Everyone in my life is becoming toxic.

[kblackstone444]

I was married for 5 years, with my husband for 9 years, when he literally woke up last November and told me he no longer loved me and wanted me to leave. I honestly believe he was having a midlife crisis. From December until the end of March, he acted like he hated me- kept me from my stepdaughter, made me look bad to his friends, stood by and said nothing while his best friend turned each and every one of our mutual friends against me, and then turned most his family against me as well. My husband has since April come out of his issues, and we are becoming good friends again, but the damage is done- I live in a small town, 3 hours away from where my family is, and the only people who still talk to me is my husband, my father-in-law and my stepdaughter. I lost everyone else.

Then there was my boyfriend. My husband and I started dating other people. We were still getting a divorce, but the divorce has been delayed, because of lack of money. I started dating a guy in April and left him in May, because he was extremely controlling, to me and my son, becoming verbally abusive towards me, and also, twice left fingerprint bruises on me. (Not in anger, but as a way of showing his control over me, which actually scared me more.) So I left him. Unfortunately, I'm pregnant with his child, so I cannot be completely free of him. He's already threatening to take the baby once it's born, and I know what he's capable of doing to an adult (please, not a child!) when he's angry or wants to prove he's in control.

Then, there's my sister. She's 8 months pregnant with twins. Years ago, I "called dibs" on my favorite girl name ever- "Mary". It's our grandmother's name. I wanted to name my future daughter in honor of my grandmother. Over the years, I made her promise to save that name for my future daughter, and each time, she promised. Now, I find out she's using it for one of the twins' names. And she's furious that I'm upset that she's doing so, even though the child I'm pregnant with is supposedly a girl.

I emailed several family members this morning about the scary situation between me and my ex boyfriend, asking them not to be in contact with him, asking the ones who are friends with him on Facebook to cut that friendship off. My sister was one of those emails. Her husband was not. I got an email from him, tonight, a full out attack, about how I have no right to meddle in his wife's life, how I have no right to keep this man from his child, how he doesn't give a crap what the situation is, he will not support me in asking people to keep from contact with this man. (He's never met my ex boyfriend and neither has my sister, though my sister is still Facebook friends with him.) Then, he actually WARNED me (yes, he used those words) about what I can and cannot bother his wife with, which includes any of my "petty little issues".

The rest of my family does not want to get involved, so they are turning a blind eye to all of this.

Everyone in my life is becoming toxic and the two people I can trust, my ex husband and my father-in-law, I'm not sure how much I can trust. And worse, when my ex husband is being the good friend that he has been being, I see the man I fell in love with years ago, not the man who destroyed my life months ago, and makes me go places I'm smart enough not to seriously go, but dumb enough to wish I wasn't smart enough not to seriously go. It makes me miss him more, makes me miss the love, the trust, and the feeling of safety I used to have with him. I know it would never happen, but it scares me that one of the only people I have left in my life is one that I have to be very careful not let myself get hurt. Everyone else is becoming too toxic not. How much more can I lose? Haven't I lost enough? I'm so tired of all this drama, I just want to give up, give in (emotionally, mentally, not in a physically hurt myself kind of way). How much more can I be expected to take? I feel truly alone. I know I have to find the strength to go on, because of my son and because of my baby, but I'm not sure I know where to find the strength anymore. I'm so worn down. How can I keep it going?

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444

I was married for 5 years, with my husband for 9 years, when he literally woke up last November and told me he no longer loved me and wanted me to leave. I honestly believe he was having a midlife crisis. From December until the end of March, he acted like he hated me- kept me from my stepdaughter, made me look bad to his friends, stood by and said nothing while his best friend turned each and every one of our mutual friends against me, and then turned most his family against me as well. My husband has since April come out of his issues, and we are becoming good friends again, but the damage is done- I live in a small town, 3 hours away from where my family is, and the only people who still talk to me is my husband, my father-in-law and my stepdaughter. I lost everyone else.

Then there was my boyfriend. My husband and I started dating other people. We were still getting a divorce, but the divorce has been delayed, because of lack of money. I started dating a guy in April and left him in May, because he was extremely controlling, to me and my son, becoming verbally abusive towards me, and also, twice left fingerprint bruises on me. (Not in anger, but as a way of showing his control over me, which actually scared me more.) So I left him. Unfortunately, I'm pregnant with his child, so I cannot be completely free of him. He's already threatening to take the baby once it's born, and I know what he's capable of doing to an adult (please, not a child!) when he's angry or wants to prove he's in control.

Then, there's my sister. She's 8 months pregnant with twins. Years ago, I "called dibs" on my favorite girl name ever- "Mary". It's our grandmother's name. I wanted to name my future daughter in honor of my grandmother. Over the years, I made her promise to save that name for my future daughter, and each time, she promised. Now, I find out she's using it for one of the twins' names. And she's furious that I'm upset that she's doing so, even though the child I'm pregnant with is supposedly a girl.

