How to BALANCE plans for a natural birth + positive outlook, against acceptance that you can’t... - Page 2

[CI Mama]

A few thoughts on "expecting the best."

For me part of the balancing act surrounding labor was negotiating the space between what I thought was ideal and what I thought was possible for me. Clearly for some women, there is no space between those 2 things. But for me "expecting the best" didn't mean "expecting that my vision of a totally ideal birth for an ideal woman is going to happen to me." It meant "expecting the best possible outcome given my realities which I acknowledge are not ideal in all respects."

For example, I learned enough about hospital birth and home birth to feel that home birth sounded pretty amazingly ideal in most circumstances. But feeling that didn't make it possible for me to choose a home birth. There were many complex reasons that I chose a hospital birth (top two were 1. I couldn't afford to do anything that wasn't covered 100% by my health insurance and 2. there was no way that my partner was going to get on board with it).

Also, I didn't necessarily feel that it was ideal to be working full time up to my due date. It would have been much better for me if I had been able to begin my maternity leave a month before my due date. I would have taken more time for nesting & self care and I probably would have entered labor in a much more rested and relaxed state. But I had very limited maternity leave options and I couldn't make the choices that I felt were ideal.

So I planned for a hospital birth and I learned what I could about having a natural birth in a hospital. I hired a doula. I felt good that my hospital had L&D rooms and offered education about natural child birth & generally seemed pretty reception to natural birth. My partner and I talked a lot about strategies for helping me have a med free vaginal birth in the hospital. I definitely trusted my body and felt that I had a reasonable chance of having the kind of birth I wanted, given my circumstances.

Looking back, I think that I trusted my body too much. What I mean is, I trusted that my body could overcome the non-ideal circumstances of being in a hospital and working practically up until the moment that labor began. I have extensive training as a dancer, including a regular improvisational practice. I felt that if I could approach my labor as a kind of improvisational dance and stay mobile the entire time, with my doula & my partner to support me, I would be able to have a normal birth.

I was wrong, of course. I now believe that for me and for this labor, I needed ideal circumstances in order to birth naturally.

The comments about forgiveness made by a PP totally resonate with me. Forgiving myself for not being able to manifest an ideal birth has been a big part of my process (before & after the birth).

[momtoafireteam]

I have used the word "surrender" in relation to my current pregnancy and birth. I dont feel it has a negative connotation, or even a positive one. I feel it has a peaceful one, and thats all I want right now.

My last birth I planned for a VBA2C. To say I wanted it is the biggest of understatements. I craved it, I LIVED for it. I was without a doubt totally obsessed with it. I spent hundreds of dollars on books, hundreds of hours researching and compiling studies and literally days driving all over going to conferences, movie showings, etc etc. I fought EVERYONE. Since I needed a backup OB I honestly dont think I went more than 4 weeks with the same one, sometimes driving 3 hours to find another one. You could never accuse me of not working hard enough, and not wanting it badly.

AND, I had a previous vaginal birth and my c/s's were elective. I was the PERFECT candidate. Perfect. I did everything perfectly.

And guess what? It failed. I had my third c/s and my daughter ended up in the NICU for weeks. That first night I had a total breakdown. I dont remember much, but the social workers called told me later that I kept crying "What did I do wrong???" over and over. I have a gorgeous healthy 28 month old, but when I look back at my pregnancy and delivery of her I feel nothing but conflict and pain and drama. I realized the other day that I dont even remember finding out that she was a girl, but damn sure I remember the arguments I presented to OB's. I dont remember much of her birth but being on that c/s table. I felt nothing but total and complete failure, and it took me a very long time to feel anything else.

Maybe you need a shocking experience like that to be able to use "surrender" in the way I do now. Because when I use it, I mean that I surrender to things that are out of my control and focus on what I can, within limits. I "surrender" to the fact that my duaghter is transverse. I do exercises and moxa, but I am not about to lay awake at night crying because it means I will have a c/s. I have "surrendered" to changing the way I think, and that everytime I start obsessing I instead lay down, put my hands on my belly and think about how gloriously lucky I am RIGHT NOW.

I have surrendered to spending wayyyyyyyy too much time and money on teeny tiny booties and outfits and less (none at all) time on rereading birthing books for the 245873rd time. I know it all already.

If "surrendering" to the point of wanting nothing but a beautiful healthy baby placed in my arms is someone else's definition of giving up or not fighting hard enough, thats OK. They weren't with me that first night after my last delivery. My power and my personal goal for this pregnancy was to be able to look back with joy, and to enjoy the process. So far I have completed that goal, although its been very hard at times. I still want a VBA3C, but if it doesnt happen the way I want it- thats OK too. It wont be because I did something wrong or didnt read enough Ina May Gaskin. I am already far more proud of myself and what I have overcome than I was at any point in my last pregnancy.

[Veritaserum]

I go in planning for and focusing on a natural birth with the knowledge that I am prepared to navigate whatever happens. I don't dwell on the "what ifs", but I know that I can meet any unexpected challenges that may arise (even if that includes medication or surgery or whatever).