It sounds like you told him to be quiet while you were on the phone and to go to/stay in bed, he did neither of those things, and there was no particular consequence. I understand the need to compose yourself instead of getting into a fight with him, but ultimately I personally think that if I am going to say "I expect X" then I am going to follow through on it and expect that behavior. If I don't really totally expect it, I don't say it.
So for the room thing, I'd take him by the hand and bring him back there, and/or block him with your body and walk him back to his room. I suppose picking him up is an option if he doesn't fight you about it. But if he does then don't do that. Both for the phone thing and for the going to bed at night. I think you CAN keep him in his room if you really want to and expect to. And if you don't, then I don't think you should tell him to do it.
Have you ever heard of Virtues parenting? It is about talking about virtues with kids and calling them to the virtues - like using their respect or gentleness or courage (or whatever the situation calls for). I really like it and think it might give you the words/tools to use when dealing with defiance like you've described.
Tjej
ETA: I'm not trying to be mean about how you handled him today. I get it and have done the same thing when I have been absolutely and utterly spent. Hopefully you are not this exhausted every day - if you are, maybe YOU need the earlier bedtime
. If you are consistently not too exhausted to discipline him, then once in a while won't undo all the work you have done, but if you usually don't have the energy or emotional reserves to do it then you need to find a way to nurture yourself so you have more to give/use.
So for the room thing, I'd take him by the hand and bring him back there, and/or block him with your body and walk him back to his room. I suppose picking him up is an option if he doesn't fight you about it. But if he does then don't do that. Both for the phone thing and for the going to bed at night. I think you CAN keep him in his room if you really want to and expect to. And if you don't, then I don't think you should tell him to do it.
Have you ever heard of Virtues parenting? It is about talking about virtues with kids and calling them to the virtues - like using their respect or gentleness or courage (or whatever the situation calls for). I really like it and think it might give you the words/tools to use when dealing with defiance like you've described.
Tjej
ETA: I'm not trying to be mean about how you handled him today. I get it and have done the same thing when I have been absolutely and utterly spent. Hopefully you are not this exhausted every day - if you are, maybe YOU need the earlier bedtime
. If you are consistently not too exhausted to discipline him, then once in a while won't undo all the work you have done, but if you usually don't have the energy or emotional reserves to do it then you need to find a way to nurture yourself so you have more to give/use.
And I didn’t think you were trying to be mean at all, by the way. You described exactly what happened, & I know that I didn’t handle things well b/c there was no consequence for his actions, but that is the problem—I don’t know how to “enforce” the request/consequence. So therfore, there is essentially no consequence to his actions. 
Not only did he not quiet down when I asked him to when I was on the phone, but he got even more defiant, made faces at me, etc., which just really upsets me when he is so disrespectful like that. And then he wouldn’t go to his room when I asked him to, but... I don’t know how to “make” him go unless I physically carry him up there, & he’s just too heavy for me to pick up & carry up the stairs. And I’m sure there would be kicking & more screaming en route to his room (DH has carried him to his room in such circumstances, & that’s usually what happens). So… what do I do? And how do I keep him in his room at bedtime, short of putting a lock on his door on the outside, which just seems cruel (& probably unsafe). I’m failing miserably here, I know. 
), but his wakeup time is still around 7; sometimes he’ll sleep in ‘til around 7:30. I don’t know if it’s b/c he’s out of school now—maybe he’s just not as tired? But he still has morning activities 2 days a week, & preschool was only 3 days a week, so I don’t know. Is it possible he needs an even earlier bedtime?! We’ve tried bedtime massages, bedtime yoga/stretches, but these don’t seem to help him fall asleep any earlier. He doesn’t get any caffeine before bed, or ever really, unless he has a square of chocolate every so often. He’s allowed to watch TV in the morning at breakfast, again around lunchtime (1 or 2 shows) & then around 5:00 he likes to watch Curious George. This TV “schedule,” of course, only really happens on days we’re home all day, which is rare. We don’t have the TV on after 6:00 p.m. We actually cut back on his TV this past week, wondering if that might help. I had him outside b/f dinner instead & no TV at breakfast, so he watched only an hour or so around lunchtime. No difference I could see, except when he was outside too late in the day, it seemed to wind him up even more for bedtime those nights. He doesn’t play video games, & he doesn’t really get any computer time—that happens once in a great while.
- that is probably my favorite book about relationships/parenting/conflict resolution. It is a bit repetitive, but I found it to be really insightful for me. It helped me realize a lot of what I bring to parenting in expectations/fears and how it affects how I treat my kids. It also helped me think about ways to work WITH my children and their temperments and not to fight who they are - how to see past the issues and try to work with the kids toward a solution.
Playing involves me having to say word for word what he wants me to say. 
I'm not sure if he understands what "rude" is--he seems to equate it w/ just "things he doesn't like." 
And he's noticed (well, we've tried to point out to him) that we do more things together when he's behaving better--outings don't get cut short, we're able to go to a special place for lunch, we have time to read him a longer book at bedtime because he didn't throw a fit before, etc. We have many more miles to go, so to speak, before we're back on track here, but I feel like we've made some improvements in the past week or two. Thanks again, moms, for all of your help & advice! I will check back in again when I can.... 
I hope you might be able to take away some of the helpful info other moms have posted here in this thread! I wish I had some advice for you about the food issues. Maybe try posting in the nutrition forums? I can tell you that one thing that worked for my DS when he was a little younger was to make up a "snack tray" in the afternoon, which was literally a divided tray with about 6 sections, which I would fill w/ a variety of healthy snacks that he could nibble on between lunch & dinner. Things like grapes, apple slices, strawberries, carrot sticks, hummus for dipping, cheese cubes, nuts, a mini muffin, etc. I would make it very fruit-&-veggie-heavy (depending on what was in season) , so this way I'd know he was getting his F&V servings in for the day. If I timed it right, he'd still be hungry enough for dinner, but if he wasn't too hungry for dinner & had only a few bites, it was fine b/c I knew he ate a well-balanced snack of sorts earlier. He stopped asking for his snack tray when he started preschool last fall b/c he was having a snack there & then eating lunch later, so he really needed only a small snack between lunch & dinner. Anyway, I don't know if the snack tray idea will work for your DS, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case it might help! Good luck to you!