I emailed several family members this morning about the scary situation between me and my ex boyfriend, asking them not to be in contact with him, asking the ones who are friends with him on Facebook to cut that friendship off. My sister was one of those emails. Her husband was not. I got an email from him, tonight, a full out attack, about how I have no right to meddle in his wife's life, how I have no right to keep this man from his child, how he doesn't give a crap what the situation is, he will not support me in asking people to keep from contact with this man. (He's never met my ex boyfriend and neither has my sister, though my sister is still Facebook friends with him.) Then, he actually WARNED me (yes, he used those words) about what I can and cannot bother his wife with, which includes any of my "petty little issues".

The rest of my family does not want to get involved, so they are turning a blind eye to all of this.

Everyone in my life is becoming toxic and the two people I can trust, my ex husband and my father-in-law, I'm not sure how much I can trust. And worse, when my ex husband is being the good friend that he has been being, I see the man I fell in love with years ago, not the man who destroyed my life months ago, and makes me go places I'm smart enough not to seriously go, but dumb enough to wish I wasn't smart enough not to seriously go. It makes me miss him more, makes me miss the love, the trust, and the feeling of safety I used to have with him. I know it would never happen, but it scares me that one of the only people I have left in my life is one that I have to be very careful not let myself get hurt. Everyone else is becoming too toxic not. How much more can I lose? Haven't I lost enough? I'm so tired of all this drama, I just want to give up, give in (emotionally, mentally, not in a physically hurt myself kind of way). How much more can I be expected to take? I feel truly alone. I know I have to find the strength to go on, because of my son and because of my baby, but I'm not sure I know where to find the strength anymore. I'm so worn down. How can I keep it going?

Counseling.

Seriously. Be wise. Seek counsel. Be gentle with yourself.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Move, go to your family. Three hours is not much, doubt you would have trouble with a judge. Your husband ruined this place for you and hasn't tried to fix it. I would go before this child is born, don't put dad on birth certificate. Protect yourself and your baby.

[Kirsten]

I think you are really smart to get away from the ex-boyfriend. He is nothing but heartache and trouble. The baby really complicates things.

Your sister isn't toxic. You and she have a difference of opinion over a baby name. No one can "call dibs" on a baby name. I wouldn't let this come between you and your sister; do you really want to burn that bridge over a name?

Your brother-in-law came on a little strong, but is likely trying to put down some boundaries around his pregnant wife (I know you are pregnant too). And I think it is wrong to tell other people who they can and cannot be friends with - in real life or on facebook. Your sister should want to defriend him if she understands the situation, but telling someone they have to do something often makes them do just the opposite. Your BIL may not understand all that has happened, or may have experienced things that make him hypersensitive to dads not having contact with their kids. If you set your facebook to "friends only" then it doesn't matter who is on their facebooks.

I think you should absolutely have people around you who make you feel loved and supported. Step away from people who don't, but I wouldn't burn bridges while you are emotional. I hope things settle down for you very soon, and that you find a peaceful place.

[number572]

Find a book on setting personal boundaries...

Don't go back to your xh even if it seems "safe", you've seen another side to him already, one that had no problem hurting you & turning off without explanation... there are some great videos online (youtube, etc) on verbal and emotional abuse. People see the word "abuse" and think, "Well, MY situation sux but its not quite "abuse", thats an awful word!" When, in reality, it is abusive... Maybe just watch a few & see if anything jumps out at you? And if it does, its not ammunition to go get the people who are abusing you, but it is best kept as a tool for you to use to gain the strength to walk away... no explanation needed... just walk away with your new outlook & self respect. Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound pushy.

Try to force yourself to go inward instead of trying to figure out whats happening with the people around you, try to figure out what YOU really want in the next year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc. If you feel overwhelmed, take small steps but keep going toward something better.

You can use the name Mary if you want. It is hurtful that she is using it if she'd already agreed to let you have it as your dd's name, but people are weird and Mary is a common name... can you use it as a middle? Or as a prefix of a name, like Mary-Josephine/Maryana/Mary Ella or whatever?

I've been reading a lot of stuff about emotional abuse patters lately and how we can even begin to abuse ourselves after a while b'c it seems normal. Its not a good thing and something about how you speak brings that to mind... it sounds like you feel that you are stuck, which is basically forcing yourself to remain in a situation that you know is not best for you.

Other pp's listed some financial resources for you in the other thread and gave some good ideas on how to handle YOUR baby's bio-dad.

I hope that you can grant yourself the love it will take to get out of the habit of thinking that you're not worth the effort it will take to move on from people who have no problem hurting you... including yourself. Old thought and behavior patterns are so challenging to change but you really are worth the effort. I wish you strength and peace and a bright and loving future.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I think you are really smart to get away from the ex-boyfriend. He is nothing but heartache and trouble. The baby really complicates things.

