people and their opinions.

[dancermina]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the mothering.com site, though not new to any of the ideas. My husband and I are expecting our 1st baby in December. I am basically alone (so it feels) where I live as far as friends and support outside family goes, as I haven't been here too long.

I had a gripe that I wanted to share, to see if anyone else is experiencing something similar. It seems as if everyone I come across finds it perfectly appropriate to give me their unasked for opinions on everything regarding my baby and my future parenting. I have been judged on every single thing, from the length of time I've been with my husband (5 years, but married for 1... so what?) to breastfeeding (I plan to, but I don't appreciate being told "you better!") to finding out the sex of the baby ("ohh you're one of THOSE PEOPLE" is what someone literally just told me) to what kind of birth I hope to have. This last one really bothers me. I plan to have a natural childbirth, and I have basically been called naive by almost every woman who's asked me. I'm wisening up and not planning on sharing anything with anyone else because it's not their business to be asking! But I just wanted to be around some other people who may have plans like mine, and my sister (who has had 2 kids naturally) suggested this site. I don't judge women who get epi's, so I don't want to be judged back.

Hi, and glad to be here with you guys

[COgirl19]

I totally understand!

As a first time mom, I was really vulnerable to these comments. I gave up on my ideas of a natural birth and didn't even try cloth diapering like I wanted too due to everyone's "advice" and opinions about that (I am by far the "crunchiest" of all my friends, a friend once called me crunchier than granola - which I take as a compliment )

Now that I am on my second, I am determined to do things my way. Mama bear reflex has been sufficiently instilled after DD1 so I have no problem telling people exactly where they can put their opinions.

[Qbear'smama]

I totally know what you mean about people's reactions to opting for a natural birth. I had many people say things like "why would you do that to yourself?" and even "there is no way you will be able to go through that naturally." And I did. I tend to think people want reinforcement for the childbirth/parenting choices they made and get threatened when you are choosing something different, like what you are doing is a condamnation of their choices somehow. I don't really get that attitude, but I have experienced it. I don't really have a lot of advice about it, except I tend to keep my non-mainstream birthing/parenting choices to myself because I don't want to hear why someone else's different experience is a better choice or have to defend myself against someone who really doesn't want to hear my perspective, they just want to be right.
Sounds like MDC is the place for you!

[MaerynPearl]

I try not to voice much about my choices on FB or to family or friends who I know will respond negatively. I mentioned earlier today how I plan on cloth diapering (MIL thinks its a great idea but my mom says Im going to give up after a day) and breastfeeding (i breastfed both of my other kids just fine but my cousins seem to think I wont be able to... not sure how that works)

I ignore people telling me to get an epi... its not for me, Ive birthed just fine without it twice. Im doing a homebirth (they dont know that, they dont need to know that because their opinion doesnt matter!) but most people just know that I am seeing a midwife who works with the OBs at the local Naval Hospital (hubby is military... and this isnt a lie, she did work there!)

Luckily no one lives near enough to accidentally drop by during my homebirth, and the few close-by friends I have know we are planning it (but they are like-minded and not the sort that tell me I am risking my babies life)

It does suck though that when I asked my cousin (who had twins last year) if she was going to breastfeed... I was basically attacked by her entire family about how that is a bad idea. It bothers me that I am related to such ignorant people but whatever.

[lillymonster]

VBAC seems to be worse for me - i have heard comments right and left from my family and IL about how it's not a wise decision, or I probably won't get it anyway. *sigh*

I got a 3 year old and another one on the way and I still get comments. I don't handle them well, except DH gets the brunt instead of the person annoying me. I consider myself mainstream crunchy - and it's still not enough. I mean gosh, I am turning 40 soon, and apparently I know nothing about anything. There are people my age with grandkids, but still I am treated like I am a teenager following whims. I have to keep my mouth shut, which sometimes effects me having trouble meeting like minded people IRL, I get scared to mention anything to anyone!

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by lillymonster

VBAC seems to be worse for me - i have heard comments right and left from my family and IL about how it's not a wise decision, or I probably won't get it anyway. *sigh*

*hug* this is a big reason why I told SIL, when she shyly (and shes not a shy woman!) told me she is considering a VBAC next time that I would support her 100%, no matter the outcome.

[Tresa]

I think people offer advice to first time moms because they know that you're walking into something that's totally going to take you by surprise, it's going to be confusing, exhausting, draining, and they just want to help. They want to tell you what they've heard, what worked for them, what things to look out for. Really, they need to just shut up and listen and wait to be asked for their opinions and advice, but something about pregnancy and new (especially first) babies unties peoples tongues.

It's easy to take things personally and to get fed up with hearing about it all the time. You've been an adult for how many years now and people are all of a sudden presuming you're stupid and incapable of going through this just because a baby's involved? The rudeness! The insensitivity!

