how would you handle this

[Rose-Roget]

Ds is almost 6. He is very bright and capable, but he is distractible and energetic (don't know if beyond normal range, yet, though). Here is an example of a typical experience in our home. Not really a big deal, but I need some perspective to stop blowing it out of proportion.

Ds got up at 8:30. I gave him 30 minutes of tv (rare thing) while I finished getting myself and baby dressed. At 9:00, he came down to breakfast - a piece of toast with peanut butter and some blueberries. I fed the baby while he at his blueberries. At 9:15, I went upstairs to get baby to sleep. At 9:34, I went back downstairs (with baby still awake) and he had taken maybe 2 bites of his toast and spent the rest of the time telling himself stories.

I finally got him finished with breakfast, told him I needed to get baby to sleep, please wash hands, clean up plate (routine), and go get started on picking up his room. I explained that if we could get his room cleaned and him dressed while the baby slept, we could go do something fun this afternoon.

He came upstairs and fiddled in his room. He started to pick up, but then played around and pulled new things out. I folded laundry and put in loads of laundry, and stopped in his room every bit to check on progress. After almost an hour of time, there was ZERO progress. So I said that it didn't look like we'd be able to go. He kicked it in gear and cleaned his room beautifully.

Baby woke up. I told him to get his clothes on and brush his hair. He did those quickly. I asked him what he needed to do next, and he said brush his teeth. But then he started picking up his sister's toys in my room. I reminded him to brush his teeth. He started playing with his sister. Finally, we're at noon, I make him go brush his teeth, but I'm frustrated and exhausted.

We need to get a lot done around the house, but I wanted to do something fun. I just don't think we'll have time for it now. Since he eventually did get it in gear and none of his behaviors were refusals and he keeps saying he just wants to help, I feel bad taking away a privilege.

What do I do? Natural consequence - took too long, no time now? Or reward the things he finally did right and well?

[CarrieMF]

I don't see him having done anything that needs consequences for or a fun trip being taken away. At his age I'm surprised it only took till noon.lol

[Rose-Roget]

Thanks for the response. I agree - he did what needed to be done...eventually. It's just that for the amount of work there was, it could have taken much less time - even for him. I don't think that I wrote that I have an appointment later in the afternoon, so getting them to the water grounds (after an hour for lunch) was going to be too much. So... I'd told him there wouldn't be time to go, but that we'd try it later in the week and find something else to do today. Meanwhile, I was thinking of what we could do after lunch instead while I fed his sister and his dad was home for lunch with him. When I came downstairs, he was coming upstairs because he'd shaken baby oatmean flakes all over the table and floor while his dad went to get some milk. Obviously, he was mad.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

I don't see him having done anything that needs consequences for or a fun trip being taken away. At his age I'm surprised it only took till noon.lol

i totally agree.

i saw nothing wrong.

what is it you are wanting.

him to do exactly as you say? (please know i am not trying to be mean or insult you).

this is summer. he is on a whole different mindset (esp. if he goes to school). summers are lazy. i have an almost 8 year old and 'dragging her feet' is what i get all the time.

mama i say this gently but why are you so upset. its only noon and you got your son to clean up his room!!!! woah that's HUGE!!!!

you need to look at your frustrations!!! i personally feel you are being too hard. are you expecting too much. at least your son didnt argue with you, as my dd did when seh was 6.

make sure you go and do something fun whenever you can fit that in. just do it.

for yourself. not your kids. but do it. it will make you feel better.

if its anyone who needs natural consequences its you

give yourself a break. have some fun. anything. even if its small. and dont take parenting so seriously. its HARD work being a parent, esp. to two.

[Ruthla]

I see a few things you could possibly do differently next time.

1) Starting the day with TV. Some kids can watch for half an hour and then bounce around and do stuff, but many kids can't. Even a half hour of TV affects their brains in a way that just makes it harder for them to focus when the show is over. If your child is like this, then it's not fair to ask him to do tasks after watching TV- he might have done better cleaning up his room and then watching afterwards.

2) Maybe you just had unrealistic expectations of him. When you gave him clear, specific instructions ("Get dressed now") he easily complied. But the rest of the day, you were asking him to do things without you being right there to remind him. Finishing up his breakfast without you there to remind him to eat might have been too distracting (or that might have been from the TV.) A vague "clean up your toys while I do other chores" isn't really fair to ask of a 6yo either. My kids did very well with working if I was in the room with them, reminding them what needed doing. Give them tasks to go do without me, and they'd never get done.

When my daughters were 6 and 7.5, or 6.5 and 8, I was able to give them tasks and leave the room, because the older one was able to keep her sister on task. Most 6yos just can't do that by themselves. I understand why you're exhausted caring for two young children and the household. That really can't be helped. But your frustration level can be helped. Stop expecting your 6yo to act like an 8yo.

Give him smaller tasks at a time, with specific time limits. Maybe set up a game with a timer- let him race the timer (ticking away in his room) to see if he can clean up the toys before the timer goes off. Then the machine is there to "remind him and keep him on task" while you're doing other things. Or maybe try "let's see if you can get the toys picked up before I put away this load of laundry." Make it a contest, and the loser has to give the winner a kiss or a hug. The point is that he still needs some kind of constant reminder to stay on task and incentive to do things quickly.