Your sister isn't toxic. You and she have a difference of opinion over a baby name. No one can "call dibs" on a baby name. I wouldn't let this come between you and your sister; do you really want to burn that bridge over a name?

And, I say this with all possible gentleness, but I think you need to figure out why you were attracted to such a toxic person (the boyfriend) in the first place.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Your sister isn't toxic. You and she have a difference of opinion over a baby name. No one can "call dibs" on a baby name. I wouldn't let this come between you and your sister; do you really want to burn that bridge over a name?

I'm not trying to burn that bridge. It's about respect. I asked her not to. I "gave" her every single other name we both liked (which, we had almost identical baby names lists). She promised she would not use it. She knew how upset I would be, and she made the decision regarding the name the day she found out I was pregnant. She's said herself that she is very angry that I'm pregnant while she is pregnant.

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Your brother-in-law came on a little strong, but is likely trying to put down some boundaries around his pregnant wife (I know you are pregnant too). And I think it is wrong to tell other people who they can and cannot be friends with - in real life or on facebook. Your sister should want to defriend him if she understands the situation, but telling someone they have to do something often makes them do just the opposite.

I asked- I sent her a brief on the situation and asked her, and I quote, "please defriend ****", because I don't know what he would do. Everyone else had no problem with the situation, but my sister had to sic her husband on me . He never met my exboyfriend, he's not friends in any way with my exboyfriend, he was in no way involved before she talked to him. And my sister is now making a point of not defriending him now. (She was diagnosed with ODD ten years ago.)

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by A&A

And, I say this with all possible gentleness, but I think you need to figure out why you were attracted to such a toxic person (the boyfriend) in the first place.

I had no money for food and here comes a guy who's nice to me and my son who starts buying me groceries. I was not attracted to him in any way besides friends, but I went with it (and told him that I may not fall in love with him because I'm not over my exhusband). Stupid way of doing things, but when you're trying to feed your kid and there's no visible sign of danger yet, it seems like your best option. Then, when my son and I were used to eating three meals a day, things started to go downhill.

[LROM]

Having just read your responses to other people's posts, I'm going to say this to you, also with the best intentions but I'm gonna be direct: you are not taking any responsibility for your part in some of these dynamics, and until you do you're never going to get out of this "toxic world" that you are living in.

Yes people have done you wrong, acted crazy, been awful. But previous posters have given you some excellent advice - chief among them: 1) move and get to your family and don't put your ex BF on the birth cert for your new baby, AND 2) seek counseling.

We are never just random bystanders to the people in our lives and how they treat us. If you've been with two guys now who've turned out to have Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde personas, it doesn't mean you in any way "deserve" to be treated badly, but it DOES mean you have a propensity to choose guys who are really unhealthy for you and THAT needs unpacking and addressing. Those things are usually very hard to unpack all by ourselves, which is why counseling is a really really good idea.

Also, your feelings of isolation and loniliness and like you have no one you can depend on, that is a crappy way to feel (and understandable under the circumstances). Plus you've got a son and a baby on the way - you want to pull yourself together to be as strong and healthy as you possibly can for your own little family which, from the sounds of your responses and the original details, you need some help with.

There's nothing wrong with needing help. We all do at one time or another, and sometimes we need a LOT of helpf or a LONG time. But if you don't reach out to get some help, you are probably in for more of the same, and you won't be doing all you can do to stabilize yourself so you can handle your son and the rest ofyour pregnancy/new baby.

I sincerely wish you luck, but I worry for you that without acknowledging that you have some control over these situations and an ability to create more safety and peace for yourself, you're not going to find that safety and peace anytime soon. And you really need it! Find a counselor and start to process all these difficult times. I hope you'll feel better soon!

[jane-t-mommy]

Just a thought about your baby's name. Even if your sister names one of her babies Mary, you could still use that name if you also have a girl. My step-grandfather and his cousin both shared the same name. For instance: Mary Elizabeth and Mary Josephine. There is just no reason why you can't still honor your grandmother (doubly so!).

I also agree with previous postings about moving back to your family and not naming father on birth certificate is a very good idea.

Take heart, you have more control than you may have realized. Counseling can help you identify this and start to take positive actions.

[SuzyLee]

My mom and my aunt named there boys (born 2 months apart) James Phillip and James Phillip.

Yup thats right, same middle name.

You know what? It.is.fine. They go by James and Jim. They LOVED having the same name. There was no drama bc guess what? It.\doesn't.matter.

Let go of your anger with your sis. I get why you are pissed, I really do. But you need the support of your fam right now, and your arguement with her is SOOOOOOO not worth having! Including the Facebook thing!