Most of the time, they mean well. Occasionally you get someone out for shock value or a desire to control or influence you out of fear (my xMIL told a story in front of god and everybody at my baby shower about a baby being born dead because his mother did too much while she was pregnant and the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck...she was trying to get me to stop reaching above my head to paint a bedroom). Or they sometimes want to say something to express their enthusiasm for you, and want to talk baby stuff but it comes out awkwardly. Your brain and patience is on short supply while you're pregnant...the timing of all this is really crummy. But try and see the good in things, have a sense of humor and thick skin about it. It can get worse after baby's on the outside for the first year or so. People don't understand attachment parenting. It's even worse if you're not sticking your baby alone in a crib with a paci and bottle to cry all night long.

Now is the time to learn and practice responses designed to shut people down or change the subject. The most peaceful that I've ever known is the "pass the beans" tactic. You say nothing and smile and nod while people are saying what they want/need to say and when they're done talking, you smile and nod again and say "pass the beans, please." Or some other benign subject changer. Often it's not worth your time to engage everyone in conversation or argument about the parenting decisions you're making. You'll have to have it out once or twice with people closest to you (your parents, best friends, etc) while you work it out, the way you're doing things, and ask for their respect for your choices and support while you make it through the difficult first year. Another tactic is to wait for a pause in conversation and respond with "I think we'll agree to disagree on that point," and change the subject. Keep repeating that line if the person won't back down, don't get sucked into an argument.

You don't see people lecturing or challenging the parenting ways of people who have more than one child. It's part of the process, everybody goes through it. And remember that every single person parents differently, no two do anything exactly alike. So you're bound to disagree or differ with everybody on at least one thing. The key is to find and establish your position and defend your decisions (which can be difficult if people wont' get out of your face about things while you're trial and erroring your way through learning about your baby) and ask people for their support or to get out of your way.

[dakotablue]

I think the hardest thing for me about people comments that I wasn't ready for was the volatile reaction I got. It seems that a LOT of people in my life have taken my decisions so personally as if I was attacking them. MIL is the main one. She doesn't like that I breastfeed because she didn't. Others don't get why I left a great career to stay home, because they didn't.

Most comments are either meant to help, commiserate or out of just plain insecurity. Insecurity is most of what I've seen. I just don't tell people who aren't supportive what I do. I could never tell half my family/friends that we're doing elimination communication, or that were planning on tandem feeding, homeschooling and not vaxing. Honestly I could see MIL trying to call the police on us out of 'concern.' I've learned to just nod my head or ask what did you do? and I only bring up my choices to people who actually seem open to learning.

[Ruthla]

Welcome!

IMO, the best way to avoid nosy people and their opinions is to not share things with people who can't be supportive. Now that I've got big kids, I dont' mind sharing my past experiences with birthing and breastfeeding, but when I was pg with raging hormones, I was way too sensitive to deal with any kind of fear-mongering or negativity. With my second and third pgs, I didn't share my birthing plans with many people at all- I'd learned my lesson.

I never talked much about "extended" breastfeeding even when I was doing it. I had a lot of flak about weaning when DS was about a year old, but after that people either assumed I'd weaned him long ago, or they knew us well were either supportive or at least respectful.

If you do find yourself at the wrong end of negative comments, you can still turn them around. "Oh, your'e one of those people?" "Why, yes I am! Thank you!" throws them off balance. Getting a lot of negativity about breastfeeding? "Why are you so interested in my breasts?" It's best to avoid negativity, but these witty comebacks are good to have as backup.

[AustinMom]

Yes, I got that a lot when I was prego with my first, the whole, you don't know what you are getting into, good luck with that, you are going to be screaming to get the baby out as soon as you can (induciton talk), you're gonna want meds, etc. I was glad that I didn't let their brainwashing of birth effect my decisions and my instincts on birth.

I did a lot of reading, Ina May is great, Gentle Birth Choices, The business of being born, Orgasmic Birth, other natural childbirth stories and movies and books and began to believe that birth DID NOT HAVE TO BE PAINFUL, and neither did pregnancy. I had a great pregnancy, went into labor at 41+3 and labored 27 hrs naturally. We did end up being transfered to hospital and having CS, but that was due to uneducated midwives in detecting poor fetal positioning, but LABOR WAS NOT PAINFUL. I never had the 10 min apart 20-30 second contractions, they started 3-5 min apart and were about a min long the whole time. But I was in control, I trusted my body, and I knew what was going on and I could stay relaxed. I wasn't 'waiting for the pain' as some people told me. It was great, and the best part of my entire pregnancy and birth.

[WifeofAnt]

You've got us!

I don't talk to my ILs about it but I don't especially like them either so I don't care what they think.

My own parents... they're a little different. My dad is pro-bf (my stepmom doesn't care either way) but he'd understand if I didn't "stick it out". He also used both cloth and disposable, cribs and cosleeping, ect. There's a few other things I'd like to learn and introduce him to (discipline without punishment, Baby led solids, Elimination communication) but since I'm going to be living with my parents for a year while hubby is deployed its not like I can totally avoid those subjects!

[bella99]

I remember being in a lab waiting for my blood to be drawn when I was about 6.5-7 months pregnant. There was another woman there with a young toddler, a perfect stranger to me.

She asked me when I was due and I told her, no big deal.

