Tattle taling 9 y/o!

[robin4kids]

I am not sure if this is a gentle discipline issue, but I need advice.

I babysit in my house and for the past 4 years I have watched children from one family. They are a nice family, but the parents are a little strange. The mom treats their 9 y/o like an adult in that she shares information with him, that i think a little kid does not need to be burdened with. This child is a nice kid and plays well with my son, but he is a HUGE tattle tale. He also is a sneaky tattle tale. It is like he is always looking for people doing things wrong, or doing things he does not like and then he quietly remembers this information and waits till he is home to tell his parents. I know he does this at school as well. Once when i was watching his baby brother, I was out of plain Cheerioes and so i gave his brother honey nut. I looked and it was a "knock off" brand and there was NO honey in it. Well this boy read the box and after school, at 7pm when his mom returned from work, he told her. By the the next morning she was calling me.

My husband and i are thinking about moving. Yesterday I babysat for this family. My dh was home and he was working on the house. This child overheard one of our brief conversations and as soon as his dad came and was putting his kids in the car, this child quietly told his dad. The dad turned to me and asked it we were moving. This morning there was an email from mom asking the same thing!

I can't help being very angry at this child. I have him again on Thurs. and it is going to be hard to not say anything to him.

Do you have any advice I could give his mom about the fact that it is not good to always be looking for things to inform his parents about. I know this is probably something that his parents trained him to do, but it s not a good trait to have.

[sunnmama]

Hmmm...I think this is more of an issue with the parents than with the child. Kids listen and talk. It's what they do. Wise parents take things kids say with a grain of salt, because they often get things wrong, or don't have the full story.

Having a 9 yo myself, I'm not surprised about the Cheerios issue. My 9 yo is a bit of a worry wart, and would definitely want some clarification on the honey issue if she knew that "babies shouldn't have honey".

To be honest, I'm not surprised about the moving issue, either. Again, if my 9 yo overhears stuff like that, she frequently repeats it to me wanting to know "is so-and-so moving?" In the past year, this has come up a few times. Always, the answer was "no", but she heard something about someone moving, and got confused/concerned.

I think the greater issue is, do the parents trust you? I'd probably bring trust up with the adult, maybe saying "Don't worry, you can trust that we'll tell you early on if we have any concrete plans to move" or "Surely you know you can trust that I read the labels before feeding the baby" If the trust is strong, they won't react so quickly to the son's talk. They may still approach for clarification, but maybe not so urgently or worriedly.

Advice for the mom--maybe the teachers' standard: if you don't believe every word your child says about me, I'll promise not to believe every word your child says about you

[Arduinna]

My simple solution is don't talk about things that you don't want people to know about in front of others. I really don't see a kid telling their parent that we are moving as tattle telling. I'm not sure why you are upset over the whole cereal thing either.

[Tjej]

I can see how both of those situations would make you uncomfortable, but I don't actually see it as tattle-tale behavior and I don't see the child as doing something devious. Maybe it is just one of those situations where you have to see it in context.

Kids repeat what they hear. I can't imagine talking about moving in front of any kid and not hearing back about it. Actually, DH especially discusses possibly moving in front of the kids a lot and I am surprised we haven't heard back from my MIL about it - but I think that the kids also know she wouldn't like it, so that is might be why they've kept quiet about it.

My DD is pretty into her brother's dairy intolerance, so she'd probably say something to anyone who tried to feed him milk. I guess it seems the kid didn't say anything to you but did to the parents and that bugs you? Maybe this kid is not that comfortable with you/trusting of you, and is looking out for the baby.

Again, I get why you would feel annoyed by what happened, and if the parents are being difficult about stuff then sure, there's an issue with them, but as far as the kid goes it really doesn't sound like anything big or particularly odd.

Tjej

[Boot]

The examples you give aren't what I would call true tattle taling however, in case this helps, this is what I tell my students to help them know when to come to an adult - 'Tattle Taling is when you are trying to get someone INTO trouble, Truth Telling is when you're trying to get someone OUT of trouble'. For example, 'Sally just picked some flowers and she's not supposed to' is tattle taling but 'Sally has climbed a tree and I'm worried she'll fall' is truth telling. It's a fine distinction and hard for children (and adults) to get. Of course, this is only helpful if the boy is coming to you. If this boy is mostly tattle taling ON you, rather than TO you then I think you need to talk to the parents like the previous posters said.

