How to BALANCE plans for a natural birth + positive outlook, against acceptance that you can’t...

[MegBoz]

Comments on the “Scared of Natural Birth” thread got me thinking. Several have said that if sometimes women get fixated on doing everything naturally, if it doesn’t turn out the way they planned for whatever reason, they feel like a failure & that is a shame.

I totally get that & think it’s a great point. The fact of the matter is simply that we can’t guarantee anything. We just can’t.

But a few problems arise with balancing these semi-opposing viewpoints. & I’m wondering about your thoughts.

I kinda view it like going on a job interview – it’s crucial to be confident & EXPECT that they will love you! You are practically guaranteed NOT to succeed if you go in without confidence. (& with natural birth, it’s also best to go in not terrified of it & feeling confident that you are strong enough to birth naturally.) But yet, you also have to realize you are not in control & don’t let it devastate you if you don’t get the job (or natural birth).

IOW, you must expect the best, while being accepting of a different (not-what-you-planned) outcome.

So how do you do it? Do you think these views are opposing & how do you balance holding contradictory views?

[CI Mama]

Thank you for posting this question! I'm very interested to see how people respond.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

I think non-attachment to a particular outcome is a very advanced spiritual skill. A lot of suffering is caused in all areas of our life because we want and expect things to be a certain way, and then they aren't. If I were an advanced buddhist practitioner, I could probably say more about that, but I'm not.

When I prepared for labor, I educated myself about natural childbirth, but I also knew that it was unreasonable to expect things to be picture perfect. I promised myself that I wouldn't beat myself up if things took a different path.

Well, they took a different path, and I beat myself up for that, though over time I am developing more compassion for myself. It's funny, sometimes I've even beat myself up for beating myself up!

I certainly don't have it all figured out. I just know that life is an embrace of contradictions, and I keep trying to be OK with that.

[Xavismom]

FWIW, I think letting go of control is part of going through the birth process, however that process may end up being for you, wherever you end up on the birth spectrum.

I have always been a huge control freak, and I honestly believe that I had a long hard labor because some part of me needed to let that go, and I couldnt move forward (in labor) until I did. It was a hard thing for someone like me to do!

Upside I do a lot better now after my birth not feeling like I have to control everything and everyone all the time, and I think it makes me a better mother than I would have been had I not had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Sorry if this was not the type of answer you were after, this is just what popped in my head reading your post!

[Mosaic]

Great question! I don't think they're opposing views.

Personally, I go into birth expecting things to go well and put my focus on going with the flow. That kept me from inventing an "ideal birth" and gave me the mental and emotional ability to change gears when things were challenging.

The job interview example is a good one: you want to get the job, but you also want it to be a GOOD job, not just any ol' job. You want a healthy baby, but it sure would be nice to have a great birth, too. So when interviewing, I focus on putting my best foot forward and trying to see if it's a good fit. When birthing, I focus on relaxing, doing my best, and living in the moment. To me, that does not mean relinquishing control at all; I am calm and in control even as my body and baby did things I wasn't expecting.

I ended up having 2 "perfect-for-me" births, in spite of hours of back labor for #1 and nearly having #2 in my car.

[CI Mama]

Another thought on the job interview analogy...

Sometimes you're interviewing for your dream job. You know it's perfect for you, that you're totally qualified for it, and that if you get it you'll be really happy. Your education aligns perfectly with the job requirements, you've done a lot of research about the job & the employer, and you feel completely prepared to have a great interview. In that situation, it's probably easy to muster confidence.

Sometimes, you're interviewing for a job that you know less about and are less certain about your qualifications. Maybe your qualifications don't match up perfectly with the job requirements, or your research about the job/employer isn't as thorough, or you're not as certain that the job will be a perfect fit even if you get it, or you're not sure how to present yourself in the best light. In that situation, it might be harder to go in brimming with confidence. You might have more of a "wait and see" approach, you might have to improvise more as you go.

That's the scenario for me as I entered my labor. It was hard to form really concrete expectations and I certainly didn't have boundless confidence. I was in more of a "let's see what this is like for me" mode.