It's fine to cancell a trip out because you're too exhausted to go, or because the morning chores took too long. But if you were hoping to leave the house at noon, and the chores were done by 12:15, then the natural consequence is that you get 15 fewer minutes at the park.

[AllisonR]

I am impressed by your DS behavior. He seems like a real joy. At the same time I am really confused what you see as disappointing or frustrating?

First, he ate some blueberries but did not eat much toast when he was by himself and you were with the baby. I don't see why telling himself stories instead is a problem? He ate the rest when you came back - probably with a little encouragement from you.

He washed his hands and cleaned his plate. Nice. Then he was to clean his room, while you were with the baby and doing laundry. He played with other toys, instead of doing what you wanted him to do - clean. Heck, I'd rather play than clean sometimes, and I'm a bit older than 6! And when you told him the consequences - not being able to go out in the afternoon, "he kicked it in gear and cleaned his room beautifully." I think it is fabulous your 6 yo can clean his room so well, without much guidance from you. My DS loves to clean, but I can't just say clean your room - it's too overwhelming and he will get distracted. But giving him concrete instructions - cleaning all the legos first, then when done moving on to the paper airplanes.... This helps a lot. Maybe you could give him some concrete guidance next time?

Next you said he quickly put on his clothes and brushed his hair. But then he didn't brush his teeth right away but cleaned up his sisters toys in your room. I also think this is fabulous - he's gotten into the cleaning spirit and is going beyond what was needed - also very generous to his sister, who he then plays with. I'd say good sibling relationships trumps most other things. And he does brush his teeth after this.

So I'm not understanding what the issues are. He kept saying he wanted to help - and I see a bunch of him helping here in your description. Do you not see him helping? Are you disappointed in him?

[Rose-Roget]

I appreciate the feedback and perspective to get a grip.

My frustration stems from this being all. the. time. Families who are out the door for a morning outing astound me. If I have no expectation other than getting dressed, we can maybe make it somewhere by 10. But now that the baby needs to nap in the am, I set my sights on afternoon outings and hope to get something done in the am.

Meals last at least an hour each in this house. I love imaginative play and I love to hear his stories. It's just that his stories interrupt his eating - here and at school - and that takes away from available time to do other things.

Teeth brushing takes about 20 minutes for the same reason, unless I am by his side the whole time, and even then I have to keep on top of him to keep him on task.

I will say that tv is a rarity in this house. I know very well the affect tv has on his brain. He hasn't watched in about 2 weeks; I figured I'd give him a little morning treat while I got dressed.

When I say that I told him to clean his room, I didn't mean to give the impression that I just told him and abandoned him. I specifically suggested what he should do when he needed, saw him start to do it, and then checked back regularly. But when I have to say the same thing again and again, it gets to me.

When I said to wash his hands and clean up his plate, I did leave him to do it exactly because it's routine. He did wash his hands, he did not clear his plate from the table.

I love spending time with him, but I cannot be on top of him every second just to get basic activities accomplished. As for the room, I need to make it a point to be more present and break it into smaller tasks when he's not focussing. But again, that just increases the amount of time it takes to get the tasks done because I still need to get household things done too and tend to the baby's needs after/in the middle of being ever-present for him.

I think what it boils down to is that I don't multi-task very well, especially these days, so it always feels like a trade-off between getting things done around the house or being able to get out during the day. Ugh. Thanks for listening and helping me get some perspective.

[LuckyMommaToo]

I mostly agree with the other posters. But also, my kid gets up by 6:30 at the latest. That's how we can easily get out for the morning. Not saying there's anything wrong with sleeping in, mind you!
-e

p.s. FOr DD:

[hazelmama]

My DD is almost 6 and I've had really good success when I need her to accomplish something in a set period of time if I set up a visual graphic timer that she can check on and refer too.

So, for example, the hour before bedtime is toy cleanup time at our house. I set the timer for her and then remind her 1 or 2 times to check her time to see how much she has left. With the timer, she almost always completes the task on time or early. If I just tell her she needs to have all the toys put away by the time I finish washing the dishes, she gets totally distracted and it doesn't get done.

I use the clock countdown timer found here (it's free) but you could use an hourglass or something like that. I think it's important that the timer has some kind of graphic component because it makes the passage of time and the amount of time left really tangible.

Since he's willing to do the tasks, it just sounds like he needs a bit of help in keeping track of the passage of time so perhaps something like this might be worth trying.

[emilysmama]

As the mother of a distractible 6 year old, I feel your pain. These are two things that have helped me.

1. I ask my dd, "Do you want to go to the library/do you want a lunch when you are at school?/ or whatever" Dd, of course will say yes. Then I say, "Well, if I have to spend all of my time reminding you to do X (or if I have to spend all my time sitting right next to you to make sure that you do X), then I won't have enough time to get us ready to go to the library/pack your lunch, etc." That sometimes speeds dd up and refocuses her back on task.

