Tattle taling 9 y/o! - Page 2

[HappyHappyMommy]

I’m a frequent lurker and occasional poster and decided to respond here because this thread has really stuck in my head.

First, I agree with all of the PPs who have noted that this sounds like it’s not a good caregiver/child match. But I also think that think as a caregiver (or parent) this is an important topic to think about because if it’s an issue you’ve had with one child, it will likely come up again with others in the future.

Originally Posted by robin4kids

This child is a nice kid and plays well with my son, but he is a HUGE tattle tale. He also is a sneaky tattle tale.

Originally Posted by robin4kids

Well I know this kid and he is a TATTLE TALE.

I bothered by the labeling here of the child as a “tattle tale.” OP, I gently but firmly encourage you to think about your language here and not to label the children that you’re working with. A child might *do* something that you dislike, but remind yourself that this child is a whole person. Each of us is greater than at one of singular actions. And as one of the PP said very well:

Originally Posted by ErinYay

Once you start labeling a child as a liar, a thief, a tattler, etc, you're going to have a very hard time seeing him or her as anything else.

If a child takes an action, address the action, but not as a value judgment on the child as a whole.

With regards to the action of “tattling,” I strongly dislike and, therefore, don’t use the term “tattling” ever and encourage others I know not to use that term as well. I believe in being open to whatever my child (or any child in my care) wants to share. What I choose to do and whether I choose to act on what I’ve been told is up to me, but I want my child to feel that she can tell me anything that’s important to hear and that she shouldn’t have to keep secrets.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Nothing should be going on at a babysitter's that my son can't tell me about.

Originally Posted by katelove

Hm, I think I would be *very* worried about any adult who tried to encourage my child to not tell me things. Even if it was a harmless overheard conversation. I just don't think there is ever a good reason for another adult to try and create that kind of dynamic.

I’ve heard a lot of people (IRL) use an example similar to the one below (so I'm quoting you Boot, but I've heard this from others as well):

Originally Posted by Boot

The examples you give aren't what I would call true tattle taling however, in case this helps, this is what I tell my students to help them know when to come to an adult - 'Tattle Taling is when you are trying to get someone INTO trouble, Truth Telling is when you're trying to get someone OUT of trouble'.

I don’t use/agree with this because I’ve worked with lots of children with abusive backgrounds, many of whom will say when asked why they didn’t tell something like “[Abuser] told me that he/she would get into trouble and that I shouldn’t get people into trouble.” I've also worked with children who were bullied and were told "If you tell, no one will be your friend."

Originally Posted by ErinYay

Also, it occurred to me that the OP has no way of knowing if this child was (God forbid) the victim of abuse of some sort, or if there was an incident involving someone close to the family, so they've instituted a "tell us anything, at any time" policy. Abusers loooooove to enlist kids in secret-keeping, so it may be their way of combating that.

Even if the child has not been abused, if a child might (unfortunately) be confronted with an abusive situation in the future. IME, one of the more important ways to keep our children safe from abuse is to have an open, honest relationship and to listen to them. A child who feels like he/she will be listened to can go to adult if something’s not feeling right and express that and get help. A child who feel like the adults in their life don’t take seriously the things that are important to them (regardless of what those things are) probably isn’t going to talk if he/she needs help.

Originally Posted by ErinYay

We (as parents, esp here) try so hard to instill a strong bond with our kiddos, then punish them for trusting us with what they feel is valuable information.

It’s not up to us to decide for our children what is important to them to share. It’s up to us to decide how we respond when our child shares information. And those responses can vary . Sometimes, that may mean that I respond with an action. Or other times, further discussion. Or other times, nodding, eye contact, or just an acknowledgment that I heard. Personally, as a parent, I probably would have said the following if my child shared the information discussed above:
“Thanks for letting me know about the cereal. We’ll check with [Name] tomorrow.”
“So, you heard they might move? How do you feel about that?”