I thought that being in that mode would make it easier on me if I had a difficult outcome (which I did). What I wasn't counting on was how physical trauma, exhaustion, and depletion completed short circuited all my coping mechanisms.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by CI Mama

Thank you for posting this question! I'm very interested to see how people respond.

Thanks! It's a Q that has intrigued me as well, so I hope I've articulated the issue properly & I look forward to a continued discussion.

Originally Posted by CI Mama

I think non-attachment to a particular outcome is a very advanced spiritual skill.

I like how you phrased it. "Non-attachment to a particular outcome" yes, that sums it up nicely. & I would agree that it's an advanced skill.

Originally Posted by CI Mama

It's funny, sometimes I've even beat myself up for beating myself up!

I did the EXACT.SAME.THING when I went to 41W4D with my DS. I was convinced I'd have him before 40W (I know, I know, stupid!) So I already felt late when I hit 40W. I never thought I'd make it to 41W & when it stretched beyond there, without even any BH ctrx, I was an emotional mess! "My uterus doesn't even work!" & yes - I did the same thing - beat myself up over the fact that I was beating myself up! (Especially when my doula said, "Relax! The stress can inhibit labor." Awesome! Now it's my fault. More stress! Just what I need.

I actually made a million phone calls & found a psychologist who had an opening that day. She said, "Is there any way you could be more gentle with yourself?" Somehow, that phrase really resonated with me. Yeah, just be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a loved one! That helped me let go a bit from the beating up.

Originally Posted by Xavismom

FWIW, I think letting go of control is part of going through the birth process, however that process may end up being for you, wherever you end up on the birth spectrum.

I hear this a lot, as well as the phrase, "You must surrender to labor." I don't really agree.
To me, "surrender" is to "give up control" - to allow someone/something else to be dominating & controlling you. But the labor IS you! Labor IS YOUR BODY! So how can you "surrender to yourself"! See what I mean?

I just don't personally think the word "surrender" is accurate.

DH & I did the Bradley method & I remembered the phrase, "Get out of the way" (of ctrx.) Well, that's what I tried to do. "Get out of the way" WAS MY JOB! That is what I was actively doing (relaxing physically & mentally) to enable my body to dilate. (I also needed to accept the fact that I simply can't know how long it will take - don't have VEs & do "labor math" - just stay in the moment, one ctrx at a time.)

I just don't see that all as "surrendering." Although I see what you mean that you have to accept that you can't control it.

[Sudonk]

When I took the time to visualize my birth, I always pictured an idealized version of it. I saw myself happy and confident, and everyone around me beaming and amazed by how well I was doing. I saw my body working perfectly and my baby slipping out smoothly and easily. I knew perfectly well that things could go very differently than that, but I saw no point to spending time visualizing (which is a way of working towards something) a birth that happened in a way I didn't want my birth to go.

But my visualizations were very different from my goal. My personal goal for my births was to have the safest, most enjoyable birth experience possible, given whatever circumstances arose. I wanted to know in the end that I had used all the knowledge and skills I had given myself in preparation to make good decisions along the way. I didn't want to look back on it and think, "If only I had done (X, Y or Z) instead!" That inspired me to put plenty of effort and thought into my preparations and gave me space to embrace as "successful" any path my births took, while still working toward an ideal.

I think for me it helped when I learned Hypnobabies Childbirth Hypnosis, which focuses on the belief that you can have a great, unmedicated birth and teaching you what you need to know to make informed decisions in a variety of situations. There is even a script specifically written to be used only in the case where the birth has taken an unexpected turn. It helps mom regain her focus and choose to frame the experience in a non-traumatic way. For me, knowing that I had the information I needed to address a wide variety of situations allowed me to put fears aside, because I felt totally prepared so I didn't have fear gnawing away at me. I knew that if something went really wrong, I had done absolutely everything I could to maximize my safety and that of my baby and I found solace in that.

[WaitingForKiddos]

Warning that this is coming from a 39 week pregnant hormonal mama!


I planned my frickin' free standing birth center, crunchy, LMW attended births twice now and twice now it's failed!

First time I lost the baby at 20 weeks due to pprom and ended up in the hospital with a VERY bad attending OB, a PTSD stricken DH, crazy infections and no baby. Now I'm 39 weeks and suddenly changing plans for a cesarean at the same hospital because I've got a breech baby that is too large to safely meet the guidelines that are set for a vaginal birth. (Note to anyone thinking of sending me links to Spinningbabies or telling me about how Moxi treatments flipped their kid....not a good idea! I tried 'em all. Nothing worked.)