And then she asked me if I was planning on breastfeeding and then launched into her sales pitch about how I had to and how it was so wonderful.

Yes, it was wonderful, and I'm sorry that my daughter weaned at 14.5 months, but, honestly, I think it was completely rude for a perfect stranger to ask me that, when she knew nothing about me or my history. What I do or don't do with my breasts isn't any of her business, and neither is how I choose to feed my child. And I did answer her question, because I knew I had the answer she wanted to hear, but I wonder how she would have treated me if I had given the "wrong" answer.

There's something about pregnant women that makes people think they have the right to give an unsolicited opinion or the right to that women's business. Ugh!

[mra]

I don't talk much about my pregnancy to anyone other than close friends, a few who are currently also pregnant. I tend to avoid discussing pregnancy stuff with family and instead steer the conversation to things like baby clothes, decorating the baby's room...minor stuff that I really don't mind getting opinions on because it is trivial stuff.

I'm not showing yet, so I guess it helps that random people can't comment on my pregnancy or ask me questions. If and when they do start, I have no problem being rude and telling them it is none of their business.

I go to a birth center and all of the women there seem to have a similar mindset as myself, which makes life easier.

[dancermina]

Thank you so much to every person who replied to me on here! I didn't get any email replies so I must not have set up my account right...and I just thought no one responded. Silly me It was amazing to read everyone's input. It feels so incredibly good to find this community!!!!!!!!! I can't thank you guys enough!

[AmyKT]

It is really hard to feel confident in your decisions when you're a first timer, because really, what do you know? Or at least, that's what I would tell myself every so often. I wanted to stand up for my choices, but it was hard when people were telling me I was naive. But then I did it! I had my natural birth, and I practiced attachment parenting, and it worked out great! So now I get a bit of a thrill telling people about the "weird" things I do or plan to do. Why yes, I AM going to encapsulate and consume my placenta this time. That ooks you out? Oh, well.

You'll do great, and all the naysayers will shut up, or at least, you won't care!

Welcome!

[basje]

Don't let them get you down. You know your body. You know your baby. You know how to make good choices for the pair of you.

I had my first baby in February (an unassisted home birth) and got a lot of flack or horrified reactions from other people. There was comments about choosing not to get the h1n1 vaccine. And when I told my mother I wanted cloth diapers for my shower she flipped. But truth told, we're six months down the road and I've stuck to my guns! Some people have come around (like my mother who at a neighbor's recent baby shower was loudly declaring how amazing bumgenis cloth diapers were) and some are still freaked out by my non-mainstream choices. I've learned to learn enough to make a decision I feel comfortable with and stick with it.

You can totally have a natural birth if you want too! I did it, and I say if you want GO FOR IT! Next time someone gives you flack tell 'em your planning on having an ORGASMIC birth and you've got to go to get a new vibrator. That should shut them up.

[MammaB21]

Welcome to MDC and congrats on your first babe!!!

Try not to let the comments get to you. In the end your birth and your parenting style will need to be what YOU feel comfortable with. It's fine for others to offer advice, but you don't have to listen to it. And by all means, ignore the ignorant and mean comments.

I got a lot of comments about wanting a natural birth when I was pregnant with DD. I was 'only' 20 at the time and a lot of my friends were childless. Normally I would just stick up for myself in as friendly a way as possible. I found that a lot of times people were just curious. If I explained to them why I was doing it the way I did and all of the benefits I believed in they understood a little more. It didn't change the fact that every single one of my friends who went on to have babies either had a c-section or got induced with an epidural, but they seem to really respect my decisions and vise versa. Be strong and confident in your decisions!!! You are making the right ones for you and your baby and you should be proud of that.

[nova22]

The reason you guys are getting these comments is because everybody knows that all pregnant mothers are ignorant dopes who barely figured out how the baby got there in the first place, much less how to take care of it. I got more stupid comments when I was pregnant with my first...it was ridiculous! Some of them are hard to brush off, even if you have a thick skin. I think the most stupid comments, though, came when I was pregnant with my 2nd. My first two were born less than a year apart and clearly no one with any amount of intelligence would get pregnant again so quickly. If it weren't for all those comments from complete strangers asking me if I had TV and didn't I know what caused that, I might not have rebelled and ended up with five kids and another on the way.

DH and I always get a giggle when we're out with just the baby. So many people come up to us and coo over her, then give us their best authoritative glare and say "You need to treasure her, because she'll be walking and talking before you can blink." When we say, "Oh, yes, we have four others at home" they give us a Look and seem to get annoyed for wasting their valuable advice on people who already had older kids.

Even if you do withhold information about whether you plan to breastfeed/cosleep/cloth diaper/etc., there will always be nosy comments. My favorite response to any of them is "why do you say that?" or "why do you ask?" It's nonthreatening but it often reminds people that they are asking a nosy question and should back off. Once in a blue moon you'll get an answer like "Oh, my sister/daughter/niece/cousin is about to have a baby and has been researching cloth diapers, I was just wondering if you had a recommendation" but usually they'll back off.