Help! Visitation Plans Changed!!

[illinoisgranny]

Hi, I just want some insight and help on this situation. Our caseworker called today. She wants to have a family meeting to discuss change in visitation. I'm grandma and foster care provider for my grandson. They want to change visits from McDonald's to my house, with me supervising my daughter and my grandson who lives with me, and my other grandson who lives with another foster parent.

I don't feel comfortable with this situation. I used to supervise all the visits and transported as well. In my county it's not required that foster parents transport or do supervised visits. My daughter got so hateful at visits and complained about me stealing her child. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore.

Any suggestions?

[Sierra]

If you are not comfortable, I would probably frame it in terms of what the child is hearing during the visits when you are present. For example, "When I am present at visits, [mother] makes comments that [child] should not hear. She frequently says, for example, that I have 'stolen' [child]. I don't think it would be healthy for [child] to hear this on a repeated basis, especially as he gets older. It would be in his best interests for a third party to supervise." I would let her know in advance of the meeting your concerns, perhaps in writing.

On the other hand, if you supervise, you have more control over what gets documented and how.

[illinoisgranny]

Thanks for the advice. My daughter has said some pretty nasty things in front of my grandson that are not appropriate. I have until Friday to carefully think out my decision and I'm going to have a notebook next to me to help me remember what concerns I want to voice. I've been documenting the visits for 19 of the 20 months of visits. One thing I can say for certain is that relative caregiving is not for the faint of heart! It's an emotional roller coaster and much more difficult a role than traditional foster parenting.

[MissinNYC]

It's an emotional roller coaster and much more difficult a role than traditional foster parenting.

I'd be careful with this type of statement. None of us knows how this journey is for anyone else. It sounds like your situation is really hard- you're trying to protect your DGS, loving him and your daughter through all this and still getting abuse from her for taking care of her child so well. However this is no reason to start a comparison. Some kinship foster parents have an easier time of it, and some traditional foster parents suffer a lot. Let's work to help each other, not compete.

I agree with the previous poster- document how the visits effect your grandson, specifically, and phrase any requests in language which stresses the reasons in terms of HIS needs. Good luck!

[illinoisgranny]

Sorry, I didn't intend to make it seem that traditional foster parents have it easy. I can only say what my personal experience is. I'm in an emotional stage of this process and wasn't meaning to denigrate traditional foster parents. My infant grandson is in an excellent foster home and they are wonderful with him. In many ways I think a traditional home might be a less stressful situation for the child for the very reason that the foster parents don't have any ties to the bp's.