What has gotten/is getting me though is that I lived through it. With my first birth I really had the birth I wanted....kinda'. It was with my midwife's attendance, natural, and not 'bad' despite the outcome. Huge lessons in birth and pregnancy being out of my control.

Now, I'm happy to think that soon I'll have a warm and squishy baby in my arm though wiggling against an incision I wouldn't have chosen in different circumstances. Perspective I guess.

As much as we might cringe when the phrase 'what is important is a healthy baby and mama' is used to excuse things we don't think are beneficial, and maybe harmful, it still needs to be a bottom line.

I totally agree with the idea of non-attachment to a particular outcome.


Now, off to see if my crunchy-card is revoked....

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

To me, "surrender" is to "give up control" - to allow someone/something else to be dominating & controlling you. But the labor IS you! Labor IS YOUR BODY! So how can you "surrender to yourself"! See what I mean?

I just don't personally think the word "surrender" is accurate.

DH & I did the Bradley method & I remembered the phrase, "Get out of the way" (of ctrx.) Well, that's what I tried to do. "Get out of the way" WAS MY JOB! That is what I was actively doing (relaxing physically & mentally) to enable my body to dilate. (I also needed to accept the fact that I simply can't know how long it will take - don't have VEs & do "labor math" - just stay in the moment, one ctrx at a time.)

I just don't see that all as "surrendering." Although I see what you mean that you have to accept that you can't control it.

It's funny, I have a totally positive connotation around the word "surrender." To me it means to stop resisting, to allow things to be the way they need to be. It's the idea of getting out of my own way...letting go...and it comes with a sense of relief. When I surrender, it usually means that I finally give up on trying to control every frickin' thing and begin the process of accepting What Is.

I use the word "submission" when I think about letting someone else dominate/control me. For me, that has negative associations, but I recognize that for some people, submission feels good. To each their own!

[mwherbs]

I like to use the wording sense of resolve-
it is like surrender not to other people but the birth process itself and where it takes you - it doesn't even have to come into transfer of care it might be not expecting to make noise or not wanting to make noise but for what ever reason when labor is flowing smoothly you make noise and to accept that - I have watched women fight stuff like this or other time where a woman may say I can't do it, no I don't want to do it and then they have a sense of resolve- you see it comes over them how ever it feels what ever it takes -ok-
----------------
the serenity prayer is something you might consider -

[chellebee]

After having a really difficult experience with my first birth, this is something that I have spent the last couple years putting a lot of thought into.

I think having goals are important. I also think our desires for how we want to birth should be a part of those goals because if it *can* be the best thing ever, then obviously that's great.

BUT...I know I personally had no balancing factor for my outcome-driven mindset. I was the type of person who was typing up a transfer/hospital birth plan as we were getting out the door for a PIH related risk out/induction. I think what was missing for me was PROCESS. The outcome was so forefront in my mind that I hadn't spent a lot of time figuring out how I can make the birth a birth and 'take back' a part of it even if it didn't go how I wanted.

I feel like a lot of childbirth ed methods ignore or spend too little time on process type material and are so focused on driving the point of natural childbirth home so hard that it leaves no room for a mom who for whatever reason, doesn't have the ideal situation.

[CI Mama]

Just had another perspective to share...

I don't think it's just in the natural birth community that people get fixated on birth going a particular way and then are bummed or traumatized when it doesn't turn out that way. Some women are very comfortable with the medical establishment and consider the use of interventions such as epidurals a part of their ideal birth. That kind of woman might be completely traumatized by a precipitous birth where no intervention is possible, whereas in the natural birth world we might consider that birth "perfect"!

Just pointing out that our expectations set us up for experiences like that.

[GuildJenn]

I'm such an outlier in these threads but I'll bite anyway.

In my first pregnancy I was focused on natural birth but as an oppositional state. Like "I'm NOT going to have an over-managed birth" "I'm NOT going to have a c-section" and so on. I was really relaxed - got into the hospital at 7 cm in a very self-congratulatory state. I was very focused on "natural" equaling "calm and accepting," feeling my feminine power, being grounded in all the women that had birthed before me, and so on.