[Ruthla]

If he's anything like my 8.5yo, he probably rambles on and on about anything and everything he saw or heard that day, and I only half listen. But if something in his narrative struck me as important, I'd want to verify the information.

Quite frankly, the "honey nut cheerios" thing would have bothered me- not because of the potential for cooked honey, but because I wouldn't want my babies eating nuts, plus there are probably other junky ingredients (HFCS?) in the cereal, and I wouldn't want the baby developing a taste for sweets. If we're out of plain cheerios, then feed him some crackers or rice cakes. I can 100% understand why she asked about that.

Similarly, I'd be concerned if my babysitter might be moving, and if I'd heard a rumor about it, I'd want to clarify.

If there are other things he's doing that bother you, maybe you should talk to him directly about it. He probably has no idea that his behavior is upsetting you.

[robin4kids]

Well I know this kid and he is a TATTLE TALE. I spoke with my mom and she suggested something that makes perfect sense. This child wants to get his parents all excited and worked up. He wants to get other people in trouble. Why? Because he gets attention when he does this. I guess you would have to meet his parents to know this is true. His mom calls the school EVERY time her kids say something happened at school.

And this child walked in on our private conversation. It would be impossible for us to avoid all private conversations every day. I babysit in my house, my dh is home early in the summer and sometimes a quick 5min conversation needs to happen if we are going to rent our house out.

I have decided that this child just is given too much freedom in my house. I was allowing him and my ds to go wherever they want. Now this child will just have to stay in my "daycare rooms" with the younger children.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

I know this is probably something that his parents trained him to do, but it s not a good trait to have.

I just finished Nurtureshock (BEST parenting/childhood theory book ever- I can't recommend it enough) and they actually say otherwise! I know, I was surprised, too.

We (as parents, esp here) try so hard to instill a strong bond with our kiddos, then punish them for trusting us with what they feel is valuable information. Studies have shown tattlers are punished more frequently and with more severity than children who lie, etc.

It was very interesting to read, and, really, it makes sense. Kids can learn the difference between "tattling" to get another into trouble and just asking for help/ relaying info/etc.

As others have said, this doesn't sound like "tattling," but a child who is very in tune with his surroundings and a healthy attachment to his parents. I bet it's irritating, though, and again echoing others, I'd try to fix the problem from my end (not saying things I wouldn't want repeated in front of him) instead of trying to alter the triad he and his parents seem happy with.

*edited to add:

Originally Posted by robin4kids

Well I know this kid and he is a TATTLE TALE.

Have you considered having someone else babysit this child? Once you start labeling a child as a liar, a thief, a tattler, etc, you're going to have a very hard time seeing him or her as anything else. It doesn't sound like from this brief two messages you've posted that it's an ideal relationship for either of you.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by ErinYay

IHave you considered having someone else babysit this child? Once you start labeling a child as a liar, a thief, a tattler, etc, you're going to have a very hard time seeing him or her as anything else. It doesn't sound like from this brief two messages you've posted that it's an ideal relationship for either of you.

It's a poor match. Do the kid a favor and let the family know it isn't working out.

[mamazee]

I don't see a problem with him telling his parents either of those things, either. He is concerned about his sibling's diet, probably because his parents have talked about it, and he was right to keep his parents informed about it if it was something they'd want to know about. And he knew his parents would want to know if there was talk about you moving, and he was right to tell them that. Of course his loyalty will be to his parents and not to you. Maybe these were just bad examples? I can see why you don't like the idea of his parents micromanaging you, and this could lead to that, but that IMO is an issue with the parents and not the child.

[GuildJenn]

Nothing should be going on at a babysitter's that my son can't tell me about.

[mommy22boys]

I agree with the OP. I don't think it's right for kids to listen to other people's conversions that don't include them and then tell their parents about them. I think that the parents should be embarrassed to even ask you about the moving thing because obviously if you really were moving you would have told them, and they should be embarrassed about having a nosey 9yo. I agree that is a horrible trait to have, especially as they grow up.

It sounds like the parents encourage this behavior and don't think there is anything wrong with it, so I don't think talking to them would do any good. I would maybe talk to the boy. Maybe say something like "you don't have to tell your mom about conversations that you hear me and DH having." Not in like a telling him off kinda a way, just normal nice tone.

[katelove]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

Maybe say something like "you don't have to tell your mom about conversations that you hear me and DH having." Not in like a telling him off kinda a way, just normal nice tone.

