off his finger or something.

Anyway; just wanted to let you know, Tammy - that you're not alone in your outrage. Now, like the PP suggested, we should take our energy to the streets to convince others that an intact penis is the normal one.

Thanks for this!

[Galatea]

For some of us, the issue never goes away. It never has for me. Even just a casual mention of the topic in general is enough to ruin my day, b/c my brain is off and running, thinking about how awful it is that some babies are subjected to this, and so many people don't care. I don't have any advice other than to actively distract yourself with something else.