It all went to pieces through mismanagement and fluke and cost my daughter her life ultimately (4 days later).

What I came to realize, besides my deep and to be honest abiding anger at the professionals who utterly failed me and my daughter, is that death is a natural process and so is suffering and so is fear. I'd read the Gift of Fear in the past in a totally different context, but for whatever reason I had managed to get it in my mind that fearing labour is somehow entirely a 20th century creation.

But, as I found afterwards - it's really not. Women who have been able to leave written records have always feared birth. I realized that the construct of a positive-thinking woman in labour is just that - a modern construct and part of a society that insists on positivity as a force of nature. (I pause here to recommend Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich.)

While I don't agree with embracing negativity exclusively either, I came to see unfettered positivity as being just as wrong (for me anyway) as unfettered negativity and a scheduled c-section 'just in case.'

So I approached my second birth not just aware that as a traumatized parent and woman and birther that it would be difficult, but with the help of my wonderful OB and antenatal nurse I worked through how I would respond to that fear and concern, and also laid out how the L&D team would make decisions. (For us, it made sense to be conservative, given our background.)

In other words, I decided that for me the process was going to be fearful and upsetting and that would just be the process. I desperately wanted a healthy baby at the end of it but even that seemed remote at the time. I just decided to accept that it would be lousy and accept what help I needed as things came.

I had an unusually easy second birth but I still had some interventions out of fear. We had a scalp monitor placed as soon as possible. I had an epidural placed because first, we were pretty sure we would end up as a c-section and then I could be awake, and second, I figured the body-memories of where my daughter was stuck would trigger off fear and the fear would intensify the pain. As it turned out my son was moving down the canal during the placement (Not. Fun.) and it never really got turned on (what a waste).

The fact that I was in denial when I went into labour, fearful the whole time, and panicked -- seriously panicked -- at that point never impeded his progress one iota. I suspect that's partly because I was ready to work at the labour part - moving, positions, pushing, and so on - despite the fear. It wasn't a frozen fear, it was just fear.

I have no regrets about anything to do with my son's birth even if it was, in the end, way overly dramatic and highly managed for no reason (other than fear) whatsoever. If I had had a c-section I don't know how I would feel, but I felt at the time I was prepared for that too.

Anyways, don't know if that helps. I'm hopefully headed for a third labour and thinking hard about how I'll approach this one.

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

Going into my pregnancy I TRUSTED MY BODY form the very day I became pregnant. Allowing our bodies to do the job they were meant to do, allowed my mind to be at ease. I filled my brain with positive birth stories, stayed away from all doctors and testing, became one with my womanhood and everything worked like it was meant to be. I never had one doubt in my mind that anything other than a homebirth would occur. I willed my birth, and it was heavenly. Mind over matter! 100%

[zoebird]

i think a huge part of this is understanding that whatever happens, you can handle it.

i knew that i wanted an pleasurable, pain free unassisted childbirth. i knew that i could do some things to create that, but that there was no guarantee.

so, i also had to look at all of the other possibilities, and i realized that should the worst happen--to me or the baby--or anything between what i prepped for and the worst (ie, the worst being death to me, baby, or both), that i could handle it. i mean, if i were dead, there would be nothing to handle, but i knew that my husband and family and everyone would continue on, they would handle it. and i knew that if we lost the baby, we would handle it. and i knew that if we had to ahve a full on medical assisted birth (c-section, whatever), that we would handle it.

so the idea being that i was strong enough to handle whatever the "worst" might be, so to an extent i could put that out of my mind and then just focus on what i wanted to happen and hope and plan for that as best i could.

[zoebird]

guildjenn:

i think your post is really helpful.

while i do believe in the power of positive thinking, i do not believe it in the sort of blind way that it is sometimes sold. the truth is, the "shadow side" is *really* important. and it is about a balance between them.

one of the things that i find powerful is how we prepare ourselves in different ways, doing what we need to do, and we get these amazing curve balls.

and i agree, fear is normal with birth. as i have said before, the old wise tales say that the woman must pass through death to bring forth life. facing that *is* scary. having been to that point, i know what it is and i do not take it lightly.

fear isn't really the issue, imo. i think it's the desire t control it all that creates a problem, and then the fear and tension that come out of that. i think it makes it harder.

anyway, thanks for your experiences.