2. I ask my dd, "Do you want to go to the library?" Again, dd will say yes. Then I say, "Well your actions are telling me that you don't want to go to the library." (By now, my dd must be sick of the old adage, "Actions speak louder than words.") Sometimes this works.

3. I ask my dd, "What did I ask you to do?" Dd will usually be able to tell me what she was supposed to be doing. That will sometimes get her back on track.

4. If they are routine tasks that have to be done every day, then we have had luck with posting a list on the refrigerator door, and asking her what is next on her list. The sticker chart or check off actually didn't work for us because it took too much time to do the sticker or make a checkmark. Hmm, we haven't done this since she was 4, it may be time for us to resurrect this one.

These are definitely not fool proof, because I am still struggling with this. But maybe some of these might help you.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Rose-Roget

But when I have to say the same thing again and again, it gets to me.

Please don't take this the wrong way but.... why did you have kids?!? LOL! Part of having kids is having to repeat things. All. Day. Long. and day after day after day. It comes with the territory

I agree with the others- cut him some slack. He sounds like a wonderful child. I also have a 6 year old boy who will willingly help me clean anything. But if I tell him to clean his room I can expect to come back 30 minutes later to the room a mess while he's in the middle of some elaborate story

[Rose-Roget]

Hazelmama and emilysmama - thanks for those suggestions. I need to do the visual timer. That may help him structure his time. The other things I do do on a regular basis. Ds is a wonderful kid. He's also very "spirited" which is really physically and emotionally draining. So when the easy things become hard, I have nothing left for the hard stuff...and today not even the easy stuff. Thanks again.

[PGTlatte]

I think you have high expectations of your DS. Our DS1 is almost 7.5 and cannot even come close to completing a series of tasks without me practically holding his hand the whole time, or complete even one task if he is left totally on his own to do it without reminders of what he is supposed to be doing every two minutes. His mind just hops to something more interesting about every 60 seconds. He's not lazy or uncooperative...he's just like a little bunny hopping after the pretty butterflies......he will happily work side by side with me on something, but left on his own to complete it - no way.

[AllisonR]

I'd say you are at a hard spot right now. Not because you have a 6 yo, not because you have a baby - but because you have both at the same time. The baby NEEDS you so much, and you would like the 6 yo to be able to do more, do it with less guidance, whatever.... but it just isn't going to work like that for now, because he isn't ready. He might be the brightest kid in the world at storytelling or math or whatever, but he still has the life experiences of a 6 yo.

Luckily - both of them will get older, and you will be able to get more done. Mine are only 3 and 5, but when I look back at how unbelievably hard it was just 2 years ago, it seems like a breeze now. And it keeps getting better. FWIW my house is (slightly) cleaner now, but my frustration level is MUCH lower. Hang in there. I think the baby period is very joyful, but also very very hard. Hang in there momma.

[LynnS6]

A visual timer and a visual schedule can be a real help to kids in keeping on track.

We also use the kitchen timer a lot in our house. For the tooth brushing, for example, I'd set the timer and say "you need to have your teeth brushed by the time the timer beeps" (the Time Timer will do that too, if you want the visual only version).

I think this kind of distractibility is pretty typical of the age. Ds' 2nd grade teacher moved from teaching 2nd grade (7 year olds) to 4th grade (9 year olds) last year. When I asked her how it was going, one of the things she said was "It's amazing how much easier the 4th graders are to keep on task." 6-7 year olds just can't keep on task very easily. Somendays I'm tearing my hair out to keep dd on task. I'll send her up to brush her teeth. "Teeth, please" "Are you brushing your teeth?" "TEETH!"

I know that your 6 year old looks huge and mature next to the baby. But remember that 6 year olds are young children still. They're not very organized and they're not very sophisticated. They still need a lot of assistance for some pretty basic things at times. (They're also inconsistent - one day they can do it, the next they can't.)

Finally, it actually sounds like your son has a decent sense of time -- he got moving when he had to.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Rose-Roget

Meals last at least an hour each in this house. I love imaginative play and I love to hear his stories. It's just that his stories interrupt his eating - here and at school - and that takes away from available time to do other things.

Teeth brushing takes about 20 minutes for the same reason, unless I am by his side the whole time, and even then I have to keep on top of him to keep him on task.

I would try to discourage talking at mealtimes. If he starts telling a story, remind him "It's time for eating now. Tell me the story later."

For toothbrushing, I think you need to either make it a point to keep him company in the bathroom or just accept that it will take 20 minutes. Most days, you may prefer to wait the 20 minutes than to take the 3 minutes out of your own schedule (laundry, etc) to sit with him.

[texmati]

Your son seems like a delight! He sounds like he just needs to be taught/helped not to dawdle. I wish I had somone to teach me that when I was young! Maybe just work with him on that, and at the same time relax your expectations a bit. (your noting a time at 9:34 reminds me of husband!) s!

[MommyTeesa]

Very late, but here's our experience. DD has to eat breakfast, comb her hair and get dressed before she has TV time. We implemented this a couple years ago to help her get ready for school (she wakes early and it doesn't start until 9) and continue because it works. We still have to remind her, but the clear expectations help and leave no room for negotiation (a HUGE issue for us).