Hm, I think I would be *very* worried about any adult who tried to encourage my child to not tell me things. Even if it was a harmless overheard conversation. I just don't think there is ever a good reason for another adult to try and create that kind of dynamic.

I agree with the PP's who said that it is more an issue of the parents than the child. I think anything you say in front of a child you need to expect to be passed on. It is up to the parents to be discerning enough to work out how to handle both the child and the information. They should decide whether to say "It's not nice to gossip Dear" or "Hm, that's interesting Little Johnny, pass the bean dip" or whether it's something they need to follow up.

IMO, for what it's worth, the cereal issue was reasonable to follow up if that is something which concerns them. The moving issue should probably have been a "Hm, that's interesting" but, if their daycare arrangements are something which they stress over then I can see why they mentioned it.

[Arduinna]

I agree with PPs, this child needs another caregiver.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by katelove

Hm, I think I would be *very* worried about any adult who tried to encourage my child to not tell me things. Even if it was a harmless overheard conversation. I just don't think there is ever a good reason for another adult to try and create that kind of dynamic.

Yes, that!

Also, it occurred to me that the OP has no way of knowing if this child was (God forbid) the victim of abuse of some sort, or if there was an incident involving someone close to the family, so they've instituted a "tell us anything, at any time" policy. Abusers loooooove to enlist kids in secret-keeping, so it may be their way of combating that.

In addition, as we've all said, the child isn't tattling, he's relaying information. It's not tattling when my husband comes home from work and says, "Dave said the FUNNIEST thing to one of his clients today!" He's just telling me something he thought I'd like to know.

I wonder if the OP isn't a little defensive because, at the core, she feels a little guilty for not telling her families that they are moving (if they're renting the house out, it sounds like a done deal) earlier so they could make alternative plans. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't get upset if someone relays *anything* I've said unless I have some shame about it. Taking my armchair shrink hat off now.

[mommy22boys]

Originally Posted by katelove

Hm, I think I would be *very* worried about any adult who tried to encourage my child to not tell me things. Even if it was a harmless overheard conversation. I just don't think there is ever a good reason for another adult to try and create that kind of dynamic.

I know, normally I'd think that would be strange and inappropriate to do, but I've known a child like this before, and it is pretty annoying and a bad trait to have once you're older. But yeah, actually you're right, that woudn't be right at all even in this case. Maybe with the mom there you can say that? And then she might realize that her son is gossiping when he does that and help him to stop, but still make sure he tells her about things she should know about. I don't know... or else just try really hard to not talk about anything in front of him.

[mamazee]

I don't think it's fair to characterize this as gossip. Gossip is when you talk about things that don't directly affect you and your family. When you talk about other people's business instead of your own business. The family is affected by the child care provider moving, and the family is affected by the baby eating something the mother doesn't let him eat (which is what he thought happened.) This is their business. These might just not be good examples, but these specific examples aren't of gossip.

[mommy22boys]

Originally Posted by mamazee

the family is affected by the baby eating something the mother doesn't let him eat (which is what he thought happened.) This is their business.

I completely agree with this. I would hope my DS would do the same. That is something serious that affects their family and of course the mother should know. It would be nice to have your DS looking out for your interests and his sibling. But a private conversation between and wife and husband are not his business and I think is gossiping.

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I agree with PPs, this child needs another caregiver.

Yep!!

[laohaire]

I see this as 100% a parent thing. Kids talk. It's your responsibility to have private conversations out of earshot.

I don't doubt for a minute that he's a tattle tale, but it's the parents that are creating that from what you described. If they didn't jump all over everything he said, it wouldn't be a big deal.

My kid tells me stuff but I don't then march over to my neighbor's house and inform them what I heard. So this is a parent problem.

I also don't encourage it from my kid, try to extract every little thing. Also I don't "reward" her for tattling.

I was a tattle in Kindergarten myself. I always connected with adults better than my peers. So I figured I'd win the trust and admiration of my teachers by tattling. (Cause I knew winning the trust and admiration of my peers was a much harder task, for me at least - skinny kid with glasses and hearing aids). But my K teacher put an end to it pretty quick - she just didn't want to hear it. She didn't punish me or anything, but she was uninterested in whatever tattling I had to say.

I can only imagine what would have happened if she actually acted on everything I said. The power! Sounds like that's what's happening with this family. And that's all on the parents in this case (I say in this case because I wasn't a tattle to my parents... I just tried it out when I went to school). Kids are just trying to work out where they are in this world.