[cileag]

It really helped for me to envision birth as being in front of about 100 paths and I didn't know ultimately which one I would end up going down. I had a couple of preferred ones, and a couple of last resort ones, but most were in the middle. What was ultimately most important to me was that I had guides that would support me no matter which set of circumstances I went through. In my case, it was my home birth team. I actually had a really difficult time envisioning my birth ending up at home--especially since I'm an OB nurse---so I really felt like I was preparing for advanced laboring at home with a transfer at some point. It ended up going beautifully and we had just about the picture perfect home birth, but I ruminated a lot on many various scenarios during pregnancy and had to come to grips with, at the very least, their possibility.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie

I never had one doubt in my mind that anything other than a homebirth would occur. I willed my birth, and it was heavenly. Mind over matter! 100%

emphasis mine

Hmm, I could be wrong, but it seems to me as if you are saying: "If your mind is in the right place, you WILL have a great, natural, healthy birth. It is all about your mind."

Am I wrong in that paraphrasing?
If I'm wrong, I'd love to hear further details. Also, based on your viewpoint, it sounds as though you would have had a hard time in coping if you did have to transfer & have interventions for some reason (Since it sounds as though you didn't think transfer+intervention could be even possible.). Am I wrong about that?

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

To me, "surrender" is to "give up control" - to allow someone/something else to be dominating & controlling you. But the labor IS you! Labor IS YOUR BODY! So how can you "surrender to yourself"! See what I mean?

I just don't personally think the word "surrender" is accurate.

Another definition of surrender is to give up one thing in favor of another - not just to give up. When someone surrenders, it is with the idea of getting some relief, right? We surrender so we don't have to fight a losing battle.

So you surrender your image of the textbook perfect birth, in favor of doing your best to prepare and then accepting yourself and the outcome.

And if it doesn't turn out to be your ideal birth, you first have to fight - acceptance does not come until you have struggled. You go over the birth, you try to think of what you could have done differently, you assign blame, you wish it had been different. And then eventually, you get tired of this, and you surrender this fight, in favor of accepting peace with what is.

The next step is forgiving yourself - this is hard, and you can't rush it, b/c you have to go through the what-ifs first - and then once you can forgive yourself, you can accept what is and what happened.

Then you can make choices out of self-knowledge, and not fear.

[kcparker]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

you must expect the best, while being accepting of a different (not-what-you-planned) outcome.

So how do you do it? Do you think these views are opposing & how do you balance holding contradictory views?

I don't think these views are opposing, though I like to avoid words like 'plan' and 'expect.' You have to prepare for the kind of birth you want to have - good nutrition, good posture, relaxation practice, choosing a care provider and birth setting that makes you feel confident and supported, being aware of possible complications and interventions that might need to be in the bag of tricks if things are not straightforward. And then you have to say to yourself, "I prepared the best I could, and the course of labor is unknown. I have the tools and inner strength to work with what arises."

I think that cultivating an openness to what is, rather than what we would like to be, is what is meant by 'surrender.' It is a relinquishing of our own particular desires about how a birth 'should' play out in favor of embracing the not-knowing ahead of time. We can always control how we respond to a situation (not necessarily how we react internally, but the actions we take when confronted with a situation or emotion). Fixation brings rigidity, and birth is a time when our own ego-desires may have to bend and get out of the way for the birth to happen with as few hindrances as possible. This might mean letting go of fear, acknowledging that it's time to transport, or consenting to the cesarean. Sometimes events which are unwelcome can be explained and accepted in retrospect - the baby with the X4 nuchal cord, the undiagnosed transverse lie, the painful pit. induction for a mother who hasn't slept in two days who accepts an epidural so she can rest - and with knowledge about what derailed your plans, you gain insight and understanding of why the birth went as it did.

I come back to this: if you have prepared your body, mind, and birthplace, you can go into the labor with confidence that you have done the best you can, and the rest is really, truly, out of your control. I think that makes it easier to be kind with yourself if a birth does not turn out the way you wanted it to.