i feel SO CONFLICTED 
i need some advice, some perspective, some validation, something!
the situation: i am, for all intents and purposes, a sahm even though i do work a little. i work at home 2-10 hrs a week (as a freelancer), and outside home about 10 hrs a week (as a teacher). dp or my mom watches dd when i teach. otherwise dd and i are always together; she's just one, but still gets major sep anx. and admittedly, i do too
before i had dd i used to bartend/wait tables. an old boss is opening up a new restaurant and really wants me to come work for him. i can work 2-3 shifts a week, and it is guaranteed to be really good money. and that's the only reason i'm even entertaining the idea. being a sahm is really important to me; i want to be the one taking care of dd. but we weren't prepared for her, and money is a source of major stress, especially with dp in grad school. he's on break now, but at the end of august he'll have to cut back at work (in a restaurant, too) so that he can go to classes 2 nights a week and have time for all his school work. even though he's been working a lot all summer (and i make a helpful amount doing what little i do) we haven't been able to save at all b/c he still has a lot of debt looming. i feel like it would be irresponsible of me to turn down an opportunity to make money that could help us through the fall and winter. but it would feel irresponsible of me as a mom to work another 20-30 hours outside of home (i'm not saying that wohm are irresponsible, just that i feel like i'm not doing my job when i'm not with dd, if that makes sense).
dp does not want me to go work in a restaurant. his reasons are:
1. if you add even 2 shifts to the work i'm already doing, i'll be working about 40 hours a week. and hours committed to a restaurant means that i won't be able to take on any more freelance or teaching work, which dp argues is what i should be "saving my time away from dd for," since it's the work i've dedicated a lot of time and energy, too.
2. since he works 3 nights and goes to school 2, that leaves him 2 nights to be home. if i'm working those nights he's home, we'll a) never see each other, and b) he'll never have any free time since he'll always be at work, at school, or with dd. but if i didn't work the 2 nights he's home, we'd have to get a sitter (my mom can't watch dd at night).
3. we co-sleep and dd still nurses around the clock. and since dp is gone 5-6 nights a week as it is, dd and i are firmly entrenched in a nurse to sleep routine. for my sanity we've been trying to have him put her to sleep (and tend to her when she wakes) when he is around, but it will likely be highly disruptive for me to suddenly just be gone 2-3 nights a week, especially if she's left with a sitter.
he makes excellent points, and part of me just loves him for trying to convince me we will be ok (financially) b/c he knows how much i want to be home with dd. perhaps you think it's silly that i'm even considering this... i don't know why i feel so conflicted. i guess i just keep thinking about the winter months and oil bills and rent and all the arguments over money and how we're not saving anything and that insisting i stay home with dd is selfish in some way. like it'll be all my fault if we can't pay the rent (though conversely i'm worried if i do go work that i'll hold it against dp since part of me wishes he'd just work more, but that's a whole other lot of something else).
thoughts? recommendations? am i being ridiculous? what would you do if you were me? dp is saying no. my mom and brother are saying yes. my best friend is saying yes, another is saying no. i keep trying to figure out what i really want to do, what i think is best for dd, best for our family, and i just don't know. am i underestimating her ability to adapt? my ability to adapt? lots of moms work... but i feel like i'll lose her somehow if i'm not with her. that's not healthy, is it?
i need some advice, some perspective, some validation, something!
the situation: i am, for all intents and purposes, a sahm even though i do work a little. i work at home 2-10 hrs a week (as a freelancer), and outside home about 10 hrs a week (as a teacher). dp or my mom watches dd when i teach. otherwise dd and i are always together; she's just one, but still gets major sep anx. and admittedly, i do too
before i had dd i used to bartend/wait tables. an old boss is opening up a new restaurant and really wants me to come work for him. i can work 2-3 shifts a week, and it is guaranteed to be really good money. and that's the only reason i'm even entertaining the idea. being a sahm is really important to me; i want to be the one taking care of dd. but we weren't prepared for her, and money is a source of major stress, especially with dp in grad school. he's on break now, but at the end of august he'll have to cut back at work (in a restaurant, too) so that he can go to classes 2 nights a week and have time for all his school work. even though he's been working a lot all summer (and i make a helpful amount doing what little i do) we haven't been able to save at all b/c he still has a lot of debt looming. i feel like it would be irresponsible of me to turn down an opportunity to make money that could help us through the fall and winter. but it would feel irresponsible of me as a mom to work another 20-30 hours outside of home (i'm not saying that wohm are irresponsible, just that i feel like i'm not doing my job when i'm not with dd, if that makes sense).dp does not want me to go work in a restaurant. his reasons are:
1. if you add even 2 shifts to the work i'm already doing, i'll be working about 40 hours a week. and hours committed to a restaurant means that i won't be able to take on any more freelance or teaching work, which dp argues is what i should be "saving my time away from dd for," since it's the work i've dedicated a lot of time and energy, too.
2. since he works 3 nights and goes to school 2, that leaves him 2 nights to be home. if i'm working those nights he's home, we'll a) never see each other, and b) he'll never have any free time since he'll always be at work, at school, or with dd. but if i didn't work the 2 nights he's home, we'd have to get a sitter (my mom can't watch dd at night).
3. we co-sleep and dd still nurses around the clock. and since dp is gone 5-6 nights a week as it is, dd and i are firmly entrenched in a nurse to sleep routine. for my sanity we've been trying to have him put her to sleep (and tend to her when she wakes) when he is around, but it will likely be highly disruptive for me to suddenly just be gone 2-3 nights a week, especially if she's left with a sitter.
he makes excellent points, and part of me just loves him for trying to convince me we will be ok (financially) b/c he knows how much i want to be home with dd. perhaps you think it's silly that i'm even considering this... i don't know why i feel so conflicted. i guess i just keep thinking about the winter months and oil bills and rent and all the arguments over money and how we're not saving anything and that insisting i stay home with dd is selfish in some way. like it'll be all my fault if we can't pay the rent (though conversely i'm worried if i do go work that i'll hold it against dp since part of me wishes he'd just work more, but that's a whole other lot of something else).
thoughts? recommendations? am i being ridiculous? what would you do if you were me? dp is saying no. my mom and brother are saying yes. my best friend is saying yes, another is saying no. i keep trying to figure out what i really want to do, what i think is best for dd, best for our family, and i just don't know. am i underestimating her ability to adapt? my ability to adapt? lots of moms work... but i feel like i'll lose her somehow if i'm not with her. that's not healthy, is it?
It is really hard to rely on family for baby sitting for free, too.
